I'm sitting on my bed, laptop on lap, fan on, surrounded by running gadgets: my Polar, FitBit, running light, a cap, socks, my iPod, a bag of lollies, a bib, my license, $30 cash, Body Glide, headphones and more....because in 1 hour and 57 minutes I'll be at the Start Line of my 5th half marathon.AND I AM FREAKING OUT.
I am seriously so nervous that I considered not going. If I hadn't paid for the entry and was any less stubborn (trying to stick to my planned list for the year), I wouldn't be going.
But I will.
During the week the fear has been derived from just how I am normally. It doesn't matter
how many runs I do, I always don't believe I can do it. My last half was just 8 weeks ago. I know I can do this! How many runs will it take?
But over the last couple of days, I've been worried about something even more worse.
I think I'm going to be last - again.
And again, please don't shoot me down for being scared about this. I wrote here ages ago to explain why it's such a big thing for me. It's not being last that has me worried, it's
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| Testing out my Body Glide today! |
And it's so embarrassing. So, so embarrassing.
The reason I'm pretty worried about this is because out of my previous halfs, 3 of them there was a marathon happening at the same time - so I blended in with the marathoners because I take so long. No-one could tell which event I was running.
But the other half I did, the half marathon was the longest distance of the day, so it was very obvious that I was one of the last few left on the course.
It's the same today - the half is the biggest run...
I've never thought of doing this before but I've been so worried that I even looked to see if I
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| My breakfast and stuff laid out for today |
I just don't want to be embarrassed... :(
On a positive note, last year I did this event I did the 10km, and now I'm back doing the half. And on another positive note, unless we have another freak of nature incident, nothing can be worse than last years run.
I have no idea how I'll keep my wits about me ... but, all I can do is try.
Here I go :(
I totally get where you are coming from. I can run 5kms now, but I'm slow and I always apologise when I'm running with a buddy and tell them to go on without me. I have to run slow to make the distance. The thing is I checked on the ap I use and slowly but surely my average pace is improving.
ReplyDeleteKate, for those of us who have never run before - we have to start somewhere! And the only way either of us will get any faster or finish any earlier is by doing the training and putting in the hours. We are doing that (mostly) so as long as we can be patient the hard work will pay off in time. Being last doesn't mean you lose. Being last doesn't mean you haven't still worked your ass off to be where you are - running a fricking half marathon! None of what I'm saying will change how you feel. Unfortunately our brains don't change as fast as our bodies. We might have lost 40-50 (40 me 50 you)kgs but my head certainly doesn't think like I should at the weight I am...and I'm sure you have those moments too. Years and years of self doubt and embarassment don't just disappear when we lose weight, we have to work through it and see ourselves differently.
You are an amazing and inspiring woman - and I bet you did one hell of a run tonight!! Keep doing what you are doing. Keep running. Keep blogging and one day you'll wake up before a marathon and you'll realise you are worried about being last anymore. xxxx
I can understand what you are saying, but Kate, I don't think I've yet turned up to a run where ever entrant turned up. So you will NEVER be last, the ones that entered but don't make it to the start line, they're the ones who were last across the finish line. You are there, you are moving, you are alive!
ReplyDeleteCarol
www.finding-carol.blogspot.com
PS you rocked the race!
ReplyDeleteJess
Yep I'm with Carol. You've already beaten everyone who stayed home on the couch. Hope you had a good run & are recovering with a smile on your dial!!!!!
ReplyDeletePS i do get the anxiety factor though - it's a hard bugger to defeat.