Monday 18 March 2024

Fluids, tick. 'Purée' in progress.

Typical lunch box this week
So I started to update on my stories how I was going with Day 1 and 2 of the purée stage, but I fell asleep half way through the sharing and haven’t had time to continue since. It’s now Day 6. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sooo, a quick summary instead:

Day 1
I shared that I had the yoghurt and 'squashed' strawberries for breakfast.
Cruskit, avocado dip & feta
I then had this: 1 Cruskit with avocado dip (as the avocados I bought were too unripe) and feta. And as I said it went down extremely easily and didn’t fill me up at all.
 
So I continued with a Salada (1 Salada that breaks into 4 squares), with avo dip on it.
 
I think I had some crackers and dip in the arvo.

Anyway, dinner was the thing that ‘concerned’ me the most. I had salmon and feta. (There’s many foods I’m not allowed to eat yet hence these non balanced meals btw).

 
This was on a side plate, not a dinner plate. I think the salmon was about 120g (I’d cut a larger piece in half and didn’t even think I should be able to manage all of this.
 
'The' salmon

But I did; and I didn’t even feel full afterwards. I felt satisfied enough though. My dietician said I probably wouldn’t feel restriction until the soft food stage; but I was really starting to worry. I know I was just Day 1 of purée, but surely I shouldn’t be able to eat a piece of salmon that big and not even feel full? 
 
Reminder: 
Day of APC: clear fluids 
2 weeks: fluids
2 weeks: purée
2 weeks: soft food 
After that, food of any texture.

Salmon patties dinner before

Completely coincidentally, the following morning (Day 2 of purée), I had a check in Telehealth appointment with my WLS surgeon. Ie. the surgeon who did my gastric bypass 18 months ago (I just realised, it’s 18 months tomorrow!!)
 
He referred me to my APC surgeon (they work closely together) but it was still very separate. I did my gastric bypass privately (using my Super), and the APC was done publicly. So he wasn’t really across me having had the APC when he rang.
 
He seemed to have some concern also about the salmon, so he asked to speak to me again in a fortnight.
 
Day 2 was pretty similar. I’ve been eating mostly crackers, dip, yoghurts, squashed strawberries, smoothies, salmon and cheese.
 
Salmon patties dinner after

I made salmon patties for dinner and had them with sour cream. They gave me a little bit of hope, in that I put two on my plate, and could only eat one.🤞🏼


Days 3-5
were pretty similar. There was possibly some small amount of restriction but overall not much. I had salmon a couple of those nights and was able to leave a little bit on my plate each time.

I am trying to trust the process, and although it doesn’t sound like it, these foods are ‘purée’ (consistency when swallowed) so I really shouldn’t judge the success of the procedure until I’m eating completely solid food.
The wedges

But that first night of salmon……. 😕

On Saturday night, Day 4, I went out to a very last minute dinner to celebrate my brother's birthday. It was at as pub and I ordered wedges. It seemed (even to me) strange that I was allowed to eat that. But other than chips, it was actually the only thing on the menu that I could have. They did have steamed vegetables but I thought they might be too tough. I sort of need to have very soft veggies that I can mush in my mouth. Purée stage is so weird. And the available choices don’t even seem overly healthy, either. Crackers and dip aren’t amazing choices. And at dinner others appeared a bit confused that I could eat the wedges. 😬


Dinner tonight before

Anyway, I shared the wedges with my niece; we didn't finish the bowl; not even close, but I managed many more than I thought I should be able to at the moment. 


Today was similar, however tonight (Day 6), has ended up being amazing. Literally a few hours ago I was lamenting to a friend about the restriction concern and wondering how long it might be that I have to wait to get another APC (it’s not unusual to need more than one). I even had a fleeting thought that I wish I had that ‘full’ feeling where you actually feel sick and uncomfortable when you eat. I had that a few times early on after the bypass. No one should wish to feel unwell, but I was just craving to have some hint of hope or proof that the APC has tightened me up. And feeling uncomfortable and/or sick is a big sign of that!

 
And then I ate dinner.
 
I ate salmon and roasted potato and sweet potato. (For reference of these photos, all of these meals have been eaten on small side plates). Tonight's piece of salmon was a lot smaller than that first night.
 
Anyway, I was so full about halfway (?) through the meal and then felt that discomfort feeling, in a HUGE way. I even thought I might bring it all up again and looked around for something to grab if I did get sick. (I didn't).
Dinner tonight after

Physically it didn’t feel good, but mentally it’s excited me! Maybe it has worked better than I thought?
 
We will see.🫠  Patience and hope, Kate, patience and hope...
 
So far I’ve lost 5.3kg since the APC; (2.5 weeks).


Monday 4 March 2024

80kg down WLS update!

I haven’t had time to upkeep my sharing lately but finally, here’s a summarised WLS update! (That was meant to be a 'brief' Instagram post update but my understanding of 'brief' is somewhat skewed and I thought it would be best fit into a blog post). So there you go; my first blog post in a little while, too. 😉

 

So I had the RNY Gastric Bypass in September 2022. I lost 70kg by May 2023. And it was about that time that my restriction (surgically restricted exit from my smaller stomach) relaxed…a lot. Meaning it wasn’t as physically tight as when the surgery was first done. Soon after having WLS, my surgeon warned me that this is normal and is likely to happen 6-12 months post surgery. The nerves at the exit point heal, and over time, relax, and therefore become flexible, allowing stretching,

-80kg

which allows more food to get through. He emphasised that when this happens it wouldn’t be my fault or his fault, it’s just how our bodies naturally adjust.

 

To be honest I didn’t realise or understand this properly, and when I finally did, it was a bit of a hard pill to swallow (still is). I thought (unless I got it reversed), that this was permanent! Yes, I knew you could overeat and stretch it that way, but for the nerves to naturally relax over time??

 

So from May-August 2023 my scale weight plateaued. I believe the ‘bypass’ component of the gastric bypass is what saved me from putting on weight, as I found myself naturally being able to eat more and more quantities. And because I could, I did.

 

In August I started on Ozempic. After a month I started feeling it working,  and I lost about 10kg from September-December. I've hovered around the same couple of kg’s since. I've been within 1kg of losing 80kg for a few months; I just hadn't quite reached it yet: Until this morning when I did my usual Monday weigh in and I've finally lost 80kg! (Which is pure coincidence that I hit it the same day as posting this update!)

 

The restriction however kept loosening and it’s gotten to the point I sometimes feel I have no restriction left. It depends on what food I’m eating, so I clearly have some restriction. But for the most part, the quantity I can consume is hard to accept, knowing how much I paid for this surgery and more importantly, why I want and need it to continue working!

 

Just to reiterate, this has been a natural relaxation of the nerves - not me overeating to stretch! #PleaseSaveAnyJudgementalComments

 

The bypass component of my surgery hasn’t changed - food exits my smaller stomach and

My surgeon's sketch

travels along the rerouted route of my intestines that my surgeon created. So food that I eat ‘bypasses’ a lot of my intestines; so that I have less opportunity to absorb as many calories as I would otherwise.

 

So the gastric bypass sort of has two components -

1) the smaller stomach and exit point to reduce what you can intake - and then

2) the bypassing / rerouting of where it goes once it exits the stomach). 

 

The intestinal rerouting is absolutely what has saved me from putting on any weight since I’ve been able to fit in more and my eating choices have become poorer. I’ve basically ‘hovered’ since the 70kg in May 2023, and then ‘hovered again’ since the 10kg from the Ozempic. (Until today 😅) Usually plateaus and maintained weight would be awesome! But not quite yet for me, who still has a LOT of weight to still get rid of.

 

Concurrently though, mid 2023 I started actioning something that could help. There’s something called an ‘APC’ - which stands for Argon Plasma Coagulation. I’ve included a screenshot of what it’s about, and if you’re interested in the correct medical terminology, definitely Google it.

 


But in MY OWN words as I understood from my doctors; basically they can go into your stomach via an endoscopy, and use argon gas to BURN the exit point from your stomach.
When you burn skin, it ‘shrivels’, and the scar tissue that is created from that is something that can give you more restriction back; to a similar point to when I first had the big surgery.

 

It’s basically reducing the relaxed / stretchy opening between the stomach and the small intestine, and ‘tightening’ it up.

In June 2023 I met with the surgeon who performs APC’s, and via an endoscopy, he measured my exit point, to see where we were at. He told me that when the initial surgery is done, the exit point is approx. 8-10mm in diameter. 

 

In June, mine was 12-13mm. You wouldn’t think that a few extra millimetres would make much difference, but, look at my dinner plate one night: it does.😳

 

He agreed I’d be a candidate for an APC, and put me on the books to have a consult with him to discuss. (Although referred from and partially managed through my initial WLS private surgeon, the APC process has been through the public system here in Queensland, Australia).

 

I had the appointment in November 2023, he was thorough in his explanation, I agreed and signed the consent form to have it done. I was marked as a ‘Category 2’, and they said it would be about a 3 month wait to get a spot. I was craving it get it done so much! My Ozempic wasn’t working as effectively (it still worked and I would still take it, but this seemed like a better way for me to go, (especially with the current shortage).

 


Anyway, a few days ago, I got it done! It went really well, but we won’t know for a few weeks yet whether it’s been successful. There’s no way of pre-telling how each body will react. While they aim to ‘tighten’ it back down to 8-10mm; some people restrict too much, to the point they can only intake fluids, and would therefore need a dilation.

 

Likewise some people might not have much of a change in restriction at all, and therefore would need a further APC (or multiple). My surgeon told me that APC’s can be done almost as often as you need, and that many people have them done ongoing, following WLS. I found it interesting when he said that he sees the way of the future of WLS patients maintaining their surgery being managed by a combination of APC's and Ozempic (or something similar).


I haven't had any side effects or issues (within the last few days anyway), other than a tiny bit of reflux on the day of the procedure.

 

The thing that sux the most (right now) is that following an APC you need to go back and do the same post-op diet that immediately follows the initial big WLS. Which is 6 weeks of slowly reintroducing food textures into your stomach, so that the exit point has a chance to heal properly. You have to be on clear fluids only while in hospital. And then the diet is predominantly:

 

  • 2 weeks of fluids only 
  • 2 weeks of puréed foods
  • 2 weeks of soft foods 

 

While I get it and accept it and know that I’ve managed it before; right now, a few days into the fluid only diet, it frigging SUX. Especially as I don’t feel any new possible restriction just yet. (That should 🤞 come when I start on soft foods).  I can have soups, smoothies and yoghurt, and those things are keeping me somewhat sane. But for the most part I’m hangry and grumpy and I hate it. 😭😭

Grateful for snow cones at the school picnic

 

Anyway, I’m hoping this will be a successful venture, and that it will kickstart me into the next phase of this huge journey. (Surely the stupid post-op diet should skim off a few kg’s in itself, seeing as I’m not eating anythingggg right now). 😩

 

So just a reminder that when you tune into any stories I manage to post over the next few weeks, that they’re coming from a place of hanger and headaches and that I’m not happy about it!! (I know that it’s worth it…just not right now while I drink a protein shake as I prepare, handle, smell and cook food for my kids).

Wednesday 22 February 2023

Is running like riding a bike?

So, I'm worried about how my knee will hold up on Sunday's event.  This week I've been daydreaming about being able to run the length.  (Yes, it's a fun 'run' but you are allowed to walk it.  So no, I'm not shooting into an event with no training, I know that I'll be able to walk).


But, still, I wondered... I haven't even attempted to run since I injured my knees.  Why would I?  But this week I started wondering... is it like riding a bike?  What if I just start running?  My body will just do it, surely?


How amazing would that be?  When I asked the doctors whether I could ever run again, they hesitated to say a straight out 'no', but I could tell that's what they were thinking.  They said they have seen stranger things (or words to that effect).


So, me being me, I decided then and there that I would in fact run again.  If it's possible then I will make it happen!


I guess despite having completely damaged knees, I've still, on the inside, never given up hope, and genuinely can still see myself as a runner.


Which is how I came to wondering this week if it is like riding a bike...


I tried today (two days before the event), and while it genuinely felt like riding a bike to 80% of my body and that I fitness wise could just keep going, my left knee said NO.


I'm really upset about it.


Attempting to run (just around the loungeroom) was a big reminder to the fact that yes, my knees are actually stuffed!  My right knee seemed fine, but my left just felt so weak and it hurt. *shaking my head*


The rest of my body was screaming YES!  We remember how to do this!  I 1000% felt like I could run - and keep running.  Except for that left knee.  I looked at some scans and you can clearly see that I have literally no padding between the bones on my left knee - well, less so than on my right.  It just felt like it wouldn't hold up, like there was zero support.


So maybe running can very well be like riding a bike!  .........unless you have a stuffed knee.😞


In a flurry I quickly jumped online and ordered a knee brace from Big W to pick up tomorrow.  Yes, not my most medically sound purchase I've ever made, but I don't have the time or the money to get a proper one before Sunday, and I reasoned it could only help.


I'll just walk it. Of course I won't go out and hurt myself but I just want to run it so much!!!


Anyway this event is not about me running 1km, or 1 metre for that matter.


It's about all the reasons I listed on my previous post.


I just digressed because the running aspect is on my mind today.


I want to run it so much!

Monday 20 February 2023

Entering my first fun run in 6 years!

Okay, I'm starting to write this on Friday 17th February, but I won't be publishing it until at least Sunday 19th.  I'll likely come back and do a few edits before I do publish it.

Why?

Because I've entered my 4 year olds and myself into a FUN RUN on Sunday and I haven't told anyone about it yet!

What the actual thing am I doing??

Until this week (YAY, go me!) I hadn't exercised in 7 years (see my current Instagram posts about this):



And I haven't done a fun run since...looking up now...26th January 2017: The Australia Day Running Festival, a 5km event.  [Side note: Oops...okay, that was more likely the last day I exercised, not a 2016 boot camp. Okay, so it's been 6 years since I exercised.  And, fun run wise the exact same.]

Literally just over 6 years.

REALLY, what am I doing??

So.

How did I get to this strange point?

So back when I was doing my run of Pinkie Tris and fun runs, like 10 years ago, I started getting inspired to one day take my nieces along to one of their events.  They have a few kids events on the day and it's heaps of fun.  Heaps of people dress up and there's glitter, tutus and the colour pink EVERYWHERE.

I was in awe of the parents and kids there and thought what a cool and amazing thing to do as a KID.  So good for them and so much FUN.  It was so inspiring to watch. I had two brand new nieces at the time and this ultimate aunty visualised myself taking them to one myself one day.

Fast forward a few years, add a 'few' too many kilos, a few too many injuries, a not so healthy bout of social anxiety, and I have been of course in no state to even consider participating in an event any time soon.  But the dream never left me.

In 2021 when the girls were 2, it occurred to me that umm, I now have two of my own daughters now!  Yes, I was very aware that I had become a parent.  But it just made me realise that hey - I could actually bring my OWN kids along to an event!

I was absolutely nowhere near close to being ready to enter one in 2021, but I started daydreaming and googled the events out of interest.

Yes, they still had kid events.  They had two kids triathlons, and 3 fun runs: 1km, 3km and 6km.

There were minimum age limits for the tris and fun runs (7 years old), but I couldn't see any age restriction for the 1km event...?

I emailed the event organisers and asked them whether there was a minimum age for the 1km.  They replied and said that no, there wasn't!  They did say if they were under 5 they would request an adult to run with them, which of course I would do regardless.  But it was cool to know that whenever (??) I was ready, that I had a green light to bring my own two little girls along!  

I didn't imagine I'd be ready for a couple of years anyway (let alone my 2 year olds!  lol!)

Anyway, fast forward to late 2022; I was daydreaming again.  I'd had the surgery fairly recently so was definitely going down in kg's, but I wasn't ready to enter a fun run yet of course!  I was still limping with each step that I took, and I hadn't even inadvertently walked longer than the length of the local shopping centre in years.  But my eyes were opening up to many possibilities and opportunities again.

I jumped online and looked up the dates of the events near me.  I'm lucky in Brisbane, in that we've got 3 events each year that we can easily get to: Brisbane, Gold Coast and Sunshine Coast.

I'd done them all many times.  It appeared now that the Sunshine Coast event was no more, but I still had Brisbane and the Gold Coast!

Of all the days for me to think to look it up, it happened to be the date of the 2022 Brisbane event - like, that very day.  It was happening as I was googling.

That meant that the next Brisbane event would be a year away.  As much as this is about my girls as well, my googling this day was more about me trying to find an event for me, one that I could set as a bit of a goal and work towards; physically and mentally.  And a 1km event (THAT COMES WITH A MEDAL!  You need a medal) - was the perfect starting point for me.

Possibly overconfidence speaking here, but I was hoping that I would be far beyond needing to stick to a 1km event in one years time.

So I looked up the date of the Gold Coast event.

I wasn't too keen on the GC - I do love the GC! - but it's about an hours drive, and taking along my young twins to a different city for my first foray into events since 2017...I don't know...I needed to make this huge goal as simple and achievable as possible for me.

I looked it up anyway and the next event date was set for the 19th February 2023.

Hmmm.

As much as the date was better than a whole year away, I didn't know if I could be ready by then!  (I was looking this up in October/November).  I'm still hugely morbidly obese and I need a double knee replacement. February was very soon...

But, me being how I am, I started considering it, for real...

I started a 'dummy entry' just to check the cost of entry for the 1km, but it wouldn't let me put my girls dates of birth in...?  I pretended they were 7 years of age instead, and this time it let me.

I emailed the event organisers with my previous email trail below, and enquired about it.  I asked whether the rules had changed and did they now have a minimum age for the 1km event too, or was it was just a technical error.

They didn't comment on what I was told a couple of years ago, but just said that they do have a minimum age of 7, but if I wanted to enter, then to let them know and they could request special permission from the race director.

Oh, Kate.  It may be 6 years since your last event, but it seems you haven't shaken the irony of somehow having officials or special circumstances going on with your events.  At least (at this stage anyway!) there were no police or loudspeakers involved... 😳. (If you're a new follower you can find previous blog posts about all of my interesting event experiences listed here).

I didn't want to have to ask for special permission or anything! 😅  I'm a just-go-with-the-rules person / rules follower. If the mininum age is 7 then I'll bring the girls in 3 years time! 🤷. No biggie.  The only reason I was enquiring about it is that they had told me themselves that there was no age limit.  (And their website actually says that there's no age limit lol). 😉

This being said, I did of course appreciate the offer of getting special permission.

I kept it at the back of my mind for all of like two days haha, and then emailed again and said that capital 'Y'; Yes, I have decided, I do want to enter.  

WHAT?  

I have no idea where this gusto and confidence came from, but I went with it...

They replied soon after and said that the race director had given the girls special permission to enter. 😆😂  Oh goodness...I've only ever wanted to blend in at events, and it's never managed to happen...and it seems that continues.  We hadn't even entered yet and already we have special permissions... 😜🙈

So, I entered us.

And that's how it came about!

I've tried not to think about it too much.  I am excited.  I'm looking forward to:
  • Sharing this experience with my girls
  • Watching them participate in their first event
  • To give them this experience
  • To perhaps kick off something that they'd like to continue (eg. running / fun runs / athletics)
  • Getting myself back into events
  • Getting medals.  Derr! 😆
  • Being proud of how bloody much mere grit and strength its taken for me to make this day happen (in several respects).
  • Achieving something I daydreamed about doing 10 years ago.  With my own children. 😭
  • Going to the beach afterwards!  The girls LOVE the beach.
And that's why I'm doing it, and why we'll be turning up.

But I am equal parts terrified.


My social anxiety is bloody intense man.  I struggle walking into Woolworths.  And here I am planning on attending a SPORTS STADIUM - in a different city, to participate in a running event alongside hundreds of fit people?  Like, who does that?

I got our race numbers emailed to me the other day and it blew my mind.  It's been 6 years since I've been given a race number.  And to also see my babies names on their own race numbers... oh gosh. 💓
And then I checked the address and realised the venue is called the Gold Coast Performance Centre... whaaaat? Hahaa

It's the same stadium I've attended the same event in many times before.  But it must have changed names over the years and now it sounds even more elite than it already did.

A few days ago I was reading one of my blog posts from my first Pinkie event in 2012 and I said this in that blog post and will say it again now: 'I don't tend to frequent sports stadiums.' 😅

And the reason I haven't shared what I'm doing in advance, and why I won't be publishing this post until after, is not because I'm unsure if I'll do it, or anything like that.

It's sort of sadly because I told someone a couple of months ago what I was planning, and they kind of laughed at / dissed me.  I was so embarrassed and ashamed and haven't wanted to tell anyone since!  It's a bit of a stubborn response on my behalf, but I was hurt and ashamed.

Yes, 1km is nothing. 

But to me, at this exact stage in my life, this is like me doing a half marathon.

If I can run 30km, I can walk 1km, right?

If I can dream it, I can turn up to the Gold Coast Performance Centre on Sunday and do my first event since 2017, right?

I'm not actually asking.

😊

It's been years since I had a race timetable 😌

😳

Wednesday 25 January 2023

"You don’t get to be *insert my start weight here* without fucked up eating patterns."

"You don’t get to be *insert my start weight here* without fucked up eating patterns.

This is a direct quote from something my dietician said to me on Monday. 😅
(Although she said my actual start weight).  (I'll be ok to share what it was one day, by the way.  No time soon though!)

It may sound brash or a strange thing to say in a dietician consultation, but it was actually quite the comfort to hear this.

Ever since I started this journey properly (as in, decided on a surgeon), I've been regularly seeing both a bariatric surgery dietician and a bariatric surgery psychologist.  Obviously both are accredited in their individual fields for general help in their areas, but they choose to specialise in assisting people who are or have undertaken weight loss surgery (WLS).  I believe my psychologist will only see WLS patients now!  (She doesn't see any clients who don't.  She still counsels in any area you need to talk about; it's not just WLS related talking, but her client base are WLS patients only).

When I first announced to my GP that I wanted to have WLS, the first thing she said was that I need to make sure that I find a surgeon who takes a holistic approach, and incorporates both dietetics and psychology within their team, as these aspects are crucial for long term success.  From my own research, most WLS surgeons do have teams that include these, but they vary surgeon to surgeon in terms of how much it's encouraged that you use them.  Some surgeons have them as part of their 'official team', ie a dietician and psychologist who work alongside them in their physical clinic, and some surgeons just have recommended people you can contact.

My original surgeon had a very strict plan in place as to how often you had to see his.  I remember going to visit for my very initial consultation, and I firstly spoke with his head nurse.  I was a 'WLS freshie', as in, I was bright eyed and eager and uneducated.

She showed me an A4 piece of paper, which had the process that their clinic followed, to do WLS.  The first step was to have the initial consultation with her.  TICK!

My eyes wandered down the page, as I took in all of the other things I had to tick off.

Rightttttttt down the bottom of the typewritten A4 page, was 'Surgery'.  It was at the very bottom of a long list of pre-work that they needed me to do first.

It was surprising, but comforting, that they were so detailed, and this proved to be the main catalyst for why I ended up choosing to go with them (originally, until I changed my mind!)

As part of their protocol, they required all of their patients to visit their:

Dietician:           2x before surgery / 1x after surgery
Psychologist:    1x before surgery / 2x after surgery

So, 3x total each.  You could always see them more as you saw fit, but those numbers were the clinic's minimum requirements.

Conversely, my actual surgeon (the one I ended up swapping to), had no such requirements.  You had to see one of his dieticians before surgery, because you had to be educated on your pre-op diet, but aside from that, I don't believe they had any mandatory visits that you had to tick off.

So my original surgeon required me to see the psychologist 3x in total.  My actual surgeon didn't require me to see the psychologist at all.

To date I've seen mine 13 times.😂

I've taken full advantage of the holistic view that my GP originally mentioned, and have made it a (self motivated) priority to see them both regularly.  (I've seen the dietician 8 times).

And I will continue to do so!  I feel so lucky, in that I adore both the psychologist and dietician, so it's easy to want to continue appointments.  The irony is not lost on me that I can say that about a dietician.  No offence to the worldwide cohort of dieticians and nutritionists out there, but up until now, I was not a fan of them.  To be fair I can't even recall having a terrible experience with one, to make me form this overarching opinion.  I must have talked to one at one stage though, because I've always been very anti them.  I was losing my mind when I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes (GD) in pregnancy and was forced to see a GD dietician.  I visited them (internally) kicking and screaming.  (Fortunately they decided I didn't need to continue to see them, and immediately released me from their books).

But the reason I hated the idea of them so much, (I'm sure they're all lovely people!) is that I didn't need to be told what to eat.  I may be fat, but I do know what to eat.  I just don't!  A dietician, in my mind, was never going to solve that issue for me.  I needed a weight loss psychologist.

Anyway, the dietician that I was paired up with from my original surgeon was just the best.  I was happy enough to see her initially because I knew that she had a specific task to do for me: to educate me on the pre-op diet, and to coach me through safely introducing foods again to my rerouted and surgically altered digestive system.  That was fine.  I was cool with that.  It was about physical restrictions.  No problem.  I needed an expert for that, yes.  That was okay.  What wouldn't have been cool was if she had lectured me on how to eat a balanced diet and discussing the food pyramid.🙅

She did all that (the coaching through restrictions), but she's also been almost like a weight loss psychologist herself.  She's very understanding, respectful and I guess also 'accomodating' of my history with food.  She's done more for me than just coach me on the physical food restrictions and reintroductions.  Obviously I discuss more psychology based stuff with my psychologist, and definitely see her more, but the dietician has been a surprising highlight to my 'health team'.

I asked her, sensitive and tentatively on Monday, whether she has other clients with binge eating disorders / behaviours, and she threw her head back almost laughing and exclaimed "yes!  Of course!  That's why there's such a thing as weight loss surgery!"

In retrospect it was a silly question.  But I was feeling quite low in confidence and was starting to feel like the only person who's ever had an issue with overeating.

I've been struggling a bit with old habits creeping in and its been getting to me.  You don't want to spend thousands of dollars and physically alter your body, for it not to work.  I mean, every weight loss venture, you want it to work!  But this time feels like there's a lot more (expensive) stake.

And of course, it's not that it's *not* working, it's just that its fucking scary when you realise how vulnerable you actually are.  

-I decided to have the surgery.
-I had the surgery.
-I dealt with all of the restrictions.
-Now I have an altered digestive system AND free reign of food, so now it's 1000% up to me.

And I've said this before, it's not like surgery fixes your brain.  You go to hospital one morning and a few hours later you've been cut at and rewired physically.  But that's it.  Decades of learned behaviours don't get fixed in that hour in theatre!  (I wish they did)...

Have you ever heard of people talking about how it's still possible to stuff up weight loss surgery because you can find ways around everything, for example, melting down a Mars Bar and drinking it through a straw?

It's an old adage that's been around for years.  Years and years before I even remotely contemplated having surgery myself.

To be honest it was probably a contributing factor as to *why* I never seriously considered doing surgery myself.

Not that I would ever melt down a Mars Bar and drink it.😅

But I guess I've starkly realised this month, that you don't have to melt down a Mars Bar to stuff up weight loss surgery.  (I mean, you can bloody EAT a regular Mars Bar like before, anyway!  Why would people even need to melt it??😜)

But there's so many other things you can do, and that's really scaring me.  

This whole journey has had it's 'hards'.  It was 'hard' to navigate the process of having WLS.  It was 'hard' doing pre-op.  It was 'hard' to recover from major surgery.  It was 'hard' having 3 months of restrictive eating.

But this part feels the hardest -  coming to the realisation that it's VERY easy to still 'overeat' (whatever that means for you).

I haven't fixed old behaviours.  I've been trying!  And I'm making progress!  But the issues are still there and will take longer than a day in surgery to resolve, or at least manage.

And that's why my dietician said what she said on Monday: "You don’t get to be *insert my start weight here* without fucked up eating patterns."

I was discussing the old behaviours that I've noticed creeping up.  (I feel like I officially 'binged' for the first time since surgery 2 weeks ago).😞

She looked at her computer, and she said "Kate, I don't think you're ever going to completely cure your binge eating behaviours."

That statement took the breath out of me.  I was instantly crushed.

I felt like she'd lost hope in me, and that she'd deemed me a failure.

That's not it whatsoever, but I've been feeling low and that's how I initially took it.

(Two days later, I remembered that I'd already realised this fact years ago!  More on that another day).

But on Monday this is what was the catalyst for her to comfort me by saying what she said, about how you don't get to my size without fucked up eating patterns.

It was so true and just so comforting to hear in that moment, because I was feeling pretty failure-ish!

A minute later she also said: (I scribbled these in the notes of my phone so I could remember them):😁

"You can’t expect to unfuck yourself in 3 months".

Again, true.  (Well, its actually been 4 months since my surgery, but I'm sure the same statement still stands for 4 months too).

And it'll be the same for 5, 6, and so on.

I guess I just have to remember that I accepted a few years ago that I will always have an issue with eating behaviours.  And as much as it was confronting to be told that this this week and remember that it's actually likely true, it's actually not as scary as it could sound.  It's probably a fact, and the sooner you can accept stuff, the more freedom you acquire.  And that in turn gives you more time to deal with things.  And manage them, which is all I need to do.

I've given myself this HUGE, helpful tool to catapult me forward, but it's always going to need management, and new strategies and habits, which are technically within my control.  Frightfully hard, and marred by my eating disorders, but literally still, within my control.

I'm making progress, I'm making improvements, I'm inching forward and I'm making better choices overall.  And maybe this is simply a good time to remind myself that life, and success, is never quite linear, and all I can do is to keep trying.
xx

P.S. Apparently you can get these: 

You don't even need a straw 😉