This is my commitment to Mish, 12WBT, my 30+ers, my 12WBTers, my family, my friends, and myself.
I've written some brave posts before. I'm sure there's more to come. And this is one of them. This post has been milling around in my head for a few weeks and I haven't been able to get it right until now.
I fucked up.
I failed. I've been sorting my stuff out for months now and in a few days will complete my second round of 12WBT. It's a life changing program and I know I'm in the process of finally finding the thing that works after battling different eating disorders for 15 years. But I thought I had fixed my 'issues' surrounding my weight.
Turns out I was wrong.
I haven't sorted myself out yet. I am still learning. I didn't want to say anything on this blog because I thought it would be seen as negative, and I don't like being negative. This entire blog is from the heart and as much as I can, I try to keep it positive. But I'm realising that this 'bad' stuff, it's not a 'negative' thing, it's just an 'honest' thing. The other reason I didn't say anything was that I thought everyone reading this would think "ffs Kate- you've done 2 rounds - you haven't learnt it yet??" Well to be brutally honest to myself, no, I actually haven't.
A few weeks ago I binge ate. (I say that like it was a once off thing- it wasn't- but I am talking about this particular week.) I binged and I put on 2kg. I thought I had failed so I didn't say anything. That very day, a brave friend did a vlog, saying she had binged, and she too had gained 2kg. She didn't just write it on her blog, she videoed herself saying it! It gave me a little confidence - not because I wasn't the only one - but because it was refreshing to hear someone say they stuffed up. She was brave and told the world. And it wasn't negative. It was truthful and to be honest, very positive. I hadn't told anyone! I just ate more chips...
My first round of 12WBT was all about my mind. My next round will be all about my body- I realised that this round has been about my spirit. In a huge way. I needed to. And that's ok. Maybe I needed 100% focus on that before I could hammer the rest of the stuff.
|My lesson in failure. Try, and try again.|
I understood the freedom in failure this week.
We have to dream the impossible- aim for the craziest, most elaborate goal. And get to work to make it happen. Because the joy is not only in the ultimate dream, it's in the process and in the failures. And that's why this is ok.
I thought I was a very open person. I could be moreso.
I only lost a little bit of weight this round. I lost 10kg, and then since about Week 5, I have gained and lost and gained and lost and gained again. I'm NOT going to put a positive spin on this, by saying I still 'lost overall.' I did- I am lighter than the start of this round. I've achieved things I didn't think possible on the exercise / events front. But it's not good enough.
I didn't plan. I binged. I made very poor food choices. I didn't train consistently. I didn't finish all of my pre-season tasks.
|Owning the Size 16 even if it is a once off!|
I stuffed up. Heaps. I can choose to continue like this or I can be really brave and change things. The start of a new round is like NYE- it's an opportunity to have a fresh start - plan new goals - and try again. We all have the opportunity to improve ourselves every single day. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."
The thing I have to ask myself, is am I willing to change / stop what I know needs to be done. Butterflies can't fly if their wings are tied up in knots.
|There is freedom in letting it all out. To others, and to ourselves.|
I can choose to do what I have done, on and off, for 15 years. Or I can change it. The power's inside me. I want to fly so much.