Saturday, 20 September 2014

What's eating Gilbert...Kate?

Ok, that's a terrible title.  If you've never heard of the movie, then I apologise and just move on.  

So, what's eating Kate?

Well it depends how you look at it.  

Firstly, sorry I haven't posted in ...eeek... a few weeks!  I've got a few half written posts and
This week sucked, but I still got outside for a lunchtime walk!
lists, but things have been hectic and a bit full on.  I keep wanting to write a short post, an update post, post a photo, all types of things, but then I think "oh no, I need to firstly post about this or that".  So I keep putting my updates off.  (Thank you to those people who have messaged me to say they miss my posts!) xx

But, as out of order as it is, tonight I particularly felt the need to post, and I reminded myself "It's your blog, Kate!  You write when you want, about what you want!" :)

So, here we are, out of order, and what's on my mind right now.  Just what I need.

It's been a tough little while.  It always seems to be, lately!

In a high level nut shell, I've been trying hard this round.  Really trying hard.  We're just finishing Week 7.  I slipped for a week or two, but for the most part, I have been doing really well, and I'm proud.

I pulled myself back up last week after the slip up and so far I've been back on the straight and narrow for over a week.  I wrote a little blurb on my Instagram about this.  It feels silly to write how I've been 'going good for a week' when I started this lengthy adventure 2 years
ago.  But that's how I roll.  I'm probably the most inconsistent, time taking, up and down,
failing, slowest, stuff up person I know.  But I pick myself up each and every time.  I'll get there, and it's going to end up taking longer than everyone else I know, but hey.  It is what it is.  Some days it's just a day by day thing.  And I have to feel proud of that.  This is me and I'm doing the best I can.

Anyway - this particular good stretch - since last week, I've lost about 5.5kg.  Super stoked and all I'm trying to do is to keep going, and not give up.  And that's what this post is about.

This week has been incredibly difficult.  It's been the anniversary of an angel baby that was close to me (miscarriage) and even though it's been 4 years, this year was the hardest?  A
family friend passed away a couple of days ago.  A close friend is moving interstate in a few
days.  My brother has been deployed overseas with work which I haven't coped well with this time.  Mainly because due to this, my family can't be all together this weekend, which is something I've been looking forward to and now we won't be able to again for probably at least 6 months.  For some reason, the grief of my grandmother passing away in March, seemed to suddenly choose this week to hit me.  They say you can't tell when grief will hit.  It's true.  I've had some major stresses with work.  I really missed a few particular friends this week.  I've had some medical concerns and this week alone have had 4 GP appointments, 2 CT scans, a Doppler (Ultrasound) and I've put off having an MRI.  I don't know what's going on and I've been terrified.  And to make matters worse, I've been trying to deal with it on my own and haven't told a soul what's been going on.

That's all been this week.  I thought I wasn't coping very well.  Today I haven't been able to stop crying.

But I realised something that made me realise that, hang on, I'm doing better than I thought.

Over the past few days, I have not binged.

I have gone off track with food a little.  I aimed to get my 'Nutrition sticker' each day this week.  7/7 was the aim.
This week. Slowly but surely.

I won't be getting 7/7.  But - only because of slight mishaps.  I basically had a few squares of chocolate and a few chips.  That is all.  That may be confusing to read, me celebrating  eating some chocolate!  But trust me, what I just listed was practically like eating lettuce leaves to the average person.

When I go overboard with food - which is all the time - and especially when I get extremely stressed and upset, I go nuts with food.  Like, really nuts.

But as much as this week has hurt like crazy, no matter how sad I've been, I kept remembering my goals, and how important they are to me, and they've stopped me from going comfort food crazy.  My reminders I have scattered around the place have helped me.  I think "I might grab some chips later" but then see a countdown to a special date on an app, and I decide not to go for the chips.

Yep, I've had some chips.  Oh, and I also had some cheese tonight....  But it has been nothing comparitively, and that's what I'm focusing on.  It's helping me realise that I can get through tough times without the comfort of a truckload of food.  And it's also confirming for me, just how important my goals are.

I already knew they were important.  But the fact that I have been so strong this week just further validates it for me.

I've always been the stereotypical comfort eater and I'm slowly breaking my own mould.  I've
caught myself a few times this week 'comforting' myself by thinking I could just go and get *insert mega high cal junk food here*, "to make myself feel better."  That's actually how I think of it, in my head.  But each time, I try to counteract the thought.

I'm trying my hardest to stay positive - I'm aware that things could be a lot worse and I'm reminding myself of the good aspects as much as I can.  I guess it's just a lot of heavy stuff to deal with all in one week.  I have a lot of good people around me.  But when it comes to stuff like this, I deal with it all on my own.  It makes me tougher - but I guess it also makes things tougher.

We all have ups and downs all the time.  It's how we deal with them that counts.  I'm just keeping on going.  Trying my best each day.  Remembering my goals.  And moving forward even if it hurts.  

So, a lot is eating me right now.  But I'm not eating a lot.  Hence, the cliche, silly title of this post. #dontjudgeme

I'll check back in soon.  Thanks for listening.  And here's hoping next week has less tears. :)