I haven't been on here for a few days so thought I should check in. We're just finishing Week 4 and it's been a mixed up week for myself. I don't have one big story to tell you but I have a lot of little things so I may as well throw it all out there so I can start Week 5 refreshed. I love bullet points and so that is what you will get - in whatever order comes from my mind through the keyboard this evening:
- This week has, overall, for myself been shit. I won't go into it on here but in a nutshell I hit rock bottom. The bottom-est rock. I'd dearly love to be all smiles and happy grins and say what a TOP week I had! But my promise in this blog was that it would be honest, warts and all. I had one of the worst weeks I have ever had. I am not trying to sound dramatic, just truthful. I guess one of those weeks where you just don't know what to do and can't see an out and feel 100% alone. I'm trying to improve it and it's going ok.
- Tuesday night was fun, we had 12WBT live chat with Mish which I love - that is cool enough, but then she read out my question! And if that was still not cool enough, I won a Polar from it! Nice thing to happen on an otherwise awful day.
- Then Wednesday morning I found out I am one of the winning blogs for this weeks challenge! Second round in a row! I am stoked that people are still reading this and liking it (?) :) Thank you to everyone who reads this and who voted for Coco Butter. This certainly made my day, but it also makes my day each time someone reads it, comments or sends me a message. Thank you, guys xx
- Wednesday morning also saw our weekly weigh in....I lost 2.5kg. I was actually disappointed - simply from being impatient. I am happy with it, but I did expect more from myself. It just resolved me to work harder this week.
- Week 4 is also a week where we redo our measurements and fitness test. I was extremely disappointed with my measurements - my chest and hips had gotten bigger! I was stunned - my weight is going down and my clothes are looser, so I had no idea how this could happen? It wasn't TTOTM either. I redid my measurements a couple of days later just out of interest and the total had dropped a little, but not by much. Augh! I didn't understand. One friend suggested it could be my pectoral muscles --- I hope she's right! I can't do much more except for keep on going and work even harder. I was thinking "I'm off to a flying start for The Yellow Dress Challenge, NOT!" :) I was happy with my fitness test results though. Especially finally being on the 'plus' side of the sit reach test!
- I've been going full on with the training and have been eating extremely clean...except for Wednesday night. I had a little binge. It knocked the wind out of me --- in the past this was normal...but now? I don't do that anymore! It shocked me that I could so easily fall into the same trap. It was a good reality check, it showed me that I am not 'cured' yet. I moved past it the very next morning though and am comforting myself with the same advice I gave someone on the forums the other day...something I heard on The Biggest Loser once. My binges are getting further and further apart. They used to be daily, constant. And if I started "being good" and cracked, that binge would continue for days, weeks. I reason that this week I had one, it was one night, I haven't done that in weeks, and I moved on the very next morning starting with a 4:30am training session. My binge eating 'episodes' are getting further and further apart and less in duration. And one day I will stop it. It was a reality check, alright. And maybe I needed that. It's all a journey, a process, a battle. And what do you do with these things? You keep going.
- On a similar note, I had a win today though. I went to a baby shower of a very old friend - we've known each other since we were 7. This is her first baby and I am over the moon for her - she's a gorgeous girl. However I really really did not want to go. I'm not feeling very confident at the moment and not exactly in a happy place, and the baby shower was being organised by a girl who made my life hell last year. I was maid of honour at my friends wedding and she was another bridesmaid. Bridesmaidzilla. As well as her, the whole wedding in question was traumatic for me - we had big issues with the dress, and I felt singled out and humiliated on shopping trips etc. On the big day I felt (and looked in photos) hideously fat and I was left out of things and my weight was just always an issue. I don't even use the word 'traumatic' lightly. It was awful. Whenever I look at the dress I feel the same feelings. (On a side note though, I tried it on the other day and it fell off me - WIN!) But anyway --- Bridesmaidzilla was organising the baby shower and I didn't want to go. I felt like it would be like the wedding all over again. I nearly backed out so many times - even when I was driving up their driveway! But I couldn't not go, she is one of my oldest friends - so I forced myself. When I got there, about 4 people I know looked me up and down when they greeted me. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT??? I don't understand it. Do people not realise that we can see where they are looking? You know, that quick up and down glance before they greet you? It really gets to me. Anyway, so that happened and I just felt fat. Then we played a knowledge game about how much we know about babies and births etc. and I got the most right and won. My friends mum turned to me and said loudly, (me being pretty much the only non-mother ther)e, "how on earth did YOU win?!" She was joking of course but she hit a sore point... So I was sitting there and....there was a whole table of pretty little cupcakes and cakes and chocolate and a table full of food.... The mind games went crazy for me. I had, on purpose, had my 12WBT lunch right before I went, but that was all out of the window. I reasoned with myself, I dared myself, I almost gave in and just binged. I wasn't in a happy place. But I didn't. I did have a mini wrap - I shouldn't have but under the circumstances, I forgave myself. I also had a stick of celery and half a teaspoon of testing baby foods as a part of a game. Win for me.
- Tomorrow is my mini milestone day. I'm starting the day with a bit of a virtual group challenge with some other 12WBT'ers, then boot camp and then I'm doing my mini milestone event, climbing Mt Coot-tha. They dubbed this the 'Kokoda track'. I was fine until I read this -- what have I gotten myself in for? Wish me luck - eeek!
"No amount of security is worth the suffering of a life chained to a routine that has killed your dreams."