Ahhh so just another "Kate is wearing her heart on her sleeve right now" post. Just me sounding all sensitive - but when am I not - so, as always, please just bare with me and don't judge me ;)
This week, some of us shared our stories to date with some newbies on 30+. I put up my current before and 'after' pic (this one!) and did a bullet point blurb explaining the main differences in my weight loss journey like a little 'then' and 'now' list. Like I've gone from 'Size 28 to Size 14' and 'being able to run 200m to 30km' etc. I then started to write something else but couldn't word it right, because I didn't understand what I was trying to say - so I posted it without this part. It's taken me a couple of days to process it but I realised what I was trying to say - and that is: that I've gone from 'hating my body' to 'loving my body'.
I have never, ever, ever loved my body. And now? Like right now? It is so imperfect it's not funny. I am still overweight (well, to be technical, Obese), I have SO many kg's still to drop -- I have these huge embarrassing hips -- I get blotchy skin on my arms -- my hands bleed through Winter because of a skin condition -- I just found out I have a heart condition -- I have a blood thing -- my hair annoys me -- I have chronic back issues -- I often get Hypoglycaemic -- I have stretch marks -- I have scars -- I get breathing anxiety -- I don't like my face -- I hate this, I hate that, blah blah blah, I could go on forever. So this is what weirded me out. I realised I actually love my body! With all of it's imperfections.
I've heard people say they love their body's before but I thought the only people who said that were middle aged women my mums age who finally accept that they can't change their body and just come to peace with it. I've been obviously working towards changing my body so the last thing I expected was to realise I love my body MID WAY - when it is still so imperfect! And to be honest I didn't even think that it might happen at the end of my weight loss journey, let alone now - I think I resigned myself to a life where I will never love it. Morbidly obese people don't love their bodies.
This is a huge thing for me. I grew up scrawling in my diary and drawing disgusting stick figure drawings of how I perceived my body. If they weren't so embarrassing I would share them here. Ugly drawings of blobs with the worst descriptions attached. I would actually draw arrows pointing to each thing I hated about my body. I did this all the time and it was usually followed up with a huge "I HATE MYSELF!!!!!" across an entire page. Coupled with 17 years of eating disorders, being able to love my body was not even in my distant sights of being possible for me.
But that's what's happened :) All the imperfections I listed above still stand, and I still have a long way to go but I think I just realised that it's ok...I actually now accept my body for what it is and care about it. I'm thankful for how it's helped me, how it's sustained me and how it's coped with so much. And I appreciate how hard I've worked to improve my fitness so that it's healthier. When I started this journey I was in such a dangerous physical state. This morning I climbed a mountain that is so steep that I had to lean to the ground and grab at rocks to stop slipping at one point. After I reached the top, within a few minutes, my heart rate had dropped to 58-59. 18 months ago I think my resting heart rate was 80-90. It's now 52 but to have it drop to the 50's so quickly after climbing a mountain...........it's really overwhelming.
I'm still going to work really hard to continue on this journey - I still have heaps of weight to lose and I also want to continue to become even healthier, more fit etc. so that hasn't changed, but for now it's like this really strange revelation to be happy and comfortable in my own skin, for the first time in my life.
I know this sounds so weird but I just had to share this since I have gotten my head around it. I never really believed that one day I could love my body...and I certainly never expected it to be now...in the middle of my journey...complete with all it's imperfections...but there you go :)
Thanks for listening to yet another deep and meaningful post :)