I ran away a few times when I was a teenager. My best effort was a time where I managed to get to the train station which was a good 12km from home, with no public transport available. I'm still proud of that one. I made it onto a train even. I didn't get any further than the station. My Dad turned up and coaxed me off the train and back home. Dammit! ;)
Anyway - last Monday. I was edgy all day. Being in the #hellhole will do that to you. ;) But apart from that, I was trying to work out how to get to Emazon's Stand Your Ground (SYG) session. She was running sessions on the Sunshine Coast. I had booked in for a 1:1 session for later in the week which I was looking forward to. But I really wanted to attend other sessions, including SYG. 'Adult responsibilities' made this not viable for me. But I still wanted to go. I sat by the river at lunch (and took this photo) and tried to work things out so that I could go. No, I really couldn't.
However all afternoon in the #hellhole I was on edge and couldn't concentrate. I really REALLY wanted to go. Suddenly, about 2 hours before the session started, I threw all caution to the wind and made a decision. I was going. I literally excused myself from work, ran out the door, rang Fernwood to see if they had any spots left, burst into breathy tears when they said yes, booked my space and zoomed up the coast with a quick stop at home to grab my gear on the way. I work in South Brisbane and the Sunshine Coast is 100km away- and it was peak hour. I got my HRM strap twisted through my seat belt when I tried to put it on in the car. I also found myself changing my shirt in the car while stopped at traffic lights. Apparently I get dressed down to my bra in daylight now?? Really, Kate? Never.done.that.before. That's how focussed I was on just getting there. Either way, this whole venture was all very dramatic. If my afternoon had a backing track it would have been some very dramatic yet soulful piece of music, like something you'd hear in an airport chase scene in a Hollywood blockbuster. Seriously. Think of me next time you watch "Love Actually." :P
Tears, VERY loud singing in the car and 100km later, I made it to Fernwood and ran in 10 minutes late (sorry everyone).
And that's the night I ran away. I didn't know why I was running away. Or from what. A line from a song I belted out on the way home was "what did you expect to find"? I didn't know.
At the time.
|I found myself on Coco Beach :)|
I didn't know what made me run to the coast that afternoon. Something made me. I didn't understand; I just knew I had to go. And since then, for a week and a half, I've been very quiet and I've been trying to work it out, as to why. It's been a full week, an incredible week, a dramatic week. It's had glimpses of everything from utter beauty to close to the depths of despair.
|Surround yourself with red|
Since last Monday night I've ended up doing 6 sessions with Emazon (yes, sometimes things do unexpectedly work out, not ever how you imagined.) :) I've driven to the coast 4 times. I've stood by the beach in the rain, smiling. I haven't stopped writing. I've drank a lot of tea. I've had processing D&M's on lonely stretches of the highway with amazing listener friends. I sat in a massage chair. I've sung a LOT, REALLY loudly. I've been taken by ambulance back to hospital. I've boxed. I've cried my heart out: in my car in empty dark gym carparks - in rooms with fish tanks - along dark dangerous streets before dusk. I've tried to meditate. I've been touched by friends messages, conversations, quotes, random comments. I've done yoga. I remembered being 17. I've been inspired by pictures and quotes and lyrics. I've been given a crystal. I've had my first bath in years.
|I wrote all week|
Some of those things were unrelated, some were soul inspiring, some were horrendously tough - but they were a series of events that all intertwined together to make me see something.
All week I've been craving to blog- with blogging being my recently discovered therapeutic 'thing'. :) I couldn't wait to share it with you and to make sense of it all. But I didn't know how to piece it together. I needed some time to clarify my thoughts.
Yesterday I finally worked it all out. And I realised that I don't need to write here the ins and outs or exactly what happened last week. I don't even need to write it for myself. There's been so much being processed that I wouldn't be able to effectively write about it anyway.
But I wanted to share that I worked out why I ran away last week. I went searching for answers but didn't realise the questions. My word for the blind boxing at the start of the week was 'desperation' - my words just a few days later, following the same activity, were 'it's ok'.
I had a couple of hints along the way and still didn't get it. I still didn't know what my 'thing' was - what my question was - why I ran away - why I couldn't find the answer. The hints made me a bit frustrated: 'nope, they don't get it.'
This was huger than just this week. This is a life thing. I went full circle.
And then I got it.
This picture really helped. Funny - just a random post on Facebook that caught my eye. It started to help me piece everything together. Ever theatrically obsessed, :) I talk about Cinderella a lot, but I started to feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Of course, I was Dorothy ;) I knew who my Glinda was :) and will forever be grateful, thank you Emma. She showed me my red shoes. I was trying to work out how I could ever thank her. And I thought this blog post might be enough. So I had my Dorothy and I had my Glinda.
But I had to cast the rest of this story. I started to think of who were my Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man. I've had a lot of help, hints and support. They could be a number of people.
And then I silenced my mind :) and truly remembered the story from my childhood...The Wizard of Oz. And I remembered who Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man were.
They were Dorothy.
They were me.
Teaching us what we already knew, what was always inside us, but for whatever reason weren't ready to realise until now.
I realised why I ran away last Monday night. I wasn't running away, I was running to something. When I realised this I thought I should make this big declaration to myself somewhere special. Ever since I was a kid, I've been quite ceremonial (read, a weirdo) ;) and over the years have taken myself to the beach and random places to make decisions and life changing promises to myself. I thought maybe I can make this big realisation when I climb the mountain or do my first tri on Sunday. Or maybe go back to the beach ;) And I realised --- no, I don't need that. I could be crawling the side of a mountain in space boots, or frolicking naked in the Pacific Ocean and make all the observations and promises I want. It doesn't matter where I am.
I didn't find perfection, I didn't find 'the answers'. What I was looking for all this time? It was me. :)
I just didn't realise it.
One footlight at a time...
|Early on Saturday up the coast|
|So much tea|
|Perhaps the most important picture on this blog post|