Me again! I thought I'd share this video with you. A friend recently introduced me to one of Dr Seuss's books: "Oh, The Places You'll Go". It's a brilliant book about life's ups and downs and it helped me at a difficult time. Soon after I got given this book, another friend shared this video with me - it's a video based on the book, created by Burning Man 2011. I have watched it over and over, and it seems apt for today. I honestly encourage you to play this to yourself every day. I hope you like it. :)
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Wow. An amazing 48 hours
I have just had the most amazing 48 hours. So many goals have been met and SMASHED! I wanted to tell you about them!
I kicked Kickboxing's butt!
Read my previous post about this one :)
I caught a train!
Yes, I did it! After 3 years I finally did it. I mentioned in a previous post that I was planning on doing this so that I could achieve my Mini Milestone for Week 4 of 12WBT. In the end, this ended up being almost a bigger milestone than the planned milestone itself. My Mini Milestone was to walk home from work, door to door. It was just something that I had always 'meant to' do. I live exactly 10km from work but I estimated that walking would be approx. 8-10km. Anyway - to walk home from work, I had to get to work in the morning.
I've been driving to work for 3 years and the bigger I have gotten, I have developed a bit of a social anxiety issue with catching a train. I could have driven to work and left my car there overnight, walked home and then walked back to work the next morning....I even contemplated catching a cab. But in the end I decided to JFDI and train it in. Eeeek!
I caught an early-ish train so there'd be less people. To be honest it wasn't that early, and there were a fair few people on the train. I armed myself with a big dose of JFDI and my iPhone earphones, playing Mish's podcasts over and over. I was feeling sick walking to the train station and almost turned around and went home. I recognise how silly this sounds - I used to catch it daily without a second thought! And it's only a 15min. journey!
Anyway, I did it! :)
I walked home from work!
It ended up being 8.36km and took me 1 hour 57min. And Murphy's Law paid a visit...it hasn't rained much in Brisbane lately at all. Until yesterday. By the time it came time to walk home, it was pretty heavy. My colleague's boot camp got cancelled due to an electrical storm warning. BUT NOTHING WAS GOING TO STOP ME! Friends at work was kindly suggesting to do it 'tomorrow' when it wasn't raining.
Well 'tomorrow' for me had turned into about 3 years of 'one day' so I was going to do it, electrical storm or no electrical storm! It ended up just being heavy rain and no storm thank goodness. But I borrowed a friends umbrella (I had left mine at home that day to save weight in my bag, thinking it hadn't rained in so long that it wouldn't matter!) and I was off!
I felt a bit dizzy at times but I powered through. 8km may seem like an every day thing for some people but that was huge for me. A bigger thing than the distance to overcome for me was the 'walking in front of people' thing. It helped that I had an umbrella to hide under, I must admit :) But I walked and I walked and I didn't care. I burnt just over 900 calories - score! (Although I thought it would be more?) I'm so proud that I did it.
I became a runner!
After I got home I had time for a quick warm shower and then had a rehearsal for a play that I'm in. After it finished, I launched into my Week 4 fitness test. I improved on all of my tests! Some only slightly, but it was an improvement all round. But the test that excited me the most was my 1km Time Trial.
When I did the Time Trial in Week 1, I did it in 10:21min. After 100m of running at the start, I had to walk and I felt sick - my throat seized up and I didn't know if I could continue. Honestly.
Last night? I ran for 1km straight. YES! I RAN FOR 1KM STRAIGHT. Oh my gosh! Seriously! I feel like I am dreaming. Running is a huge goal for me and something that I've never been able to do - well, apart from Primary School I guess.
So last night's Time Trial was on my treadmill, and it was a slow run (my time was 9:50min.) but I still ran! Far out! I heard someone say recently (I think it was Mish?) that you are a runner as soon as you: run. So, as of last night, I am now a runner. And I couldn't be prouder. :)
5% baby!
I did my weigh in this morning and I've now lost 5% of my weight since the start of Round 2! I just realised I've lost more than that because I 'started' myself a week earlier...I've lost over 7% of my weight! But officially 5% in the round. So excited! And this morning marked the 10kg weight loss from my start also. AND I've lost 31.6cm since the start of the round too. :)
Other stuff
As if I wasn't already on a high this morning, today I got offered a job that I wanted! And got an extension on my current work contract!! Still a few things to organise in this space but I just wanted to mention it as a part of my amazing 45 hours. My job situation has been a major cause of stress for me lately, and it has taken up a lot of focus that I would prefer to have put on my health. Anyway it is slowly getting organised now which will help me a lot.
The best thing of all
These things have been great but the thing that has made me smile the most was waking up this morning to an email from Mish. It was raining outside, I didn't want to get out of bed, I was exhausted (again). I grabbed my phone and skimmed my emails. Mish had sent her usual Wednesday email which I love. It was the only email I read (as much as I can read when I'm half asleep). I had my eyes half closed and skimmed the email. She announced her Top 10 blogs for this round. "Coco Girl" was listed. WHAT?! I thought I was dreaming and rubbed my eyes for a closer look. My name was actually there! This definitely got me out of bed. :)
It took me a few hours to believe it was true. Thank you everyone SO much. To everyone that has read this / is reading it, to the people who have left comments and to those who nominated this blog and to Mish and her team, thank you so much. Your comments have touched me so much already - and to then be recognised for this as well? I am over the moon and so excited. It'll take me a few days to get sorted and I am working on a few 'extras' for my blog, but in the meantime I just wanted to say a big thank you. This means a lot and has spurred me on already. But thank you for this everyone. I will continue to write from my heart and just hope that I can inspire and encourage people with it.
So there we go! That's been my 48 hours! I'm feeling more pumped and excited and thankful. I realised a few things over the last couple of days, namely that I have to revisit my goals. I'll keep you up to date on this. But I just wanted to drop in to let everyone know that I'm smiling. :)
Thanks everyone!
Love Coco :) xxoo
Read my previous post about this one :)
I caught a train!
Yes, I did it! After 3 years I finally did it. I mentioned in a previous post that I was planning on doing this so that I could achieve my Mini Milestone for Week 4 of 12WBT. In the end, this ended up being almost a bigger milestone than the planned milestone itself. My Mini Milestone was to walk home from work, door to door. It was just something that I had always 'meant to' do. I live exactly 10km from work but I estimated that walking would be approx. 8-10km. Anyway - to walk home from work, I had to get to work in the morning.
I've been driving to work for 3 years and the bigger I have gotten, I have developed a bit of a social anxiety issue with catching a train. I could have driven to work and left my car there overnight, walked home and then walked back to work the next morning....I even contemplated catching a cab. But in the end I decided to JFDI and train it in. Eeeek!
I caught an early-ish train so there'd be less people. To be honest it wasn't that early, and there were a fair few people on the train. I armed myself with a big dose of JFDI and my iPhone earphones, playing Mish's podcasts over and over. I was feeling sick walking to the train station and almost turned around and went home. I recognise how silly this sounds - I used to catch it daily without a second thought! And it's only a 15min. journey!
Anyway, I did it! :)
I walked home from work!
It ended up being 8.36km and took me 1 hour 57min. And Murphy's Law paid a visit...it hasn't rained much in Brisbane lately at all. Until yesterday. By the time it came time to walk home, it was pretty heavy. My colleague's boot camp got cancelled due to an electrical storm warning. BUT NOTHING WAS GOING TO STOP ME! Friends at work was kindly suggesting to do it 'tomorrow' when it wasn't raining.
Well 'tomorrow' for me had turned into about 3 years of 'one day' so I was going to do it, electrical storm or no electrical storm! It ended up just being heavy rain and no storm thank goodness. But I borrowed a friends umbrella (I had left mine at home that day to save weight in my bag, thinking it hadn't rained in so long that it wouldn't matter!) and I was off!
I felt a bit dizzy at times but I powered through. 8km may seem like an every day thing for some people but that was huge for me. A bigger thing than the distance to overcome for me was the 'walking in front of people' thing. It helped that I had an umbrella to hide under, I must admit :) But I walked and I walked and I didn't care. I burnt just over 900 calories - score! (Although I thought it would be more?) I'm so proud that I did it.
I became a runner!
After I got home I had time for a quick warm shower and then had a rehearsal for a play that I'm in. After it finished, I launched into my Week 4 fitness test. I improved on all of my tests! Some only slightly, but it was an improvement all round. But the test that excited me the most was my 1km Time Trial.
When I did the Time Trial in Week 1, I did it in 10:21min. After 100m of running at the start, I had to walk and I felt sick - my throat seized up and I didn't know if I could continue. Honestly.
Last night? I ran for 1km straight. YES! I RAN FOR 1KM STRAIGHT. Oh my gosh! Seriously! I feel like I am dreaming. Running is a huge goal for me and something that I've never been able to do - well, apart from Primary School I guess.
So last night's Time Trial was on my treadmill, and it was a slow run (my time was 9:50min.) but I still ran! Far out! I heard someone say recently (I think it was Mish?) that you are a runner as soon as you: run. So, as of last night, I am now a runner. And I couldn't be prouder. :)
5% baby!
I did my weigh in this morning and I've now lost 5% of my weight since the start of Round 2! I just realised I've lost more than that because I 'started' myself a week earlier...I've lost over 7% of my weight! But officially 5% in the round. So excited! And this morning marked the 10kg weight loss from my start also. AND I've lost 31.6cm since the start of the round too. :)
Other stuff
As if I wasn't already on a high this morning, today I got offered a job that I wanted! And got an extension on my current work contract!! Still a few things to organise in this space but I just wanted to mention it as a part of my amazing 45 hours. My job situation has been a major cause of stress for me lately, and it has taken up a lot of focus that I would prefer to have put on my health. Anyway it is slowly getting organised now which will help me a lot.
The best thing of all
These things have been great but the thing that has made me smile the most was waking up this morning to an email from Mish. It was raining outside, I didn't want to get out of bed, I was exhausted (again). I grabbed my phone and skimmed my emails. Mish had sent her usual Wednesday email which I love. It was the only email I read (as much as I can read when I'm half asleep). I had my eyes half closed and skimmed the email. She announced her Top 10 blogs for this round. "Coco Girl" was listed. WHAT?! I thought I was dreaming and rubbed my eyes for a closer look. My name was actually there! This definitely got me out of bed. :)
It took me a few hours to believe it was true. Thank you everyone SO much. To everyone that has read this / is reading it, to the people who have left comments and to those who nominated this blog and to Mish and her team, thank you so much. Your comments have touched me so much already - and to then be recognised for this as well? I am over the moon and so excited. It'll take me a few days to get sorted and I am working on a few 'extras' for my blog, but in the meantime I just wanted to say a big thank you. This means a lot and has spurred me on already. But thank you for this everyone. I will continue to write from my heart and just hope that I can inspire and encourage people with it.
So there we go! That's been my 48 hours! I'm feeling more pumped and excited and thankful. I realised a few things over the last couple of days, namely that I have to revisit my goals. I'll keep you up to date on this. But I just wanted to drop in to let everyone know that I'm smiling. :)
Thanks everyone!
Love Coco :) xxoo
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
I walked away twice. And then I went in.
I did it. Kickboxing. After 6 months of weak excuses, tonight WAS the night! :)
I put on my shoes. That's always the first step. I picked up my gloves and I was ready.
The drive there wasn't too painful ;) I arrived and sat in my car for a few minutes. That's when the nerves kicked in. Cars were driving past me to park - they looked like boys cars. Tough, strong boys. This was supposed to be a beginners class - I wanted to see girls like me!
I was strong and hopped out of the car. It was dark and the academy was in a huge industrial shed. I walked towards the shed and could hear the advanced group before my class, smashing it out. Pow! Pow! Pow! They were full on. I stood outside and waited.
People from my class walked past me and walked inside. I waited more.
Then I decided I couldn't do it. I was out of my depth! These people were good! (I just decided that). They were advanced people in a beginners class and I was kidding myself that I could join them. I'll come again another night with a friend. That's a good idea!
Then I decided I couldn't do it. I was out of my depth! These people were good! (I just decided that). They were advanced people in a beginners class and I was kidding myself that I could join them. I'll come again another night with a friend. That's a good idea!
So I turned and walked away. I paused. I had come all this way. I had put my shoes on (and my One Active Mish purple jumper) :) and had my pink boxing gloves with me. Just go in!
So I turned and walked back to the entrance. I waited some more. I stared at the strong boys inside as I stood with my pink gloves and purple shoes outside the door. I then seriously lost my cool. I couldn't do this! Who was I kidding to think that I could! I'll come back when I'm more fit. With a friend. Drunk! (I'm kidding). Just in any state, on another night, would be easier than right now!
I turned again and walked back halfway to my car.
Again, I stopped. JFDI! I don't know how, but I turned. I SMS'd a friend and asked her to tell me to go inside. I threw my phone in my bag and walked inside. There was no turning back now. I don't know how I managed to walk in there! But I did! I paid my $ and we started. I heard 2 other people say that they were new and this helped a lot.
But I actually almost walked out again. The warm up was skipping. I haven't skipped since I was 7 in a field of daisies. Seriously - skip? That's for fit people, hello?? I tried but I looked like I was 7 in a field of daisies. Everyone else were doing this quick 2 step skip thing. I was so embarrassed and almost walked out the door.
But the skipping ended and I managed. The boxing itself was great and it was like riding a bike. I did a few classes about 10 years ago and it all came back to me. :) The lady I was paired up with was encouraging. I was ok! My heart rate was higher than usual - ouch! 432 calories in 53 min. Should have been higher I think - my average heart rate was 138 but most of the time I noticed it was up around 180. But it was a great work out and the best thing was, that I kept up. I surprise myself sometimes! It was fun and it all came rushing back to me why I love kickboxing.
I was glad the class finished though - I was a total beginner and I felt it. The others were a lot more advanced than me.
But I'm just proud that I did it - it was a 2012 goal, and it was a huge one to overcome. I thought it would be easy to turn up and just do it.
6 months of excuses wasn't easy. But tonight, I turned up. I walked away twice, but then I went in. And I kicked it's butt. :)
Monday, 25 June 2012
1 hour and 20min. to go...
I'm about to do it! One of my goals this year...get back to kickboxing! I've done Steps 1 and 2 of my grand plan of this goal....I've bought boxing gloves and sourced a good company/class. Surely that's it? Ummm ok, so Step 3 means that I have to actually GO. :)
I'm sure I'll be fine, but I am still nervous. It's a beginners kickboxing class. I used to do it years ago and loved it. It was one of my big goals this year. But every week this year, I have made an excuse and put it off to 'next week'.
I emailed the instructor a few months ago and he assured me that there are many different people who go, at all levels, but I am still packing it! I just had to check in here to tell someone that I am nervous, but also to assure you that I am going! Seriously, 6 months of excuses...no more excuses. I tried to make some up today, and although valid, they're not big enough. I will go tonight.
Ahhhhh! Wish me luck! I'll report back in later. And then I'll be having a freak out about Goal #2 and #3 for the week that I have planned for tomorrow. But enough to think about now is tonight. I will be back into kickboxing in 1 hour and (now) 15min.!
I will do it!
I'm sure I'll be fine, but I am still nervous. It's a beginners kickboxing class. I used to do it years ago and loved it. It was one of my big goals this year. But every week this year, I have made an excuse and put it off to 'next week'.
I emailed the instructor a few months ago and he assured me that there are many different people who go, at all levels, but I am still packing it! I just had to check in here to tell someone that I am nervous, but also to assure you that I am going! Seriously, 6 months of excuses...no more excuses. I tried to make some up today, and although valid, they're not big enough. I will go tonight.
Ahhhhh! Wish me luck! I'll report back in later. And then I'll be having a freak out about Goal #2 and #3 for the week that I have planned for tomorrow. But enough to think about now is tonight. I will be back into kickboxing in 1 hour and (now) 15min.!
I will do it!
Saturday, 23 June 2012
I AM PROUD OF...
I've been a bit quiet this week since my 'Secret Club' expose ;)
I'll be honest, I've been struggling slightly. When you've been battling wholeheartedly with your weight for so long, it is difficult to just change so much, all at once.
The 12WBT is amazing and I know inside myself that this will be the key for me to kick me out of the 'club' I so long to get out of. But as much as it is brilliant, there is so much to change and that can be a little overwhelming. Mish and the other 12WBTers can only help so much. Whether you have a team of dedicated trainers at your beck and call (seriously, who does?), an encouraging husband and supportive children, or no-one at all, it doesn't really matter as it ultimately all comes down to you, and you alone to actually do it.
And that can be tough. I've been finding it tough. My old ghosts and shattered self esteem is still there - just because I'm on my way, doesn't mean I am now perfect.
I guess I've been beating myself up a bit this week. I spent my last training session and Mish's first live chat in floods of hysterical tears. Why? Please tell me, I don't know. I think I'm just overwhelmed and struggling to get rid of the demons once and for all.
So I decided to focus on the positive right now. I'm not perfect. But the things that I have done already are important and I should recognise them:
So there you have it. I thought that I was in a bad place on this journey but when I look at my last little while, I have achieved a lot for me. The journey is HUGE but if you take one step, you are on your way. And I, my friends, am on my way.
Love Coco x
I'll be honest, I've been struggling slightly. When you've been battling wholeheartedly with your weight for so long, it is difficult to just change so much, all at once.
The 12WBT is amazing and I know inside myself that this will be the key for me to kick me out of the 'club' I so long to get out of. But as much as it is brilliant, there is so much to change and that can be a little overwhelming. Mish and the other 12WBTers can only help so much. Whether you have a team of dedicated trainers at your beck and call (seriously, who does?), an encouraging husband and supportive children, or no-one at all, it doesn't really matter as it ultimately all comes down to you, and you alone to actually do it.
And that can be tough. I've been finding it tough. My old ghosts and shattered self esteem is still there - just because I'm on my way, doesn't mean I am now perfect.
I guess I've been beating myself up a bit this week. I spent my last training session and Mish's first live chat in floods of hysterical tears. Why? Please tell me, I don't know. I think I'm just overwhelmed and struggling to get rid of the demons once and for all.
So I decided to focus on the positive right now. I'm not perfect. But the things that I have done already are important and I should recognise them:
- I have lost almost 10kg in 4 weeks since making my commitment
- I have trained more than I ever have before
- I have had more light bulb moments about my weight in the last couple of months through 12WBT than I have in 15 years of extreme weight issues
- My bingeing has reduced to almost nothing. A few times I have eaten more calories than I had planned, and they have been unhealthy calories, but I have in no way gone overboard like I used to. My 'all or nothing' days seem to be disappearing
- Some days when I've been really upset, I have thought that food won't give me solace, and I've done something else or just dealt with it. This is one of the biggest things in this list. It's only happened a few times, but my gosh let's just say this is massive, as I was the World's Best Emotional Over-eater. ;)
- I've told the world - I've opened up my heart about my weight issues and goals and journey more than I have before
- I don't have one skerrick of junk food in my house and have not done since I threw it all out in pre-season (by the way this has been amazing- I now know why we were asked to do this!)
- I don't weigh myself every day like I used to - I feel relaxed knowing that it's working until I check in next Wednesday (who is this person??) :)
- I can see my measurements reducing!
- I have gotten back on the wagon straight away! I have rarely done this before! This has always been the downfall of Miss All or Nothing here. "Well now that I've slipped and had those bacon chips, I may as well have that sausage roll, family block of chocolate, 3 icecreams (ok, 4), greasy hot chips and burger that I've been craving. While I'm BAD I may as well be VERY BAD." Nope - lately I'm just jumping straight back on board. And it feels great.
- This coming week I am going to try (and achieve!) a few goals. One is getting back to kickboxing. I've been saying that I'd get back into it for 6 months now. Every week I make an excuse. Check back with me on Monday night to see that I went!
- Another goal is my Week 4 mini milestone: I am going to walk home from work: this is 8-10km and I have always 'meant' to do it. There will be no more meaning!
- And the big one is: I am going to catch a train. I haven't caught a train in almost 3 years. I am so panicked about it: people will see me being obese. I drive everywhere. But to be able to walk home from work, I need to get to work. I can drive and leave my car there overnight, but it's not very practical. So I am going to be the bravest that I've been in a while, and catch the train to work that morning, and then walk home. I'm going to catch an early train so that there are less people onboard and listen to Mish's mindset podcasts on my iPod to keep me strong. But I will do it. This is even bigger than walking home from work. I'll let you know how I go.
- I went to my first boot camp and am going again next week.
- I joined a gym.
- I was truthful with myself and decided that I didn't enjoy the gym so cancelled my membership and made a gym at home! (More on that to come).
- I am training for a triathlon and 5km run.
- I quit smoking!
- I dramatically reduced my Diet Coke addiction.
- And this is just exciting, I booked my flights to Perth for finale!!! :)
So there you have it. I thought that I was in a bad place on this journey but when I look at my last little while, I have achieved a lot for me. The journey is HUGE but if you take one step, you are on your way. And I, my friends, am on my way.
Love Coco x
THE CLUB
Hi guys :)
Firstly thank you so much for your feedback about my last post. The comments I have had have been amazing and have sincerely been appreciated. I wasn't sure how the article would be received: it was extremely raw for me to write, and it listed some private thoughts that I have never before told anyone. (Why not put them on the Internet??) ;)
But mainly I was a bit nervous because what if.........I was the only one who felt this way? I didn't think that was the case - I assumed there were other girls, and guys, who felt similar things. But I didn't know for sure. Until your comments.
People's feedback, both on here, on the 12WBT forums and in private messages made me feel a bit comforted that people felt the same as I did. There's an old cartoon I saw somewhere that had a quote: "Friendship is when you can say: 'Me too! I thought I was the only one!'".
Ok, so the comments I got aren't from friends :) but it made me think that this whole weight thing, is like a club. A secret club. It's a club that no-one ever asks to be in, but they find themselves in over a period of time. I'm not talking about all overweight people. I'm talking about the people, like me, who for one reason or another are overweight or obese, don't want to be, and find the situation sometimes too enormous to get out of.
It's a club where you find other members by the anonymity of the World Wide Web, or by locking eyes with a fellow member as you pass them on the street. "I understand...." your eyes say as you hurriedly glance away to avoid embarrassing your passerby.
It's a club that really, nobody wants to be a member of. It's a club that if you are brave, strong, and hard working enough, you can break free from. And that's the ultimate prize. Most clubs people want to get to the top - rule as a President or just relish being a part of a group. In this club, however, the aim is to escape. Escape it's clutches forever. :)
It's a club that I am a part of, and I understand. We are all in this alone, but we are ultimately together in thoughts. The maze to get out is full of obstacles, hurdles and scary fire breathing dragons at times. But as soon as we are on our way, and we realise that we are in fact, not the only ones, the road seems brighter, and the weighted backpack crushing us down seems that bit lighter.
All the best with your journeys, and let's all try to get out of this club. :)
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Written by a fat girls heart...
I understand that a lot of people don't 'get' what it feels like to be...fat. I honestly can't blame them. How can they, if they have never been fat, overweight, obese, large, big, huge, heavy, morbidly obese, before? Just the same as with anything else in life, we can't TRULY understand unless we have actually experienced it before.
Sure, there are times when we can feel similar to how someone feels, or we can try to, and there's some people who are gracious empathetic souls. But unless you've been there, unless you've gritted your nails into your Size 26 right thigh to stop you from breaking completely down when someone fractures the thin shred of what can barely be called self esteem that you were savouring, then absolutely no offence intended, you can't TRULY understand. It's ok, you haven't felt that, it's not your fault. I'm happy for you that you haven't had to feel that before!
But do you want to understand? Do you want to have a little insight? Read on. This is written by the heart of a fat girl. It's not exactly the same for every fat girl, this is just written from my heart....but it's an honest insight, if you really want to know. Don't feel sorry for me / us. That is not the intention. This is just to give you a partial look into...a fat girls heart.
IT'S THE PIPE DREAM OF BEING A BALLERINA by Coco Girl
How does it feel? It's the assumption that people describe you by your size when explaining who you are, rather than on hair colour, personality, anything else. It's the brick like weight pulling you down with every step you take - physically, and metaphorically. It's the scanning of the shop before you even enter, to determine if there are any clothes than may remotely fit. It's the not entering of said shops to avoid awkward stares from non-fat sales girls. It's the cupboard full of clothes that includes a little pile in the corner that actually fits. It's the pile of clothes that really, you would never choose if you had the choice: the oversized T-shirts to cover your hips; the cheap Size 26 3/4 pants that you are too afraid to wear because they could rip up the backside as soon as you bend over and it makes you wonder why they even made them in a big size with cheap material in the first place; the cardigans that you never button up because people may notice that 1 button is missing because you tried to hide your big stomach one day, and that would be more embarrassing than not buttoning up; the 4 pairs of staple shoes because every pair of shoes hurts.your.feet.; the fat singlets that you dream of one day not wearing; the pair of pants that is falling apart but you continue to wear it because you refuse to spend any more money on fat clothes because one day soon you won't need to wear them, and besides, you don't deserve new clothes.
It's the stretch marks that you find before hopping in the shower that make your heart sink - you thought all of yours had faded. It's the plasticine looking shoulders from when your bra straps dig into your shoulders, making you look like a Lego man with ridges. It's the deep seated panic that rises in your throat as soon as you take one step inside a shopping centre, on the street, on public transport, anywhere where there are people...people who could see how big you are...people who could stare...people who could whisper... It's the following comfort you feel as soon as you enter a safe place (your car, or your home). It's the magic of possibilities of how life would feel if you were a 'normal' weight that you allow yourself to dream of occassionally.
It's the cupboard full of clothes that range from Size 10-26. It's the little fear that you feel whenever sitting on a new chair, just in case it breaks. It's the sore tops of your feet you get when you try to put most of your weight onto one foot instead of onto chairs that you just can't be sure about. It's the one coloured bra amongst the standard black, white or skin colour that you bought in a heartbeat when you saw that a near-pretty and coloured bra was actually in your size...but it didn't really 'hold you in' when you wore it so you only wear it on washing day...and you put it on top of all of the other bras in your drawer to make you feel like you have pretty bras. It's the photos that you wish you could put up on Facebook, but you don't. It's the privacy setting you created on Facebook that means you can see which photos of you are added before accepting them to be on your profile.
It's the sadness you feel when you go to a 'dressy' event that you should feel excited about deciding what to wear. It's the uniform black pants and oversized black top that you wear to such 'dressy' events- something that your Grandmother might choose. It's the glittering earrings and dazzling hair that you spend an hour on, hoping that they will take the focus away from your black 'dressy' uniform and make people think that you actually dressed up. It's the envy you suppress when your friends glow in their bright coloured, little dresses. It's the red marks covering your body when you undress, from clothes being too tight.
It's the pretending of being very busy with your camera (it may be broken!!) so that you don't get eyeballed or dragged onto the dancefloor to dance the Time Warp. Even though you would deep inside love to. It's the hurt that you feel in every pore of your skin when you hear someone talk about your weight. It's the humiliation that you feel when someone asks you not to lean on their car, or asks you to swap seats inside their car to even out the tyre pressure. They don't always say it but you know why. It's the anger and desperation that you feel when people tell you that you need to lose weight - amidst the plain confusion as to whether they think that you are actually as dumb as fat, that you didn't realise this earlier?
It's the pure jealousy that you feel when your male friend flirts with the skinny girl at lunch and calls her cute. It's the peanut M&M's that you promise yourself later to help you feel better. It's looking upwards in photos to attempt to shield the 3 double chins that's turned into one. It's your continual '4 boobs'. It's the rings that you wear in your jewellery box because they hurt your fingers, if you can now get them on at all. It's the lie that you tell your friends that it's because of a skin condition. It's the lie that you only just realised was a lie because you only just realised the truth yourself. It's the limping when you first start to walk after sitting because your bones have had a rest and are now again in use. Ouch!
It's the shock that a friend actually physically screamed (slightly) when she saw you after a year of piling on even more kilos because she was shocked by your appearance. It's the Samboy BBQ and Chicken Twisties (large) packets that you console yourself in that night. It's the rocky road ice-cream that follows. It's the invitations you decline to parties because it's nice to have a break from the embarrassment that surrounds you. Besides, you wore your one uniform 'dressy' outfit last night. It's the Facebook profile photo that you spent 36 minutes trying to find because you needed a photo that was decent, but that people may actually believe was taken recently (when really it was taken 20kg ago). It's the food that you don't eat in public. It's the tears that sting the backs of your eyeballs throughout the day until you can release them into your pillow at night.
It's the Weight Watchers magazine that you lie face down in your shopping trolley so that people don't see that you're buying it. It's being not really sure why. It's the piercing arrow in your heart when you realise that some friends value light kilos more than your personality. It's the family sized Crunchie Cadbury block that you have in your handbag. It's the undies that roll down as soon as you take one step. It's the tissue or paperwork that you hide over the family bag of lollies that you brought to work for a morning tea snack so that people won't see. It's the laughing you do as someone picks up the little Size 8 and swings them around...when really you're just wishing that that could be you. It's the wearing dirty clothes because you forgot to wash and you only have 3 outfits that fit. But that's ok, you haven't had pride in your appearance for a while now.
It's the one favourite outfit of these 3 that makes you feel more confident - and when you actually look at what it is, you can't believe that it's your 'favourite'. It's the singlet that you have to wear under every top to attempt to hold in some of the fat rolls. It's the Googling of aeroplane seat dimensions and holding a ruler up to your backside before flying somewhere. It's the complete abandonment of train rides for 3 years because you don't fit on one seat, and the social anxiety of even standing on a train would be too much to bear. It's the honest surprise you feel when someone admits your size, or a doctor writes down "obese": "shit, they know!"
It's the 4 year old little girl who was turned away by ballet teachers because she wasn't the right size. It's the pain that you feel when your mother stops telling the story so that she doesn't hurt you but you already know. It's the same 4 year old girl who was encouraged to start school at 5 as she was the same size as the 6 year olds and she would 'fit in better' if she did. It's the deer-in-headlights humiliation you feel as someone accidentally views your 'before' photos you forgot to remove from your camera. It's the pretence to the check-out girl that you're shopping for your nephews 5th birthday party. You don't even have a nephew. It's actually for your Thursday evening snacks.
It's the pipe dream of being a ballerina. It's the relief you feel when you walk past a bigger woman on the street. Not because there's someone bigger than you, but because you know that at least one person you walked past wasn't judging you. It's the terror when you have a pain in your chest: not as much because it could be a heart attack, but because people will know it's because of your weight. It's wanting to stop parents calling their babies/kids 'piggy' - even though it's in pure endearment, if that kid also happens to grows up to be overweight, they will be hurt by this name: I know.
It's being the heaviest girl in your Grade 4 class when you learn about weight and mass. It's the laughing with your friends about having to get off the theme park water ride because your weight sunk the floating swan before you could go anywhere...laughing to mask the inside horror and humiliation. It's actually knowing what it feels like to want a floor to swallow you up after someone makes a public comment about your weight. It's the digging of your fingers into your thigh to distract you from crying. It's the grit that is now your middle name.
It's the tears that you've cried, the pain that you've eaten, the KFC that you've consoled yourself with, the humiliation that you've been opened up with and the embarrassment that you've hidden. It's the teddy that you hug to sleep each night while you can escape from being 'the fat girl' for a few hours. It's the heart that is broken in more ways than one. Hurt, and shattered from years of judgement and tears. Shattered so much, that the need for comfort and solace in food is actually bigger than the need to lose weight. It may not make sense unless you've experienced all of these things in this list, plus many more.
But.........if you're lucky, it's this broken heart that holds the HOPE and the FAITH that one day you will turn this all around as you take those first few courageous steps of your journey, towards a healthier, and in some ways more importantly, happier, you.
:)
Sure, there are times when we can feel similar to how someone feels, or we can try to, and there's some people who are gracious empathetic souls. But unless you've been there, unless you've gritted your nails into your Size 26 right thigh to stop you from breaking completely down when someone fractures the thin shred of what can barely be called self esteem that you were savouring, then absolutely no offence intended, you can't TRULY understand. It's ok, you haven't felt that, it's not your fault. I'm happy for you that you haven't had to feel that before!
But do you want to understand? Do you want to have a little insight? Read on. This is written by the heart of a fat girl. It's not exactly the same for every fat girl, this is just written from my heart....but it's an honest insight, if you really want to know. Don't feel sorry for me / us. That is not the intention. This is just to give you a partial look into...a fat girls heart.
How does it feel? It's the assumption that people describe you by your size when explaining who you are, rather than on hair colour, personality, anything else. It's the brick like weight pulling you down with every step you take - physically, and metaphorically. It's the scanning of the shop before you even enter, to determine if there are any clothes than may remotely fit. It's the not entering of said shops to avoid awkward stares from non-fat sales girls. It's the cupboard full of clothes that includes a little pile in the corner that actually fits. It's the pile of clothes that really, you would never choose if you had the choice: the oversized T-shirts to cover your hips; the cheap Size 26 3/4 pants that you are too afraid to wear because they could rip up the backside as soon as you bend over and it makes you wonder why they even made them in a big size with cheap material in the first place; the cardigans that you never button up because people may notice that 1 button is missing because you tried to hide your big stomach one day, and that would be more embarrassing than not buttoning up; the 4 pairs of staple shoes because every pair of shoes hurts.your.feet.; the fat singlets that you dream of one day not wearing; the pair of pants that is falling apart but you continue to wear it because you refuse to spend any more money on fat clothes because one day soon you won't need to wear them, and besides, you don't deserve new clothes.
It's the stretch marks that you find before hopping in the shower that make your heart sink - you thought all of yours had faded. It's the plasticine looking shoulders from when your bra straps dig into your shoulders, making you look like a Lego man with ridges. It's the deep seated panic that rises in your throat as soon as you take one step inside a shopping centre, on the street, on public transport, anywhere where there are people...people who could see how big you are...people who could stare...people who could whisper... It's the following comfort you feel as soon as you enter a safe place (your car, or your home). It's the magic of possibilities of how life would feel if you were a 'normal' weight that you allow yourself to dream of occassionally.
It's the cupboard full of clothes that range from Size 10-26. It's the little fear that you feel whenever sitting on a new chair, just in case it breaks. It's the sore tops of your feet you get when you try to put most of your weight onto one foot instead of onto chairs that you just can't be sure about. It's the one coloured bra amongst the standard black, white or skin colour that you bought in a heartbeat when you saw that a near-pretty and coloured bra was actually in your size...but it didn't really 'hold you in' when you wore it so you only wear it on washing day...and you put it on top of all of the other bras in your drawer to make you feel like you have pretty bras. It's the photos that you wish you could put up on Facebook, but you don't. It's the privacy setting you created on Facebook that means you can see which photos of you are added before accepting them to be on your profile.
It's the sadness you feel when you go to a 'dressy' event that you should feel excited about deciding what to wear. It's the uniform black pants and oversized black top that you wear to such 'dressy' events- something that your Grandmother might choose. It's the glittering earrings and dazzling hair that you spend an hour on, hoping that they will take the focus away from your black 'dressy' uniform and make people think that you actually dressed up. It's the envy you suppress when your friends glow in their bright coloured, little dresses. It's the red marks covering your body when you undress, from clothes being too tight.
It's the pretending of being very busy with your camera (it may be broken!!) so that you don't get eyeballed or dragged onto the dancefloor to dance the Time Warp. Even though you would deep inside love to. It's the hurt that you feel in every pore of your skin when you hear someone talk about your weight. It's the humiliation that you feel when someone asks you not to lean on their car, or asks you to swap seats inside their car to even out the tyre pressure. They don't always say it but you know why. It's the anger and desperation that you feel when people tell you that you need to lose weight - amidst the plain confusion as to whether they think that you are actually as dumb as fat, that you didn't realise this earlier?
It's the pure jealousy that you feel when your male friend flirts with the skinny girl at lunch and calls her cute. It's the peanut M&M's that you promise yourself later to help you feel better. It's looking upwards in photos to attempt to shield the 3 double chins that's turned into one. It's your continual '4 boobs'. It's the rings that you wear in your jewellery box because they hurt your fingers, if you can now get them on at all. It's the lie that you tell your friends that it's because of a skin condition. It's the lie that you only just realised was a lie because you only just realised the truth yourself. It's the limping when you first start to walk after sitting because your bones have had a rest and are now again in use. Ouch!
It's the shock that a friend actually physically screamed (slightly) when she saw you after a year of piling on even more kilos because she was shocked by your appearance. It's the Samboy BBQ and Chicken Twisties (large) packets that you console yourself in that night. It's the rocky road ice-cream that follows. It's the invitations you decline to parties because it's nice to have a break from the embarrassment that surrounds you. Besides, you wore your one uniform 'dressy' outfit last night. It's the Facebook profile photo that you spent 36 minutes trying to find because you needed a photo that was decent, but that people may actually believe was taken recently (when really it was taken 20kg ago). It's the food that you don't eat in public. It's the tears that sting the backs of your eyeballs throughout the day until you can release them into your pillow at night.
It's the Weight Watchers magazine that you lie face down in your shopping trolley so that people don't see that you're buying it. It's being not really sure why. It's the piercing arrow in your heart when you realise that some friends value light kilos more than your personality. It's the family sized Crunchie Cadbury block that you have in your handbag. It's the undies that roll down as soon as you take one step. It's the tissue or paperwork that you hide over the family bag of lollies that you brought to work for a morning tea snack so that people won't see. It's the laughing you do as someone picks up the little Size 8 and swings them around...when really you're just wishing that that could be you. It's the wearing dirty clothes because you forgot to wash and you only have 3 outfits that fit. But that's ok, you haven't had pride in your appearance for a while now.
It's the one favourite outfit of these 3 that makes you feel more confident - and when you actually look at what it is, you can't believe that it's your 'favourite'. It's the singlet that you have to wear under every top to attempt to hold in some of the fat rolls. It's the Googling of aeroplane seat dimensions and holding a ruler up to your backside before flying somewhere. It's the complete abandonment of train rides for 3 years because you don't fit on one seat, and the social anxiety of even standing on a train would be too much to bear. It's the honest surprise you feel when someone admits your size, or a doctor writes down "obese": "shit, they know!"
It's the 4 year old little girl who was turned away by ballet teachers because she wasn't the right size. It's the pain that you feel when your mother stops telling the story so that she doesn't hurt you but you already know. It's the same 4 year old girl who was encouraged to start school at 5 as she was the same size as the 6 year olds and she would 'fit in better' if she did. It's the deer-in-headlights humiliation you feel as someone accidentally views your 'before' photos you forgot to remove from your camera. It's the pretence to the check-out girl that you're shopping for your nephews 5th birthday party. You don't even have a nephew. It's actually for your Thursday evening snacks.
It's the pipe dream of being a ballerina. It's the relief you feel when you walk past a bigger woman on the street. Not because there's someone bigger than you, but because you know that at least one person you walked past wasn't judging you. It's the terror when you have a pain in your chest: not as much because it could be a heart attack, but because people will know it's because of your weight. It's wanting to stop parents calling their babies/kids 'piggy' - even though it's in pure endearment, if that kid also happens to grows up to be overweight, they will be hurt by this name: I know.
It's being the heaviest girl in your Grade 4 class when you learn about weight and mass. It's the laughing with your friends about having to get off the theme park water ride because your weight sunk the floating swan before you could go anywhere...laughing to mask the inside horror and humiliation. It's actually knowing what it feels like to want a floor to swallow you up after someone makes a public comment about your weight. It's the digging of your fingers into your thigh to distract you from crying. It's the grit that is now your middle name.
It's the tears that you've cried, the pain that you've eaten, the KFC that you've consoled yourself with, the humiliation that you've been opened up with and the embarrassment that you've hidden. It's the teddy that you hug to sleep each night while you can escape from being 'the fat girl' for a few hours. It's the heart that is broken in more ways than one. Hurt, and shattered from years of judgement and tears. Shattered so much, that the need for comfort and solace in food is actually bigger than the need to lose weight. It may not make sense unless you've experienced all of these things in this list, plus many more.
But.........if you're lucky, it's this broken heart that holds the HOPE and the FAITH that one day you will turn this all around as you take those first few courageous steps of your journey, towards a healthier, and in some ways more importantly, happier, you.
:)
Saturday, 16 June 2012
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
CHECKIN' IN...
Hi there :) I've been a bit quiet this week I'm sorry. I've had a not so great week and have had a few things taking up my time and focus. But I feel the need to write so here goes - (and warning, this will be a gamut of random thoughts in no particular order)....
I've had a down day today but am really proud that I haven't turned to food once! Usually by now I'd be head deep into a bag of M&M's with a side of BBQ chips with KFC on top. But no, I've stuck to my planned food, am within calories, am craving my 12WBT meal for tonight (I'm waiting on my groceries to be delivered, I couldn't afford to buy them before today) and on top of that I've done my 5 planned walks. They were mostly incidental too - which are the best, as it doesn't feel like you're wasting time. I haven't gone through my training files yet but I think I probably walked about 8km all up. Yay me!
I had a bit of a lapse late last week. I made some incorrect food choices. They weren't terrible and there were positives out of it.
1) The first one was when I had a wrap organised for lunch. I was so hungry that morning and I knew it wouldn't fill me up. I ate it at 11am (I usually eat lunch around 12pm). I knew that I'd still want more, so I went to get some sushi (my current guilty pleasure). I still counted cals but really, it wasn't exactly on my food plan ;) But the good thing is that I didn't fall apart after that moment (usually I would see that as stuffing up (not being perfect) and I would gorge on everything else in site (and not out of site!) I just continued with my planned dinner etc.
2) The next day I had my 1st red flag lunch. It was just lunch at a hotel/pub with a workmate. I knew the menu quite well and there were lower cal options I could have chosen and had planned to. However when we sat down I thought "you know, I want a burger and chips!" So, I ordered a burger and chips! It wasn't a terrible meal, it was a steak sandwich and I took note of the ingredients to count approximate cals later - but it wasn't the best option I could have chosen. Especially the chips! I ate some chips, maybe half of them, and I didn't finish the steak sandwich on purpose. Small win following a bad decision.
3) That afternoon I was pretty down about some work issues I have. I had what I call "Coco Night" that night. Coco Night is basically where I sit down for a couple of hours and watch TV or a DVD. I try to do it once a week. It's the only time I sit down and do nothing, and it's to help with my stress levels. I have to put my phone on silent too, and I just veg. I don't watch TV any other time, even though it's a favourite activity for me. Anyway - I've missed the last couple of weeks so I was determined to make it happen this night. Coco Night in the past has always (of course) included a vast array of junk food to accompany me. This was my first Coco Night I've had since making my commitment! I decided I wanted a packet of chips to eat while in front of the TV. I decided to do it and count the calories to make up for it. I cleaned out my kitchen of junk during pre-season, so I consciously went to the shops, and bought a 180g (big) packet of chips! To be honest I didn't even want them as much in the end, and only ate around half. The next day I ate more, because they were in the kitchen still. I kept them for some friends who were coming over - I thought they could eat them instead of them going in the bin. I put the chips out and guess who ended up eating most of them!
4) These few days I had also slacked off pretty much completely with my training. I was sad and down on myself, and the JFDI / commitment fire within me wasn't burning bright.
So because of that, that afternoon I was feeling frustrated and very out of control. So I sat down and worked out numbers wise (I'm a very big numbers person). I worked out that I had stuffed up about 13000 calories in the past 2-3 weeks (too many calories in most days, the blowouts, and also slack training). I thought about it rationally, and thought well I can make myself feel better by getting rid of 13000 more calories! I didn't want to skimp on food for a week, that could be more detrimental. I knew there was only one way, so I put my shoes on, jumped on my treadmill, and trained pretty much non stop for about 22 hours! (With a 7 hour break for sleeping). By the next afternoon I had burnt just over 4000 calories. And it was hard to get to that number! I decided to try to get to the 13000 was probably dumb and fairly impossible without really burning myself out.
Since then I've just gone on with my normal planned calories in vs calories out and I'm ok. I still have stuffed up 9000 calories over 2-3 weeks but I'm just going to have to let that one slide and treat it as a learning experience and move on. This is hard for me! But it's the only way. In saying that though, I've still lost about 8kg over the 3 weeks! Tomorrow morning is weigh in so I won't know till then, but I did a sneaky weigh in this morning (honestly, it was my 1st sneaky one all week which is a record for me!) and as of this morning I'd lost a total of 7.5kg. I've been losing about 500g a day or so most days so I think by tomorrow I may have lost 8kg. Maybe not, it's just a prediction :)
Anyyyyyyway. This post wasn't as random as I thought! I have a lot of other stuff happening and things I want to write about, but for now I feel better after writing this out, about my stuff up and turn around. I'm proud of how I handled the set backs. One of my commitment points was that I promised that I would not be perfect. That has been the best point I have made so far, as that is what is seeing me through. I'm not perfect! I had minor stuff ups and I fixed them as best I could, but the best thing is, I haven't quit because I wan't perfect. There's a lot to be said for persistance.... :)
Till later,
Cocooooooo x
Monday, 4 June 2012
A SIGNIFICANT FIRST: My 1st boot camp
A SIGNIFICANT FIRST: My 1st boot camp
I've
been busy getting prepared for today, and have been feeling really
positive about it. I can't believe the mindset changes that I am
already experiencing! Also, I did something yesterday that I am SO
proud of: I did my 1st boot camp! I got out of bed EARLY on a SUNDAY after a late party the night before - IN THE POURING RAIN - and went! I
was so many times tempted to go back to bed but I JFDI and turned up.
When I arrived I was standing behind Ange, one of the trainers, as she
welcomed everyone, and I was blinking back tears. I think because I
felt so far out my comfort zone, and the other girls (and a couple of
guys) looked like they were pros, most were skinnier than me) and I was
scared and I knew this was a big moment for me. But I did it! I pretty much kept up with everyone too which was a bonus! My form was crap and I wasn't able to do the advanced versions of everything, but I did everything and I am immensely proud. And today, immensely in pain! Everythingggggg huuuuurts! But in a great way :)
The training group from yesterday: a rainy PIP. Photo by Leisa Bye
THE START OF A JOURNEY...AN AMAZING JOURNEY
THE START OF A JOURNEY...AN AMAZING JOURNEY
And we're off! As Mish quoted Dr. Seuss this morning: "Congratulations - today is your day - you're off to great places - you're off and away!" I'm so excited that 12WBT has officially started. I've been in the 12WBT mind set for a little while now, but today just feels special :) I made my first 12WBT meal this morning, apple muesli. It was my first time eating muesli too!
To celebrate the official start of the round, I thought I would put my commitment up here for all to see. I made this commitment to some very special people (who are listed) just a couple of weeks ago, on the 23rd May 2012. It took me about 2 hours to write, 1 week to get the courage to, and 15 years to get the knowledge/belief to. It's special to me so I want to share it on here.
MY COMMITMENT:
And we're off! As Mish quoted Dr. Seuss this morning: "Congratulations - today is your day - you're off to great places - you're off and away!" I'm so excited that 12WBT has officially started. I've been in the 12WBT mind set for a little while now, but today just feels special :) I made my first 12WBT meal this morning, apple muesli. It was my first time eating muesli too!
To celebrate the official start of the round, I thought I would put my commitment up here for all to see. I made this commitment to some very special people (who are listed) just a couple of weeks ago, on the 23rd May 2012. It took me about 2 hours to write, 1 week to get the courage to, and 15 years to get the knowledge/belief to. It's special to me so I want to share it on here.
MY COMMITMENT:
- To lose 83kg by my 32nd birthday (I have now changed this to Christmas (instead of January))
- To lose 76kg by Christmas (I have now changed this to 83kg)
- To lose 35kg by the end of Round 2 12WBT (I have now changed this to 36kg)
- To reassess these numbers closer to the time if needed from a health point of view
- To give myself the opportunity to be happy within myself again
- To admit to myself that I've been watching life from the sidelines
- To not be perfect
- To stop this 15 year cycle of eating disorders and up and down weight
- To stop emotional eating, overeating and binge eating
- To stick to the rules (mine and Mish's)
- To get back on the ride the next day when I stuff up (I say when, because I am not perfect)
- To feel my emotions and not eat them
- To stop my addiction to food, and to instead treat food as a fuel
- To take pride in my appearance again
- To work on bettering those imperfect areas of my life and bad habits
- To be the best version of myself that I can be
- To do this for life - the weight goals have a timeframed goal that I have committed to, but once I get there, the way that I eat and train will continue
- To run 5km in 2012
- To do my triathlon in 2012
- To run a half marathon or full marathon in 2013
- To put myself first
- To take care of my body
- To not give up
- To stand up again EVERY time I fall
- To stop sabotaging myself
- To keep learning and continually work to better my mindset about food
- To stop drama's in my life equalling an increased calorie intake
- To work my hardest on these goals and my other goals
- To not feel deprived
- To do what needs to be done to make this happen
- To love the good times and just roll with the punches
- To keep on keeping on
- To be honest with myself
- To be kind to myself
- To believe in myself
- To be Super Girl
- To be ok with being scared about this, and to realise that this journey will be hard from time to time, but that is ok and I will get through it, because it is worth it and I am worth it
- I commit this to myself, my supportive family, Mish, my friends and my 30+ crew. But most importantly, to myself
- I commit to and WILL do the work to get me there and to continue.
The journey has begun :)
Love Coco xo
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