Wednesday, 31 July 2013

4 sleeps to go...

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now.  I have had a big week - some really full on, exciting stuff has been happening.  Things are going well - crazy well in fact, that I have had to calm myself down at times because the inside of me is doing cartwheels and laughing and crying at the same time.  But I have just one main thing on my mind.  This Sunday is the day!

My first half marathon.

I can't express, to myself even, just how big this is for me.  It hit me tonight, so I thought I'd blog a little to settle my thoughts!  Part of the enormity of this is the obvious: the fact that this is 21.1km - of which I will be running!  For someone who almost collapsed at the 200 metre mark a year ago, this is pretty cool.

The other part is just the whole goal thing.  I'm feeling really overwhelmed that I set a huge goal, worked at it properly, and am now going to do it.  I make goals all the time - any readers of this blog know that the word 'Goal' is synonymous to me - it's my middle name!  And I do reach my goals, often; both surrounding weight loss / fitness, and the rest of my life.  I have goal checklists like you wouldn't believe.  Star sticker charts and goal apps are some of my best friends.

But this goal is different.  I don't know entirely why.  I think it's because, I've done it properly.  I have treasured this goal and protected it.  For one of the rare times in my life, I have done the 'right' thing and worked towards it smartly.

I can be pretty impatient.  Sometimes very scatterbrained.  I start things and don't finish them.  I make grandiose (laminated) plans and pretty Excel spreadsheets with stuff worked out to the finest detail.  And then don't follow through.  Not always - but sometimes.  And as a result,
sometimes I reach my goals, sometimes I don't, and sometimes I achieve them but not in the way I planned...even the best laid plans can give way to making the TV nightly news and being the star of international heists.  (I have a weird life - crazy stuff happens to me!)

But this goal has been different.  I respected it and I guess I respected myself to do the right thing, to give myself the best chance in succeeding.  I don't think I've ever really done that before.

I have actually trained for this.  For about 10 months.  Properly.

I've read up about it, I've asked advice.  I've made it a priority in my life.  I've put my heart and soul into the planning, as well as my head.  I had originally planned to do my first half at the Gold Coast Marathon, a month ago.  When I didn't think I'd be ready for that, I reassessed my goal, was flexible and changed it to the Brisbane Marathon Festival, a month later.  I'm usually
extremely stubborn and pig headed about my goals - once I have my heart set on something, I will make it happen.  But this time, I was flexible.

This past week I have started preparing for it.  With most events I do, I fly by the seat of my pants.  I don't read the Information emails that get sent out, I just rock up on the day and learn about what to do from my friends.

Not this one.  I've studied each email and have everything written down.

My toes were a bit numb last week and I was concerned.  Usually I'd ignore it or push through the pain, but I went to see my Osteopath.  I want to do everything possible to help myself.  I'm taking on her advice.  (She's not sure but she thinks it's caused from the way I've been running.  She worked on my hip flexors and that worked wonders.)

I had a big day of events planned for the day before my half - some I was really excited about.  Mainly stemmed from my Osteo's advice, I have now cancelled them all to give myself the best opportunity for Sunday and to minimise any risk of hurting myself or stressing my body unnecessarily the day before.  My plans for Saturday now total: picking up my race pack, hydrating and eating well, packing my things for the next morning and having an early night.  That is it :)  The night before other major events I have done, I am usually at a party and put up with 3 hours sleep.

I've told my boot camp instructor that I am going to take it easy over the next couple of days and limit my running at boot camp.

At my last run before the big half, my 10km on Sunday, I had a bit of pain on my other foot.  I have an unwritten rule with myself that I never ever stop running on an organised run.  I haven't ever stopped, once.  However on Sunday I saw the big picture and recognised the benefit of stopping very briefly to stretch, before I kept going.  I didn't want to damage myself before the half.  So I stopped, twice, mid run, to stretch.  And the world didn't fall apart :)

I have the race map printed on my desk at work and on the back of my bedroom door.  Usually I don't even look at the map, let alone print it!

I feel really ready.  I have seen myself progressing since I made this goal in October last year.  I have gone from running 200 metres, to 1km, to 5km, to 11km, to 14km, to 16km, and I know, without any doubt, that 21.1km will be no issue.  It's so nice entering an event with confidence within myself, due to the work I have done to get to this point.  Usually it's just a 'wing it and hope for the best' type scenario.  Not this one.  This one, I have worked towards the end goal physically and mentally, and I believe in myself.

And now I find myself, 4 days out, reflecting on the past year.  All of my runs have been flashing past my eyes...even my 2 months of not being able to run thanks to crutches and the moon boot.

I still remember my first 5km run, and the advice my lovely friend Wendy told me the day before that.  "If you can run 1km, you can run 2km."  Well I proved her right, and not only ran the 2km, I ran 5km.

And so this Sunday I will prove to myself that if you can run 200 metres, you can run 21.1km.  If you can dream a dream, plan a goal, focus on it, respect it, and work hard on it, you can make it come true.

All that's left for me now is to enjoy it.  An awesome runner friend, Kym, said that, and I realised it is true.  I think I've been so careful in planning this, that I now have to let go and just enjoy the experience.

Wish me luck...this is seriously the biggest thing I have ever done.  And I couldn't be more excited :) xo

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Pencil cases and panic attacks

Hello :)

So a bit of an update on how I'm tracking.  My attempt #513 is going well.  I had a couple of small hiccups but they weren't set backs.  I've had a lot on my mind and things have been a little crazy, but I made the shocking discovery that I wasn't perfect a while ago, so even though I've stumbled, I know I'm ok. ;)

Last weeks stumbling was the overflow of some pent up stuff that took me a little by surprise.  I've been dealing with a bit of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) for about a year now, over some stuff that happened last year. 

You know, I've hardly told anyone about the PTSD.  I think I've mentioned it briefly to maybe 3 or 4 people.  So now, I just put it out onto the World Wide Web...?  I guess it's that I'm at a point where I don't mind sharing this now...despite the fact it has taken me 4 days to publish this post.

I'm pretty honest and open on this blog - ok, very.  But, like I'm sure all of us, I too have a deep, dark vault of secrets, some that no-one in the world knows.  But with this particular one, I guess I am at a point now where I am comfortable in speaking about it.  (Yes, on the Internet!  Far out, Kate).  Or maybe it's not that I'm comfortable with it, it's that I'm feeling the want, or the need, to share this now.

It stemmed from about a dozen extreme events that happened very close together.  One of those things, the main thing, was discovering I had 2 Pulmonary Embolisms (PE's) (blood clots in the lung).  I dealt with it and it's all clear now.  But through a sequence of events, it has left me pretty rattled - even now, a year later. 

The emotional side effects of the PE's have now outlasted the physical ones.  The main thing I had trouble dealing with, was my mortality.  I had to come to terms with it, out of the blue, all of a sudden.  For someone who was terrified of death, this wasn't easy.  I thought I was going to.  One of the articles on the front page of the news the other day said that 1 in 10 people with PE's die in the first month of being diagnosed.  Now while I am obviously one of the lucky 9, at the time it wasn't a matter of seeing the glass half full (I am 9/10) over half empty (I could have been 1/10) - it was a matter of coping.  Who knows if that figure in the news article is correct.  I do know that I knew of 6 or 7 people who had what I had at the time, and 2 of them sadly passed away.  So yeah, I can imagine it is.  And that's what scared me.

This whole thing was just part of a series of events that left me pretty shaken.  There was a lot more stuff that went on in my life that all snowballed - this was certainly not a stand alone issue.  But it was the main thing that the PTSD is associated with.  I've been / I am fine - I don't know about other people with PTSD but with myself, I'm pretty sure it wasn't obvious.  It's not like I went around 'looking stressed'.  It was just internalised stuff like total paralysis, flashbacks and deep anxiety that had a massive after effect into other areas of my life.  One thing it affected was my organisation - and my subsequent loss of this has been a major pain point for me in the last year.

Last week I had a medical issue and I had to go to a hospital to get a blood test.  As I drove into the hospital grounds, I had a major panic attack.  Just the act of driving into a hospital for a similar issue was all that set me off.  It wasn't even the same hospital I frequented last year.  As soon as I drove into the carpark I was basically ok - it was just going through the entrance that got me - but it took me by surprise.  A couple of days later, I had the same thing happen.  A major panic attack set off by a flashback to another crisis I dealt with last year.

Both of these events were catalysts for me to turn to food for comfort.  Yep.  I went there.  To Binge City.  But not for long.  I've been getting better and this week has marked a massive leap forward from the aftermath of last year.  So I used that to my advantage, and, together with feeling supported in this journey by those around me, I recognised what was happening, and made measures to fix it.

As I mentioned above, my organisation has taken a severe slamming this past year.  My
I haven't had a pencil case since I was 16.  This week I bought 7!
whole life has been in shambles.  I haven't told anyone the extent of it, I think they would be quietly's been a big burden to carry alone.  For those who know me personally and have seen the surface of how disorganised I got - this is where I have been lately - I have not been ignoring you personally...I have been trying to deal with this - and ignoring everything else in the process.  It needed my focus.  Couple it with changing my life with this whole weight loss / fitness thing at the very same time, and you've had yourself a pretty scattered Kate.

But I've been piecing everything back together, and this week I got my major organised on, and it filtered down to getting back on track with my food planning.  Planning and preparing my food for me is just...essential.  There are no other words.  I have to do it, otherwise I know I will inevitably falter. 

So...I tried something a little weird, but so far, it is working!  I had been starting to prep my
Filling up....pencil cases!

food for the week ahead, and then have little piles in my fridge for each day of the week.  It was saving me heaps of time when I did it.  But - eggs would roll, and food was getting mixed up.  So I turned to K-Mart for a solution.  I didn't want to spend $40-ish on a $6 lunch box style container for each day of the week - it wasn't that important.  So I turned my inspiration to my beloved stationary section (yes, Cat, I thought of you!).  These pencil cases were $1.50 each - and were much more space user friendly!  I bought 7.  I planned my food out, ordered groceries to avoid temptation and to save time, spent a few hours cooking and prepping, and filled my pencil cases up!

And so far, it has been a major success.  My lovely flatmate may think I'm a bit strange each time she opens the fridge and sees a line of primary school pencil cases, but man is it helping me!  Each morning I just grab my "Tuesday" or "Wednesday" etc. pencil
case and run.  No food being mixed up in the fridge, it's all divided out into containers etc. and placed in the corresponding days bag. :)  My weight's going down, my training is remaining consistent and I feel amazing. :)

I now have 12 sleeps to go to my biggest goal I have ever set myself: my 1st half marathon.  I'll be running it on Sunday 4th August, as part of the Brisbane Marathon Festival.  And I can't wait!  I am seriously excited about it.  I feel ready, which is probably the main thing.

At the end of my 16km #makeyourownfinishline
On the weekend I participated in the Jetty2Jetty (J2J) 10km fun run.  The day before I was getting a bit worried about my half.  It's 21.1km.  The furthest I've run is 14km.  And that was just once.  I've done 10 or 11km a handful of times and heaps of 5km runs.  Would that be enough to cut it?  I felt the need to do a 16 or 17km run before I attempt the big 21.1km.  I find it hard to just take myself out for a long run by myself though.  Events propel me forward.

So....on Sunday, I did the 10km J2J run.  I ran all the way, through to the finish line, and...beyond.  I kept running.  I went under the finish banner, somehow dodged the stilted crowd, and didn't stop running.  It was really hard to run after the actual event had finished.  Mentally it was tough, knowing that I had already 'finished' but I was still running.  I didn't have a clear path - there were people everywhere, many of them calling out "you can stop now, it's finished!"... I was dehydrated, I'd been wanting to go to the toilet since before my run began, and it was hot.  But I kept running for another 6km.  I ran non stop for 2 hours 11 minutes!  I'm so glad I did it; for some reason doing 16km has given me the last little etch of confidence I needed.

Thank you Paisley for waiting for me at the finish line (my own finish line - I make my own!) and snapping this photo when I finished my own 16km event. :)

Anyway -- that is enough random chatter in one post.  We've gone from panic attacks to stationery to fun runs... I always have so much to say :)

Thanks for listening about the PTSD.  Give the pencil cases a try if you think that might work
for you.  And wish me luck in my half.  I'll be posting before then anyway.  12 sleeps to go!

Hope you're all having a good week xx

M is for Monday!

Breakfast / snacks before the run!

My beautiful Striders friends who all ran J2J too

My gorgeous friend Paisley

My first bib with my name on it!

Did it! (plus a little more)

Thursday, 4 July 2013

Dear Gorgeous Girl

I had a phone call tonight from a friend.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about it so I felt the need to write this blog post, dedicated to her.  I will call her Gorgeous Girl, because she is.

Dear Gorgeous Girl,

Thank you for your phone call tonight.  I am so glad you rang.  I didn't realise you thought that or felt like that.  Let me explain.

Just 2 days ago I was crying at how pathetic I am.  Can't stop self sabotaging, keep stuffing up.  Keep falling down, keep going backwards.  As I wrote in my last blog post, yesterday I started over.  Again.  513th time lucky.

You told me that I am amazing and that I don't realise it and that I need to have more faith in myself, because those around me do.  We talked about how I may come last in events but I do them anyway.  You said you admired the stuff I do and that you want to do these things too.  You told me that I am awesome.

This morning the 30+ Crew did a little project.  Started by this blog and encouraged by our Ruth, a stack of us put together these photo collages to say that we "are fucking awesome and so are you."

I did it because it seemed fun, not because I thought I was particularly, if at all, awesome.  But as I put it together, and saw everyone else's, I started to actually believe it.  I am fucking awesome.  (And so are you).

I also read comments on here from two of my ever supportive readers (and brilliant bloggers themselves!), Greg and Carol.  (Greg, yes, can I please take you up on that support offer?)

Anyway, all of that, topped with your phone call, has really made me think that I am ok.  I am pretty cool.  I am 'fucking awesome'.  So with all my heart, thank you for your major part in helping me realise this.  Today, a random day, I finally 'got' that I am.  With all my faults and imperfections and bad habits - and unshaved legs - lol - I am awesome. :)

But there's something more that grabbed me tonight, and that is that you said what you wanted.  You want to lose weight and you are feeling overwhelmed about it.  You said you doubt yourself and don't have faith in yourself.

Gorgeous Girl, I want you to know that you can do this.  I know you can, because I heard it in your voice.  People who don't really care, don't sound like that.  In your voice I could hear passion, determination and fear.  And fear is not a bad thing - in fact, it's the opposite.  Like what I said about the crazy events I enter.  I don't think about them until the day before, realise what I have entered, and freak out.  And then the next day, do it anyway.

And likewise for you, with this, I know you're terrified, but that's ok.  You can do this.  I want to help you.  I am no guru, I have no qualifications in this area, I am no expert.  But here are my suggestions, for you, Gorgeous Girl, and for anyone out there who may be struggling - wherever you are on your journey.  Take them or leave them, take some and refute the rest.  It's up to you.  This is just what has worked for me, or what I have learnt.  

Thank you Gorgeous Girl, Greg, Carol and Ruth, for kickstarting a major change of how I see myself. And for Gorgeous Girl, and all the other gorgeous girls and boys out there, who want to do this so bad, and are stuck, for whatever reason, never give up the good fight. No matter how long it takes you. 

Kate xo

for Gorgeous Girl (& all the gorgeous girls (and boys)

1. START. Just start. Whether you've never done this before or you've tried before and failed, just start.  It doesn't matter if you've tried once, three times or 513 times like me. It took me 3
times to quit smoking. On the third attempt I actually quit. Failing the first two times doesn't negate the fact that I am now an ex smoker. I've been cigarette free for 18 months - that's what I think about, not that it took me 3 attempts. Just because you may have failed before doesn't mean you will this time. One time you will get it. Why not this time?

2. DON'T START OUT 'PERFECT'. BECOME 'PERFECT'. Try not to be overwhelmed. It's easy to be - there's so much to focus on! Nutrition, exercise, meal planning, mindset stuff, cooking, shopping, goal setting, fitness, weighing, not to mention the rest of your life (work, family etc.!)  It IS overwhelming. But take one thing at a time. Even if the first week is simply about nutrition. If that's all you can focus on, then do that. You can add other things in later. You don't have to do everything perfect from Day 1. Then add in the next thing, and the next. Doing one thing at a time slowly is better than trying to do everything and stopping because it's too much.

3. NO MORE, NO LESS. Eat 1200 calories a day. If you want to lose weight, much less is too little. Much more is too many.

4. BEAUTIFY YOUR FOOD. Get excited about your food. Make it colourful, present it nicely, make people in your work kitchen turn heads. If you feel like you're treating yourself, you're more likely to stay on track. It's about nourishing your body, but also your mind. Let's be honest, that brown mush from the freezer is not going to cut it long term and you'll start to look elsewhere. Healthy doesn't have to be boring or ugly.

5. EAT WHAT YOU LIKE. I don't mean eat whatever you want; but eat what you LIKE - what you enjoy. Don't eat apple on warm muesli if it makes you gag. Why would you do that to yourself? Find foods you like to eat and stick to them. As per No.4 above, if you don't like the food you're eating you're not going to stick to it, as much as you swear to yourself that you will.

6. BECOME A KITCHEN MILITANT. Do cook ups, freeze meals & prepare food for the
week. It takes a while but it's worth it. When I prepare my food, like cutting up snacks and portioning things, it takes the daily guess work out and I just grab my prepared food and run. Not trying to liken yummy food to this, but it's like hospital or aeroplane food. You generally don't get a say in what you get. It's just presented to you and you eat it. Same if you prepare
your food. It's just what's on the menu for today, no thinking and no deviations. Except with your food you get to choose what you eat!

7. LOVE YOUR TRAINER. If boot camps or personal training is for you, find a trainer that you love. This is almost an essential. Trainers should NOT make you feel pathetic, or make you push through serious injury or ignore your needs or wants. Yelling is ok, belittling is not. They should encourage, support, and help enable you to do your best. If you have one who doesn't, leave now. There are plenty more out there. Nothing will bring you down fast enough like a trainer who doesn't believe in you. Find one who's been where you are. Or someone who pushes you when you want to stop. Ask for referrals from friends. Whoever it is, the choice is yours. But don't fork out your well earned $ to someone who doesn't deserve it. Don't fall into the complacency trainer trap. I'm lucky I've found a few over the past year who inspire, motivate and believe in me. They have had the most massive impact on my training and subsequent weight loss. Find yours.

8. ONLY DO WHAT YOU LOVE. If group or personal training isn't your thing, find YOUR thing. Do exercise that you enjoy. You don't have to enjoy running. Or gym classes. Or cycling.
There are no rules :) You can do whatever you like! Just MOVE and burn those calories. I thought I loved cycling and pushed and pushed with it to the point of many a tearful breakdown. It wasn't until a friend said "you hate cycling" that I realised she was right. It's easy to fall into a belief that we have to like something just because all of our friends are doing it. I did an event last week and all I could think about during it was "I'd rather be running." And I daydream about boot camp too. There's my answers, right there. Definitely try everything you can, seek it all out, do it all if you can. But if you're not motivated or happy while doing something, there's probably a reason. Don't waste your precious time. :)

9. BE GENTLE. Don't be too hard on yourself. Gorgeous Girl and Carol taught me that :) You are not going to lose weight any faster by berating yourself or all of your shortcomings. As hard as it is when you falter or fall, try to be kind to yourself. Celebrate how far you've come. Even if you've just started, well, my dear, YOU'VE STARTED! Celebrate that! Would you berate a friend if they went off track? Would it help them if you called them names and told them over and over that they're a failure? Ahh, no. So don't do it to yourself. Be gentle.

10. PICK YOURSELF UP. 513 TIMES. Get it in your head right now that you're going to fuck up. Whatever you'd like that word to mean, it's inevitable so get used to it now. I'm sure there's perfect people out there ;) but my generalised assumption is that most people fall at some point. To what degree and how often is personal but from my experience its pretty much a given. I truly hope you don't, I really do. But if you do, just accept it. It comes part in parcel. If doesn't matter why you fell, what matters is that you get up again. Someone who falls down 11 times and gets up 12 will get there quicker than someone who falls once and stays there. Pick yourself back up and KEEP GOING. Don't stop. Yes it is bloody hard. If it was easy I would have been at goal 512 attempts ago. :) For an all or nothing / perfectionist like me, this has been my hardest lesson.  You've got to keep at it.  2 steps forward and 1 step back is still 1 step forward.  There's a saying that anything that is worth having is worth any hard work that you need to do to get it.  So don't give up.

11. YOU JUST NEED ONE. Find someone who supports you. It breaks my heart when I hear that people don't have support around them, or even worse, that they have people who bring them down. It makes this journey so much easier if you have someone who has your back. You only need one person. Just one. And there will be someone, you may just have to look for a while. If you truly don't have anyone then message me and I will be that person. See? There is at least one. Try and steer clear of the people who don't treat you right or bring you down. My bullshit radar has gone into overdrive this past year. Anyone who doesn't treat me right? I'm outta there. I don't have time for them anymore- I now focus my attention elsewhere. I am beside myself with gratitude that I have so much support around me and believe that this has been the major drive in how I have been able to keep going.

12. DO ALL OF THE PROGRAM. Do Michelle Bridges 12WBT. Or a program that works for you. I do 12WBT and love it. This is the program that has worked for me and I can not recommend it highly enough. If you're doing it then do it - do it all. Follow all of the program, use all of the recipes, access all of the forums, join all of the Facebook groups, watch all of Mish's videos, do all of the live chats, meet all of the people. Embrace it all. You have to give your all to it - this is your new lifestyle. Lifestyles don't come and go, they are for life. So treat this program (or a program that suits you) that way. Do it and you will love it. But you gotta do it all.

13. BEND AND STRETCH. Be flexible. Your goals that you set at the start will most likely
change. Be adaptable, be flexible and change your goals as needed. Reassess at every opportunity. I feel so refreshed and refocused when I do this - do it as often as needed.

14. MAP YOURSELF. Have goals in the first place! If you don't know where you're going....well...  They don't have to be goal weights. Make it a goal pair of jeans. Or a goal yellow dress. ;) Or a fitness related goal. Or measurements. Or an emotion. But plan on where you want to go or how you want to be and then chunk it down into mini goals so it's not overwhelming. 

15. SURROUND YOURSELF. Inspire yourself. Surround yourself with as much inspiration as you can. Make an inspiration wall at home. Put a photo in your wallet. Use graphs. Put a Post-It on your desk at work with one word written on it. Wear a special wrist band, or ring. Wherever
possible, place reminders of what you are doing. Remind yourself at every opportunity.

16. BECOME AN ACTOR. Fake it until you don't have to. You don't have to 'feel ready' to start. I wanted to do this but I was terrified - I didn't know if this was the 'right time'. Pretend you are ready. Just start living the new lifestyle and your mind will catch up. Be the actor in your own life until you become that person.

17. SPILL. Share. Tell people. Make yourself accountable. When I started this I didn't tell a soul. Now I have undies photos on the Internet. I didn't just jump to that point though! It was a very slow process that I am still working through. The first time someone accidentally found out about what I was doing sent me into a fit of near hysteria - feeling hot all over and breaking down in the work toilets. It's like people seeing you naked. it's exposing something so deeply personal. But I share more and more as time goes on because it helps me. Because you know what? People are actually really nice! They are happy to help. They want to help. People love supporting. Find your own cheersquad. They can be on the Internet, you don't have to know them. You'll be surprised at the support you can get and how it can spur you on. Open up and share...slowly, and in your own time. It might take a year before you tell the first person. But take it from me, the more you feel comfortable, the more you share, the more support you get, and the more you feel you can just forge ahead. Because there is freedom in sharing- and once you have this freedom, you will fly.

18. WORK AROUND LIFE. So you've managed to get into the groove. You've got it all in check. Everything's going swimmingly. A few hiccups, but that's ok, you're managing them.
You're starting to think you're doing pretty damn awesome and you have 'got' this! Then BAM! You'll lose your job. Or break your ankle. Or get hit by a car. Or be betrayed by a friend. Sometimes all in the same day. This was not in the plan!!!! Some things happen and they knock the wind out of us. Just keep going. Get through it as best you can. Yep, it might stuff up your perfect plan... :) You may need to change things around now. But you can do this. Just sit down, restock, replan, ask for help, do whatever it takes to get you through this patch. Your brilliant plan THAT YOU LAMINATED?!....may need to be edited. Your road map will probably change. Plan as best you can and deal with what you get. Just know that you will get through the other side. And be stronger for it.

19. "THAT'S THE LAST ONE." Ahhh...4 familiar words. If someone does an event, but
comes through the finish line last, did they still do the event? Of course they did. This is a lesson I am still learning. :) Don't let the fear of coming last, hold you back from trying. I hold
the grand title of being the last through the finish line at many events. As my picture above says, sometimes I have even had a police escort. I'm the girl who gets talked about. Who takes 7 hours when others take 3. Once I singlehandedly held up the entire Brisbane City Busway because I was so slow. If the finish banner is still standing when I finish an event, I see it as bonus. I cry, I grit my teeth, I dig my finger nails into my palms, I hyperventilate out of sheer disappointment. I've even considered hiding mid course sometimes until everyone leaves, just to hide embarrassment. Once I was in an event and another event started after mine. It overtook me. Yes, the entire event overtook me. Every single person. I still have trouble dealing with this when it happens. Yeah I know you do events for yourself, and it doesn't matter where you come, blah blah blah. The reality is though, I'm human. And when you're last pretty much every single time, humans do get sad and they do cry a bit. But I still try. One, because I like medals :) and two, I guess because I want to do the event. I just grit my teeth and know that one day I will be somewhere in the middle. Maybe! Maybe not. But I'm still going to do the event. Don't let it stop you from entering. Coz events are fun. And as someone wise once told me, pain is temporary but stories last forever. The best stories happen at the back. Do it anyway. :)

20. ENJOY. Enjoy this process. For every minute of hard work, I've had an hour of fun along this journey. Who would have thought that the process of weight loss could be enjoyable?

Seriously I enjoy the process just as much as the results! The experiences I have had, the people I have met, the things I have done, are phenomenal. I have never danced, laughed, felt, cried, slid, climbed, moonwalked, fallen, jumped, skipped, ran, giggled, flew, partied, screamed, experienced, loved, and LIVED as much in my life as I have over the past year. You start this journey thinking its about weight loss. You soon realise its about life. ENJOY IT.

So Gorgeous Girl(s and boys), there are my favourite ideas for what has worked for me. I didn't invent these things; the process stuff I was taught, and the feeling stuff I learnt over time. I learn more each day and always will. I just want you to know that you can do this.

Oh, and Gorgeous Girl, you know how I said I wanted to start going to bed early because I need to get more sleep? And I was going to try the night you rang me? Well, I didn't. This post has now taken me 3 days to write, around work etc. And I haven't gotten to bed early yet over those 3 days. I'll try again tonight. That's Number 21: Try again. Always try again.

You've got this.

Monday, 1 July 2013

And on the 513th try, she did it.

Remember that one time that I said I was back on track and then I stuffed up?  Remember how I did it again?  And again?  And again?  Yeah, that was pretty funny....

Well actually, it wasn't funny at all.  But it's true.  Coz guess what?  That's right folks, I stuffed up again!  I know, I know.  I've written this kind of post before.  Ohhhh how I've gone off I've been reinspired...or remotivated...and this time is it.  How I've worked out
why and then I do a blog post to let you know that I'm back, usually after the fact.

I make myself cry.  I do this over and over.  Yeah, I do it less, and yeah I get back on track, blah blah blah.  I almost didn't blog this.  It's not very inspiring.  It's pretty embarrassing.  But my blog is completely I'm not going to sit here and write about how well I am doing and bury the truth.  My last post, 2 weeks ago, said the same thing.  I had royally stuffed up.  I got reinvigorated - I truly did!  But I stuffed that up.  And here we are today...

So it's pretty embarrassing to be writing a similar post - again.

Britney's "Oops, I did it again" is playing in my head.  But this isn't some girly pop song.  This is my life.

I've always joked about doing things in 'Kate Time'.  I was born 3 weeks after I was due.  And I joke that I've been like that since.  I got my drivers license later.  I get things done, I do things...but in my own time.  Give me a chance and I will get there.  I may frustrate the hell out
of myself and everyone around me in the meantime, but when if you're patient with me, and don't give up on me, I will shine brighter than you could have ever imagined.  You just sometimes have to wait a while for me to catch up.

So this is one of those times.  Fall down 512 times, stand up 513.  I realised today that I am the luckiest girl in the world.  I want to lose weight, right?  Well at my finger tips, I have this plethora of support.  I have 12WBT - this amazing program that has helped me shift 'about 40kg' so far...and it works.  I'm paying for it, and it's brilliant.  I am a part of multiple amazing Facebook groups that have my back.  I have the most amazing, inspiring trainer and encouraging boot camp team.  All of my friends and family are encouraging me with this.  They tell me they are proud.  They tell other people about me.  They cheer for me on my journey.  I was thinking earlier, and aside from me, I couldn't think of one person who sabotages my efforts.  Not one.  How frigging lucky am I?

Yet I don't hone in on this support that I have.  Who knows, it may not be around forever.  I need to use it now and take advantage of what I have available to me.  I know I am lucky.  Some people don't have any support - or worse still, they have people who drag them down.  I'm doing this for me, not for anyone else, but support around me helps me do this for myself.

Someone said to me tonight "when do we stop the crap and get into it?"  And they were right.  WHEN?  This person also said that it's easy to say you'll start tomorrow.  Ummm, yeah it is. 
Gabi from 12WBT rocks xx
Especially as you're downing a Red Rooster Tropicana Pack!  Promises are pretty easy to make when you have a pineapple fritter hanging out of your mouth.

I don't expect anyone to believe that this time I won't stop.  If anything, because I don't believe it myself.  I truly don't.  It's not that I don't believe in myself.  It's just that I have stuffed up so many times, why should I believe that this time is different?  I'm scared of it happening again.

But you know, what's the alternative?  If I keep going the way I am going, I won't be 141kg again, I will be more.  But that's not even a factor because I know I won't let myself do that.  So if I won't let myself, then I know what I need to do.

And I do.  I know exactly what to do.  Tomorrow is the 1st of July.  In about half an hour we will be half way through the year.  It's the start of Week 8.  There's 4 more weeks of this round.  5 weeks till finale.  6 months till new years resolutions are set and this time I will not be making a resolution or goal to lose weight - because I won't need to.  This year is it.

I haven't planned anything for tomorrow - I haven't got any food, I have no meals prepared, I
have no action plan.  But I won't let that stop me.  I can become prepared, even if I don't wake up to a perfectly planned day on Day '1'.

I know what to do.  I will follow 12WBT, use their tools - nutrition & exercise plans, watch Mish's videos, enter my stats, use the forums.  I will keep up Instagram with joining some friends missions: #operationhungry and #striderschallenge.  I will ask my boot camper friends, Facebook groups and friends for their support.  I will make myself accountable in different ways to everyone who supports me.  I will drink 4L of water a day.  For now I will not allow myself occassional small bits of 'occassional' food, because, I can't trust myself right now.

It's a bit scary that I'm not 'feeling' it tonight. I'm not feeling confident. I'm just relying on the little fire inside of me.

It would be cool if I had used the last few hours I have had spare to prep myself for a successful week.  But I haven't.  But I will still start, and fix things as I go along.

Tomorrow morning I will show up for boot camp with nothing prepared except for the desire of
fire in my eyes.  I made a commitment to my trainer 2 weeks ago.  It meant a lot and I meant it.  But I stuffed that up.  But it's not too late and I will re-make that commitment tomorrow.  Not for her, but for me.  I'm lucky enough to have people and resources around me right now to do what I need to do?  Well, I need to use them.

We're halfway through the 6 months time I'll be glad I 'started' today (tomorrow).

It's bloody hard work.

But I'm worth it.