Some days are (muddy) stones

And that’s ok.

But sometimes you feel the need to bitch about it.  I’m having a ‘wahhhhh’ few days.  I try not to whinge and generally try and stay positive but it’s been going on for a while now so I thought I’d try blog therapy – see if that helps.

So I apologise in advance for the whinge factor of this post.

Things are fine, they really are.  But I’m just struggling slightly.

And I don’t really know exactly why!  There’s a bit more going on but I thought I’d tell you about the superficial stuff.  This is all frivolous crap.  But sometimes frivolous crap affects us too.

The street I usually drive down to go to boot camp...

Firstly QLD floods related stuff has been getting to me.  I don’t want to complain because I am one of the lucky ones – I have family and friends and colleagues who have had major damage, trees through rooves, lost belongings, some awful stuff.  My heart breaks for them and I do not compare at all.  So please don’t judge me for whingeing about my effect from it which pales into absolute insignificance.  Absolutely two separate issues.  Those with real problems --- and then me. ;)

The Situational Factor

So if I can forget the comparisons for a sec and solely looking at my own little selfish personal world for this blog post, my teensy tiny affect from the floods is still annoying me.  I’m on Day 4 of having no power at home.  When I say no power, I have 5%.  I can charge my phone and that is all and let me tell you how grateful I am of that!  I can’t wash my clothes, cook,  see, use anything, my internet has gone etc.  It’s been a gradual thing over the 4 days.  I was late this morning because I had to wait for the sun to come up to put my makeup on because I couldn’t see anything.  I’ve been using public bathrooms to get ready too.  My basement got a bit flooded and water got into the communal stairwell so it’s musty and smells.  I got warned by my electricity company not to use my water but I have been.  I’m apparently risking an electrical shock each time I shower or wash my hands.  But my house already smells enough from the carpet and half washed clothes without me not showering as well.  It’s been hot at night so I haven’t been able to get comfortable with no fan on.  There’s been a fair bit of candle and wind up torch action at my place.  I know I'm not the only one - so many people are without power, some have had none for 5 days.  No cold food or drinks, having to eat out at most meals.  I feel lucky I don't have kids at times like this.  One friend with young kids is living out of an esky.  I know we survived in the stone ages without any electricity but far out do we miss it when we are used to it!



Boot camp?  Hello?  Anyone?



The thing that mainly got to me was all the food’s gone off in my fridge and freezer so I have to throw it out.  It’s annoying because I could have taken it to a friends house but because my electricity failure was gradual, I didn’t realise until I woke up yesterday morning that my meat was soft etc. and by then it was too late.  It was my birthday yesterday so it was kind of sad to wake up to that on this particular day.  I had to throw everything in my fridge and freezer out just a couple of months ago too and I’ve only just restocked up the basics again – just those staple things you always have in your fridge, plus portioned out meat etc. – it’s alllll got to go, again.

The street my workplace is on went underwater so I was locked out of work yesterday too which means loss of income.  But it was just one day and it meant I didn’t have to work on my birthday!  So not all bad.

The Exercise Factor

But the main thing that I’ve been sad about is heaps of my boot camps etc. have been cancelled while we had this weather.  I completely understand why (of course – the fields where we usually train have been completely underwater!) but that doesn’t stop me from being sad about it.  I didn’t realise how much it would upset me.  I actually cried about it.  Seriously Kate, get over it!  But I was really disappointed.  5 boot camps and 1 hike were cancelled.  I couldn't get my addiction #fix.  The weather was so wild and I believe all 3 boot camp training grounds I usually go to and the surrounding streets were completely under water.

We usually train right in front of this fence...I mean river...

And as a result, I didn’t exercise once in 4 days!  I feel sick about that! I was making a big deal last week about having a rest day, and then I don’t train for 4 days?  I didn’t realise how much boot camps keep me in line.  And because I didn’t work for those 4 days because of the public holiday and flood, I didn’t get to walk to / at / from work either.  So I did nothing.  I could have exercised inside my house!  It wasn’t the weather or boot camps fault!  Oh I can not believe I didn’t exercise!  There were some times when I wanted to train but it was at night / early morning and it was too dark to see, and then other times I was going to go for a walk/run outside but it was majorly raining / the areas where I wanted to go were flooded.  But I’m not going to lie to myself, there were plenty of other day time hours across the weekend where I could have done something indoors….and I didn’t.  I guess this was a good thing to experience to remind myself of other ways to train.

The Nutrition Factor

I mentioned the steak and chips I had at my family birthday dinner the other night.  Well yesterday on my actual birthday, I again chose to eat what I wanted.  I didn’t go overboard, I didn’t binge, I didn’t eat shocking, I didn’t even eat snacks or stock up on ‘crap that I’ve missed’ which is my usual downfall.  But I chose to eat an unhealthy meal at lunch and again at dinner.  And I had dessert.

I said I wasn’t going to let it get to me but it truly is.  I’m back to normal today and it’s not like I even went off track – I just chose a couple of not so great options, for a once-a-year-day.  But having that food has made me regress to when I eat bad and now I feel like I’ve completely gone off track because it reminded me of how I usually stuff up from letting myself have a small break AKA stuff up.  Augghhhhh!  I haven’t.  And I won’t.  But I feel like I have.  Which in a way is kind of just as bad?

The Scales Factor

And then (yes, just a bit more whingeing to go) – today, Weigh In Wednesday, I didn’t lose any weight.  I am exactly the same as last week – to the gram!  107.3kg.  I can’t believe I didn’t even fluctuate by 100g if anything!  I was surprised because I thought 4 days of no training and 3 (well, 4) not so great meal choices would take longer to affect the scales but there it was.  And in any sense, I was still hopeful for a miracle, that that stuff wouldn't affect me.  But - no weight lost.  Yes, no gain either.  There might be more going on but anyway that’s what it was.

So yeah that’s pretty much it.  There’s a whole other issue I’m dealing with feeling a bit lost but that’s a whole other blog post ;)  This is just superficial crap that will stop and I’ll get over.  But it’s bothering me so I just had to get it out.

This morning at boot camp (yes, my first one back!) :)  I suddenly realised the date today.  I can’t believe I thought of this because it’s not a date I ever think about.  But it flashed into my mind anyway.

My major weight issues started today, 16 years ago.  It was the day after my 16^th birthday.  I turned 32 yesterday.  So it’s been exactly half of my life where I’ve had a major battle with my weight.   That’s a long time.  I had body image issues and constant diets before I turned 16, but the 30^th January when I had just turned 16 had a big turn of events that churned out years and years of weight issues.  Exactly half of my life today.  Interesting :)  I’m just so glad that I’m well on the road to fixing it all now so I won’t have to make that any more years.  And despite my ups and downs from yesterday, I was smiling in the back of my mind all day that this year I am so much healthier and feel so much better than I was on my birthday last year. :)

Sorry for whingeing and I hope you don’t judge me because this stuff is all non important.  I know that.  Onwards and upwards from here, somehow.  As one lovely friend reminded me, it’s ok and normal to have blah days.  Some days are just shit and there's no point studying the ins and outs and meanings behind some of the stuff.  Coz there often isn't anything.  And I shoudn't sweat the small stuff and it is all small stuff.  But it's still shit stuff. :)

I just have to rise above it, KEEP GOING, and keep remembering my mantra from last year:

“Roll with the punches and love the good times.”

I’m going to make sure there’s plenty of good times coming up. :)

YELLOW DRESS SUCCESS!!!!!!!

IT FITS!!!!!!!!!!
The yellow dress fits!  It does up!

The zip finally does up :)

I was getting tired earlier and was about to go to bed when I read a comment on my blog from the lovely Bek, saying she was looking forward to my Yellow Dress photo update this week.  I realised that it was Sunday night of Week 10 and I haven't done my photo update yet for this week - I usually do them on Sunday's.  So before my shower I threw the dress on and was ready to take a photo, upload it and go to bed.  I wasn't expecting much of a change this week so did this all a bit robotically.

I tried it on and then somehow, out of nowhere, I was able to get the dress up.  Wow wow wow.  It was difficult to get up - trust me I tried for a while - and the front view is not very flattering - there is boob ummmm everywhere.  BUT the zip DOES UP ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP.

There's 2 more weeks till finale where I wanted to wear it at some stage over the weekend - so I have 2 weeks to make sure the dress fits a little nicer to wear out in public :)

Week 10 selfie outtake #45

But at least I know I can wear it now!  I was too excited that I haven't gone to bed yet, I wanted to sit down and blog straight away about this!  

I put together all of the photos from this round of me trying to fit into it (see above).  Apologies for the latest photo tonight, in the dark with the camera flash.  I've lost half of my power because of the Brisbane weather and my bathroom light won't turn on.  I tried taking photos in another room where the light works but I wanted to get a photo in the same direction as the others.  I won't tell you how many selfies I had to take just to get this shot.  I could have waited until morning to get another photo in the day light but I am very impatient so made do tonight. :)

I'll upload a Week 11 pic and of course the ultimate, one in Week 12.  But for now I just wanted to let you know that the zip does up.  This photo progress shot is for Bek and everyone else who has followed me on this - thank you for your support.  I did it!!!! :) 

Just taking it all in

Can I just say that I can't believe it's Week 11 tomorrow....time is flying!

I just wanted to step in for an update.  I don't have anything dramatic to tell you about or any exciting things that I've been doing, but I love my blog and felt it was time for an update about every day stuff related to my current mission. :)

Round 4's progress so far

I've had a good week overall.  I've eaten extremely clean, trained a fair amount and done the best with what I've got.  I've been doing a bit of stepping back and reassessing of where I am, with a lot of things.  I compared some photos of this round so far last week and I've been taking stock of where I am and where I am going.  I may write more on these photos in a later post as I'm still thinking about this.

I'm feeling good.  I've had a few disappointments this week but that's life.  I'm still feeling a bit unsettled and lost but I'm ok.  I'm choosing to look at the good stuff.  I had a few personal successes this week.  I got an email saying I was in the Top 15% for this round so that made me proud.  I came off night shift so my routine can go back to normal thank goodness.  I'm really excited about finale in 2 weeks.  I'm feeling better within myself.  A few people have made some comments which have boosted me up - some of them being that I look happier.  That was a pretty damn cool thing to hear. :)

My birthday cake!

My Mum didn't recognise me at first last night.  That was very cool.  It was only a second glance thing, not an entire no-recognition thing but it was still awesome.  I'm learning and growing and accepting and overall it's a pretty cool adventure that's unfolding.  It's the end of my rollercoaster year, the start of 2013 and my birthday this week.  There's heaps of scope to continue to create the most awesome life for myself.

My birthday presents

I did eat something last night that wasn't exactly planned or clean...but I am not going to beat myself up over it.  I had an early birthday dinner with my family and for a few reasons chose to eat a steak and chips.  I could go into the details of why I chose this but instead will just say that I'm proud as it was a conscious albeit unplanned decision to choose this and I am not beating myself up about it today like I would have even 3 months ago.  I've found more and more that moderation isn't a scary thing.  If you can't eat a steak and chips at your own birthday dinner because you want to, then that is pretty sad.  I made up for it with the cake anyway!  Check out the most awesome cake (above) my family made me, at my request.  It was inspired by a fellow 12WBT friend, Kylie, who had something similar for her birthday last week.  I loved it!  I don't think my brothers loved it as much as I did....but they got to finish off my steak that I couldn't fit in so it was pretty even all round :)

And I got some cool pressies!  Check these out!  LOL I've decided that my family is pretty onboard with supporting me in this 12WBT thing :)  Michelle Bridges even got a mention in my birthday card from my parents! :)

Me this week.  All this work is worth it.

This weekend I haven't had a great run with training.  3 of my boot camps and a hike were all cancelled due to the insane weather Brisbane is having right now.  I almost took myself out for my 32km walk that I have as a goal for this week but decided that I might wait....seeing some photos of where I was going to walk being underwater....I think I made the right decision!  I'm extremely disappointed that boot camps were called off but it had to be done - the one that was cancelled for tomorrow is because the entire field where we train is completely underwater.  Yeah -- that's a pretty good reason.  I just love them, that's all.

Anyway I'm just going to have to make do with what I have inside - and I do have a fair bit of stuff.  I can road test my new Mish weights that I just got! :)  I'm lucky that I'm high and dry - I've lost half of my power and I only have minor flooding in my apartment block.  I am a lot luckier than my family and friends who have got branches through their rooves and rooves collapsed.  Hoping it's not as horrific as the 2011 floods and praying hard.

Will sign off now - hope you have an awesome week and if you are in Brisbane, stay safe, stay dry and stay positive xxoo

Now I run like an 8 year old girl

So it’s the 24th January.  It’s exactly 1 year today where my life completely started to change.

I’ve been surprisingly overwhelmed in the lead up to this date.  It’s the anniversary of a day that started off so normal, ended so awfully, and was the initial catalyst for the most amazing, challenging and rollercoaster year of my life.  It's not my 'fit' or 'weight loss' anniversary, that's another 5 months away.  It's instead an anniversary for everything else.  I felt this intense desire to mark today in some way.  So I pierced my ears.  As you do!  It’s weird I know, feeling the need to stab holes in my body to remind me of the year that has been!  #freak!  But I guess…

I got my ears pierced on my 13th birthday, when I became a teenager.

I got my 2nd holes done for my 21st birthday, when I became an adult.

And today I got 3rd holes done – I guess to mark the year I became….well, me.

Yeah, ok, it’s still weird isn't it.  But I’m just riding with it, like I have done with my whole year.

Where I am tonight and where I was a year ago are polar opposites and I’ve been thinking so much about the changes that have happened for me – in mind, body, spirit, and basically everything in my life.  Tonight I listened to some Coldplay with my colleague while we worked, then I jogged to my car in the rain.  Nice and normal, nothing dramatic.  This time last year I was shell shocked in the back of an ambulance, unsure if I could maybe die.  I didn’t realise at the time just how much that experience would change me. What’s been important – and necessary – has been the journey – there were a million little steps in between getting from that ambulance to jogging in the rain tonight.  I must be really stubborn if it took truck after truck reversing over me interspersed with 16 more hospital visits to make me wake up and listen.

Everything has changed for me.  At some points those changes were so difficult to cope with that I didn’t think I could.  But I did.

I am a completely different person.  I haven’t changed though – I’ve just become the person who I was all along.

I felt the need to blog  - or to write something, today.  I know this is a weight loss blog and that’s all that I mainly talk about but there is so much more.  The 24th January didn’t directly lead to me losing weight – however that ended up being a marker of a series of events that chained together and totally changed my life.  The weight loss is just a small part of it.



My pierced ears!

I’ve sat/laid/walked/fallen/been pushed/crawled/flew/climbed/danced/piggy-backed/straddled/moon walked/ran/hopped/been carried/sailed………..in running events/in work bathrooms/above the clouds/in my car by the river/on army cargo nets/on the floor of pitch black forests/on stage/in dark back streets/in machines/across bridges/in wheelchairs/underwater/up mountains.

I noticed last week that since #theprincessaccident that I now feel like I run like an 8 year old girl.  Maybe I don’t – but I feel like I do.  Because I couldn’t use my foot for so long, I think my body’s had to learn to run again and I just feel a bit un-co and, well, like an 8 year old girl when I do.  It just looks a little different – I’m sure I’ll settle back into how I used to run. Just like with everything. The year has changed me so much that I couldn't even begin to describe. However one thing has remained the same, I am still the same person inside. I look different, I think different, I feel different, I act different, but the person making those changes? Yeah, that's me. Always was. That's the point of the whole year. I guess I just had to realise that.

I spoke to my Mum on the phone earlier and it made me smile.  As we were discussing birthday cakes.  I'll never forget just how different the conversation was that I had with her this day last year.  Most difficult phone call of my life.  But now we're chatting about chocolate vs fruit.  The best frivolous conversation ever.  I used to talk about how Hope is the most important thing.  Whenever times were low for me in the past, I would hold steadfast onto Hope.  And I still do.  But sometimes when things get so rock bottom, you also have to Believe.  I believed like I had never believed before, that things would be ok.  I had to do that.  I hate to say it, but sometimes Hope is not enough.  You have to actually Believe things will improve.  Even when you really don't.  It's kind of like a critical Russian Roulette version of "Fake it till you make it."  The fire deep, deep within you is definitely the brightest.

I may have looked like an 8 year old girl running to my car in the rain tonight, but it was actually a very strong 31 year old, who knows who she is.  Farewell, insane year.  It's all over now.  And hello to who I really am.  "Go out and grab the rest of your life."

Dedicated to my friends who are struggling

If we stop, the world stops.

Did you know this?  It doesn’t actually, but do you think this?  Let's assume it does, because let's face it, many of us believe that it will.

Why, as intelligent, mature adults do we continually drill ourselves down into the ground with the false belief that we can’t take…dare I say it......a break?  We are parents, siblings, children, friends, employees, employers – we take on many different roles where we exhibit our wisdom and knowledge without even thinking about it.  But when it comes to allowing ourselves to STOP, and just take a break, we struggle with this so much.  Why?

Because, if we stop, the world stops.

Yesterday I was really tired again.  My body was tired and I was in pain, lethargic, and just, well, exhausted.  I didn’t know why – the Tough Army Chick side of my brain was slapping me – I let myself have a training rest day on Saturday and just two days later I'm contemplating another one?  What was wrong with me?!  Weak!

But as I found myself swaying while trying to stand still just from being tired, I let myself acknowledge it.  I did need another rest day.  From everything.  This wasn’t on The Schedule.  But maybe that’s ok.  This was hard.  But I realised maybe I needed to do something novel and listen to my body? Just maybe.  Thanks to the universe mysteriously aligning and me stepping up, I now have no work and no training today.  And my first sleep in of the year.

That's really cool. But my point of this post is this. Why did it take me so long to allow myself to acknowledge what I already knew I needed, and why did I then have the early stages of a panic attack and felt the need to seek validation from those around me to admit it and make it happen?  Seriously - we're talking about one little rest day!  In the big scheme of things, it's #notreallyabigdeal!

Because, if we stop, the world stops.

A rest day isn't a huge thing but I'm using it as an example of the bigger picture.  Taking a break of any kind requires mountains of strength - and that's just to handle the guilt we lump on ourselves.

I've taken a few breaks over the years.  The majority have been forced on me for not listening to myself sooner.  Some breaks have been superficial and low in the importance stakes.  Others have been a matter of something a whole lot more important, where I have had to literally focus on getting out of bed in the morning - and getting back to bed at the end of the day.  Some things in life paralyse us.  Yet us super women and men still tend to need to go at lightning speed and ignore the warning signs, don't we?  (Yeah, I'm talking to you!)

We all need to take a break from various things now and again.  And if this is the case it doesn't mean you're not coping - in fact, it means the opposite.  You're making a stand for what you need.

A few years ago I read something that really helped me at the time and I'd recommend it to anyone who is struggling with whether they should take a break: How heavy is the glass of water?

It could be as simple as taking a day off from training, it could be putting your weight loss goals to one side while you focus on just breathing for a while.  There's no shame in that.  In fact, it's the opposite.  It's funny, breathing is actually more important. ;)  You can always come back to what you were doing.  But if you go along the same path at the same rate, you probably won't make it to where you were trying to go....

What do you need?

We put so much pressure on ourselves to do everything, be everywhere, help everyone, do it all.

We need to remember that if we stop, the world does NOT stop.  But if we don't stop when we need to, the world very much could for yourself and your loved ones. 

Because frankly, you are the world - to your family and friends and to yourself.

Take a break - from whatever it is - if you need one...your glass of water will still be there when you are ready again.

And your world will spin a whole lot better if you do...

It's ok xxx

The Number 58

I have an issue with my goal weight.  I’m obsessed with this number.  I don’t mean obsessed as in I’ll do anything in a no holds barrier get-out-of-my-way-style to reach it no matter what; but I simply have an obsession with the actual number itself.

It’s 58.  58kg.

Let me explain why.

I think I made it up 6 years ago.  It was well thought out and logical to me at the time.  I chose it because:

My lowest healthy BMI is 59.  I wanted to be at the lower end of my BMI so that I had a bit of room to move up by a couple of kg’s without any issues once I got to goal.  6 years ago I started a big weight loss attempt (#324 of my 516 attempts at losing weight) and I weighed 118kg at the time.  118-59 = 59.  However 118-58 = 60kg exactly.  Call it slightly OCD-ish if you will, but to be 1kg under the healthy BMI category for the sake of making it an even 60 sounded pretty good to me.  I never intended to stay at 58kg, in my mind I would fluctuate between 58-60, after I got to goal.

And that’s where the #58 came from.  Fast forward 6 years and hundreds of weight loss attempts later, and I kept the same number in my mind.  Even when I grew to my heaviest weight, 141kg, I didn’t deviate from my goal of 58kg.  It was what I decided years ago, so that was that.  I am annoyingly headstrong.  This number became more of a ‘title’ of what I wanted to do.  I have weight loss spread sheets galore – tracking charts – plans – checklists – posters – goals written everywhere – and they all are covered with the number 58.  The titles of some spread sheets are simply called “58”.  It became more of a code for myself that stood for my personal weight loss mission rather than a kg’s number that I obsessed over.

As I got older I realised that 58kg may be too low for me.  I wasn’t sure but I became open minded to the idea that if I got to a weight that was right for me, then I would stop at that point and not need to specifically reach 58kg.  I wouldn’t know until I got there – so in the meantime I just called it ‘58’.  I've been attached to this number, it's like a protective thing where I own it.  I’ve had some friends flip out when I say ‘58kg’ as they think it’s too low for me.  As soon as they question this, I feel all tight inside and like I have to defend it because no-one can take my number away from me.

I have a well-rehearsed comeback that I comfort them with, explaining what I wrote above – that it’s just a number and I will stop if I get to a higher weight and that is enough.  This usually calms them.  (Kind of like a "you can ask me about it, but you will never take my 58 freedom!!!" speech.)  It's mine.  In other words, hands over ears, singing 'la la la I can't hear you!')

So when I started 12WBT in June at 141kg and wrote down my big goal, I of course wrote ‘58’.  I didn’t think much about it.

My current weight tracker as at today

You know how people can say something to you over and over and you don’t react, and then one day someone says the exact same thing, and not even necessarily in a different way, and it sounds completely different?  Well this is what happened to my beloved 58 vision.

Last week I was chatting to a friend about my weight loss mission.  This is a person I highly respect and whose opinion I very much value.  She also happens to be completely qualified in this area.  It happened to be the day I reached my 30kg weight loss.  I mentioned that I hit the magic 30kg mark, and then said that I only had ‘53kg to go’.  She responded with a shocked “says who?”  I was fairly flippant in my response: I’ve heard it all before.  “Oh, me.”  I said.  I then said that 58kg was my goal and before she could say anything else, I auto-piloted straight into my rehearsed response as mentioned above.  (AKA you can't take 58 away from me!)

In the nicest possible way, she was completely horrified.  Like, a lot.  And for the first time in 6 years, I questioned ‘my number’.

Maybe it was her not buying into my, to be honest, weak reasoning.  Maybe it was me being surprised at how taken aback she was.  She was lovely about it but I saw the shock in her face.  Maybe it was the fact that I respect her opinion so much.  It’s not that I haven’t respected other people’s opinions any less in the past though!  Maybe I was just finally ready to look at this a little bit more maturely?

We sat down and we discussed this for quite a while.  She got her calculator out and we worked out more reasonable ideas of goal weights for me.  It was a fantastic discussion that I value so much and here would like to thank her so much.

It’s taken me well over a week to be able to put this out there.  I didn’t ignore the conversation by any means – I just needed time.  I'm not going to lie and say that I needed time to process it.  Instead, it's been churning around my mind this whole time, as to whether I can 'let go' of my beautiful Number 58.  I still don’t know how I feel exactly.  I’ve had 15 years of eating disorders that made this thing run a whole lot deeper than this decision I made 6 years ago.  Giving up my number 58 may not be like giving up my right arm, but it is a part of me in a way and it is a big thing.  It’s not just getting over a number and changing some spread sheets around.  It’s an entire shift in mindset.

It’s actually being mature enough to be logical, reasonable and smart about my health and my body for the first time since I was about 12.

And that’s a bit scary.

I know that I should be ok with just seeing how I go and deciding when I get closer as to what my goal weight should be.  But I’m not ready for that.  One maturity step at a time, please. ;)  I actually need a number.  I need specific goals.  I’m not too sure what the number will be yet, but once you see my weight tracker change, you’ll know that I’ve worked it out.

The cool part of doing this is that as soon as I make that decision, my ‘kg’s left to lose’ number gets instantly smaller without actually having to lose weight. (!)

But the even cooler thing is that by making this decision, I’m finally valuing my body for what it can do and what it should be, rather than a young girls dysmorphic view of what she tells herself she should weigh.

Wow. I just 'got' it.

No fancy titles: I'm just tired

Before you read on, please know that I’m writing this post from Cranky-ville tonight.  So if you’re needing a Rainbow Brite-esque post, maybe wait till my next one.  I’ll also be honest from the outset, this is going to be a bit of a whingey post.  But it’s my blog and I’ll whinge if I want to. ;)

I’m really, really tired.

This shift work is driving me nuts.  Regular shift workers, how do you do this all the time??

I’ve worked for 2 weeks straight now without a day off – and tonight is my 8^th graveyard/moonlight/overnight shift in a row.  One more to go tomorrow.  I can’t remember when my last exercise rest day was – I think it was also 2 weeks ago.  And I’ve had a stressful week.  And these things are messing with everything health!

I think I was coping ok with the work factor because I thought I had a day off today.  But last night that changed and I have now 2 more days before I get a day off.  It’s such a little thing but it disheartened me.  But the main issue is the time I am working.  I’m not coping working overnights anymore.  I’ve never done it before, this is all new to me.  This is how my last 8 days has gone:

• Go to work at 9pm.
• I love my job but the circumstances at the moment are difficult.  I’m sitting in a room with 1 other person, monitoring and reporting through the night.  The light in our office turns off every 10 minutes.  It gets to the point where we can’t be bothered to stand up every 10 minutes, so we let it turn off and we work only by PC and projector screen lights for the night.
• Because this is a special project / not the norm, we have catering.  So I have access to unlimited free food – people offering to do runs to takeaway shops, fridges stocked full of high cal meals, baked treats from my workmates wives etc.  I have not eaten one thing on offer – I have brought my own food each day, but it’s hard.
• Around midnight, my work colleague says that he’s really hot (we have air con), and he turns the fan on.  I am so cold it’s ridiculous.  I’ve been wearing 3 jumpers to try and stay warm and even then am still cold and uncomfortable.  One night I went to get a picnic blanket out of my car to wrap around me.  I did say something once but it continues – is this me not standing up for myself?  I don’t know, I’m too tired to consider this. ;)
• Around 2am-4am, in the dark and wearing multiple jumpers, I start falling asleep because I didn’t get enough sleep during the day.  Each night I do that quick fall-asleep-and-wake-up-head-nod thing, multiple times.  I’ve started talking and reporting while I’ve been semi-asleep and that’s scared me.  So then I get up and go for sprints down the work hallways or do squats in the bathroom to try and wake up.
• Between 4am-5am I pep up.  I don’t get a break and often have to stay back to train someone or do a handover.
• Then I change into my training gear and go to training – generally boot camp.
• Between boot camp and when I have to go back to work, I have stuff I have to get done and I try and sleep, but I am struggling.  I get between 2 and 5 hours a day.  I’m used to only having 4-5 hours a night usually, but for some reason this week that isn’t enough.  I’m waking up confused, I don’t know what day it is, or whether it’s AM or PM, and I’m finding it difficult to sleep for longer.
• I then go to work at 9pm.
• Repeat.

My nutrition is all over the place.  I am proud to say I have been eating perfectly – I have not deviated once in the last 2 weeks.  I have eaten completely clean.  But when I eat is hard.  I’ve tried swapping it around so I have breakfast as I start work etc. but it’s then hard to stomach salads and Penang Chicken at 4am.  My mind still knows what time of the day it is.  So I’ve been eating clean, but not well.

I used to struggle with why training rest days are important.  I never really believed that they were necessary.

They are.

I’ve noticed that the last few days, my mind is tired from work/not sleeping, and my body is tired from training every day, that I haven’t been giving everything I’ve got.  I’ve had DOMS from the run on Sunday too, so it hurts.  I’ve literally just been going through the motions – not going hard out like I used to / like to – there’s nothing left in the tank and I didn’t even care.  I realised that today.  I was doing sprints at boot camp – actually let me re-phrase that: I was supposed to be doing sprints, and I was lightly jogging.  I was tired and just couldn’t put my all into it – there was nothing left.  I finally realised then that this is why rest days are important and I decided to take one tomorrow and skip boot camp.

I’ve been dropping things before going to bed, I haven’t been myself, I’ve been crying myself to sleep, I even burst into tears on my scales today.  For no reason!  It’s not even weigh in day.  I never cry on the scales – I can weigh myself daily and not have it affect me – but today?  I haven’t seen or spoken to my friends and family for ages.  My life was highly disorganised before and now it’s even worse.  I’m walking around like a zombie.  I’ve been doing heaps of awful self talk to myself, feeling fat and looking fat.  I’ve had a very distressing personal circumstance this week.  Because I’m working overnight, I can’t do my normal incidental walks during the day- I could do them I guess, but I prefer it when they’re incidental.  So this annoys me.

AUGH.

I think I’d be coping better if I had a routine – well, a routine that didn’t involve shivering 3am sprints and afternoon tears.

I'm also getting really strangely reflective and emotional about next week.  The 24th January will be 1 year since my life changed.  It's not my health anniversary of my weight loss, I started 12WBT and losing weight in June - but January indirectly was the catalyst for this and so much more.  This is the day everything changed.  I didn't think it'd affect me so much but I can't stop thinking about it.  I want to mark it somehow and I have this weird idea to pierce my ears?  I already have 2 holes in each ear but I think I want a 3rd?  It's a really weird thing to do, I know.

Maybe me wanting to pierce my body is subconsciously symbolic of the 1-25 needles I had to get weekly for 8 months last year?  It's also my birthday the week after and I don't know how to celebrate it and that's making me anxious.  I do this every year, I have no idea what to do and end up making great plans.  It's just the lead up that I'm in indesicive dick about.  Last year I spent the night leading into my birthday in hospital and although I got released in the early hours of the morning and got to go out for breaky, lunch and dinner, I spent the whole day exhausted, shaky and overwhelmed.  So whatever I do this year will beat that, I am sure. :) 

So that’s all.  It’ll all sort out and things will change – I should have a day off in 2 days time from work, the weird shifts should stop or calm down too – and tomorrow is now a rest day.  One of my trainers lent me a foam roller and resistance band so I’ll do some stretching and just continue to do the best I can with what I have to do.  I'll work out the anniversary and birthday stuff.  And the other stuff will work out.  It’ll all be ok.  I guess this has just shown me how important sleep is.  It can hold (or unravel) everything and things seem easier and clearer when we've had enough.  I can’t think straight without it so will get back to you once I’ve had a catch up sleep. I think I just needed to whinge.  Thanks for hearing my complaining out. :)

On a brighter note, here's a link to my entry for the weekly challenge this week, it's a 1min. video with the theme of making the 'impossible', 'possible'.  Hopefully it works.  Enjoy x

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8SPp8yx4t-4