Dear Diary

I've been a bit on the quiet front lately...in all areas of my life, and especially in communication and social media.  Friends and strangers have been asking if I'm ok.  It's been going on for a few weeks and I realised just this week what my issue is.  Which is how I came to blog today.  This blog post is mostly for myself, to work out things by writing.  And it's a little bit for the 1% of my friends who know about this blog.  And, by default, as always, it's wholeheartedly for my loyal readers, to have a further view, from the outside in, of the weird and wonderful, wacky and whimsical life of Kate...

~~~

Many years ago, I was living and working in The Philippines.  One night, very late at night (well actually, very early the next morning), I had an issue with a boyfriend.  After all of the drama of the night, I ended up by myself, in my room, devastated and crying my heart out.  I was in a bad state and needed to talk to someone, badly.  

Yet, I felt like I had no-one.  Despite the fact I was living in a hotel with about 20 close work friends living in 20 of the other hotel rooms, and I even had a flatmate in my own hotel apartment; it was so late at night/early in the morning, that I didn't feel it was appropriate to wake them up just because I was having a tough night.  And worse yet, my family and friends were all the way back in Australia, where it was an even more inappropriate time to call.  I felt like I couldn't get in touch with ANYONE.  It was moreso about accessibility rather than actual people. I'll never forget that feeling - from a purely circumstantial place, I had never felt more alone in my life.

And that is how I feel right now.

Not lonely - but alone.  Don't get me wrong.  I am the most blessed person I know, when it comes to support.  I have the most incredible family - they would attempt to get federal clearance to fly a plane across Australia to be by my side when they thought I needed them. And you think I'm joking... (Yes, this once happened).

And my friends, I have literally hundreds of friends.  Literally hundreds - of who I am close to, who would give me the shoes off their feet.  (Again, yes literally) :)  When I say I am the luckiest girl in the world, it's not just a saying, it's actually true.

Even lovely strangers who follow me on social media, I get sent messages and presents (!) pretty much daily, giving me support.  (The messages are daily, not the presents - although that would be cool! haha!) :P

Yet I can't tell anyone about what's been going on.  And that ---- is my issue. :(

Ever heard the saying of feeling lonely in a crowded room?  It's kind of like that.  But I'm not lonely - whatsoever.  It's just that all of the things that have been happening lately, circumstances mean I can't talk - to anyone!  I'm surrounded by the beautiful world, yet I can't talk to anyone in the world.

And it's friggin hard.

Usually when stuff happens, even if I don't feel like talking, I can at least offload here on my blog or Instagram.  But lately, nope.  That's what I've been struggling with.  What's been happening isn't that huge, really.  But what is huge, is that I don't feel I can let it all out, even on my blog.  Blogging is cheap therapy for me - it's a documentation keepsake for myself - but day in, day out, it helps me sort things out in my mind, and allows me to offload and move on.  So when I feel like I can't talk about it even on my blog, or tell not one person, that's what's been eating me up inside.

I hope this post doesn't sound too dramatic - my posts often do...  I am fine.  I will be ok.  But I have been quiet because I haven't been able to be as open as I usually am - AND THAT IS HARD.  Like the boyfriend issue from years ago when I felt alone even though I was practically living with 20 of my friends - yup, it's like that.  Despite having a million listening ears, my tongue is tied and my hands are bound and I can only wish I could talk.  

This post isn't meant to be hurtful to any of my friends if they happen to read this.  Me not talking is simply circumstantial constraints, it's not through lack of desperately wanting to.  And as much as I bare all on my blog, my baring all, is, at any point, about such a small fraction of my life - and this stuff falls into a category I can't talk about.

So what am I meant to do?  I've just been coping as best I can, until this week where I decided I am going to go nuts if I don't write this out somewhere.  So even though this post explains nothing, and effectively is one of this annoying 'alluding to something without saying what it is' posts (urgh!  Hate those posts!), I feel so much better for saying something.  I need to write before I move past things, so just know that this is a step in the right direction for me - even though I'm not actually saying anything :)

To brighten this post up a bit (and change the subject!), here's some pictures of me at the International Womens Day Fun Run this morning.  It was my 6th out of the 24 planned running events I have this year, and my first event in about 6 weeks.  I have missed them!  It was yet another run where I don't believe I can do it, yet I get there...and then I do it. #ifrustratemyself

But it was a great morning.  My next event is in 5 sleeps so I don't have too much longer to wait - and it's one of my favourite events also :)

Thanks for reading x

Don't mind the sweat patch...