I've been thinking a lot lately and have been trying to gather my thoughts into some sort of logical sense. It's easier written than done, trust me. I've had a bad few days, very dark and very...not nice.
I'm not going to go into it, there's no point. What I do want to talk about though is how it's made me realise something.
A friend of mine said to me today that "Life is beautiful". It's true, I know that. But it's hard to truly believe that when you're stuck in a rut in your glad rags because nothing else fits...
I feel like I've been very blessed, been given opportunities, yet haven't REALLY grabbed life by it's horns. I feel like I'm being left behind. And it's hard to cope with that when you know it's your own doing. No-one else to blame...that's tough! :)
I've been reading a lot of quotes and stories lately that have really spoken to me. And the more I ponder, the more I realise what I want. One of the quotes I read was:
"A year from now, you'll wish that you started today."
Now fortunately I have already started, but I think this is still so true. It's so easy to give up when things get overwhelming. It can be more 'comfortable' to revert to past habits and secret penchants. It's so easy to fall off the wagon, or your 'pumpkin coach' and to stay off as the coach wheels keep turning. The longer you're off though, the harder it is to get back on.
Sorry to be quoting and using anagrams a lot tonight (!) but another thing I read was:
"Losing weight is hard,
maintaining weight is hard,
staying fat is hard;
CHOOSE YOUR HARD."
I admit, over the last week I've been really envious of a few people from a weight perspective. Some have made it to their goals or are close to, others have seemingly always been at their goal weight and from the outside seem to have what I crave. I've had a week of being down on myself and so envious that they are already there.
I read a book years ago that taught me some of the best lessons in life. One of the things it taught me was that envy is not a bad emotion. It's a great one, as it shows you what you really want! I'm envious of healthy, thin friends who have worked hard and have lost a stack of weight? Great! That's what I obviously really, on the inside want. So go and do it too!
I've been panicking slightly lately, from a time point of view. I feel like I'm hanging from my pumpkin coach, barely holding on and screaming, wanting to catch up to all of the other pumpkin coaches. But do you know what? This is my race. I'm proud of my friends and others for reaching their goals, but they have different journies.
I have the tools that I need in 12WBT and the passion that I need inside myself. Even if sometimes I bury it away. I said in my Week 6 video that Mish is like my fairy godmother and she really is. I am so thankful as this whole experience is so life changing. When you're on a journey that you know will work, it's kind of an amazing feeling. :)
I feel like I've been at a fireworks display over the past few months, I've had that many lightbulbs explode! And they continue to go off. This whole program isn't like ones I've tried before. The mindset aspect is phenomenal and ever changing.
The only pumpkin coach I need to be concerned about it my own. I'll make it to my ball, when I will dazzle and it will be my turn to shine. It's a sweaty, hard, up and down and back to front and upside down with a twist ride to get there, but I'll appreciate it even more when I'm there. I'm doing this for my life and for my happily ever after. Life is raw, and yes, thank you to my friend for the reminder, life is beautiful. And that is why I am doing this.