Sunday, 27 September 2015

Balancing myself in Week 2


I'm writing this slightly relaxed!  It's Sunday, I have the day off, and I had an amazing sleep where I woke up naturally just after 9am.  Winning.  I've been so non-stop this week, one of those weeks where I haven't had literally 5min. to myself, from very early to very late.  So today is awesome!

Today's the end of Week 2 of September Round ...which means I'm 2 weeks into pulling myself back up and being strong.

This week was a good one; I didn't stray unplanned, once.  I had one planned treat meal on Friday night: I went to my favourite RSL which has my favourite schnitzel and chips, with some of my favourite friends.  I was surprised by myself, as I decided I'd have the schnitzel and chips early in the week.  As Friday came around, I was starting to think I actually wouldn't order it.  I didn't need it, I wasn't completely focused craving it, and I thought a yummy salad or something else there would satisfy.  Sometimes knowing *I can* is enough...I don't actually need to do it.

Wednesday night boxing
But.....  I had such a bad day on Friday, I was in tears a couple of hours before dinner and by 7:30pm, I was like "I don't care about anything, I want all the schnitzel and chips!"  I took note that it was a bit of an emotionally chosen meal (the pre-planning just easily enabled it).  But that's all I did, I took note of how I was feeling, ate it, enjoyed it, and didn't think about it after.  It's little behaviours like this that make me proud of myself, that I can just notice things, and observe.  Because I guess ultimately that turns into learning and growing.

So other than that one meal, I've eaten within my calories every day.  Most of the meals have been home prepared, but there's always those pesky meals out, where you have to estimate the calories.  

Yesterday was a little hard; I ate breakfast and lunch out.  I chose okay, could have been better, but I estimated that I stuck to my cals.  Last night I was meant to eat dinner out too but got away with eating my own prepped meal at home first, without it being socially awkward.  (By me not eating when out).  That's forever an issue I find with meals out: I am often more than happy to eat food at home or bring my own, but there's a fine line between being focused and on track, and being a normal person who should be able to eat with friends and not have it be overthought.

I get away with it by just:
  1. Limiting the meals out as much as I can (eg. encourage friends to have a coffee date instead of a lunch date).
  2. When I can, bring my own food.  eg. there's a cafe downstairs at my work where I sometimes meet friends for lunch.  If I go there and my friend orders something from the cafe, I know I can get away with bringing my own food in - I know the staff there and etiquette wise I know it's ok.  And most friends I meet there understand and don't think I'm being weird or annoying by bringing my own food.
  3. Being able to do this though is of course very rare!  So usually I do eat from the menu like a normal person.  In which case I just try to choose smartly off the menu.
  4. And in times where I think my ordered meal is higher in cals than I should be having, I
    Smashed avo
    just don't eat the whole thing.  eg. I chose this for breakfast yesterday: smashed avocado on toast with feta. I ate 3/4 of this meal, and happily left the rest.  (It wasn't very good so that helped haha).  The other night I had another meal where I cut it in half as soon as I got it, and then looked at the half as my new, whole meal.  Cutting it first sort of helps me visualise how much I will be eating.  I gave the other half to a friend and he loved it, so winning all round.  I usually eat my entire meals - it probably sounds like I always leave stuff on my plate. :)  I am almost a plate licker haha, but occasionally when it's going to set me over, I just have to downsize!
It seems to be a case of forever chasing balance: of being normal (ha!) in social situations, and being someone who is hugely overweight and has a goal to be a lot lighter / healthier and needs to make choices to help me do this.

I haven't had to do a huge cook-up / prep session this week, because I've instead done about 3 little ones, and I have heaps of food stocked up.  I have 8-9 days of lunches and dinners in my freezer, and all I need to do is duck to the shops later to get 3 days of breakfast ingredients, and snacks.  I'm going through a phase of eating the same thing every lunch or every dinner, so I probably should look to see if non-variety could be an issue.  But for now I LOVE the meals I've got ready (dinner-wise I am addicted to the 12WBT Baked Crumbed Fish with Smoked Paprika Wedges!  Hugely!) and the fact I get excited about having it for dinner (each day.......) is good while I'm settling myself back into good habits.

As much as I have my food mostly ready to go, I'm a bit nervous about this week, as I have a few situations where I'll have a bit of temptation.  I'm traveling 3x this week, and I've said before how much I struggle with food when I'm away.  Two of the trips are just day trips, but I'll still have to battle airport lounges, aeroplane food, and eating on the run.  One of the days lunch is actually someone doing a food presentation. :o  And then on the weekend, I have a weekend away with many red flag moments up ahead.
AKA long overdue pantry cleanout

I haven't done pre-season yet :(  but I did end up doing Kitchen Makeover without realising.  I had to make some space in my pantry, fridge and freezer, and in doing that did a major overhaul (I do so in the fridge and freezer regularly, but the pantry not so much).  I know exactly what I have now, and everything feels more clear and 'streamlined.'

Exercise wise I really pushed myself this week.  I did 5 boot camp sessions; I can't remember the last time I did that.  I think I pushed myself possibly a little far?  Because by Friday mornings session, I felt, simply, fatigued.  Sleep wise I was tired, but it wasn't that, it was my body.  I pushed myself with weights on Thursday night, and I think backing up on Friday morning, using some of the same muscles, just made me reach a limit.  I was doing clean and press, and lowered the weight because I didn't trust myself holding the weights. 

I worked out a new way to get that 'incidental walking to work / to my car' into my routine, that
Post workout lie down
I think will work.  More on what that is soon; but why I brought it up now is that I planned to start doing it on Friday.  Meaning after boot camp, I would walk a bit to work.  But I was so exhausted, I didn't know that it was a smart thing to do.  I was nervous I'd pass out if I did, so I drove straight to the office, and plan to start the walk thing on Monday instead.

Hopefully it doesn't sound like I'm over-exercising, because trust me, I definitely am not.  If anything it's textbook wise, the opposite.  I'm also only physically able to do 50% of my exercise plans, so even when I do train, I'm not even going as nuts as I would be in an injury free world with no physical limitations.  I think Friday was probably just a case of pushing myself a little too much after having a few weeks off, and just muscle fatigue from the weights.  I guess what also happened is that I actually hit my exercise targets, which my body is clearly not used to at the moment! ;)
After parkrun / 30+ Virtual Run

I'm going to take care of myself this week, listen to my body, and not overdo it.  With this weeks travel, I'll time wise actually have to do less anyway, which is probably a good thing.

I felt fine again on Saturday, and went and did parkrun.  This was a special parkrun though, as it was also me doing a Virtual Run that I'm in!  The 30+ crew have organised a Virtual Run, where basically we can do a run anywhere, at any time, and they send us a medal in the mail!  Other than doing Mothers Day Classic in my own place and time this year (I still am so impressed that this was an option!), this was my very first Virtual Run, and I think it's such a cool concept!
The finish line

I registered for the (virtual) 10km, but the latest with my knee is that I am only able to run 200m intervals :( and that I should work back up to 5km. :(  Considering this and how I felt on Friday, I decided that to do parkrun plus another 5km or 10km event this weekend would be very stupid, so I combined it; and did the 30+ Virtual Run as parkrun.  I did the intervals as per my Osteopaths advice, and completed it!  

I also did intervals across the Story Bridge on Thursday night, extremely spontaneously.  I wrote about it on my Instagram, but basically I was driving across the bridge when I decided I felt like running across it!  At the very last minute, I pulled my car over and ran across the bridge and back, just for an exercise rush!

My water intake is on track, but my sleep definitely isn't.  I have a longstanding issue with sleep / time / over commitment that is particularly bad right now.  I'm going to focus on this.

I think that's the main gist of my Week 2, food, exercise etc. wise.  So much more to blog about, but I felt like doing a little update on how this week went.

Story Bridge at night
I was a bit frustrated this morning; I do mid week, and very often, daily weigh ins.  (I explain why I do this and don't have issues in this post, so don't freak out at me).  So this morning I weighed and I've lost 100g since Wednesday.  I really felt it would be more by now.  The really cool thing is, when I started writing this paragraph, I was frustrated about it and didn't know why it would be 100g when I really was expecting more.

When I did a quick search of my blog to get the link I just used above, I came across this older blog post I wrote, and I've kind of explained it all for me!  Talk about helping myself!  Blogging therapy at it's best.  I suddenly feel a whole lot better. :)

So yeah it's still a few days away but next Wednesday may not be a glorious success scale wise, but at least I'm sort of expecting it now, and I will just keep going.  I'm doing (most of) the right things, and that will bring results in it's own time.  I lost 3.1kg in Week 1 and 700g in Week 2, so I'm on the way down.  

More than that though, I'm just really proud of myself that I'm 2 weeks into making good
On the bridge
choices again, and that I picked myself up from a fall at all.  Not to have tickets on myself in a bad way, but I am really proud of that.  If anyone out there is 2 weeks into their Attempt #32149, or 2 months, or even 2 days, then you too should be bloody proud.  

I get it; I know so well that this takes strength.

Bring on Week 3!

Sunday, 20 September 2015

Week 1, the beach, a competition, and taking a step back

Thank you for the lovely support I've received from my last blog post.  It was slightly more 'heart on sleeve' than usual - if that is even possible - so it helps a lot.

I promised a Part 2, and that is coming (!) but it's even more emotive than the last, and as such I need to be in a particular writers head space to write it.  I'll write it soon but for now I have an urge just to blog about my Week 1, so this post is in between Part 1 and 2!

Firstly though I wanted to share details of a competition that I'm running!  The Australian Fitness & Health Expo is on in Brisbane next month and I've got 3 double passes to give away to my Brisbane followers (or anyone who'll be in Brisbane that weekend!) 

Details are in this picture - just email me ( your first and last name by the 30th September and I'll draw 3 winners at random. 

If you haven't been to the expo before, I really recommend it. I've been for the last 3 years. The first time I went was soon after I started my weight loss journey, and I remember that day
Coco comp!
that I was just in shock that I, Kate, would actually want to go to an expo...about fitness...and about health?? Haha who was I?! For someone who never exercised and used to be 141kg, such an expo was never on my imagined radar.
Other than the personal irony making me smile to myself, I smiled a lot that day because it was just awesome. So much motivation and inspiration in one room, (and a tip, there's so many freebies and showbags!) I loved it in 2013 and 2014 too, and I put it in my calendar for this year as soon as I heard the dates a few months ago.  Good luck to those who enter and to anyone who is planning to go anyway, enjoy. :)

So, it's now Sunday of Week 1 of the September Round.  I'm happy with how I've gone.  I haven't achieved anything out of this world wonderful, other than finding the strength to pick myself up last Monday.  That in itself is a feat to outshine the whole week.

  • I haven't done a huge Kate style cook-up/ prep but I did do a 'planned at the last
    Last minute mini cook-up: my first in WEEKS
    minute while in Woolies' cook-up / prep and managed to prepare 10 full meals and 5 half meals to stick in the freezer, and these have helped me through the last couple of days.  (The half meals are because my prep was so last minute, and I didn't buy the right quantities of stuff - doh.  I made up them up to full meals the following night).
Love this
  • I haven't gone nuts with the exercise this week.  I allowed myself this week to re-find my way with food, and to get back to boot camp after a 2 week hiatus.  I did that, and got myself along to parkrun, too.  I decided not to walk to and from work the other day, because it made me feel so down.  So that's posed a little issue, as I now need to move my exercise around, to get done what those walks were doing for me.  This damn knee injury + other body things limit my options, so I have to work some stuff out.  I saw this quote --------> the other day, and it's sort of how I'm thinking in regards to the walk.  But Week 1 wise, I'm happy with not doing everything on the exercise front, and just doing something.
  • I haven't done any pre-season tasks yet other than weighing and measuring myself at the start of the week.  This was another thing I didn't push myself with this week - I just wanted to ease back into habits and food.  I have faith I'll get them done.

  • I've allowed myself to feel okay about going back to basics this round, and only doing the basics of what I want and need.  This includes....drum roll....not going nuts with weekly milestones and challenges like I usually do.  Whoah Kate.  12WBT only suggest 3 milestones each round, yet Miss 'Obsessed with Goals' Kate here, well, I've been doing 12 a round for almost 3 of years now.  I've loved doing them weekly; I've achieved so much for myself personally, and the feelings of achievement and personal satisfaction that I've gotten from each of them has been incredible.  I've also made an effort to do the weekly challenges that 12WBT set, too.  
Kirra parkrun
         But I'm going back to basics, for this round at least.  I'm here to lose weight, and I need to put my energies into nutrition and exercise.  I have so much going on in my life that I just can't keep up - my stress and anxiety levels are evidence of that.  So to allow myself more 'brain space', and so that I can spend my energies on my main task at hand, I'm cutting them back for now.  I'll do my Week 4, 8 and 12 mini and major milestones, and that is it.  I have huge goals outside of weight loss that I set myself each year, too, and I guess I realised that it's September and I want more time to focus on them.  Each one takes time, and we each have the same 24 hours in the day.  So, I'm back to basics, trying to be efficient and streamline what I do, to foremost focus on getting the things done that are most important to me.  I'm trying to offload and not get bogged down with so much.

        I've updated my Goals (and links to reports about them) on the Goals page above.  My mini milestones for this round are very simple...I want to try cooking with pork (I've never done so - I've rarely even tasted pork let alone cook with it (for no particular reason)), and I want to try eating brussel sprouts, as I've never tried them before.  People talk about them being gross, but I wouldn't know!  I haven't set my major milestone for Week 12 yet; I will soon. :)

  • I looked after myself a little bit, too.  I took a long weekend this weekend, simply for me.  I planned for a quiet few days, with very little stuff on, trying to spend most of it as Kate Time.  It's so
    Road trip snack pack...trying to make good choices!
    far only been about 50% successful, but at least I'm trying, and I haven't forced myself to get a million things done.

One thing I did though, was yesterday visited a heap of Gold Coast beaches that I fell in love with when running my 30km Kurrawa to Duranbah event, in December 2013.  Running through them made me want to visit them and I set it as one of my goals this year, to get there and just see these beautiful beaches.  I ended up having little flashbacks all day, of where I ran, and the things that happened along the way.  (Have any runner readers ever done that, driven along a running course after the event?  It's a pretty full on feeling.  Not to mention, lovely to do in an air-conditioned car!)

My two favourite moments were visiting Elephant Rock at Currumbin, which was my 15km
The view from Elephant Rock: those buildings in the background....
turn around point in the run.  My friend Courtney shared the day with me, and we climbed the rock that overlooked the beach I turned around at.  In the distance, we could see Surfers Paradise, and that was where the event had commenced.  I remember looking back at the view when I was turning around that day, and being in awe that I had run that distance.  And, almost 2 years later, I felt the same feeling yesterday.  I had run the whole way from those buildings (and back again).  

It was a bittersweet feeling - I was in awe of my 2013 self, but also a little down that yesterday I was lucky enough to walk up those stairs on the rock without struggle, let alone be in a place to run that distance like I used to.  I comfort myself a lot these days, and remind myself that I will get back there, and get excited and hopeful again.  This stage is just part of the journey. :)
Can you see why I was relaxed? :)

The other awesome moment from yesterday, was just a quiet moment on Mermaid Beach, watching the sun rise with a chamomile tea that Court had made for me.  From a very awful start to the week, to a very draining end of the week, this was just so peaceful, and I felt so relaxed.

The end result
While we were at the Gold Coast, we did Kirra parkrun, which was great to try out.  I was forgetful in my clothing choices for the day, and this week have been nervous about my knee holding up (never ending saga), so I wanted to walk, and Court walked with me.  It was so lovely to do it alongside the beach.  We were lucky to happen to be walking past the finish site on our way to do the last little loop at the time that we did, because we saw the volunteers start to pack up, not realising we were still out on the course. :(  They were lovely when we called out to say that we were still going, and they waited for us.  It made me feel so grateful for my home parkruns that have a volunteer who brings up the rear to make sure that no-one gets left on the course.

That's about it for now, but I also wanted to update you on how my little Christmas in July charity food drive went!  I explained what it was about, in this blog post.  

OzHarvest collecting the food
It went well!  The day itself didn't go so well, only in the sense that I somehow managed to get the time wrong of my own event.  .....KATE!  With heartfelt intentions but too much on my (extremely blonde) mind, I set up everything in the park and sat there from 8am-9am.  Not one person came along (I now know why!) I was a bit down and embarrassed at 9am and packed up and left. Just after 9:30am a text and phone call alerted me to the fact that I had actually advertised for it to be 9am-10am.  I rushed back and managed to catch a few people, and later met up with another that I had missed.  I felt so bad and embarrassed!

But it all worked out in the end.  I ended up collecting 135kg worth of food, which I think they told me was the equivalent of going on to make about 400 meals.   
This video shows a snapshot of my food drive!
OzHarvest Brisbane came to collect the items and sent me a message to explain where it had all been distributed.  The food was sent to "young people who come to school with empty tummies and no lunch; to organisations supporting refugees and asylum seekers; and also to refugees who are escaping from domestic violence situations who generally leave with only the clothes on their backs and have no way of supporting themselves."

Thank you so much to everyone who helped out and donated food, both directly to me, and those who donated to local charities but wanted to help.  Every single item has gone on to mean something to someone; and I can't tell you how heartwarming it was to see people wanting to help.  Personally for me, it's kick started an idea where I want to do something to help the world, ongoing.  I don't mean food drives, but all kinds of things.  I'm no longer overwhelmed in thinking that little actions that I can make alone can't make a difference.  #rememberthestarfishstory is now my thing...where I'm going to remind myself that I don't have to single-handedly help the world.  I can single-handedly help one person, and still make a difference.

Slightly off topic there, away from my weight loss journey, but I still wanted to update you on the outcome of the food drive as I hadn't done that yet.

Week 2 starts tomorrow, and I'm feeling positive that I can achieve a whole lot.  A few weeks ago, I realised what I wrote on the quote below....that 2015 is not over yet.  I/we can still achieve heaps.  I have big dreams for all kinds of time frames, including Christmas and NYE.  September Round Week 12 is early December...perfect timing to get me a whole lot closer to where I want to be by the end of focusing on the important stuff.

Thursday, 17 September 2015

Even if I fall 83219976336112778902 times

Where. To. Start.


I actually don't know. So in my last post(s) I'd just finished May Round, and was happy with my results. 8.7kg and 22cm's lost, fitness gained, and goals ticked off. It was one of my better rounds, and I was so proud of how long I had gone for without falling off the wagon (and dragging myself along by a noose). It was the most consistent I have been, actually, EVER. I finally saw myself 'getting' the bigger, sustainable picture.

And then.

I always have an 'and then'. We probably all do.

There's no real pinpoint of when I let myself fall, but it happened, as it has done, a previous 92177 times.  

Throughout May Round, I was rehearsing for a play (theatre). We had a tight rehearsal schedule and it was all consuming. I wear the hat of actor, but also producer, director and playwright. It took up so much time, which it always does.  But the end result is always worth it.

But less than 24 hours before Opening Night, and for the first time in 12 years of producing, I was forced to cancel the production.  I lost invested money, time and effort, but more than anything, I lost that end reward of being on stage.  This play was going to be a big part of my '2015 happy'.  I was so disappointed and cried a lottttt of tears.

This was around the same time as the start of August Round.  A new Round, which, for me these days, is progressively how I visualise time (by living my life in 12 week blocks). ;)

Needless to say, I was highly stretched with time with the last few rehearsals, and highly distracted by the upset when it was suddenly over.

I've had shit starts to Rounds a lot.  One Round I had a car accident in Week 1.  One Round I woke up on Day 1 with the knee injury that's seen me out of action for most of this year.  One Round on Day 1, I discovered that I was the day's chosen subject of an international 'fat hate group'.

Big picture wise, I know that 'Day 1' and 'Week 1' don't need to be perfect, and life is not about 12 week intervals.  I know.  But realistic wise?  It can absolutely be a bit disheartening when you start Rounds off on the back foot.  One reason I love the 12 week thing, is, the start of each is like a little bundle of renewed hope.  For those on similar weight loss journeys, I'm sure you've all felt it.  You feel excited, you feel empowered, just feel hopeful.  That you can do this.  Weight loss journeys can be long.  And usually hard.  I don't know about everyone else, but I grasp at any opportunity that makes me feel re-invigorated and positive.  Especially when I'm one who falls over...all.the.time.

So yeah, August Round.  It didn't start well - no more than other such Rounds - but regardless of why, I just couldn't get it together.  At the same time as I was working hard to put my show on stage (before I had to cancel it), I was also working on a huge project for work.  When my theatre, or my work stuff is busy, it's all consuming, but to double them up at the same time is just manic.  I had no brain space to even think about nutrition and exercise, and I guess more importantly, no perceived strength to make it a priority.

So down I went with food...gorge gorge gorge.  Food and I: we went to town.

Some people may be able to pull themselves out of these states at any given moment, and get back on the straight and narrow.

I can too: but not sustainably.  I know myself too well now, and I don't even kid myself any more: kidding myself wastes my time.

I need a planned 'start date' - (well, a 're-start date') to pick myself up with.  I know that's not 'soulful - zen - white feather - Xena Warrior Princess zodiac correct' ... but it's what I need.  I spent 18 years of eating disorders fighting against myself, trying to do things 'the right way' in order to lose my weight.  It wasn't until I finally started working with myself, that I started to gain some ground.  I allowed myself to go against the norm.  I had given the norm my best shot: 18 years of fighting and it didn't work - so I had to try a different tactic.  And lo and behold, when I stopped fighting, and started accepting my ways... that's when things started to work and I actually gained the control I needed.

So I use start dates... 'last suppers'... numbers... plans... all those things that we're 'supposed' to do away with.  That's not to say I'm not forever chasing the ever elusive dream of moderation.  I am... and I'm slowly gaining that, too, but with my own methods.


Enough of this talk.  To put it simply, I fell down (again), needed a start date to get myself back on track, and let myself have one!

This time though, I was kind to myself.  My (re)start dates are usually a few days away.  I push myself along to get back on the wagon, quick smart.  But I'm learning to be more gentle with myself, and this time, I gave myself time.

Even though I'm on my 3641st go at this, that's still 3640 previous times that I've wanted to succeed: and this time is no different.  No matter how many times I try, I never plan to fall down.  Underneath I know that I probably will - but with each (re)start, I get this renewed innocence in my outlook: "this time, it's going to be good."

So this time, like the rest, I made the best choices that I could.  What could I do, to not set myself up for failure?

And this time, it was, well, about time.  I realised I needed it.  I didn't rush back onboard.  I set a date so far out that it was close enough that I wasn't going to have a chance to put on 20kg waiting for it to roll around (!), but far enough out that there was no pressure.  I'm only doing this for myself anyway. 

To make decisions like this to make this work for me, was hard.

I'm so bad at putting myself, and my needs, first.  So bad.  It's only been lately that I've realised this.  In fact I'm so bad at it, that I feel guilty actually saying that - as if I don't even deserve it, to even have recognised this fact.  Geez, Kate... #issuesmuch?? :o

This downfall is what caused me to suffer significant burnout, earlier this year.  I got quite unwell, and have never before felt as unhealthy as I did at this time.  Even when I was at my biggest (141kg); even when I got seriously sick a few years ago: I felt more unhealthy from burnout.  I remember feeling that every part of my body felt unhealthy.  I hate to look back at things I put, and sometimes still put, ahead of my own well-being.

I'm working on it.

I had a week in Bali that I booked last year, that was suddenly coming up.  It was my first holiday (that my parents haven't taken me on as a kid, and that was longer than a weekend away), ever.  The trip itself was needed, and the timing of it helped me decide to just chill the weight loss side of things for a few weeks, including the time I was overseas.  I planned to get back to it after getting home.

It was me taking the pressure off.  (Step 45 in the "Put Kate First 100 Step Plan") ;)

I told my friend, Leanne, that when I was back from Bali, that things were going to change; that I was going to start to try to put myself first.  (Freak Out City.....I had no idea how (!)  But at least I was going to try).

And would you believe, that the literal day after I got home, I found myself with a Wellness Coach.  I didn't organise her, and she wasn't given to me alone, but I'm fortunate enough to be in a situation where I have access to her for 3 months.  Talk about stars aligning!

And I love her.  I've only spoken to her a couple of times so far, but I think I'm going to learn some much needed tools in regards to wellness - and wellness filters onto, well, everything, doesn't it?  I feel so grateful that she coincidentally landed in my lap in the timing that she did. 

12WBT September Round started on Monday this week, and with my laid back approach to (re)starting, this had given me a good few weeks off going hard....  It was good timing for me, as my new 'get-back-on-track' date. 

I wasn't really ready... but I'm trying anyway.  And like some other rounds, my Day 1 was pretty awful - I'll speak about it one day - but I stayed strong and powered through anyway.

I'm up to Day 3... and so far (LOL), so good.  I've just tried my hardest each day, and have tried to make good choices.

I read this quote on Day 1, and it rings so true:

It would take me a whole other War and Peace blog post to explain why, but I'm having a tough time at the moment.  One thing that will help me feel better, is getting my weight down.  So in a way, it's reminded me of pretty much the number one reason that I'm doing this.  

Having such a bad day on Monday made me say to myself, if I can pick myself back up onto this wagon with how I'm feeling today, then I really can do this.  I've fought through hard times before, and this is just one of those times.

My next blog post: I feel so ridiculously uncomfortable at the weight I currently am; and I have a few current stories (I plan to be descriptive) I'll share with you on my next blog post as to why.  If you're on a similar journey to me, I think you'll empathise; or nod your head.

And that's why I'm doing it.  Even if I fall 83219976336112778902 times.