Saturday, 17 October 2015

A picture story: The 'Bad' (of this week)

So whether you've been following me for 3 years or 3 weeks, you've probably been able to tell that I share the Good, the Bad and the Ugly of this weight loss journey that I'm on.

It's usually the Good and the Bad that I highlight: the Uglies are rare, but they do happen.  Like this one: The Run That Needed To Happen

But I guess what I don't show all too often, are the daily 'Bad'.  They're the moments we all have.  I overshare already, but there's so many more every day things I leave out.

I realised though, that this week I've captured various photos on my Camera Roll of some of my more vulnerable moments.  And that it might be refreshing: for me, and hopefully for some of you, to share.  

(Side note: I hope I'm not the only one who digitally captures many, many random moments like this.  Thank goodness it's not 1998 where I had to pay to develop every 24 roll of film.) 

This isn't about being a Debbie Downheart, or a Negative Nancy: far from it.  It's to show that we all face these moments daily- they're just part of weight loss life.  And it's to show that in this respect, "weight loss life" reflects "normal life": nothing's straightforward, and each thing we face can only make us stronger.

They're not really 'Bad'.  They're just the 'Hard'.  And like the hard moments we have in "normal life", they're just all just part of the journey xx

Some of the Bad................. Hard.................. Vulnerable moments of my week:

TUESDAY NIGHT: I did Instagram about this picture.  I suddenly felt like a Crunchie McFlurry from McDonalds... :o  I was home for the night, I was in my pyjamas, I'd had dinner, and it was time to start thinking about getting ready for bed.  For all of my issues with food, I'm not the type of person to go for a drive to get one thing to satisfy a craving or desire.  If I was out and about, sure: but I think I've gone for a late night ice cream drive maybe twice, ever.  Besides: I'm in a focused part of my journey - unplanned 535 calorie McFlurries are not in my meal plan!  But I really wanted one.  In a weak moment, I decided to get organised for the next day (including training clothes and lunch packed), and then go out and just get one.  I put my wallet and keys on my bed, ready to grab once I was organised and packed.  Literally 2 min. later, a friend happened to call.  This particular friend knows my every weight loss pain and goal, and I mentioned to her that I was about to go out and get ice cream.  She said the right things, I felt stronger than my desires, I snapped this photo to send to her to prove how close I was to go and get it, and I went to bed, with no ice cream.  I felt strong...but I still wanted ice cream.

WEDNESDAY EARLY MORNING: This was taken at boot camp on Wednesday morning.  It's not a bad moment as such, but when I saw the photo, it just reminded me of how much my injuries change things up for me.  That's me, in the green top, middle right, looking like the odd one out. :)  My boot camp friends were doing cycling leg raises.  I haven't been able to do leg raises for 2 years because they aggravate my O pain.  So automatically, I changed over to do crunches, which is my replacement exercise for raises.  Even though I know that I constantly do different adaptations to work around my injuries, I've never seen it represented in a photo before.  This photo just amused and interested me.  It perfectly captured how things are for me, constantly, exercise wise, while I'm carrying injuries: I'm always doing an adaptation.  I'm used to it, I know it's ok, and at least I'm doing something, but occasionally in the middle of being different, when I really want to 'join the rest of the class', it does run through my mind: "this really sux".

Photo 1

Photo 2

Photo 3
WEDNESDAY LATE MORNING: These three photos are of a black cardi style jumper that has been my clothing security blanket lately.  While not many of my clothes comfortably fit me, I've been over-wearing this cardi / jumper.  It covers tops that I don't really feel great in, and it helps me fade into the background: as in, it makes me feel normal, like I blend in.  Apart from wearing it way too often, the only other bad thing about it is the front buttons peak open.  It's probably not overly obvious to those around me, but it bothers me to no end.  I took these photos to be able to compare later down the track.  I can't wait to be able to wear this with flat, normal buttons, with room underneath.

WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON:  I went for a quick run before boot camp on Wednesday arvo.  It was only a 20 min. / 2km thing.  I'm currently allowed to run 200m intervals, with a view to slowly increase this.  I'll expand on my running in another blog post, but the main story with this photo, is, the run was a bit upsetting.  It's hard enough being allowed to only run 200m - but what horrified me on Wednesday afternoon is, that's all I felt I could run.  I think mindset and anxiety were clouding my judgement a bit, but at the time, I was so upset to feel that 200m was my mental and physical limit: not just my Osteopath's limit.  I was doing 200m intervals, and I didn't actually feel like I could do more, even if I was allowed to!  I was running along wondering how on earth I have ever run for even 1km in the past.  I never imagined 200m would be a struggle again. :(  I did actually get to 370m, but even the fact that 370m impressed me, got me so down.  I had a bit of time before boot camp started, and I lay on the grass with my trainer Margie while I waited for the others to arrive.  I tried to do a cool selfie of me lying on the grass, and even though I got some ok-ish photos, this particular photo took me aback when I saw it later: I must have accidentally taken it in between posed selfies.  The other photos are posed and planned, smiley, whereas this one managed to capture my real, true face at the time...  This is the face of a runner who feels like they are literally back to square one.

WEDNESDAY NIGHT:  This picture is one I sent to a friend, of me resting after the boot camp that followed that forlorn, previous picture.  I think I overdid it.  I got a bit dizzy while boxing, and actually started seeing stars.  I pressed on, but when my legs went a bit jelly, it was a double whammy and I had to lie down.  I came home, showered, ate, and lay down to rest until I went to sleep.  It was actually nice to look after myself.  I took Thursday as an unplanned, yet needed, rest day.  Always learning.

THURSDAY NIGHT: So that ice cream that I was strong about and said no to, on Tuesday night?  I wanted it again on Wednesday night, but didn't.  But then on Thursday night, I did.  The struggle: it's real.

LATER ON THURSDAY NIGHT:  "Nothing to wear".  I had a wedding on Friday and a friend asked me on Thursday what I was wearing to it. :o  Umm...I had actually not thought about it.  You don't lovingly pre-plan wedding outfits when you're my weight. :(  I was thankful to her for asking though, as I needed to find something!  I have got so, so many clothes, yet I didn't feel I had even one thing that was wedding appropriate, and that fit, and that I would feel comfortable in.  I thought of just two potential options.  I tried on Potential Wedding Outfit #1, but I bulged out of it in every direction.  I had to settle for Potential Wedding Outfit #2.  It wasn't a flattering choice at all.  It was a dress that I currently can only wear as a top, with unshapely, baggy pants, and my safety cardi / jumper.  I took this photo as I looked at my oversized wardrobe with nothing to wear, having a moment of truth.  I packed Outfit #2 in my bag for the next day, and comforted myself by daydreaming of days to come, where I can be excited about choosing outfits in advance again...  At least I'm doing something about getting back to that point.

FRIDAY MORNING: There were no smiles on Friday morning!  I didn't want to get up and train.  At all.  I literally got out of bed 80% because I wanted to see my boot camp family, 20% because going to boot camp helps me go to work at a time that I want to go at, and a lowly 0% because I felt motivated to exercise and work hard.  I wasn't feeling it, and often don't.  I went to Instagram a post-workout selfie, but this face is all I could manage.  Needless to say, the picture stayed on my phone.... (until now, where I'm sharing some down and out moments!)

FRIDAY MID-MORNING: Work morning teas.  I did pretty well, but they're always a battle.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON: So, Wedding Outfit #2 deemed to be worse than I thought.  I felt so uncomfortable about it, that by Friday morning, it got me so down.  (No wonder I had that face on the previous pic).  Apart from feeling so awful and unconfident in it, I didn't realise that the dress/top also gaped inappropriately.  It was hopeless; I needed something new.  I ran to the shops literally 45min. before the wedding started, and scanned the racks to find something that would be a decent Outfit #3.  I was in such a rush that it's a bit embarrassing that I realise now that I still let myself think to take this photo in the moment...but anyway.  I managed to find something.  This photo captures a moment that I plan to soon avoid.  Where I can fit my beautiful clothes again, and not have to do last minute emergency shopping dashes, less than 1 hour before a wedding.

SATURDAY MORNING: I went to parkrun this morning... I'll talk more about how the event actually unfolded in another post, but this story is about the moment of the photo.  I took this photo during the warm-up, when I arrived.  I was feeling so anxious about attending today.  My Wednesday running moment I mentioned above, combined with my last two parkrun experiences that were less than positive, made me start imagining that I'd have an awful event.  I hate sounding like a little ball of pessimism, but it's real, and how I felt today.  While at the start site, I looked around and just felt so inadequate and hopeless; feeling like I was going to be left behind.

So they're just a few moments that I managed to capture on camera this week.  I hope these photos portray a little as to how I was feeling at the time, and that my photo explanations come across as I meant them.

Chat soon - by the way, with the last photo (parkrun), I didn't get left behind, in fact I got surrounded by support. :)

See, some moments are really just that...moments.  And moments can turn around xx


  1. Post what you ended up wearing to the wedding!

    I bet you still looked great with your smile and amazing long hair.

    Love what you've got while you're working on it :-)


  2. Really wanted and want to see the wedding outfit
    Love your honesty xx