Wednesday, 12 June 2013

The C word

Ahhhhh hello :)

My name is Kate/Coco and I write this blog. You may however forget this...because lately it’s been so long in between blog posts!

Things are ramping up for me with theatre and I barely have any spare time at the moment…………………………………………….................. and while this is true, it's a bullshit excuse as to why I haven't been blogging very much.

The fact is I've been struggling with this whole weight thing. And you don't want to hear about that, right? Just the same as I don't want to write about it. I'm down enough about it, why also validate it in writing? And besides, ignorance is fake bliss. I tend to ignore, procrastinate and delay the inevitable. And as much as it's a lovely little rainbow world at the time, doing this gets me into a lot of stressful situations.

Soooooo I've had time to process it all myself, so it's time to come clean on here.

The crux of it is, I returned to old habits and gained weight.  This isn’t a new thing for me.  For 16 years I have done this, and even though the last year has been different, I have still had little slip ups.  I battled with trying to work out why I keep doing this and why this time it was going on for so long.

Was it a 40kg mark thing?  Half way thing?  1 year fitversary thing?  MY thing?  If I could just figure out what the thing was, I would be able to stop it, you see.  I needed to figure out the Why
I fit into this shirt I bought years ago this week
before I could Stop.  I used some tools to help me work this out: a lot of chocolate, chips, takeaway, ice cream, name it, I shovelled it.  It was Bingefest 2013+.  That quote that says 'Dance like nobody's watching'?  Well, I 'Ate like nobody was watching.'  It was quite disgusting.  And it went on for a while.  Hand in hand with my stopping training.

I started the training back up again but the food thing set back in.  For a whole 2 weeks of this round.  Two wasted weeks, two bingefest weeks.  Why Why Why Why do I do this to myself, ALL the time?

I worked so hard to get under 100kg and made the biggest song and dance about it, and then I made it.  And then I began this crap.  I got up to 107.9kg.  Have I completely wasted this year?  I was around that in January!  People keep asking me how much I’ve lost and my answer is always the same:

“Oh, around 40kg”.

“Around 40.”

“About 40kg.”

I wasn’t lying, I was just being ignorant to the up and down around 40kg that I was doing.  A little bit over, a little bit under, I stopped remembering the exact number on the scales.  “Around 40kg” was true and felt safe.  Coz it was around that.  (See, ignorance is bliss!)  …..She says as she inhales a Cadbury Marvellous Creations Jelly Crunchie Bits family block…...

There was one point on a struggling / teary boot camp morning last week where I actually asked myself whether it would just be easier to go back to where I used to be.  141kg and morbidly obese, and all the emotional and health things that came with it.  I seriously considered it.  I’ve never done that before.  The fact I actually asked myself this was a bit of a wake up call.  I seriously contemplated allowing myself to go back to crying in clothes shop changing rooms and hurting my feet from trying not to weight bare on friends’ rickety chairs?  Really?  Is shovelling a Hungry Jacks Tender Crisp meal
A special Gold Coat boot camp
(upsized, with a vanilla thick shake) into my face in my car really worth all of that?

Well I may not have learnt everything over the past year, but I have worked out one thing, and that is that I am finished with that morbidly obese crap, and this time is for real.  I know that much.  I may slip up still but each time makes me a little stronger and each time it gets a little bit less often.  I’ve never lost that.

So you know what I did?  I picked myself up and sorted
my shit out.

I did some soul searching.  I decided to stop worrying about why I keep doing this, and just get on with it.  That’s very unlike me but I was wasting too much time trying to figure out the answer that never came… I even used Google.  It turns out you can Google inspiration.  I found this quote from good ol’ Bill Cosby:

The quote that changed me

And I realised that it was true.  It was all about the ‘C’ word: commitment.  It reminded me that if I’m committed then I am unstoppable.  I’ve done it in the past, it’s still within me.  My blood DOES have that particular thing in it.  It’s just a matter of keeping your
Making an effort to make food look more appetising
soul firmly on the goal.
  Roadblocks, detours and slip ups are there but if you firmly believe and keep running, none of that will touch you.  You won’t even see those things.

I had a massive D&M with my beautiful trainer and I committed.  I started to feel really blessed that I have so much support around me.  I know I’m lucky with that.  A few people in particular really believe in me…I feel so overwhelmed that they do…it’s amazing how much it helps when you have someone that does.

I got busy planning and preparing.  I did a little Operation Organised with my nutrition. 
Operation Anal
Actually it was more like Operation OCD!  I went overboard.  I sat down and customised my menu for the following fortnight.  I worked out my shopping list and went grocery shopping.  I then spent hours in the kitchen preparing my food.  Not so much a big cook up, although there were extra meals made.  But moreso I got really anal and put my food for each day into piles in my fridge.  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday etc. 

Mondays pile had all of my Monday meals and snacks ready to be picked out in the morning.  Everything was portioned out and bagged up.  Right down to bagging 20g of spinach leaves & 3 tomato slices in a little freezer bag to add to a particular meal.  And taking an egg out of the carton to put with the pile.  Everything was set.  I took anal to a new
level.  It took a while but it’s been so helpful each morning to just grab and go.  I’m out of the house most days from 5am to 10pm so it’s been great just to have it all done and be ready to go each day.

I started to pay more attention to what I was eating.  I was getting bored and starting to look elsewhere for food so I started concentrating on making my meals look colourful and appetising.  I took a lot of photos and Instagrammed them (some of them are on this post).  I remembered how important it was to really love what you are eating.  I am enjoying my food.  You want to do everything possible to not feel deprived.

I kept pushing it at boot camp after my little hiatus.  It has been hard.  But I’m so happy to say that most of my fitness has already returned.  I did lose it – but it wasn’t too far away :)

Yes it would be easier to go back to where I used to be.  If easy means a sad life... My trainer taught me that you either do this or you don't do this.  It's that simple.

I didn’t make a big deal of announcing that I was recommitting because frankly there’s no point.  I've said it before, who would believe me?  And maybe I'll stuff up and fix myself again, and that's ok.  The thing is, the proof is in the actioning, not the promise.  And besides, I know that ‘thing’ is in my blood and that’s all I need to know.

So back to it, and 4.3kg down this week.  Moving on.  It’s not about what’s happened; it’s about what you do next.

And thanks to Google, Bill Cosby, my trainer and the ‘C’ word, what I do next will be pretty damn awesome, just watch this space.  No more “around 40.”


Monday, 3 June 2013

I can see the light!

(If I look really really closely).

Ok not really.

But I can see that I will soon!

Let me explain.

On Saturday I went to visit a friend in hospital. On my way out I had to go to the bathroom. After I washed my hands I saw something in the mirror........I'd just come from training so was wearing tights. As I stood there, I realised that if I stood with my legs slightly apart, there was a very special and welcoming curve of my inner thighs!

Do you know what I mean? I don't know what it's called because I've never ever had one.
You have to look really really closely! There IS a hole!
But I do know that on non-overweight girls, they have a gap between their legs, right at the very top. My thighs have personally always just squished together like unsmoothed pizza dough meets playdough. There aint no light shining through mine!

But, if I stood with my legs ever so slightly apart, there was a tiny gap of light! And my thighs did this curvy thing! Don't get me wrong, I don't have 'the light' yet, it's still total Squishy Dough Land at the moment, buuuuut for the first time I can see my thighs changing shape and I can see how 'the light gap' will work when I lose more weight. Woo! A bit exciting :) And weird. Yes, I know. But still exciting :)

Unfortunately Miss Clutz here, because I was so intent on marvelling at my almost there gap and trying to take a good selfie of it, I didn't realise that my non screwed tight water bottle had tipped over in my handbag and was dripping throughout my bag and onto the floor. A lady walked in a moment later, to find me staring at myself spreading my legs apart, then manically changing to throwing masses of paper towel onto the floor to dry the water up, making it look like I'd had an unfortunate accident. And in this process it wet inside my camera, which is now officially broken.  So my thigh selfie shoot was interrupted.

BUT I can see what the light will look like soon, and that is really cool. I've never been so excited about a gap between my legs before. ;)