Sunday, 31 December 2017

'The new years spirit'

Happy 2018, love Coco Girl

Well, almost!  As I type this I have 24 hours and 27 minutes left of 2017.  (It's just after 11:30pm on Saturday 30th December here in Brisbane, Australia).

I just wanted to jump on here and wish everyone a happy new year in 2018.

I mentioned in my previous post that Christmas has always been my favourite day / time of the year.  But I realised today that for now, at least, it's actually the New Year that I love the most.

I never thought I'd say that, as I have had some of the worst New Years Eve's ever - they're way too awful, personal and inappropriate to even start to share here.

But it's not the "New Years Eve celebration" that I adore (or detest)'s the fact that so many people - so many, see so much hope ahead of them.  

Social media becomes flooded with images of sparkling numbers and quotes about hope and turning dreams into fruition, fresh starts, resolutions and new habits; and feel-good hashtags come out in full force, such as #hope #dream #goals #believe #newyearnewme and so on.

I know that for every pretty new year Instagram image there's a person who (fairly) turns their nose up at people who make resolutions and jokes about how gyms are full only for the first week of the new year.  I know that even the best intended resolutions often fall by the wayside, and that new habits can be forgotten before you can say "January."

But I personally find it so inspiring and I proudly put my hand up and say that I get caught up in the hype.  Other than the rallying of community and the outpouring of human kindness and generosity that follows tragic world events, when else do we see such an influx of people with a sparkle of hope in their eyes?  

That's what I love the most.  No matter what kind of year people have had, so many have the strength and hope to look forward to a better year - a better world - a better them.  Who cares if the success rate of new years resolutions is as low as the amount of people's New Years Eve plans expectations being met?

I love living in a world where individuals can dream of better things ahead.  As a human race, we need it.  

Each year is going to have it's ups and downs, and let's be real: the fact that it's January 1st and not December 31st, will not have any bearing on how far we're going to excel in our specific quests for greatness.  It is, in fact, just another day.

But where there's a sparkle in someone's eye, a glimmer of hope; there's possibility.  And that's how all dreams begin.

And I for one, am not one to squash that.

I have so many dreams for 2018 and have changed from previous years.  Gone are the days where I feel that midnight needs to be perfect, or I have to have my to do list in good working order, or my filing done before it's January (!)

Instead, I've alleviated my shoulders from perfectionism, and it feels amazing.  I plan on
My January book
focusing on my core values and checking myself on whether what I spend my time on is aligned with those values and what I want to achieve.  

I've removed pressure in that I no longer have '2018 goals', '2019 goals' and so on.  I just have goals.

To support me to achieve my gazillion dreams and goals, I plan to learn more, read more, move away from things that aren't serving me, and improve on my downfalls.  

I don't have rules, but I have acceptance.  Acceptance that I'm human and that I can only do the best I can do.

And I hope that however you see things, that at some point you can feel the 'new years spirit', too.

Whether you're a mad fan of goal setting and have your planners, diaries, vision boards, stickers and highlighters ready to go tomorrow night, or you simply have a few quiet dreams simmering in your mind... 

Whether you'll be spending the night in with a couple of friends and a cheese platter, or in a
Focus for the new year.  Less time wasting.
club, restaurant or waterfront with a million revelers and a few too many vodkas...

Whether you'll be sound asleep by 9pm; barefoot and holding your shoes waiting for a cab or Uber along with the rest of your city at 2am; or be woken up on the hour with a crying newborn...

Whether you see in midnight under fireworks or under your bedroom ceiling...

Whether you have a new years kiss or the comfort of a teddy bear...

Whatever your situation, and no matter how you feel your 2017 has gone; my wish for you is that you can at some point take a look around and see the hope that is in the air.  It's a rare occurrence, but if you look closely, you'll see that it comes out at least once a year: that sparkle in people's eyes.

And if you're not feeling it, as they say, if you can't beat 'em; join 'em.  Just give it a go.

And as for goals and resolutions, you don't have to change the world or move mountains on the 1st of January; or any time in fact.  Just be kind - to yourself and those around you.  That really is enough.

Wishing you each the happiest new year, and may your midnight wishes meet your hard work and make your dreams come true in 2018.


Coco Girl / Kate

Sunday, 24 December 2017

When you're grieving at Christmas


Yes, it has been a while...for good reason this time.  I still intend on catching you up on the last few months, but today's not that day.  In brief though, as at last Weigh In Wednesday (today's Saturday), I've lost 19.3kg since resetting on the 1st July.  The way I've been eating
this week will probably make next Wednesday's weigh in go in the 'wrong' direction, but let's talk about that later.

I'm super proud of the 19.3kg, and while it's taken almost 6 months, that does not bother me at all.  The learning's and changes I've made in these months are worth their 'weight' in gold.  My blog topic list still stands, don't you worry, and I will fill in the gaps.

But, as the title of this post says, this one is not focused on battling chocolate or sharing my meal prep.  (Although both of those things have gone out the window this week!)

As the title suggests, I feel the need to write about grief at Christmas time.

Before I go on; just for the record, I am not qualified in anything about this topic.  I'm not a psychologist, psychiatrist, counsellor, doctor or medical practitioner of any kind, and I don't have the answers.  For anyone needing grief or any type of counselling, please contact a crisis organisation in your area.  In Australia, we have Lifeline: and many others.  I just googled "international crisis contacts" and a whole range came up, including a few sites that list numbers to call in a whole array of countries.  I don't want to miss any countries out, so instead of directing you somewhere, I ask that you google it.  If you can access my blog, I imagine you can access Google.  This post is not a "how to cope" guide, or anything along those lines, and I am not a professional in this area.  I hope I have made that clear.  If you need help, please reach out, as there ARE people who can help.

This post is simply about me chatting about how I am feeling.  Maybe some people will be able to relate.  I imagine many of you will.

It's a little bit off topic for me, in a way.  But while my predominant content is all about weight loss and fitness gain and everything that comes with those things, I'm very much human, and I do have a lot more things in my life other than trying to lose weight. :)

When I was 9, my Dad gave me my first diary.  I wrote it in most days, and I continued until
my early 20's.  My diaries from the ages of 9 to 11 were very much factual, about what I did each day, like record keeping.  I traveled a lot during those 2 years, so they were kind of the style of travel journals - what happened.  Some days were simply "Today we played."  It was pretty deep.


When I hit 12 though, the writing style changed, and wow, now those diaries are hot property.  They started with entries titled "My first bra" and "The first time I shaved my legs" and went on from there.  I found I mainly wrote when I was really emotional, in whichever end of the glorious human emotion spectrum I was in.  I overcame a lot of hurdles in my early 20's, and as such, my writing settled down, as I guess my need to, also diminished.

I feel that's quite like my blog - I find writing really therapeutic: when I feel the desire to.

And going by the title of this post, it's pretty clear that the desire is, sadly, there.

Yes, I'm grieving, and yes, it's Christmas.

And it's really hard.  

I know I'm not the only one to ever go through grief at Christmas time, and certainly not the only one who's going through it this year.  You'd perhaps think that knowing this would be some strange comfort, in that I'm not alone.  However it's one of the rare things in life that you wish you were alone in: I wouldn't wish grief on anyone.  It makes me even more sad to think of how many others are having the worst time right now.

Grief or sadness at any time of year is hard, but why is it that Christmas seems to make it more heightened, or more unwanted?  Is it the expectation of tradition that Christmas is supposed to be a happy time?  Is it that we miss our loved ones more on special occasions?  I've always declared Christmas Day as my favourite day of the year.  But I have to question myself on this at the moment.

Christmas carols lyrics such as:

"'Tis the season to be jolly"
"What a bright time, it's the right time, to rock the night away"
"It’s the most wonderful time of the year"

jump out at me more than ever, ringing through my ears for hours after hearing them played in Coles.  Is it pressure?  Or is it just a reminder of Christmas's where I have been overwhelmingly happy, and I'm reminded that I'm not so much this year?

One of my relatives passed away a few weeks ago, and this week I lost a really close friend in a really devastating, confusing way.  I was doing pretty well - actually very well, but there's no rules on grief, and I was starkly reminded of this on Thursday.

I'm trying so hard to focus on the blessings in my life.  This is certainly not hard.  I am completely blessed, and tonight (it's just clocked over to Christmas Eve as I type this) and tomorrow I am going to be under the same roof as my entire immediate family for the first time in two years.  Part of my immediate family are 5 kids under 5, who are my world.  They are so precious and one of two Miss Five's melted my heart today when she showed me how she's practicing how to sleep while Santa visits.  My family love me and support me and I cannot begin to describe how blessed that I know I am.

And that's just for a start.

But grief seems to be able to overtake or skew the view of even the greatest of blessings that we have.

Grief doesn't just come from loss.  My heart is breaking for friends of mine who have very recently separated and are facing their first Christmas as a broken family.  For an older friend who when I asked what she's doing on Christmas Day, she said "nothing" (because her friends are doing other things and she doesn't have any close family).  For a few close people to me who have just been diagnosed with cancer.  For multiple friends who are struggling to conceive.  For a dear friend whose 3 year old daughter is going through chemo.

Cruel things happen all year round but Christmas time it just seems to enhance the pain of it, and I can't pinpoint why.

I've found it hard to find the Christmas spirit for the last few years.  I surprised myself by 'finding' it a couple of weeks ago.  But events since then have shook that up a lot.

One thing that is helping is to 'give'.  For me it's been in the form of an unplanned over-surge in my Christmas shopping.  I'm not materialistic and of course I know that there's so many kind ways we can give (give back).  But with my focus out the window right now, buying far and wide just happened to occur.  My bank balance may not agree, but it's made me feel good as I've bought and wrapped.

As I said earlier, this post is not about advice, rather than just sharing how I'm doing at the moment.  And that makes me realise another thing that's helping me - writing.

My eating has gone out the window; I haven't cared about what I've been putting in my mouth (hence why I said I'm sure that the scales will go in the wrong direction next week.  But I haven't cared - it's been like "whatever".  I'm sure I'll pull myself out of it and start making smarter choices, but I'm not about to put any pressure on, especially on Christmas Eve!

I really thought I was going somewhere with this post...but it appears not.  I think I thought that writing it out will help me gain perspective or...something.  But I guess it's more of a chatty post, with no resolution or advice or direction.  Just "blurgh": this is how it is.

What I will say is that if you too are grieving, then please know that I'm thinking of you and am sending you my love.  If you need to, please contact an organisation in your area, or call a friend or family member.  I've been (unusually) very open with my family, and I'm sure they'll cut me some slack if I'm not myself tomorrow.  We can get very good at hiding things,
but sometimes it's a relief to just open up and know that it's okay to not be okay.  Maybe some of the things that have helped me (trying to focus on my blessings, giving to others, writing, and looking towards the new year) may help you think of ideas for yourself.

And if you're just feeling sad, that's okay.  Never deny yourself feelings of any kind.  Sometimes we know that we are blessed but it still hurts.  Appreciating what we have doesn't mean you can't feel what you need to feel.  Let's get through this day as best as we can, and make allowances for ourselves.  The Christmas spirit is still there, and while we may not be feeling it as much this year, I pray that it comforts you in some way.

I know what I said before about Christmas carol lyrics, but there is one that I want to share with you.  It's a carol called "The Christmas Hope", and a snippet of the lyrics are below.

No matter what your circumstances are, whether you're grieving, feeling sad, are alone, or if things aren't going as you thought they would, I hope these words comfort you and give you a sprinkle of hope tomorrow.

Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones, whether they're with you tomorrow or not xoxo

"Hope is a present
A gift freely given
To all who receive
And open their hearts
Hope is a promise
For a better tomorrow
In a world filled with sorrow
We always have hope"

(The Christmas Hope)

Sunday, 1 October 2017

Since the 1st July series: overview


So I reset myself on the 1st July and today is the 1st October.  It's been 3 months - or 13 weeks and 1 day.  It's about time I start sharing what I've been doing!

As I said a couple of posts ago, I genuinely mean to blog, but I get so ridiculously overwhelmed, so easily, that I put it off.  Not just blogging, but everything.  I haven't opened my Facebook in 3-4 weeks.  The little red notifications number must be capped at 99,
A screenshot of my Facebook app #shakes
because it was 99 more than a week ago, and it keep refreshing.  The more refreshing it does, the more I get overwhelmed, and the more anxious I get about opening up the app.

So I don't.

And it just gets worse (I get more behind).

It sounds ridiculous, because it is.

But that's how overwhelm rolls.

And it's the same with blogging.  As I said on that post I just mentioned, I had a genius idea to write a list of topics to direct me to write a series of shorter posts.  Wonderful!

That list is yet to be put together (I have 3 half lists).  That in itself makes me overwhelmed.


I'm just going to start writing and see where it takes me.  This is going to be an overview, and then step by step, just like all good journeys, I'll choose and write about one aspect of what I've changed / been doing.  And then write the one after that.  And then the one after that.  Like the quote I used on Instagram this morning:

"You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain."
(Tom Hiddleston)

So, where I am at today?

-16.7kg down, since resetting on 1st July.  This is my current monthly weight loss chart (I weighed in this morning to get September's result, so it is as up to date as you can get!

While my weight has been going down (since 1st July, anyway!), everything else has been going up and down, like most humans.  (Life was never meant to be straight and stagnant, was it?)

My food has been up:

and down:

My emotions have been up:

and down:

My habits have been down:

and up (yes, I changed the order of this one on purpose because I've battled this one, go me!)

(I did keep scrolling)

You get the picture.  I've had some of the best days of my life and some of the worst.  And while I am an actress, I am not being dramatic.  It's been a whirlwind few months of ups and downs.

But through it all, not only have I gotten through it; I've maintained myself on this health journey, and I'm pretty frigging proud of myself for that.

Let me let you go for now, so I can get onto start writing the first post of the series of "Since the 1st July".πŸ™‚

This post only took me an hour to put together completely - I'm pretty impressed!  Let's see how I go with keeping my posts short and succinct.  Two words that I have never quite grappled so far in my early-mid age.

Thank you for those who have been following me, some of who have done so for years.  It's those of you who see what I believe in my heart, that I will eventually break through all of the barriers that I am trying to break through.

"Thank you", will never be enough.

Love Kate xoxo

P.S. Check out Michelle Bridges' new book, "Keeping It Off".  It got released this week and there's a very special page that you should check out: page 39.πŸ˜‰  It's a bit about me!  Congrats Mish on tackling such an important subject.  I don't need to explain the relevance of the book's topic to me.πŸ’—

Mish's new book

Page 39πŸ™‚

P.P.S. I've still been updating my Snapchat and Instagram stories more than I have any other social media lately.  (They're identical, I record on Snap and then upload onto Insta as soon as (and if) I have time, so Snap is more in the moment and used more.)  But if those platforms interest you, then you can find me there in the (many times) I'm not blogging).πŸ™‚  My Snapcode is:

And then, of course, my beloved Instagram.  I feel like I've been posting less since I started using Snap and Instagram stories, but it's still a constant for me:

My Instagram

Saturday, 23 September 2017

Winners of the Brisbane Fitness Show competition!

Congratulations to the winners of the 2017 @ausfitnessshow @cocogirlbutter competition!


You have each been drawn out of a (literal) pink @m_b_active hat and each won a free double pass to the 2017 Fitness Show!

Check your email inboxes for all of the details, and thank you to all of those who entered; I sincerely wish I could have picked out more than 3 names.

Even if you haven't won, I highly recommend the show to anyone who can get along; it'a such an inspiring weekend. πŸ‹πŸΌπŸ€³πŸΌπŸ₯˜πŸŒΏπŸ“πŸƒπŸΌ

Have a look at for more details and to get information on features, timetables and celebrities. (Check out the line up - eeek!❤️πŸ˜„πŸ€³πŸΌ)

Congratulations girls and thanks to everyone who entered xo

Monday, 11 September 2017

Win tickets to the Brisbane Fitness Show!

Attention Brissie babes, Gold Coast guys and gals, super Sunny Coasters and everyone near and in between; Australia's largest fitness and health expo, the Fitness Show, is visiting Brisbane next month!

@cocogirlbutter has once again teamed up with the Fitness Show and we have 3 double passes to give away to this years show. To enter, simply follow the instructions on the attached picture.

Each double pass is worth $40+ and will give you access to over 150 brands offering show specials, as well as the opportunity to:
πŸ‹πŸΌBe inspired by watching Powerlifting, CrossFit, Strongman, Bodybuilding and Sports Modelling competitions
🀳Meet fitness celebrities and sports models
πŸ₯˜Learn how to make nutritious and easy to prepare meals and get healthy living advice at the Healthy Living Stage
πŸ“Attend educational seminars for fitness professionals
πŸƒπŸΌWorkout with celeb trainers

Plus much more. Check out for more details and to get information on features, timetables and celebrities.

For your chance to win one of 3 double passes to the 2017 Brisbane Fitness Show, simply email your full name to by Wednesday 20th September.

Each double pass is valid for any one day of the show that the winner chooses.

Entries will be drawn at random after Thursday 21st September and shared across all @cocogirlbutter platforms and contacted directly.

You've got to be in it to win it! Good luck!

Coco Girl xx

Saturday, 5 August 2017

Breaking the drought


For the 70th time since starting this blog, here I go again with a few (!) weeks in between saying hey.  For those who follow me on IG or Snap in particular, you would have watched me many times in the last month or so saying "I'll blog the details" or "I'll explain everything on my blog" or "I promise I'll blog this weekend."

I do mean it!  But sometimes, like with weight loss, it just takes me a little longer than most to actually get it done.

I truly have so many stories and things to share; all things weight loss (and gain!), exercise, injuries, food, life ups and downs, lessons, overhauls, creating a better version of myself and of course my usual "only Kate" stories, that I just don't know where to begin.  But I'm doing myself up a little 'bite-sized chunks' plan, where everything seems a little bit more achievable; so that I can share everything, where it won't take me 7 hours to write each post, and where you won't need to call each blog post a novel.

This post is just the quickest of quick summaries, (really - I've given myself 25 minutes!), simply to break the writing drought, to say hi and to give you the briefest overview of where I'm at.

My previous post was saying how nervous I was about my high school reunion at the start of June (far out, Kate!)  Well, I survived that, just (that's on my list of topics).  I continued to eat like it was the last supper all through June and piled on even more weight.  I'll add my 2017 monthly weight calendar onto this post so you can see at a glance how my year has been in that department.

Anyway, somehow I pulled myself together on the 1st July and have been going well with the food thing since then.  I've lost 11kg so far and other than the last few days of a slight
My 2017 according to the scales
chocolate overload, I'm still on track.  I've been trying a few new things and they're working.

In a nutshell, I have never enjoyed my food so much, felt such a low (no) need to binge, and have never felt such 'food freedom' as I have in this past month.  I can't wait to share all of my little stories, updates, recaps and explanations, now that I'm doing a plan and have officially broken the writing drought!

Be back soon, my 25 minutes is up!

Love Kate xxoo

Saturday, 3 June 2017

My high school reunion is tomorrow night

How do you invent Post-It notes in 24 hours?

For those who don’t follow my Snapchat and Instagram stories, I've been talking lately that my high school reunion is coming up, (it's now tomorrow night), and yes, I’m freaking out.

This is a difficult post to share, because it’s so deep and personal, and even still, I’m barely scratching the surface of everything that’s in my mind. 

Okay, my entire blog is deep and personal :) but in the sharing stakes, this is still one step further than I’ve been before.

I’ve known about this event for at least 6 months, when I first got that Facebook invitation with the words that make many adults….ummm, feel a wide range of emotions…. or in my case, freak the fuck out and want to run screaming to the hills.  ("High School Reunion.”) 

What hills?  I don’t know.  But nowhere near the reunion, that’s for sure.

I’ve been worrying about this event for the entire 6 months.  One of my school friends that I still catch up with is the organiser, and I asked her over a teary coffee catch up one night, “Why did you make it in June?”

She explained that it was far enough ahead that people could plan in advance, book travel if needed, make arrangements, save up.

I looked at her, perplexed.  “No, I mean why did you make it in June, and not later, in November, because we graduated school in November – that’s the real anniversary?”  I was meaning the opposite to what she thought.  Time wise, I didn’t mean, why was it so far out, I meant why didn’t you give me an extra 5 months to get my life to a point where I feel confident in rocking up??  Dude!  Don’t short change me!

I had to do all of the ‘high school reunion things’:

  1. Get married / engaged / find a long term partner / find a partner
  2. Have babies
  3. Buy a house
  4. Lose 50kg
  5. And invent Post-It notes!
She explained that later in the year gets so busy with end of year functions, Christmas events, kids sporting commitments, graduations, break-up parties etc. etc. etc.  I understood her reasoning, and Kas is an absolute champ for taking on this task for all of us.

But on the inside, I was screaming for myself and freaking out.

Jump forward a few months, and I’m no closer to getting proposed to, am not knocked up, owning my own home is still a long distant future possibility, I’ve put on weight, and don’t get me started on those Post-It notes.

Now, for those few who believe everything they read (like me, haha), I list these things partly in jest, of course.  There’s no rule book stating where you need to be in life, at certain stages, nor what you need to achieve.  So if you don't already, please ‘get’ my writing style and don’t think that that’s my real list.  [Disclaimer over.]

No-one cares where you’re at, and if they do, it’s none of our business.

Success is individually defined, and that right there is the reason that I’ve worked myself up so much about tomorrow night.  And to be honest, ‘success’ is not the right word to describe how I’ve been feeling.  It’s not about ‘success’ at all.

The pointy end of the whole matter is; I’m not where I want to be, at this stage of my life.  It’s my own insecurities that I’m scared of, or sad about.  It’s something that I have to deal with and feel myself, and work on changing every day – and I do.  But to feel that in a room full of people who I haven’t seen since I was 16….

While I think it’s natural to compare yourself and where Hollywood movies make us believe that school reunions are all about sizing each other up, it’s not so much about that for me.  In the digital age, where so many of us are Facebook friends with half of our grade and anyone connected to the internet are unofficial private investigators (aka stalkers), it’s easy to know where everyone’s at, on a surface level, anyway.

For me, it’s about facing up and being starkly reminded of what I’m still working on.  And to add an extra layer, just for fun, I’m someone who is currently uncomfortably obese, who wasn’t obese in Year 12, and as a result, have near crippling social anxiety.

Every time I share in my Coco Girl social media that I’m embarrassed about my weight, I get people commenting that I shouldn’t be, that I should embrace my size, and that they can’t stand the fact that I “hate my body”.  One of my next posts is going to be about this very subject, so I won’t get started now on how much this riles me up… but I just need to mention briefly here, that I do not hate my body.  I feel uncomfortable in it, at this size.  There is a vast difference.

Anyway, moving on…

I’m friends with quite a few people from school, and out of them mainly catch up with a core group – there’s 4 of us (plus (their) add-ons – hubbies, boyfriends, kids, dogs)).  We spoke at length about the impending reunion, and agreed to go if we all go.

And ultimately, we have all decided to go.

Even me.

You’re probably reading so far, thinking, “if it makes you so freaked out, why put yourself out there?  Why go?  You don’t have to!”

You’re right – I don’t.  I’m lucky enough to have the freedom to choose, and as an independent woman, I can make the decision not to go.  Besides, we have to pay $30 for this pleasure!

If I thought it was going to do any damage, then I wouldn't be going.  But as much as I have horrendous social anxiety, and as much as I feel grossly uncomfortable; I somehow have enormous inner strength and foresight, and rarely let it stop me from doing significant things that I might regret later in life.

I don’t want to look back in 20 years’ time, and regret not going because my confidence was at an all-time low, at that point in my life.  I want to experience everything I can, even though sometimes those things might be temporarily painful.  I think the rewards (eventually, at least), will outweigh the anxiety that I’ll be feeling tomorrow night – (and have done for 6 months).  If the only thing holding me back is fear, then that's when I need to step up and be brave.

When the event was 6 months away, and my friends and I were deliberating on whether we were going, I felt some hope that I could at least lose a significant amount of weight, just to a point I felt comfortable and confident.  About a month ago, it hit me that, well, the reunion was a month away.  And I realised that:

  1. It was going to be fairly difficult to get married when I don’t have a boyfriend,
  2. There wasn’t enough time to get and be pregnant for long enough to be able to both know and safely announce it within 4 weeks,
  3. My bank balance was not at a house deposit stage,
  4. It was impossible to lose 50kg without some serious limb chopping,
  5. And I was still no closer to working out that you could raise the viscosity of your resin to develop Post-It glue.
I've definitely been affected by what I call "Bridesmaid Syndrome" this year (I explain what that is in this post).  I updated my monthly weigh in picture today and it visually confirmed that!  Check this out:

Uhh, yeah.

While my other school friends said that they’re not interested, and prefer to look forward rather than back, the group of 4 of us agreed to go, RSVP’d, and paid.

It was around this time that reality set in.  One day I mentioned to my GP that I had my reunion coming up, and for some reason I found myself tearing/welling up, every time I thought about it after that.  We were talking about something else, but my reunion kept popping into my mind, and my eyes would instantly glisten, while I blinked back tears….!

It was in this moment that I realised, that the reason I was so anxious about going, was because I was going to be turning up somewhere, one night soon, and saying "this is me".  And almost instantaneously, I knew that I wasn't so much scared about being vulnerable in front of my school mates, I was scared because I realised that this would be the night that I would be facing... myself.  And being forced into accepting where I am, and facing who I am.  I always wear my heart on my sleeve - I don't know how else to operate.  So it's not like I go around pretending I'm someone that I'm not.  (Except when I'm onstage!)

But as much as I'm great at wearing my heart on my sleeve and baring all; I'm also great at getting overwhelmed, and figuratively covering my ears and eyes, singing "lalalalalalalalala, can't hear you!"

So this was my moment of truth, in the doctors office, realising what it was in particular that I was scared about.  I'm still totally terrified about the whole thing but this will probably be really good for me: facing up to... myself.

I have my support group, my girls, so I'll have them to hold my hands.  And we're meeting at my place to go together - I think they knew that I'm the one having a third-life-crisis about this so they chose my place :)  One of us is pregnant so she's our driver, so I can do my annual night of drinking, to bolster up the courage that I'm going to need.  (I rarely drink - I maybe have a decent drinking night maybe once a year).  Tomorrow will be 2017's night, lol!

One thing that has helped calm me slightly about it this week and give me a different perspective, is speaking to a couple of older friends.  I was chatting to a work colleague last week.  She's about 10-15 years older than me, and it dropped into conversation that I have "The Event" to go to.  She told me about her recent reunion, and how much she loved it.  And she said a few things that stuck in my mind.

She said to "get guzzied up and get your hair done and you'll have a ball".  I didn't say it out loud but I wanted to say "lovely, no amount of 'guzzying up' is going to hide my obesity, or give me the confidence I crave."

Snapchat this week: why are everyone staring?
But the mention of hair... I realised that that was a key thing I could do to help me with my confidence.  I texted my hairdresser because it's been 8 months since my last trim (whoops!  I'm a very low maintenance female when it comes to hair) and asked if she had availability tomorrow, for a trim AND straighten, and she does!  Straightening my hair gives me so much more confidence, and having a professional doing it will make that confidence even higher.  So the extra $10 to straighten will (of course) be worth every cent!

I don't know exactly what I'm going to wear, but it will be whatever I feel the most comfortable in, and yes, it will be black.  Wearing a new grey and black stripey coloured top this week had everyone staring, so it's back to the more slimming black until I lose a bit of weight. :(

When my girls asked what we wear wearing, I sent them these 3 pictures, so keep in mind that my black uniform is a positive decision. ;)


We did joke about wearing fake bellies to match our friend!  For about the same amount of time I thought about hiring an escort haha.

With the pregnant belly, I know what I would look like, too.  Well, not at this weight.  This is me playing a pregnant woman in a play - when I was much smaller.  I've been looking through the photos tonight, and they've been making me smile - I adored that play and loved how confident I felt at that size.

Me on the right, playing a pregnant woman in 2008


In labour onstage
Another thing my older work colleague told me, was about how when she turned up to her reunion, she heard of 7 of her classmates that had passed away since school.  She said it was such a shock for her to hear, and it made her realise she was fortunate to still be around to even attend.  And in turn, it of course made me instantly realise that I too, am lucky to be here and be able to attend.  

I know of a few school mates who have tragically passed away already, so young.  One school mate I met when I was 4, had even RSVP'd to tomorrow's event.  I saw her comments on some earlier posts, discussing the plans, and extremely sadly she's since passed away.  I'll raise a glass to her tomorrow night.

And then my work colleague wisely reminded me that "everyone has their thing".  And I realised she's absolutely right.  Here I am, worrying about my "things".  But I'm not dumb enough to think that everyone has their shit together.  It just feels that way.  Glossy social media highlight reels don't show the anguish, sadness and struggles behind closed doors.  I know it's out there.  I'm not ignorant to that stuff, but man was it good to get a reminder.

Another thing that helped was when my friend announced that there were 43 people going.  I reasoned that 4 of those people were us, 1 was Kas, and another maybe 15 I'm Facebook friends with.  So that left only about 23 people that I have to face, even less if some bring partners!  My face changed when she then said it was 47, and I think the last count was 51 or something.  Noooo!  Lol.  But glass half full, I'm not thinking about the 50 people that I will be seeing, but the 300 that I won't be!  (There were
Another one of my plays, we did the 'Romy and Michele dance' :)
about 350 in our grade).

Hopefully I'm not sounding like I have awful classmates or anything!  Quite the opposite.  It's just my nerves.  And the thing is, our last reunion was SO much fun.  I was nervous, but I had a ball.  So I'm sure tomorrow night can be the same.  We're also that little bit older and wiser at this one.

I am definitely thinking more positively about it than I have for the past 6 months, that's for sure.  That's not to mention I won't need my girlfriends and alcohol and to keep my head held high tomorrow night.  But I'm not in a total freak out mode.  Maybe not so coincedantally, my self esteem has been at an all time low lately.  It's also been a big week and I've been upset, extremely stressed and anxious about other things, so hopefully I can contain my emotions and just have a fun night out.  The last thing I need is to be the drunk crying girl from Year 12 days haha!

As I type this from the comfort of my bed, in my pyjamas, in my safe space, a whole day
before, it's easy to sound all cool about it.  I'm sure there'll be anxiety tomorrow.  But I'll be putting myself out there, and being brave.  This might sound dramatic, but tomorrow will be one of the bravest things I've ever done.

What's more brave than accepting and being yourself?

My personal list is just that, and it will be done in my personal time.  (See my quote I put up on Instagram this week, to the left?)  We all have one.  Or sixty-two.

Also, not that comparisons are at all useful and I've established that it's not about sizing each other up, but if I'm being cheeky, I have to share that I'm a year younger than everyone in our grade.  It sucked when they were all turning 17 (license) and 18 (clubbing), but as we get older it now always works in my favour, and I remind them of that all the time haha.  So my point being, if I am getting technical, really, I have another year to catch up.) ;)

Anyway, I've got my girls, I'll have some drinks, and I've got myself.  Take it or leave it Kate, this is me.

And, while I may not have invented Post-It notes, if all else fails, I definitely own a mobile phone, if anyone needs to make a call. :)

Wish me luck!

P.S. I loved this play and the photos made me smile so much tonight that it was hard to choose, so here's a few more, predominately for my own viewing pleasure ;)