Thursday, 17 September 2015

Even if I fall 83219976336112778902 times

Where. To. Start.


I actually don't know. So in my last post(s) I'd just finished May Round, and was happy with my results. 8.7kg and 22cm's lost, fitness gained, and goals ticked off. It was one of my better rounds, and I was so proud of how long I had gone for without falling off the wagon (and dragging myself along by a noose). It was the most consistent I have been, actually, EVER. I finally saw myself 'getting' the bigger, sustainable picture.

And then.

I always have an 'and then'. We probably all do.

There's no real pinpoint of when I let myself fall, but it happened, as it has done, a previous 92177 times.  

Throughout May Round, I was rehearsing for a play (theatre). We had a tight rehearsal schedule and it was all consuming. I wear the hat of actor, but also producer, director and playwright. It took up so much time, which it always does.  But the end result is always worth it.

But less than 24 hours before Opening Night, and for the first time in 12 years of producing, I was forced to cancel the production.  I lost invested money, time and effort, but more than anything, I lost that end reward of being on stage.  This play was going to be a big part of my '2015 happy'.  I was so disappointed and cried a lottttt of tears.

This was around the same time as the start of August Round.  A new Round, which, for me these days, is progressively how I visualise time (by living my life in 12 week blocks). ;)

Needless to say, I was highly stretched with time with the last few rehearsals, and highly distracted by the upset when it was suddenly over.

I've had shit starts to Rounds a lot.  One Round I had a car accident in Week 1.  One Round I woke up on Day 1 with the knee injury that's seen me out of action for most of this year.  One Round on Day 1, I discovered that I was the day's chosen subject of an international 'fat hate group'.

Big picture wise, I know that 'Day 1' and 'Week 1' don't need to be perfect, and life is not about 12 week intervals.  I know.  But realistic wise?  It can absolutely be a bit disheartening when you start Rounds off on the back foot.  One reason I love the 12 week thing, is, the start of each is like a little bundle of renewed hope.  For those on similar weight loss journeys, I'm sure you've all felt it.  You feel excited, you feel empowered, just feel hopeful.  That you can do this.  Weight loss journeys can be long.  And usually hard.  I don't know about everyone else, but I grasp at any opportunity that makes me feel re-invigorated and positive.  Especially when I'm one who falls over...all.the.time.

So yeah, August Round.  It didn't start well - no more than other such Rounds - but regardless of why, I just couldn't get it together.  At the same time as I was working hard to put my show on stage (before I had to cancel it), I was also working on a huge project for work.  When my theatre, or my work stuff is busy, it's all consuming, but to double them up at the same time is just manic.  I had no brain space to even think about nutrition and exercise, and I guess more importantly, no perceived strength to make it a priority.

So down I went with food...gorge gorge gorge.  Food and I: we went to town.

Some people may be able to pull themselves out of these states at any given moment, and get back on the straight and narrow.

I can too: but not sustainably.  I know myself too well now, and I don't even kid myself any more: kidding myself wastes my time.

I need a planned 'start date' - (well, a 're-start date') to pick myself up with.  I know that's not 'soulful - zen - white feather - Xena Warrior Princess zodiac correct' ... but it's what I need.  I spent 18 years of eating disorders fighting against myself, trying to do things 'the right way' in order to lose my weight.  It wasn't until I finally started working with myself, that I started to gain some ground.  I allowed myself to go against the norm.  I had given the norm my best shot: 18 years of fighting and it didn't work - so I had to try a different tactic.  And lo and behold, when I stopped fighting, and started accepting my ways... that's when things started to work and I actually gained the control I needed.

So I use start dates... 'last suppers'... numbers... plans... all those things that we're 'supposed' to do away with.  That's not to say I'm not forever chasing the ever elusive dream of moderation.  I am... and I'm slowly gaining that, too, but with my own methods.


Enough of this talk.  To put it simply, I fell down (again), needed a start date to get myself back on track, and let myself have one!

This time though, I was kind to myself.  My (re)start dates are usually a few days away.  I push myself along to get back on the wagon, quick smart.  But I'm learning to be more gentle with myself, and this time, I gave myself time.

Even though I'm on my 3641st go at this, that's still 3640 previous times that I've wanted to succeed: and this time is no different.  No matter how many times I try, I never plan to fall down.  Underneath I know that I probably will - but with each (re)start, I get this renewed innocence in my outlook: "this time, it's going to be good."

So this time, like the rest, I made the best choices that I could.  What could I do, to not set myself up for failure?

And this time, it was, well, about time.  I realised I needed it.  I didn't rush back onboard.  I set a date so far out that it was close enough that I wasn't going to have a chance to put on 20kg waiting for it to roll around (!), but far enough out that there was no pressure.  I'm only doing this for myself anyway. 

To make decisions like this to make this work for me, was hard.

I'm so bad at putting myself, and my needs, first.  So bad.  It's only been lately that I've realised this.  In fact I'm so bad at it, that I feel guilty actually saying that - as if I don't even deserve it, to even have recognised this fact.  Geez, Kate... #issuesmuch?? :o

This downfall is what caused me to suffer significant burnout, earlier this year.  I got quite unwell, and have never before felt as unhealthy as I did at this time.  Even when I was at my biggest (141kg); even when I got seriously sick a few years ago: I felt more unhealthy from burnout.  I remember feeling that every part of my body felt unhealthy.  I hate to look back at things I put, and sometimes still put, ahead of my own well-being.

I'm working on it.

I had a week in Bali that I booked last year, that was suddenly coming up.  It was my first holiday (that my parents haven't taken me on as a kid, and that was longer than a weekend away), ever.  The trip itself was needed, and the timing of it helped me decide to just chill the weight loss side of things for a few weeks, including the time I was overseas.  I planned to get back to it after getting home.

It was me taking the pressure off.  (Step 45 in the "Put Kate First 100 Step Plan") ;)

I told my friend, Leanne, that when I was back from Bali, that things were going to change; that I was going to start to try to put myself first.  (Freak Out City.....I had no idea how (!)  But at least I was going to try).

And would you believe, that the literal day after I got home, I found myself with a Wellness Coach.  I didn't organise her, and she wasn't given to me alone, but I'm fortunate enough to be in a situation where I have access to her for 3 months.  Talk about stars aligning!

And I love her.  I've only spoken to her a couple of times so far, but I think I'm going to learn some much needed tools in regards to wellness - and wellness filters onto, well, everything, doesn't it?  I feel so grateful that she coincidentally landed in my lap in the timing that she did. 

12WBT September Round started on Monday this week, and with my laid back approach to (re)starting, this had given me a good few weeks off going hard....  It was good timing for me, as my new 'get-back-on-track' date. 

I wasn't really ready... but I'm trying anyway.  And like some other rounds, my Day 1 was pretty awful - I'll speak about it one day - but I stayed strong and powered through anyway.

I'm up to Day 3... and so far (LOL), so good.  I've just tried my hardest each day, and have tried to make good choices.

I read this quote on Day 1, and it rings so true:

It would take me a whole other War and Peace blog post to explain why, but I'm having a tough time at the moment.  One thing that will help me feel better, is getting my weight down.  So in a way, it's reminded me of pretty much the number one reason that I'm doing this.  

Having such a bad day on Monday made me say to myself, if I can pick myself back up onto this wagon with how I'm feeling today, then I really can do this.  I've fought through hard times before, and this is just one of those times.

My next blog post: I feel so ridiculously uncomfortable at the weight I currently am; and I have a few current stories (I plan to be descriptive) I'll share with you on my next blog post as to why.  If you're on a similar journey to me, I think you'll empathise; or nod your head.

And that's why I'm doing it.  Even if I fall 83219976336112778902 times.


  1. Well said Kate. Keep moving forward Beautiful Girl.

  2. What else can you do but keep trying? Hope the coach is able to support you. Linda x

  3. Kate you are a fighter my girl, you keep getting back up and that is what will see you through. I too am back for the September round, and talk about bad starts, the first day was my birthday! I decided to start on the second day of the round. Mind you the old Carol would have thought, first day down and I failed, all downhill from here and it becomes a donation to Ms Bridge's financial future ;-) But no, I'm more determined than ever. We both can do this. We are both not where we want to be. But we both know the path to get there. Go get 'em girl.

  4. Nodding my head vigourisly
    Please if you need to chat contact me
    I totally understand