I'll be honest, I've been struggling slightly. When you've been battling wholeheartedly with your weight for so long, it is difficult to just change so much, all at once.
The 12WBT is amazing and I know inside myself that this will be the key for me to kick me out of the 'club' I so long to get out of. But as much as it is brilliant, there is so much to change and that can be a little overwhelming. Mish and the other 12WBTers can only help so much. Whether you have a team of dedicated trainers at your beck and call (seriously, who does?), an encouraging husband and supportive children, or no-one at all, it doesn't really matter as it ultimately all comes down to you, and you alone to actually do it.
And that can be tough. I've been finding it tough. My old ghosts and shattered self esteem is still there - just because I'm on my way, doesn't mean I am now perfect.
I guess I've been beating myself up a bit this week. I spent my last training session and Mish's first live chat in floods of hysterical tears. Why? Please tell me, I don't know. I think I'm just overwhelmed and struggling to get rid of the demons once and for all.
So I decided to focus on the positive right now. I'm not perfect. But the things that I have done already are important and I should recognise them:
- I have lost almost 10kg in 4 weeks since making my commitment
- I have trained more than I ever have before
- I have had more light bulb moments about my weight in the last couple of months through 12WBT than I have in 15 years of extreme weight issues
- My bingeing has reduced to almost nothing. A few times I have eaten more calories than I had planned, and they have been unhealthy calories, but I have in no way gone overboard like I used to. My 'all or nothing' days seem to be disappearing
- Some days when I've been really upset, I have thought that food won't give me solace, and I've done something else or just dealt with it. This is one of the biggest things in this list. It's only happened a few times, but my gosh let's just say this is massive, as I was the World's Best Emotional Over-eater. ;)
- I've told the world - I've opened up my heart about my weight issues and goals and journey more than I have before
- I don't have one skerrick of junk food in my house and have not done since I threw it all out in pre-season (by the way this has been amazing- I now know why we were asked to do this!)
- I don't weigh myself every day like I used to - I feel relaxed knowing that it's working until I check in next Wednesday (who is this person??) :)
- I can see my measurements reducing!
- I have gotten back on the wagon straight away! I have rarely done this before! This has always been the downfall of Miss All or Nothing here. "Well now that I've slipped and had those bacon chips, I may as well have that sausage roll, family block of chocolate, 3 icecreams (ok, 4), greasy hot chips and burger that I've been craving. While I'm BAD I may as well be VERY BAD." Nope - lately I'm just jumping straight back on board. And it feels great.
- This coming week I am going to try (and achieve!) a few goals. One is getting back to kickboxing. I've been saying that I'd get back into it for 6 months now. Every week I make an excuse. Check back with me on Monday night to see that I went!
- Another goal is my Week 4 mini milestone: I am going to walk home from work: this is 8-10km and I have always 'meant' to do it. There will be no more meaning!
- And the big one is: I am going to catch a train. I haven't caught a train in almost 3 years. I am so panicked about it: people will see me being obese. I drive everywhere. But to be able to walk home from work, I need to get to work. I can drive and leave my car there overnight, but it's not very practical. So I am going to be the bravest that I've been in a while, and catch the train to work that morning, and then walk home. I'm going to catch an early train so that there are less people onboard and listen to Mish's mindset podcasts on my iPod to keep me strong. But I will do it. This is even bigger than walking home from work. I'll let you know how I go.
- I went to my first boot camp and am going again next week.
- I joined a gym.
- I was truthful with myself and decided that I didn't enjoy the gym so cancelled my membership and made a gym at home! (More on that to come).
- I am training for a triathlon and 5km run.
- I quit smoking!
- I dramatically reduced my Diet Coke addiction.
- And this is just exciting, I booked my flights to Perth for finale!!! :)
So there you have it. I thought that I was in a bad place on this journey but when I look at my last little while, I have achieved a lot for me. The journey is HUGE but if you take one step, you are on your way. And I, my friends, am on my way.
Love Coco x