Wednesday, 22 February 2017

Bingeing, breathing and bouncing back

Hi hi!

It's Weigh in Wednesday today, and I'm down 1.8kg :)  So 7.8kg down in two weeks - woo!

I had a couple of nights of binges this week - both Sunday and Monday nights - so I'm happy I was able to still pull that off.  It's not luck, I think it's just biological, and part of it is that my body is still in shock as it's only Week 2.  Meaning yes, I ate crap for two nights plus my usual Saturday, but overall, because I've stuck to my planned meals the rest of the week, it's still better than I was eating a couple of weeks ago.  Whatever the reason, I'm very pleased with it!

Speaking of the binges, I Snapped about it all last night so I won't retell the story here.  But if you're interested in how I dealt with it and moved on, I'll be putting my Snap stories on my YouTube channel ...soon...when I get the chance.  I mentioned ages ago that I was going to do this, and I'm still going to - I've been saving all of my stories on my iPhone!  But I didn't realise that the way I was splicing and uploading them was really poor quality, so I want to redo the ones I already put up, and then of course I have to do all of the weeks since.

But... that'll take a while so I keep putting it off.πŸ˜‰  But watch this space!

Anyway back to the binge - the really cool thing is, I bounced back from it so quickly -
Immediate post binge Snap
Sunday night: binge, Monday night: binge -------- Tuesday and Wednesday (today): no binge.  I don't think I've bounced back that quickly before.  I usually allow it to linger for an average of 7 weeks.πŸ˜‰  It'll happen again, but if the bouncing back time is reducing, then I'm definitely moving in the right direction.

I had another little win tonight, I went out for a quick sushi train dinner with a friend.  It's my favourite sushi place and I've been quite addicted to going there over the last few months.  I've been going there for years, but I realised that the amount of times I've dropped in to get takeaway recently was getting a little epic when I went in and they recognised me and knew that I wanted takeaway.  So embarrassing....!  I've had that happen at so many food places over the years.  Once it was a sandwich shop, and the owner would start making my favourite sandwich when he saw me walking down the street - I went there that often.

Anyway, tonight I managed to hide behind my sunglasses and they didn't recognise me haha - which was helpful, seeing as we were dining in.

My usual 'sushi train plate' quota when I'm dining in is 5 plates.  I always order the
3 plates
same thing.  But tonight, I ate just 3!  It wasn't planned and I didn't overthink it, but I just tried 3, felt ok, and naturally chose not to have any more.  Such a tiny thing, but a step in the right direction.

Also as I type this, it's almost 10pm and it just occurred to me that I was supposed to prep my green smoothies for the next few days, tonight, as I had my last one this morning (the ingredients are prepped in the freezer - I just blend them up 3 or 4 days at a time to keep them fresh.

My first thought was "I don't waaaaaaaaant to."  It's not that late, but it wasn't on my list of things I planned to do tonight (well it was, I just forgot).

Post binge Snap
But in the next breath (thought), I told myself off and told myself to go and do it - it won't take long, and then I'll have everything ready to go for the second half of the week.

Food prepping is my saviour - I knew it was for weight loss, but I'm realising it's also just so helpful for convenience, meaning I don't have to think - it's just there.  I had a really overwhelmed day today - a mixture of things, but including some more bad news (seriously - can February be over already?  If you follow my Snaps you'll know some of it).

Anyway, apart from my food being prepped helping me, I'm trying out a new relaxation thing tonight to keep me centered and keep things in perspective, and it's working.  I'm drafting another blog post about relaxation etc. so I'll save the detail for then, but I just wanted to share that I've found some good tools recently.  And of course, breathing. :)

Slowly but surely, baby steps, one day at a time, all of those things...just gotta keep going, the best that I can.πŸ™‚

Sunday, 19 February 2017

Sunday night check in

11 days later and I'm still going strong 😊

When I say 'strong', I haven't given up, I haven't binged and I've mostly stuck to plan.

And, following on from my previous post, I could really have named this post "How to lose 6kg in 1 week"...because I did! 

Obviously it was my body's result of utter shock of me not eating absolute crap 100% of the time!  First week weigh-ins are always awesome, but I think this one is my biggest weight loss in one week, ever.  I think I lost 6.3kg one week a couple of years ago - maybe - but otherwise this has been my biggest.  And it was exactly 6.0kg😊

It hasn't been a perfect 11 days, but when is a weight loss journey perfect?

I shared my daily ups and downs on Snapchat and Instagram stories, but basically to summarise for my blog, I just had chocolate on two nights and enjoyed my calorie free days on each Saturday I've had.  Other than that I've pretty much stuck to my cals.

I haven't done any exercise yet, for a few reasons I'll chat about in a later post, but that will come. One step at a time.

I did a 4 hour food prep last Monday night where I made enough breakfasts, lunches and dinners to last me for approximately 2 weeks.  Each night I've packed my lunch

Last weeks food prep

Last weeks food prep

Last weeks food prep
bag for the next day and doing this has, as always, been a saviour.  It'd be so easy to slip up without doing this.

My lunches
My calorie free days are awesome in the sense they help me not to feel deprived - I can have what I want - just on Saturdays.  And boy, have I gone to town.  They've been hard to come off on each Sunday, as I want to continue them, but so far I've jumped back each week.

The amount of crap I've eaten on both Saturdays won't do me any favours further down the track, once the weight loss slows down or plateaus.  I'm sure I'll have to scale it back at some stage, but for now it's helping me - and I need all the help I can get.

Being down 6kg so quickly (by the scales anyway - I'm sure a couple of the kg's were just water weight) is definitely encouragement to keep it up.  I'll check in after Wednesday's weigh in and let you know how I go.  In the meantime I'll keep chatting about the daily hits and misses on my other social media.

For now, I just wanted to let you know how I'm going, on Attempt #189354.

Love Kate xxoo


Thursday, 9 February 2017

How to put on 10kg in 4 weeks

Despite the instructional sounding title of this blog post, it's probably going to be very short.  ("A short blog post" Kate said....)

But...!  I am serious.  Because the answer to how to put on 10kg in 4 weeks is very simple:

You binge eat a lot of crap, day in day out, and don't move your body.

There you go folks!

The end.

But it's not the end - because, as I'm slightly known as the girl who will never give up, that's still the current situation, and always will be.  My little foray AKA Attempt #341189 that I started at the end of October was going well.  If you follow me on Instagram, Facebook and all the rest, you would have seen my little Post-It notes going strong.  Every Wednesday I posted how I was tracking:

That was up to early January.  Up until then I'd managed to hold onto that 10kg-ish lost for a few weeks.  I was hovering... I wasn't losing, but I was maintaining - which was progress for me.

But early January I just went nutso.  January 1st is supposed to be the day we're all 'perfect' from, isn't it??πŸ˜‰

Aside from the fact that there's no such thing as perfection, I also had a family emergency on New Years Eve that threw me way more than I was expecting - it took me about a week to recover - and it wasn't even about me.  On either side of that, in mid December and twice in mid January, I had three horrible experiences that sent me spinning.  Really, it's not much to expand on - it's just stuff that each and every one of us face every day - that thing called 'life'.  But with so many hard moments smooshed so closely, as well as the heightened emotions of Christmas and my January birthday, I really struggled to keep up even a 'Kate smile' for most of January.

Anyway - that kind of explains the month, but back to the 11th Jan....that day I just couldn't face the scales.  I'm not someone who lets the scales affect me emotionally.  I use them as a tracking tool because I'm obsessed with numbers, planning and goals - but 99% of the time, they don't dictate how I feel.

But that 1% occasionally pops up, and that's how I felt this day.  I decided that they would do my mindset actual detriment rather than simply recording digits, so there was no point in checking them.  (I still took a photo of the scales without looking, so that I could still keep my tracking up to date, because I'm slightly OCD like that.)

So instead, I posted this:

Cute - if it was a once off.

But, the next 2 Wednesday's...there were no Post-It notes on my social media.  I didn't explain their absence, and for any faithful followers, I of course didn't need to - their pure omission explained it all.

I still weighed and recorded (and checked my weight from that emo day), but while I wasn't sharing my weigh ins, I was essentially sitting back and watching my body inflate as I shoved food down my throat with well rehearsed vigour.

I just checked my previous post and yeah - basically I've continued that type of meal
Regular dinner shot on my Camera Roll cross buns lathered with margarine for breakfast.  Fish and chips for lunch (no salad + extra chips).  Takeaway dinner every night: Dominos, KFC, sushi, the local RSL or the Thai restaurant across the road...  Some nights I wouldn't have takeaway though!  On those nights I'd have 2 more dripping-with-butter hot cross buns, followed by 3 ice blocks.  So it wasn't all bad. #yesimbeingsarcastic

In between those staple 'meals'πŸ˜‘, I'd litter my diet with half a tub of ice cream in one sitting - more ice blocks - (I'd even suck one down before my hot cross bun breakfasts some days) - chocolate bars - packets of chips - jam drop biscuits - those Malteser bunnies - frozen Cokes and soft serve cones... and did you know that Easter eggs are currently available to buy?  I do...

This food intake is my norm, when I'm not focusing on my diet (and by 'diet' I mean 'dietary intake', not 'diet to lose weight').  It has been since I was 16 years old.  I've made it no secret that I've struggled with eating disorders and I believe I always will.  (That's not me being pessimistic, it's me coming to peace with it, releasing the pressure of years of agony and realising that I can instead learn to manage it.  But that's a whole other blog post (that I've already written!)) 😊

So yep - I'm definitely no stranger to this kind of eating.  (I just happen to be being a little more explicit in my public descriptions lately...eeek!)

And it becomes quite hard to hide - well it does if you don't want to be embarrassed.  There was one day last week where I just failed with the hiding from morning till night.

I have many 'hiding food in public' techniques - I should write a blog post about that one day...  But anyway - my 'hot cross buns lathered in margarine technique' is to cut them in half, and place them into a non see-through Tupperware container that will become your plate as well.  Put them in the microwave, hopefully before the kitchen gets busy, and get your margarine ready and as hidden as possible.

Once the kitchen is clear and the buns are warm, hunch over the Tupperware container, pouring margarine onto one half at a time, using the lid as a plate.  Quickly shove the margarine dripping half back into the container, and get out the next half, and repeat.

Secure the lid back on so that the smell of yummy warm hot cross buns doesn't waft too far and make more heads turn than absolutely necessary.

I won't go on, but you get the idea.

The other day though, I miscalculated the busyness of the kitchen or wasn't using my peripheral vision to it's full capacity, and mid 'hiding hot cross buns', a girl came in to put something in the fridge.  This girl, of course, is a gym junkie and works her backside off every day.  

Just as she opened the fridge, I accidentally dropped literal margarine 'globules' onto the kitchen bench, instead of onto my hot cross bun that I was attempting to hide.

'Globules' is the only way I can describe it - it wasn't like I dropped the knife and smeared a bit of marg on the table top.  No - this was margarine that I could pick up.

I was going to describe the whole day, but you get the picture when it started with picking up margarine globules as a fitness lover put her protein shake into the fridge right beside me...
I got given a birthday present in this bagπŸ’

Anyway somehow over the last week and a half I managed to pull myself together and organise to get my shit together!  Starting today.

I said to a fellow weight loss friend just tonight, that I'm sure people read my blog or social media posts, shake their heads and think "here she goes again" - as I'm forever falling and standing back up.

But how else do babies learn to walk...smokers manage to quit...job seekers get employed...any of us master anything...they/we get back up again, no matter how many falls, fails or knock backs.  Otherwise we'd never achieve anything.
I weighed myself today and I've literally put on every single gram of that weight that I had been losing since the end of October.  Plus 400grams.

That means I have literally put on 10.5kg in the last 4 weeks.  Steller effort there, Kate.

So that's how it's done.

But we always have the chance to get back on the right path... So, back to this morning.

I screwed up before I'd even gotten out of bed today - I had a bit of reflux before my alarm went off for my grand return to boot camp... it was only reflux, but it was enough that I grabbed my sick bowl from under my bed because I thought I was going to throw up.

When the alarm went off, I stood up, snoozed it for an hour, and blonde-ly lay back down and tried to decide whether I should still go.  I promptly fell back asleep, and woke up an hour later, at 6am, as boot camp was kicking off, a 25min drive away...

My food prep last night
As much as I was really down on myself for that (because I realised that the reflux was most likely an overdose of sugar, from me gorging on my endless last supper last night before starting afresh today - #stupid), I don't have any exercise expectations for the first couple of weeks.

I intend to go to boot camp next week, and I've tricked myself into going to parkrun this weekend - but other than that, anything extra is a bonus.  My injuries etc. are so rife that I'm just not able to do much anyway.  But - start small....

What I can control, though, is my food - which was on point today.

It's Day 1 (for the 600th time), but I got through it and did myself proud.  Day 1 sux, but we all have to take that first step, say no to that cigarette for the first time, and apply for that first job, in order to eventually succeed, in whatever we're trying to do. :)

On a completely different note, just because it's 8th February as I type this; this is me exactly 3 years ago today:

8 February 2014

I'm going to try to use myself as inspiration. xx

Wednesday, 11 January 2017

Confessions of a box of Lindt balls

It's the eve before weigh in, and all through the house...

<Kate won't finish that rhyme because she has a severe phobia of animals>

But it is the eve before weigh in and I don't know that the scales will be very forgiving
tomorrow morning.

I'm forgiving, and that's all that counts!  So please don't read this as a 'dictated by the numbers' post or that I'm worried.

This is simply a 'I share my journey with you' and 'this is part of it' type post.  I always try to be as real and raw as I can.  Sometimes I definitely overshare😲 and while I usually share the majority of weight loss related ups and downs; if I blogged, instagrammed, facebooked, tweeted, snapped, tumblred (?) or youtubed every tiny win or every extra square of chocolate I eat, you'd literally never get to the end of my already-too-long posts.

But here's a little insight into this past week's food.  There's a reason there hasn't been too many hip vege salad or well angled chicken and sweet potato photos on my Instagram!

So this week has been not as "on track" as I stated that it would be, after weigh in last Wednesday:

After this weigh in, (which I was really happy with as I was expecting a large gain), I said how I was keen to see what I could achieve after a whole week of eating well, after 2-3 weeks of Christmas season frivolities.

Well, I will have that experience at next weeks weigh in, because this week has not been as straight as I envisaged.  

Wednesday was fine.  

Thursday was a real life version of this type of meme:

I shared a lot on my Snap/IG story, but basically it began with this...eating a large "share"...

...jar of chocolate covered sultanas with a spoon:

One chocolate covered sultana led to another; and this ended up being a real Snap cartoon version of my after dinner "snack":

 I posted this on Snap/IG story straight after:

Because it was true.  IF I kept pedaling.

However, Friday was almost worse.  

I proudly shared how I packed watermelon and my green smoothie for a morning at the movies with my Mum.  No popcorn in sight.  I was back on this!

But by night time, stuff happened, and simultaneously while texting friends and sobbing at my dining table (it's been a really hard week), I had opened a box of Lindt balls that I had bought...myself.  As in, bought for myself.  (Who does that??)  It wasn't like 'buying yourself flowers because you deserve them'...

This was because I'd eaten one too many Lindt balls over multiple Christmas parties, and decided that I wanted some all to myself.  And when I was in Woolworths in a mission to satisfy this new love; I noticed that a box was cheaper per 100g than a block.

So I bought a box.

I wasn't going to eat them all (not in one sitting, anyway).

But next minute:

I took a photo because I was so shocked.  (And besides, I take photos of everything).

A whole box.

Apart from a couple of ice blocks, I didn't go too nuts other than "the box".

Saturday is my calorie free day, so while I was allowed to go to town with food, I didn't go as crazy as I could have.  This was more situational though, rather than me being strong.  I flew to Sydney for the day to celebrate my Grandad's 90th (!) birthdayπŸ’—.  It was a very long day and while there were cakes (plural) and chips and cheeses and all of that, I wasn't in my own home where I could have easily smashed down a weeks worth of food.  It was busy catching up with my beloved rellies I rarely get to see.

I still managed to eat my fair share of food though!  I had some pavlova...okay, two serves.  And a bit of this cake:

I tried my best with some things that day, such as breakfast, and ate this protein bar in the car on the way from the airport to the party, because I had it handy in my handbag:

But then on the way home, after landing back in Brisbane, my parents offered to go through a fast food drive-through for me before dropping me home.

I hadn't planned dinner, it was after 8pm, I was feeling lazy, I wasn't feeling great, and being Calorie Free Saturday, it wasn't hard to accept the offer.  I ordered this, and devoured it when I got home:

On Sunday I ducked into Woolies to buy ham.  And I left with ham.  And hot cross buns.  Yes, I'm a sucker for them, well and truly.  

My little emotional streak continued rifely on Sunday, so guess what I ate for afternoon tea?  And again on Monday?


I was back to work today after 2 weeks off.  While I brought my new lunch bag (in love!)... was only filled with a decent breakfast and snacks.  My lunch planning was a fail thanks to a furry avocado and later a green mouldy bread discovery.

I could have chosen something reasonable at lunch.  But..if you follow me on my Snap/IG stories, you'll know how much I was craving this particular salmon and chips meal before Christmas.  And guess what the fish of the day was today??

Despite the scales tomorrow and the rest of my week, this meal was worth every bite, after craving it so much a few weeks ago.

So there you have it!  My not-so-great food diary for the week!

The rest of the week I ate well, so I don't think it's going to throw me as much as it could tomorrow.  But last week I gained less than I expected, so it may all come out to play this week.  We'll see - we can guess, but never predict.  I'll be happy to maintain or put on as little as last week...

I'll share how I go of course as I do each week, but yeah, I don't know that it's going to be that self-commendable.

Here's to a (much) less emotionally taxing week ahead, and one where I can bring a little more strength and self control into my food intake.

Friday, 30 December 2016

Christmas Day outfit sadness

I know that I promised that my next post would be about the "thing" that I wanted to share, but it's been a month and it's taking me a while to write.  So as much as I never use the word 'promise' lightly, I'm going to bend the meaning this time, and write about my 'Christmas Day outfit sadness' first, while it's fresh in my mind.

I started snapping about it (which you'll be able to watch when I get up to date with my YouTube vlog / Snapchat stories uploading), but instead of having a heart to heart over 50x 10 videos to finish off the story, I thought it'd be kinder to write it out.

I have an underlying guilt for feeling the way I do; because I know that I'm blessed to a) have the freedom to celebrate Christmas b) have people to celebrate with c) have clothes to celebrate in.  So please know that I'm so aware of this, and genuinely feel so unbelievably blessed.

Also; the irony is certainly not lost in me doing a few snaps saying "I'm sad about what I'm wearing" followed by snaps of a lot of food and a very full plate of a Christmas feast:

My contribution

"Skim between the flags": my mum indicating which part of the seafood dip didn't have prawns for non seafood loving family 😁

But, disclaimers to one side; despite anything, I'm still human, and what I feel is real.

Also, there's no major crazy event, climax and resolution, or story to tell here.  It's just telling you about how I was feeling that day.  So don't get too disappointed by the uneventfulness of my ramblings.

As I mention all the time, all I wear these days (at this weight) are what I long ago dubbed "my black uniform".  It consists, of, as you can guess, all black.  Black bra, black "safety singlet", black top, black cardie, black pants, black socks, black shoes, and 70% of the time, black underwear.  Whether it's boot camp, work, casual or formal socialising, it's my black uniform.

I'm sure many people reading this won't need this explained, but for those who do, it's not because I'm in mourning, a goth, or like to be dull.

It's because black covers, hides, flattens, conceals and blends in rolls, bumps, lumps more than it's lighter clothing counterparts.  It stands out less when among people: something I try to do.  It's the colour of all of my bigger clothes in my wardrobe, and I do not like going out to buy new clothes when I'm not comfortable at this size and am actively trying to do something about it.  In my wardrobe I already have a girls dream stock of beautiful, colourful clothes that I adore -- just in smaller sizes.

I hate wearing all black, but for those reasons, at this weight, it's financially sound, and physically more comfortable.

[Note: 'more comfortable'; not 'comfortable'.]πŸ™

It's been a couple of years since I've been able to (comfortably) wear something bright or pretty on Christmas Day.  I can only vaguely remember how it feels to go searching in November or December for a "Christmas Day outfit".  Mainly because I've only ever been able to do it a couple of times.  As an adult, most years it's been more of a case of "what's going to cover me up and smooth my rolls", rather than finding that illustrious, bright dress that you can't wait to wear for the first time on the most special day of the year.

So, with this in mind, I hadn't pre-planned what I'd wear.  You don't have to pre-plan when you have a uniform...

Three days before my family's Christmas dinner, I ducked into the shops to look for part of my Mum's birthday present, which is also this week.  It ended up being one of those "oops, I accidentally bought myself a present first", shopping trips.  I wasn't even thinking of myself when I was shuffling through a clothes rack.  I don't ever think of myself in clothes shops these days.

But I came across a black top that I thought I could actually buy.  It was similar to my other 72 black tops but different enough that it'd make me feel like it was new.  It was a chiffony type material with what I describe as 'curly' short sleeves.  99% of my black shirts have seen better days, so I decided to go with it.

Walking through the shops with my first clothing purchase in so long I can't recall, I decided this could be my "Christmas outfit top", and after holidays, I could also wear it to work.  No-one would ever have been able to tell that this was a different top to my daily uniform, but I would, and I knew that I'd feel better than when I wear my other very worn 99% of black tops.

Over the next few days I also thought I might braid my hair or do something a little different with it.  Recently I was looking at my accessories: head bands, ribbons, bows, clips, as well as jewellery, and I had a thought flash through my mind: that I couldn't wait to lose weight until I could wear these again...

I picked myself up from the thought immediately: why did I have to wait until I'd lost weight to wear that stuff?  Hair is not fat.  Ear piercings don't alter (other than for cultural / religious reasons or unless you're into this):

There's no reason other than my own desire to blend into walls as to why I couldn't accessorise or use my throw a head band on now and again.

So I started getting a vague idea in my mind of some kind of "braidy type thing'' and a little more time spent on my makeup to accompany my new Christmas top.  And, although it wasn't a dream dress on a body weight I'm comfortable with, I had *some* glimmer of looking forward to feeling a little better about myself at my family Christmas dinner.

We celebrated on Boxing Day night this year so that everyone who's currently in town could manage to fit in their in-laws with the least amount of hectic driving stress.

I had my Boxing Day planned out time wise, with a good couple of hours to chill out and get dressed.  But without boring you with the details, things changed, and it ended up being 4pm when I finished prepping the food I was bringing and had loaded the car; ....and I was supposed to be at my parents house at 4pm. And I still had to have a shower and get dressed, hair and makeup.  

It wasn't important that I was there right on time, but still, it was Christmas "Day", and I didn't want to be too late.  And even with the quickest shower/dress/hair/makeup session and driving, I was already an hour behind schedule, now due to arrive around 5pm.

I realised I wouldn't be able to do some type of cute "braidy thing" or do anything different with my make-up, but at least I had the new top.  I tried to 'comfort' myself with a thought that I have way too often these days: "it doesn't even matter about my hair and makeup, it's not going to change how I look / I already feel gross, so why bother".

Which I know is sad and *should* be changed around, but I'm always raw with you guys, and it's my current reality.

Anyway, all hot and flush faced from rushing around, despite being fresh out of the shower, I put the top on.

And it didn't fit.

I hadn't tried it on at the shop, but size wise and holding it up, I really thought it would be ok.

It went on, and technically it "fit", but realistically, it didn't.  The 'drapey' intent of the material was more akin to a wet suit, and if I wasn't wearing a "safety singlet", it wouldn't have 100% covered my navel.

I was suddenly so sad about it.  Braids and a black top that look like every other black top you own aren't the well planned illustrious glam red dress that would be the ultimate dream.  But it was to be my substitute for this year and increase my self esteem just that *slight* bit on the inside.

I double checked I couldn't get away with it by turning to check my side-on reflection --- and yeah, I couldn't.

What I ended up wearing
I ended up throwing on a very drapey, chifoney top that does fit and cover me.  But I wear it every second day, and it has long sleeves, which meant I was a little warm.

I chucked my hair into a single, simple, primary school appropriate ponytail, and threw on my every day stock-standard makeup.  This was when I started snapping that I was feeling sad about it.  But as I was running so late, I said realised it was silly to be snapping (!) and said that I'd continue later...

It just made me crave having something nice to wear; something that makes me excited about leaving the house in; something I'll always know as "my Christmas Day 20xx dress".

I hate feeling uncomfortable, gross and overweight, and not being able to do that girly thing of dressing up for Christmas Day the way that I would like.

As I said at the start of this post, first and foremost, I know that I'm extremely blessed.  And it goes without saying that the meaning of Christmas is not about the clothes that you wear.

It is possible to understand how lucky you are and feel down on yourself at the same time.

I don't need sympathy; as I said on my snaps; I know that the reason that I can't wear something I love right now is my own doing.

But that doesn't mean that it doesn't make you sad on the inside.

Or more sure that next year will be different. xx