I wore them to work today. I didn't plan to wear them. I work in a corporate office. I wore them with black shoes and semi corporate work gear. I say semi because I don't have nice corporate clothes that fit me. If I did, I would have described myself as corporate. 'Semi' is used in the context that I may not have looked smashingly corporate, but I tried as much as I could. Anyway, I am getting off track. :)
So, I wore these yellow socks today. Why? Because I didn't have any clean black socks. I've been busy, and I haven't washed my black work socks. (See my previous post, "Controlling an elephant" for more info). This morning I considered wearing dirty black socks but opted for the clean *bright* yellow socks. I told myself that no-one would notice.
I believed that until I walked from my car into the office. This is a photo of them in the picture. Really Coco, no-one would notice? They are friggin' fluoro yellow! My pants don't hang over my shoes that low that they would cover the glaring brightness of the socks! Yeah, it was a bit obvious.
As a result, I was feeling embarrassed and self conscious all day. I was having a fat day, ugly day, bad hair day and bad clothes day all at once. And now I could add 'bad yellow socks day' to that list. Drop me a message if you don't know what 'fat day' etc. is - it's just an analogy :)
Anyway. The socks got me thinking. I was so frustrated at myself for wearing them. Because I should have had clean, black socks ready to be worn. I didn't, because I didn't do the work necessary to make this happen. Ok, the 'work' = 70min. in a washing machine inclusive of putting them in the machine and hanging them out to dry. Not a biggie. But I haven't even done that. I haven't been doing any work lately. For example, I stripped my bed 3, yes three weeks ago and washed my sheets. They are still hanging on the line - I have been sleeping on a blanket on the bare mattress because I haven't put them back on my bed yet. Seriously! This is how out of control I have let my life get.
You know that to do list I wrote on my "Controlling an elephant" post? Well I'm always going to be completely honest here instead of lying. It's embarrassing, but I have only done about 4 things on that list. The list was too time consuming in a short space of time to achieve. I have had 10pm-12am for the last 3 nights to get that stuff done. Then back up at 6am. I couldn't do it all in 2 hours. But do you know what, I didn't even do a little bit in that 2 hours each night. I got overwhelmed again and freaked out, and did hardly anything.
But I am sick of it. And this is where the yellow socks come in. I was so, so annoyed at myself for wearing the yellow socks today, that I realised that I just have to JFDI and wash those damn black socks next time. And the same with my bed sheets. And the same with my brothel house. And the same with my bills and everything else that I've let slip. But most of all, with my weight. You know I hate being this weight. But today was strange. It was like I finally got sick of it. Completely over it.
I'm not sure if this is making sense. It was like today I realised that I was so annoyed at myself for being this weight still. It's been about 15 years. That's a long time. I've made excuses and have had other things that I've let get in the way. But today I was just annoyed, and completely sick of it. This is absolutely not to say that I have been ok with it to date - it's of course, the contrary. But today I was just so mad! I don't know why it was today, and I don't think it really matters. The point is, I am just so OVER being unhappy about my weight. I'm sick of having to put up with everything that comes hand in hand with being morbidly obese. I wanted to scream and I feel like, now, I want to just run this huge journey that I'm in the middle of, and race to the finish line of a healthy weight. Run until I can't stop, and run until I get there once and for all.
I AM SO SICK OF IT.
And that feels really empowering.
I was so frustrated at the yellow socks and then even moreso when I realised what the yellow socks stood for. The yellow socks were the bits and pieces in my life that I have let spiral out of control. I guess I just realised that I haven't put in the hard work (to wash my black socks), so I'm not going to get the reward (of having clean black socks to wear to work). And as a result, I had to put up with the consequences. (Of wearing embarrassing fluoro yellow socks).
And that's how I now see my weight issue. Over the past 15 years, I haven't put in the hard work (good, CONSISTENT nutrition and exercise). And until I do that, I'm not going to get the reward (of being a healthy weight and all of the benefits that come with that). And as a result, I'm currently having to put up with the consequences (an incredibly long list of awful stuff). I am seriously over it. As much as I need to know the ins and outs of myself, I realise that I actually probably don't need to know it as much as I thought. I just have to JFDI and run and keep running until I reach the goal post.
The other stuff in my life is purely cosmetic. It's not as important as my health, but it's getting me down and is affecting my journey so I have to snap into action. The most important thing here is my health.
I have a few other things I'm pondering at the moment and will post more here soon. But for now I just wanted to get this analogy off my chest, and to let you know where I am at. This was a good thing that happened today. It needed to happen. And I had some really insightful comments from my beautiful 30+ crew which were flashing light bulbs in themselves. I'm realising a lot of things this week, namely about control, time management and discipline, and JFDI'ng it.
And of course, about yellow socks. :)
Chat soon...and LOOK OUT WORLD :) x