Saturday, 17 October 2015

A picture story: The 'Bad' (of this week)

So whether you've been following me for 3 years or 3 weeks, you've probably been able to tell that I share the Good, the Bad and the Ugly of this weight loss journey that I'm on.

It's usually the Good and the Bad that I highlight: the Uglies are rare, but they do happen.  Like this one: The Run That Needed To Happen

But I guess what I don't show all too often, are the daily 'Bad'.  They're the moments we all have.  I overshare already, but there's so many more every day things I leave out.

I realised though, that this week I've captured various photos on my Camera Roll of some of my more vulnerable moments.  And that it might be refreshing: for me, and hopefully for some of you, to share.  

(Side note: I hope I'm not the only one who digitally captures many, many random moments like this.  Thank goodness it's not 1998 where I had to pay to develop every 24 roll of film.) 

This isn't about being a Debbie Downheart, or a Negative Nancy: far from it.  It's to show that we all face these moments daily- they're just part of weight loss life.  And it's to show that in this respect, "weight loss life" reflects "normal life": nothing's straightforward, and each thing we face can only make us stronger.

They're not really 'Bad'.  They're just the 'Hard'.  And like the hard moments we have in "normal life", they're just all just part of the journey xx

Some of the Bad................. Hard.................. Vulnerable moments of my week:

TUESDAY NIGHT: I did Instagram about this picture.  I suddenly felt like a Crunchie McFlurry from McDonalds... :o  I was home for the night, I was in my pyjamas, I'd had dinner, and it was time to start thinking about getting ready for bed.  For all of my issues with food, I'm not the type of person to go for a drive to get one thing to satisfy a craving or desire.  If I was out and about, sure: but I think I've gone for a late night ice cream drive maybe twice, ever.  Besides: I'm in a focused part of my journey - unplanned 535 calorie McFlurries are not in my meal plan!  But I really wanted one.  In a weak moment, I decided to get organised for the next day (including training clothes and lunch packed), and then go out and just get one.  I put my wallet and keys on my bed, ready to grab once I was organised and packed.  Literally 2 min. later, a friend happened to call.  This particular friend knows my every weight loss pain and goal, and I mentioned to her that I was about to go out and get ice cream.  She said the right things, I felt stronger than my desires, I snapped this photo to send to her to prove how close I was to go and get it, and I went to bed, with no ice cream.  I felt strong...but I still wanted ice cream.

WEDNESDAY EARLY MORNING: This was taken at boot camp on Wednesday morning.  It's not a bad moment as such, but when I saw the photo, it just reminded me of how much my injuries change things up for me.  That's me, in the green top, middle right, looking like the odd one out. :)  My boot camp friends were doing cycling leg raises.  I haven't been able to do leg raises for 2 years because they aggravate my O pain.  So automatically, I changed over to do crunches, which is my replacement exercise for raises.  Even though I know that I constantly do different adaptations to work around my injuries, I've never seen it represented in a photo before.  This photo just amused and interested me.  It perfectly captured how things are for me, constantly, exercise wise, while I'm carrying injuries: I'm always doing an adaptation.  I'm used to it, I know it's ok, and at least I'm doing something, but occasionally in the middle of being different, when I really want to 'join the rest of the class', it does run through my mind: "this really sux".

Photo 1

Photo 2

Photo 3
WEDNESDAY LATE MORNING: These three photos are of a black cardi style jumper that has been my clothing security blanket lately.  While not many of my clothes comfortably fit me, I've been over-wearing this cardi / jumper.  It covers tops that I don't really feel great in, and it helps me fade into the background: as in, it makes me feel normal, like I blend in.  Apart from wearing it way too often, the only other bad thing about it is the front buttons peak open.  It's probably not overly obvious to those around me, but it bothers me to no end.  I took these photos to be able to compare later down the track.  I can't wait to be able to wear this with flat, normal buttons, with room underneath.

WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON:  I went for a quick run before boot camp on Wednesday arvo.  It was only a 20 min. / 2km thing.  I'm currently allowed to run 200m intervals, with a view to slowly increase this.  I'll expand on my running in another blog post, but the main story with this photo, is, the run was a bit upsetting.  It's hard enough being allowed to only run 200m - but what horrified me on Wednesday afternoon is, that's all I felt I could run.  I think mindset and anxiety were clouding my judgement a bit, but at the time, I was so upset to feel that 200m was my mental and physical limit: not just my Osteopath's limit.  I was doing 200m intervals, and I didn't actually feel like I could do more, even if I was allowed to!  I was running along wondering how on earth I have ever run for even 1km in the past.  I never imagined 200m would be a struggle again. :(  I did actually get to 370m, but even the fact that 370m impressed me, got me so down.  I had a bit of time before boot camp started, and I lay on the grass with my trainer Margie while I waited for the others to arrive.  I tried to do a cool selfie of me lying on the grass, and even though I got some ok-ish photos, this particular photo took me aback when I saw it later: I must have accidentally taken it in between posed selfies.  The other photos are posed and planned, smiley, whereas this one managed to capture my real, true face at the time...  This is the face of a runner who feels like they are literally back to square one.

WEDNESDAY NIGHT:  This picture is one I sent to a friend, of me resting after the boot camp that followed that forlorn, previous picture.  I think I overdid it.  I got a bit dizzy while boxing, and actually started seeing stars.  I pressed on, but when my legs went a bit jelly, it was a double whammy and I had to lie down.  I came home, showered, ate, and lay down to rest until I went to sleep.  It was actually nice to look after myself.  I took Thursday as an unplanned, yet needed, rest day.  Always learning.

THURSDAY NIGHT: So that ice cream that I was strong about and said no to, on Tuesday night?  I wanted it again on Wednesday night, but didn't.  But then on Thursday night, I did.  The struggle: it's real.

LATER ON THURSDAY NIGHT:  "Nothing to wear".  I had a wedding on Friday and a friend asked me on Thursday what I was wearing to it. :o  Umm...I had actually not thought about it.  You don't lovingly pre-plan wedding outfits when you're my weight. :(  I was thankful to her for asking though, as I needed to find something!  I have got so, so many clothes, yet I didn't feel I had even one thing that was wedding appropriate, and that fit, and that I would feel comfortable in.  I thought of just two potential options.  I tried on Potential Wedding Outfit #1, but I bulged out of it in every direction.  I had to settle for Potential Wedding Outfit #2.  It wasn't a flattering choice at all.  It was a dress that I currently can only wear as a top, with unshapely, baggy pants, and my safety cardi / jumper.  I took this photo as I looked at my oversized wardrobe with nothing to wear, having a moment of truth.  I packed Outfit #2 in my bag for the next day, and comforted myself by daydreaming of days to come, where I can be excited about choosing outfits in advance again...  At least I'm doing something about getting back to that point.

FRIDAY MORNING: There were no smiles on Friday morning!  I didn't want to get up and train.  At all.  I literally got out of bed 80% because I wanted to see my boot camp family, 20% because going to boot camp helps me go to work at a time that I want to go at, and a lowly 0% because I felt motivated to exercise and work hard.  I wasn't feeling it, and often don't.  I went to Instagram a post-workout selfie, but this face is all I could manage.  Needless to say, the picture stayed on my phone.... (until now, where I'm sharing some down and out moments!)

FRIDAY MID-MORNING: Work morning teas.  I did pretty well, but they're always a battle.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON: So, Wedding Outfit #2 deemed to be worse than I thought.  I felt so uncomfortable about it, that by Friday morning, it got me so down.  (No wonder I had that face on the previous pic).  Apart from feeling so awful and unconfident in it, I didn't realise that the dress/top also gaped inappropriately.  It was hopeless; I needed something new.  I ran to the shops literally 45min. before the wedding started, and scanned the racks to find something that would be a decent Outfit #3.  I was in such a rush that it's a bit embarrassing that I realise now that I still let myself think to take this photo in the moment...but anyway.  I managed to find something.  This photo captures a moment that I plan to soon avoid.  Where I can fit my beautiful clothes again, and not have to do last minute emergency shopping dashes, less than 1 hour before a wedding.

SATURDAY MORNING: I went to parkrun this morning... I'll talk more about how the event actually unfolded in another post, but this story is about the moment of the photo.  I took this photo during the warm-up, when I arrived.  I was feeling so anxious about attending today.  My Wednesday running moment I mentioned above, combined with my last two parkrun experiences that were less than positive, made me start imagining that I'd have an awful event.  I hate sounding like a little ball of pessimism, but it's real, and how I felt today.  While at the start site, I looked around and just felt so inadequate and hopeless; feeling like I was going to be left behind.

So they're just a few moments that I managed to capture on camera this week.  I hope these photos portray a little as to how I was feeling at the time, and that my photo explanations come across as I meant them.

Chat soon - by the way, with the last photo (parkrun), I didn't get left behind, in fact I got surrounded by support. :)

See, some moments are really just that...moments.  And moments can turn around xx

Saturday, 10 October 2015

Bye bye freezer stash, hello new Polar

Just a quick recap on how my September Round is going...

Latest before and after
Firstly, thank you for all of your support from my previous post.  As I said, it took me so long to get the courage to write it, and then once I'd written it, I actually still waited for about a week and a half before I got the courage to actually publish it.  So the feedback that I got from readers was so appreciated.  It comforted me by helping me know that my reasons for writing it were worth it, because I know that people could resonate, so thank you for letting me know.

So I'm nearing the end of Week 4.  So far I'm still going ok.  But yeah: just ok.  I haven't been completely strict, and have had the odd extra calorie here, and skipped the odd exercise session there.

But I feel on track, and have had a loss each week, so I think that counts for going 'ok'.

I'd like to ramp it up and be a lot more determined though.

Preparation: at least I tried
Last week I had a lot of temptations, mainly to do with travel, and that was hard.  You know what I'm like with food while traveling: it's always a struggle.  And last week was no different.  I don't know why I haven't mastered it yet!

I was away for 4-5 days of the 7.  Two of the days were day trips to Sydney.  Being day trips, there was no hotel room service to contend with, so that was a plus.  The night before, I packed a plethora of my favourite snacks to keep me in line.  I thought each day would be difficult to get out for lunch, so I thought they would keep me going.  I also packed two little containers of interesting fruit, one for each day's breakfast, to distract me from wanting the yummy complimentary muffins that I usually can't say no to.

I didn't do too bad...but both days there was catering that I wasn't expecting.  It was mainly just wraps, sandwiches and salad, but both days I'd already started filling up on my snacks, so I went over my calories because I was too tempted to stick to just one or the other.  (Their catering or my snacks).

We got shirts! #bootcamptrip
The other few days was a boot camp trip up the coast.  We go away every so often, for a social weekend, and this was our latest team trip!  I wanted to be 'normal' and not be overly restrictive and just relax, and that I did.  I didn't overeat as in gorge or go nuts, but I still probably had more calories than planned.  There were also a few wines and 1 unplanned tequila shot!  It's hard to learn this 'moderation-relax-normal' thing when I'm in the throes of losing weight, yet I still always try.

I also had a special family dinner night and a couple of friends birthday meals out, amidst the travel days.  I ended up losing 300g from
Kale and chicken salad
the week, which I actually should be pretty
impressed with, if I look at what I ate as a whole.  I originally thought I had lost 1.2kg so I'm sorry if you read my first Instagram post where I posted this number!  I was picturing my previous weeks weight when I did my first (incorrect) calculation.  It wasn't until I actually entered my weight into 12WBT that I read and realised it was actually only 300g.  I felt a bit blonde and quickly edited my post!
So for the first 4 weeks, I've lost 5kg (exactly!)  5kg is awesome, I know.  But I know that I could have put more effort in,
and my measurements weren't very impressive at all.  But that's just a personal learning I have for myself.  Moreso I'm happy I've lost 5kg and was strong enough to pick myself up and keep going at all.
I have big dreams for the next 4 weeks, I just have to apply myself!

The smile of a girl who has a working HRM again
One exciting thing from this week, is that I got myself a new Polar!  I am so deeply in love with it.  I've complained so much over the last few months that both my Polar and Garmin haven't been working.  Long story, but I'm selling what I have so I could get myself a new one.  I haven't worn one consistently in a few months and it was getting to the point that not having a working HRM was actually making me sad about training.  

I've worn a HRM on and off for 3 years and know that we shouldn't be reliant on them, and all related reasonings, blah blah blah.  I've gone through the ups and downs of these feelings already myself and have had periods where I haven't worn one.  But I'm at a stage where not having one was actually demotivating me.  I'm at a point where I really want to hit some numbers - I want to monitor my heart rate - know when I'm working hard - be able to tick goals off - push myself.

As soon as I got it in my hands, I have been so much more happy and motivated to train.  I looked down while running last week and saw this:

After I finished: still smiling
and can't describe how happy it made me.  (So much so that I took this photo).  I was SO proud my heart rate was at that point, and it motivated me to keep going.  So yay -- you will see a lot more white faced watch photos coming up!  I didn't even get one of the newer models...I have missed my white Polar so much, that I went back to the same model I originally bought 3 years ago, and am just as in love with it.

Those bits and pieces were moreso Week 3.  Week 4 I've gone ok, but I probably haven't been strict enough.  I did all of my boot camp sessions except for yesterday, as I'm a bit sick at the moment and stayed home for the day.  So unfortunately that meant no training yesterday and no parkrun today.  Forced rest time, which is a good thing as I've been battling big time with my over-committed issue this week.  I brought one of my little nieces to one boot camp session, I gave her a little set up to keep her entertained (see photo).  The entertainment lasted for maybe 10 min. of the session, but it helped me get some of my workout in.  She came on little runs with me in between sets, which she loves.  I have high hopes of her becoming a runner one day hehe.

I also lost the contents of my freezer during the week, which SUX.  (The freezer door was somehow open for 10 hours).  Fortunately I hadn't recently done one of my bigger cook-ups, but I still lost plenty of meals all the same - so upsetting.  So a cook-up is on the cards very soon!

Bring on Week 5 onwards, where I hope I can be a little more committed and hit some bigger goals.

Love Kate x

Boot camp trip

Boot camp trip

I squeezed in parkrun while away!

Boot camp breaky

#teammargie boot camp trips <3

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

When you go backwards

That post that I said I'd write...

It's taken me a while to get the courage to sit down with my iPad and begin typing. I move between feeling confident and comfortable to share: (these moments heightened when I get hits of inspiration from other people who are brave and open in similar ways); to getting clammed up and timid from being disappointed when I'm reminded of the ignorance of some people in our society.

But ultimately I've never held back on this blog before, and when I compare the ignorant people who will possibly never try to understand anything outside of their own realm, ------ to people like my gorgeous 12WBT 30+ crew, and anyone else like myself who battle with their weight, it makes me be a little more brave. Because I think I'd rather stand up and share my experiences in the hope of making one similar person feel less alone, even if that means risking an internet troll making ill-conceived judgements. 

Besides: people who are in similar situations like me could possibly stumble across my blog, whereas the other people probably never will. :)

So this is sort of a Part 2 to this post.

I was talking about how it's been so hard to pull myself back up. Trying to lose weight is usually a hard game regardless: making an effort with calories / energy in and out requires focus at the best of times. And when you've fallen as many times as I have, standing up over and over: well, it's taxing.

I think there's a big difference in being on a weight loss mission for the first time, and being on a weight loss mission after 37 attempts. They're essentially the same in principle: the 'science' of losing weight of course carries the same guidelines no matter how many times you've tried before. But unlike the air of innocent excitement and apprehension you get on the first time you give it a red hot go, when you're early days into attempt #38, you have a very unique, added, self pressure.

Now it's possible I'm only talking for myself, but from things I've read and friends I've spoken to, it's likely I'm not alone here. That being, that the basis of the 'try again' pain is different to the 'first time' pain. This time round, you not only have weight to lose; you're also beating yourself up because you know better than to be in this situation! This time you know how to do it - you have personal, tangible proof of this. So why can't you get it together? Surely you should have by now. The more you beat yourself up on this, the more difficult it gets. And the more difficult it gets, the more you beat yourself up.

I know of so many people who are beside themselves, because they've put on some, all, or more of the weight that they lost. I feel 'lucky' that I'm in the 'some' category, knowing how upset that even 'some' makes me feel.

But for me, what makes this stage even worse, are the increasing glimpses I've been having into my 'pre-weight loss journey' self. I wrote this blog post in the first month or so of the start of my journey, and I haven't read it since. Not even when it went a little bit nuts in the media earlier this year.

I don't feel the need to read it again - I know what's there, and I've moved on. I basically listed all of the little moments that caused me to want to lose weight. It was the 'tough stuff' - my reasons for choosing to change. I didn't have One Horrifying Moment like the standard shocking holiday photo or the broken chair that snap a lot of people into action. Instead I had a million little moments.

So lately what has been so hard, is experiencing some of those moments, all over again...because I thought I'd moved past these things...

When you lose a lot of weight, you gain so much. There's so many things that become easier, nicer, more 'normal' to do, feel, see. They're what we call NSV's: Non Scale Victories. Some of us share them on social media, sometimes we tell our friends, sometimes we just have a little contented internal glee moment, where we walk around with a stupid grin on our face, or snap a picture of an inanimate object that means something to us. I have a camera roll filled with pictures of vehicles, furniture, textiles, clothing and body parts that only I know what each means.

But when you put on some (or all, or more), of that weight, some of these moments come back....and let me say, they are twice as hard, the second time around.

When I was at my biggest (141kg) and would have my blood pressure taken, doctors and nurses would ultimately always use the 'XL' Adult size arm cuff. It used to upset me - (mainly because I genuinely believed that the 'average' Adult size Velcro would stay on when they pumped it up, if they'd only give it a go!) But also of course, because, well hey - it's not fun needing the XL size. They'd often have to go searching for it too, which made me feel more freakshow.

But one day into my weight loss, a doctor used the Average size cuff... very casually, like they would most patients. It may have been an unassuming, casual move from that particular doc, but inside I was doing flip flops! OMG! I took a sneaky photo of said Average arm cuff, and the next time, the doctor / nurse used an Average one again...and the next time, and the next... It soon became the norm, (so norm that I eventually stopped feeling the need to take excited sneaky photos each time it happened!)

But recently; I think it was when I was donating blood, during my donor pre-assessment, the nurse went fishing around for the XL cuff. I was partly horrified, partly annoyed (because she had to really search, which drew it out and made it feel worse), and partly unjustifiably angry: inside I was screaming "what are you doing?! I'm an Average cuff now! I used to be XL, but I'm not any more!"

As much as I hated it in the past, it felt so much worse this time around, because I'd previously worked hard and moved into Average cuff territory, and I thought that was my new norm. Going backwards doesn't feel so good...

There's been so many other moments like that lately. Which makes sense: that's what happens when you put on weight! 
Although, it may make sense, but it feels like shit.

While losing weight, I had so many 'aeroplane seatbelt photos'. The cool part of flying when getting smaller, was seeing how much extra length I had after doing the belt up. When I was 141kg, the seatbelts would always do up, but only from me having to breathe in and almost strain my arm muscles in an attempt to clasp the buckle. The belt would be so tight that it would feel like I was constricting blood flow to my limbs, and I would end up with red marks across my body from the tightness. I would drape my jumper or jacket across the top to hide it until I could release it and breathe again.

So as I lost weight, my blood flow got healthier lol, and I started gaining extra length in the seatbelts. You know, that flappy, extra length that you don't need?  The longer the flap, the more rewarding!

When I started to gain length, I started taking photos. I shared some on social media, I think several times - and photographed so many more. It never got old. I have so many photographs of my lap- it's a bit strange!

But over the past 18 months as I've slowly put on some of the weight, and battled to get rid of it plus more, I've lost seatbelt length. It's been a slow process of course: I guess I noticed the length was getting smaller, but not to a worrying degree. Until on a recent flight, I took this photo after I landed. That's my belt on the bottom, and the standard length on the top. I needed to use the entire length to do mine up...I currently have no flap.

The all-black-clothes situation has also come back to haunt me. At my biggest, all of the clothes on my washing line would be black. I wore top to toe black, and really only had 1 or 2 outfits that I felt comfortable wearing. They were my safe clothes. My safe clothes could do me for work, casual and semi formal, changed ever so slightly. It's all I wore.

Then, the more weight I lost, the more colourful my washing line became. But recently, I realised that my lines are mostly all black again. Colourful underwear doesn't count, and that's really all there is...

Feeling anxious walking alongside traffic and crossing at lights has come back, too. When I was 141kg, I would get so socially anxious crossing a street, imagining what motorists would be thinking of me. Those feelings have started coming back. I mentioned recently about how I was trying to park halfway between work and home, so that I'd get in km's of 'incidentally planned' exercise. 

I hadn't done it for a few weeks and didn't feel like doing it again, at all. It did take 1 hour each way, so practicality wise, it was hard. But moreso, it was because 55min of that hour was spent walking alongside heavy traffic, and crossing between 3 major intersections (five ways). 

The busy streets were hard enough, but each time I reached one of those intersections, I would feel so anxious: my heart would beat like crazy and I would often dig my fingernails into my hands or clench my fists to distract me. It was like gritting your teeth to help you block everything out.

Last week I realised it wasn't worth the agony I was putting myself through, so I decided not to do that walking for now. I quickly came up with a second best option: parking a little closer. The new parking location would mean only a 30min walk each way, and it would avoid 1 of the 3 intersections (my least favourite one).

I tested it out last Monday. I really thought I would be ok, but it was almost as awful as the longer walk. On the way from my car I said to myself it's just not worth it, and decided I probably wouldn't do it again. The walk back to my car was a little easier though, so I haven't decided against it yet. I also thought of another parking location that might work and would mean I'd only have 1 intersection, and still take about 30min. I tried it for the first time today - I coped, but it wasn't fun. It's such a fine line, between doing something that makes you feel so anxious; and being brave and pushing through the painful stuff to get the results that you want. 

There's so many little things that are getting harder again. I get concerned about chairs breaking from under me again: I've gone back to having to choose my chair choices wisely. Some chairs I actually don't fit in! 

Clothes are an issue: I'm not only choosing all black because black hides, but because that's all that fits me these days. All my beautiful clothes I was wearing have been temporarily put to the side again. Other items that still fit, dig in or cause blow out bulging. 

My fitness has decreased, but worse than my fitness is my flexibility. That's probably what I'm struggling with the most. It took me a while to realise this. I've had so many injuries and body issues that have been limiting what I can do. I'm so used to attributing my limitations to these injuries.  But after a while I finally realised that some of the things I can't do are nothing to do with them, but everything to do with my current size and ensuing cumbersome flexibility.

Probably the worst 'reminder' moment I've had was recently when I was in Bali on holiday. I've only told two people about this - I haven't even talked about it with the friends I was with at the time. (So, in true Kate style, I share with the entire internet!)

It was my last day in Bali, and we were driving around different places, in our drivers van. Our lovely driver pulled up at an auto spare parts shop, and explained to us that we had a flat tyre. The shop didn't have what he needed, so we drove to another auto shop, and another. I think it must have been flat from a compression point of view, rather than being flat and broken from being split or pierced, as he was still able to drive.

I was already feeling a bit uneasy, but tried to ignore my overactive, imaginative gut.  We ended up not being able to fix it straight away, so our driver said we could continue on and he'd fix it later. But before we drive on, he asked me to swap sides of the van.

I'd been sitting in the back left corner of the van, with my 23kg suitcase right behind me; both me and it, sitting right over the problem tyre.
Photo I took while in the van, feeling horrified
I acted smiley and normal and of course agreed, all big smiles and unassuming chatter.  But inside I was in shock.  I swapped sides and we continued driving until they dropped me at the airport a little later on.

I was so horrified that I couldn't say a word. Years ago I was asked a couple of times to swap sides of cars to "even out tyre pressure", and its always been one of those things that hurt me, or got to me more than others. And if it wasn't bad enough that it was happening at all, like the other stuff I just mentioned, it was happening again.

I know my worth is not judged on flappy seatbelt lengths or Average sized blood pressure cuffs, but this fact is literally of no comfort because when it comes down to the crunch, these things don't feel good.  I know I'm a good person.  But worthy human or not, this stuff feels like shit.

Obviously all of these things are in my control to change: and that's what I'm in the middle of doing - however imperfectly. I guess I just wrote this post to help others in my position feel less alone...and to share how stuff feels. Because when I, or someone, is going on a journey that seems to take forever, or when they have put back on some of the weight and are on Attempt #87, this is possibly how it feels for them.

Sometimes I think it feels like a funny zip back to the past - (or is that back to the future?) to remember how things felt.  It's like "hmm, I'm not sure whether I truly remember how awful it felt back then; so let's experience it again to remind myself, how I don't want things to be...."

One positive thing is, it's like total brand new scope for new 'Before' photos!!  I used to commiserate with "weight loss friends" that we never had enough 'Before' photos to use in Instagram collages.  Here's a fix!  Just pile on the weight again and take some new ones!

Sometimes I write this blog and think "really Kate?  You're sharing this, with the World Wide Web?"  And this post is no exception.  Yes, it's brutally wearing my heart on my sleeve.  Writing stuff like this feels like I'm posting a naked photo of myself on the internet.  But, like the rest of my blog, I can only keep it real.

There's such a misconception out there, that everyone should lose weight at a text book pace, and keep it off.

People like this do exist, and these people are my idols.

But for a lot of us, the reality is starkly different.  And that's why I wanted to share, as this is just part of the story.

Some of us do falter big time.  The old feelings and occurrences start to reappear, one by one, and they feel even worse than before.  We don't want to admit it to ourselves - it's like a hands over ears "la la la not listening!" moment.  But I think once we do accept that it's just part of our story, it gives us the confidence to keep going.

Yeah I wish I was like those people I mentioned above, who work hard, and get there and don't go backwards.  But I'm not one of these people. :)

Whether you've put on some, all, or more of your lost weight, just know that you're not alone.  I know it sux.  But the only way to fix it (if you want), is to keep trying, every day.  We'll probably learn more from doing it this haphazard way.  Maybe it will take you 6412 attempts.  Maybe just 6.  You only truly fail if you stop trying.  We'll all be able to waltz confidently down the street in our colourful clothes again, don't you worry.
This is just part of the story.
Just start moving in the direction you want to go: that's all you need to do to be on the path you want. 
When you've smelt how beautiful the rose garden is, you'll find a way to get yourself back.

Thursday, 1 October 2015

Congratulations to the Australian Fitness and Health Expo competition winners!

Congratulations Michelle.F, Corrine.C and Bettina.Mc -- you're the random prize draw winners of the @cocogirlbutter / Australian Fitness and Health Expo competition, and have each won a double pass to the Australian Fitness and Health Expo in Brisbane later this month. Please check your email for prize details.  
Thank you to everyone who entered - I truly hated only drawing 3 winners and wish you all could have won. 

To everyone who's going to the expo, have fun -- (and collect all the free samples!)