Monday, 1 July 2013

And on the 513th try, she did it.

Remember that one time that I said I was back on track and then I stuffed up?  Remember how I did it again?  And again?  And again?  Yeah, that was pretty funny....

Well actually, it wasn't funny at all.  But it's true.  Coz guess what?  That's right folks, I stuffed up again!  I know, I know.  I've written this kind of post before.  Ohhhh how I've gone off I've been reinspired...or remotivated...and this time is it.  How I've worked out
why and then I do a blog post to let you know that I'm back, usually after the fact.

I make myself cry.  I do this over and over.  Yeah, I do it less, and yeah I get back on track, blah blah blah.  I almost didn't blog this.  It's not very inspiring.  It's pretty embarrassing.  But my blog is completely I'm not going to sit here and write about how well I am doing and bury the truth.  My last post, 2 weeks ago, said the same thing.  I had royally stuffed up.  I got reinvigorated - I truly did!  But I stuffed that up.  And here we are today...

So it's pretty embarrassing to be writing a similar post - again.

Britney's "Oops, I did it again" is playing in my head.  But this isn't some girly pop song.  This is my life.

I've always joked about doing things in 'Kate Time'.  I was born 3 weeks after I was due.  And I joke that I've been like that since.  I got my drivers license later.  I get things done, I do things...but in my own time.  Give me a chance and I will get there.  I may frustrate the hell out
of myself and everyone around me in the meantime, but when if you're patient with me, and don't give up on me, I will shine brighter than you could have ever imagined.  You just sometimes have to wait a while for me to catch up.

So this is one of those times.  Fall down 512 times, stand up 513.  I realised today that I am the luckiest girl in the world.  I want to lose weight, right?  Well at my finger tips, I have this plethora of support.  I have 12WBT - this amazing program that has helped me shift 'about 40kg' so far...and it works.  I'm paying for it, and it's brilliant.  I am a part of multiple amazing Facebook groups that have my back.  I have the most amazing, inspiring trainer and encouraging boot camp team.  All of my friends and family are encouraging me with this.  They tell me they are proud.  They tell other people about me.  They cheer for me on my journey.  I was thinking earlier, and aside from me, I couldn't think of one person who sabotages my efforts.  Not one.  How frigging lucky am I?

Yet I don't hone in on this support that I have.  Who knows, it may not be around forever.  I need to use it now and take advantage of what I have available to me.  I know I am lucky.  Some people don't have any support - or worse still, they have people who drag them down.  I'm doing this for me, not for anyone else, but support around me helps me do this for myself.

Someone said to me tonight "when do we stop the crap and get into it?"  And they were right.  WHEN?  This person also said that it's easy to say you'll start tomorrow.  Ummm, yeah it is. 
Gabi from 12WBT rocks xx
Especially as you're downing a Red Rooster Tropicana Pack!  Promises are pretty easy to make when you have a pineapple fritter hanging out of your mouth.

I don't expect anyone to believe that this time I won't stop.  If anything, because I don't believe it myself.  I truly don't.  It's not that I don't believe in myself.  It's just that I have stuffed up so many times, why should I believe that this time is different?  I'm scared of it happening again.

But you know, what's the alternative?  If I keep going the way I am going, I won't be 141kg again, I will be more.  But that's not even a factor because I know I won't let myself do that.  So if I won't let myself, then I know what I need to do.

And I do.  I know exactly what to do.  Tomorrow is the 1st of July.  In about half an hour we will be half way through the year.  It's the start of Week 8.  There's 4 more weeks of this round.  5 weeks till finale.  6 months till new years resolutions are set and this time I will not be making a resolution or goal to lose weight - because I won't need to.  This year is it.

I haven't planned anything for tomorrow - I haven't got any food, I have no meals prepared, I
have no action plan.  But I won't let that stop me.  I can become prepared, even if I don't wake up to a perfectly planned day on Day '1'.

I know what to do.  I will follow 12WBT, use their tools - nutrition & exercise plans, watch Mish's videos, enter my stats, use the forums.  I will keep up Instagram with joining some friends missions: #operationhungry and #striderschallenge.  I will ask my boot camper friends, Facebook groups and friends for their support.  I will make myself accountable in different ways to everyone who supports me.  I will drink 4L of water a day.  For now I will not allow myself occassional small bits of 'occassional' food, because, I can't trust myself right now.

It's a bit scary that I'm not 'feeling' it tonight. I'm not feeling confident. I'm just relying on the little fire inside of me.

It would be cool if I had used the last few hours I have had spare to prep myself for a successful week.  But I haven't.  But I will still start, and fix things as I go along.

Tomorrow morning I will show up for boot camp with nothing prepared except for the desire of
fire in my eyes.  I made a commitment to my trainer 2 weeks ago.  It meant a lot and I meant it.  But I stuffed that up.  But it's not too late and I will re-make that commitment tomorrow.  Not for her, but for me.  I'm lucky enough to have people and resources around me right now to do what I need to do?  Well, I need to use them.

We're halfway through the 6 months time I'll be glad I 'started' today (tomorrow).

It's bloody hard work.

But I'm worth it.


  1. Kate, you are not alone here at all. I have also put on a few kgs this round, eaten scrap and drank too much alcohol. My training has been up and down. Mind you when I do get out there I smash it up but they are to few and far between. I have done some amazing runs in training (14km, 16km, 18km) and then have a few too many wines that night with crap food. No one is to blame here but me, just like you have said about yourself. At the end of the day we know what we need to do, we will get it done, it is just about flicking the switch and doing it.

    If you need to check in each day with someone, I am here to do so. If you just need to vent, scream or whatever I am here for that as well. Remember what you have achieved, you dropped 40kgs for crying out loud and you will drop the rest. You have owned up to the lack of accountability now let’s change it.

  2. Ahhh Kate my love, you ARE worth it. I have no advice except to slog it out each and every day. If there is one thing I would say, to get that fire in your belly again, why don't you go back and read your blog from day one and realise just how far you've come. There it all is, in black and white. There may be tears, but it just may help you see your way through this to the future. ((big hugs))


  3. Yep, you ARE SO WORTH IT!!! I can totally relate to this beautifully written post. I feel the same. I keep stuffing up, admitting it, saying "this is it", stuffing up, admitting it, etc etc. A vicious circle. Yes we keep falling down, but what matters is getting up again!
    Love you loads beautiful girl!!!! I'm with you all the way xxxxx