Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Cinderella and her finale

So....I am off to finale tomorrow!  Well I'm off to Perth tomorrow, finale is on Saturday.  I am actually really nervous.  I'm really excited!  But quite anxious.

But apart from all that, we have the bigger issue at hand.......THE. DRESS.

I left it to the last minute to find something.  I sometimes live in this dream land where "if I ignore it, it'll all turn out ok in the end."  It rarely does, of course!  Ignoring things won't make them go away!  But endlessly, it seems, I try this anyway.

I tried on my dresses I own last night.  None fitted.  Of the dresses which would be suitable, 3 didn't do up, 1 fell off me and 1 *may* or *may not* do up depending on how strong someone is to do the zipper up if I ask them nicely to try on Saturday.  Not a great result. :(  The dresses ended up in a pile on my bed (see picture) which have now turned into a pile on my floor.

I was so disappointed.  I didn't have time to go shopping before I leave (I do now) for a new dress but also I really can't afford to buy something new.  My $ situation is not in a good state right now.  

Even still, I am going to go and have a look tomorrow morning and see if I can find something.  Also, a 12WBT friend offered to lend me a dress which she is sending to Perth via another 12WBT friend (as she's not going to finale) and this is just the sweetest thing and I feel very fortunate to know such generous people.

So I'll be ok, I'll be dressed on the night at least.  I can bring Dress #4 and get safety pinned into it, Dress #5 and breathe in and cross my fingers, hope I can find something shopping, or wear my friends dress if it fits.  So I have options.  I'll be ok.

But this whole thing has been weighing on my mind and I worked very quickly out why.  It's because, even though I've been going through so many changes myself, my clothes haven't caught up.  That doesn't make sense....

I don't want to buy many (any) new clothes (apart from work-out clothes) until I lose most of my weight.  And even though I have a big range of sizes in my cupboard (Size 8-26), nothing much fits at the moment.

But what the issue is mainly, is that it's just a stark reminder of how this has always been and why I'm doing this.  It's brought back all of the memories of crying in change rooms, of gritting my teeth as people look me up and down in dress shops, of spending 5 hours in 17 shops to find something to wear out, and not finding anything...even my high school formal dress wasn't what I wanted.  The only reason I wore that one was that it was the ONLY dress that fit.......

Cutting to the chase, the ultimate reason I'm doing 12WBT is to lose weight.  The reason I'm going to Perth and finale is to celebrate my first 12 weeks and to meet and hang out with some amazing people I have met along the way.  And, as always, to get inspired.  It just seems ironic that something to do with me celebrating losing weight and being on this journey, is reminding me  so starkly of why I am doing it.  Does that make sense?

I have changed so much because of 12WBT, all fantastic changes - and I am happy being where I am on this journey - there is no quick fix and I am comforted that I am on my way.

But I guess the clothes thing is such a big thing for me, and it's just frustrating that I'm not 'there yet'.  The clothes 'thing' gets to me every morning when I get dressed, don't get me wrong.  But I have 'safe uniforms' AKA clothes that fit me, I feel comfortable in and are as daggy as hell - and I get happy when these clothes start to get baggy and fall off.  These clothes are ok for work, for training, for seeing friends.  But a dress for a big event - I'm not small enough yet to find / buy / wear what I want to wear yet.

And as much as I can pretend that it doesn't bother me, it does.  I want to feel excited about dressing up like I have in the past.  I want to discuss accessories with friends and go shopping for the perfect matching clutch for the night.  One that I'll add to my massive 'one off wear' collection, but that's ok because I bought it for that one night and it matched my awesome dress. :)

I've just realised I guess that I am not going to be able to do that this weekend.  I'll go and have a great time, and I'm sure I won't care what I'm wearing as soon as I get there.  But this weekend won't be one where I can be excited about dressing up.  I'm getting my hair and makeup done, I'll get photos, I'll have a ball.  But whatever I wear on the night will just be another reminder of why I'm on this journey.  It's just one of the many things I listed here on this post: Written by a fat girls heart  And that's ok.  Reminders are good.

Cinderella will have something this weekend, but one day she'll be able to wear her ball gown that she is working so desperately for. :)

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