Wednesday, 14 November 2012


This is my commitment to Mish, 12WBT, my 30+ers, my 12WBTers, my family, my friends, and myself.

I've written some brave posts before.  I'm sure there's more to come.  And this is one of them. This post has been milling around in my head for a few weeks and I haven't been able to get it right until now.

I fucked up.

I failed. I've been sorting my stuff out for months now and in a few days will complete my second round of 12WBT. It's a life changing program and I know I'm in the process of finally finding the thing that works after battling different eating disorders for 15 years. But I thought I had fixed my 'issues' surrounding my weight.

Turns out I was wrong.

I haven't sorted myself out yet. I am still learning. I didn't want to say anything on this blog because I thought it would be seen as negative, and I don't like being negative. This entire blog is from the heart and as much as I can, I try to keep it positive. But I'm realising that this 'bad' stuff, it's not a 'negative' thing, it's just an 'honest' thing. The other reason I didn't say anything was that I thought everyone reading this would think "ffs Kate- you've done 2 rounds - you haven't learnt it yet??" Well to be brutally honest to myself, no, I actually haven't.

A few weeks ago I binge ate. (I say that like it was a once off thing- it wasn't- but I am talking about this particular week.) I binged and I put on 2kg. I thought I had failed so I didn't say anything. That very day, a brave friend did a vlog, saying she had binged, and she too had gained 2kg. She didn't just write it on her blog, she videoed herself saying it! It gave me a little confidence - not because I wasn't the only one - but because it was refreshing to hear someone say they stuffed up. She was brave and told the world. And it wasn't negative. It was truthful and to be honest, very positive. I hadn't told anyone! I just ate more chips...

My first round of 12WBT was all about my mind. My next round will be all about my body- I realised that this round has been about my spirit. In a huge way. I needed to. And that's ok.  Maybe I needed 100% focus on that before I could hammer the rest of the stuff.

My lesson in failure.  Try, and try again.
As for the failures of this round, I think where I went wrong was poor planning - ok, I lie - NO planning. And dealing with stuff life threw at me, with food. I have done this for 15 years- it's a coping thing. I fed my life challenges with food in my first round, and I have done the same this round. I know there's never going to be a perfect round with no challenges. And as convenient as it might be, life doesn't come in 12 week blocks. :) Life is life. Things are going to happen. We're going to need comfort at some points more than others. The thing I have to ask myself, is am I going to continue doing this. Am I going to continue comforting myself with food. As the picture above says, am I willing to give up being a caterpillar. And most importantly, am I going to Get Up.

I understood the freedom in failure this week.

We have to dream the impossible- aim for the craziest, most elaborate goal. And get to work to make it happen. Because the joy is not only in the ultimate dream, it's in the process and in the failures. And that's why this is ok.

I thought I was a very open person. I could be moreso.

I only lost a little bit of weight this round. I lost 10kg, and then since about Week 5, I have gained and lost and gained and lost and gained again. I'm NOT going to put a positive spin on this, by saying I still 'lost overall.' I did- I am lighter than the start of this round. I've achieved things I didn't think possible on the exercise / events front. But it's not good enough.

I didn't plan. I binged. I made very poor food choices. I didn't train consistently. I didn't finish all of my pre-season tasks.

Owning the Size 16 even if it is a once off!
Oh and you know that Size 16 yellow dress that I said I'd wear in Sydney? Well I stuffed that up too. (See this post: Introducing...The Yellow Dress) It doesn't fit me. I failed that challenge. And that's really embarrassing to admit. I promised here that I would wear it this weekend. Well, I'm not. I'm going to try again for the Brisbane finale weekend in 12-ish weeks and wear it there. In saying that though, I did say I'd be a Size 16 by Sydney and this week I tried on a Size 16 dress that I didn't think would fit, and it did. I was so excited. I am not a Size 16 overall, this dress was just a (very) generous make - trust me. But it says Size 16 so I will be wearing that dress in Sydney on Friday. So I will be Size 16 in Sydney! Just in a blue and white dress....

I stuffed up. Heaps. I can choose to continue like this or I can be really brave and change things. The start of a new round is like NYE- it's an opportunity to have a fresh start - plan new goals - and try again. We all have the opportunity to improve ourselves every single day. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

The thing I have to ask myself, is am I willing to change / stop what I know needs to be done. Butterflies can't fly if their wings are tied up in knots.

There is freedom in letting it all out.  To others, and to ourselves.
I'm not even upset about my results. Because I learnt from them. I tore myself up when I didn't achieve what I wanted after my first round. Then repeated the same behaviour. (?) You get out what you put in. Why would I beat myself up over something I know I've done and learnt from?  My self destructiveness does have limits. ;)  I had some fantastic wins through this round, don't get me wrong. I've told you about them here already. :) This is the stuff I haven't told you. It's not negative, it's just truthful. I'll wear that flukey blue and white Size 16 dress in Sydney and have an awesome weekend. Because it's ok. I'm not professing that I'll be perfect- I've worked out that that kinda doesn't work for me. :) But I am saying that I'll keep going. Keep fighting, keep trying, and never give up. Because each day I get a little better at what I'm trying to do. I haven't gotten it yet. And that's ok. Maybe I'll learn this again a few more times before I get it right. I was born 3 weeks past my due date.  I got my learners permit when I turned 16 and didn't get my P's until I was 25. I quit smoking 3 times before I finally did it for real. But I got there. All in Katie time. I'll get there with this, too. As long as I'm aiming up (come at me, moon), then that's all I need to worry about.

I can choose to do what I have done, on and off, for 15 years. Or I can change it. The power's inside me. I want to fly so much.

I choose to GET UP. :)


  1. Love your honesty! I've fucked up too in this round, but I will keep battling on. Your assessment of doing it in "Katie time" is brilliant! The power IS inside you, you CAN do it! xxxx
    P.S. Can't wait to see you in Sydney!!!

  2. Thanks so much Jules. I said I wasn't upset about it in the post but after putting this out there and updating my weight etc. I realised I am a teensy tiny bit. :) But it's ok, I'm not beating myself up, I'm just going to keep on going. Thanks so much for your beautiful feedback, always. Thank you for being honest too. We may have fucked up but we will go on and conquer!! :) Can't wait to see you in Sydney too :) xxooo

  3. so raw, honest, and accountable. THIS is how we play the game! HECK YES!! Well done gorgeous Katie. This is incredible brave of you & I have so much love for this post, and for you my precious friend.

    You do need to acknowledge your wins & celebrate them without the disclaimers though. This is about progress, not perfection - and even though you FEEL like you're not making progress because you're still doing the same stupid things (speaking to myself here too) you ARE because you're 10kg lighter. Yes you could probably be 15-20 lighter if you nailed perfection, but you're still 10kg lighter, fitter, determined & wiser - warts and all!!

    I'll be doing my pre season tasks this time around & not expecting perfect from myself. Let's agree to be open, honest & brave with each other this round - to learn to be a little bit happier, more organised & a little wiser after each fall.

    Love you stax & heaps girlie xx

  4. There are lots of bumps on a journey, and the longer it is the more you are likely to run into, this is nothing to be ashamed of, it is just how it is (heck, there are plenty of bumps even in our day to day life, some of my recent life bumps have de-railed me!).

    You learn the best way to deal with the bumps as you go along.... sometimes you just don't deal well with the bumps, but hopefully over time, not dealing well with the bumps will mean something different than it does now.... (eg exercising it out rather than eating through it)

    Well done on putting it out there, owning it is the first step to changing it!

    Gorgeous dress! looking forward to seeing the other one fit too, no matter how long (or short) it takes.....

    Luv ya! xxx

  5. Butterflies can't fly if their wings are tied up in knots. <-- I LOVE THIS

    Spread those wings


  6. Well done Kate for putting it out there. You will get there even if it takes a little longer but you will be more successful at being able to stay there from all the lessons you have learnt along the way. If it was easy, what would you learn and then how quickly would you slip back.

  7. Well I'm just glad that I'm not the only one who FUCKS UP! I lost 4kg in Round One & then gained it back in Rounds Two & Three in which I totally failed.
    BUT....ROUND FOUR I am 100 % focused.
    We just gotta get back up on that horse. Meh We are only human. Don't beat yourself up.
    PS: have fun at the Finale. You'll look HAWT no matter what you wear!