:(

Most mini milestones I achieve don't have such a sad title when I post about them!

I did one of my weekly mini milestones (W.M.M) today - so that is a good thing - it's ticked off!  But at the same time it was a little upsetting and I think I'll feel better if I lament briefly on here.  Please bear with me as a lot of this post will just simply be me whingeing and sad, to get it off my chest.

One of my W.M.M's for the round was to try a different parkrun:

I think it was one of my W.M.M's from a few rounds ago, just carried over.  I'm very good at procrastinating.  This round I'm trying so hard to do "all the things" and just try to get right into everything, to get me solidly back on course.  So I'm actually 'doing' my goals / challenges / milestones now!  Fancy that! :)

Last week I planned to try out Stones Corner parkrun.  But as I shared at the time, I turned over and went back to sleep and ended up being disappointed at myself for the rest of the day.  So my friend Courtney offered to meet me there this morning, to make sure I got out of bed this week.  As much as I cursed her early this morning, I am very grateful because I absolutely know that I would have gone back to sleep if she wasn't going to be there, as I was so tired.

So look, there's not much to tell: I did it.  I completed it and got a time, and I can now tick Stones Corner parkrun and my Week 4 mini milestone off my list.

But it was a bit upsetting doing it.

Just because I couldn't run. :(  Not running is not a new thing for me...!  And of all the times for me to be upset, it's the week I get the green light to run again, as per my last post.

So I don't know why it got to me so much.  I felt good when I got there.  Courts was there, I realised my friend from Year 1 was the race director, her sister was also there, and then my friend Dean from work appeared.  It was so nice to see them all and I felt at home.

We started off fine. I stuck to the back, and out to the side, staying out of the way to give every single person the widest berth to start their run / walk.  

I soon realised my heart rate monitor is still playing up.  It drives me crazy! :(  I'd gone back to my Polar as my Garmin was playing up and significantly showing the wrong heart rate.  My Polar was fine for about a week, but since it's gotten progressively worse.  It goes from say 114 (correct), to 00, to 54, to 114, and back down to 00.  It's quite old now which is probably why.  Throughout the last few weeks, I've also actually completely lost my Garmin, so I can't even go back and retry that.  I've misplaced it as well as the strap.  My house is ridiculously tidy so I don't even have any clues as to where it could be either.

"Anxiety tunnels"

Anyway...so I walked along realising I'd have to estimate my cals for today.  I then remembered that these bike/walk ways have a few short tunnels throughout.  I always get anxious walking or running through tunnels.  They're not that long, and they'd only fill with water during really bad flooding.  But I'm a bit claustrophobic and I've had a couple of childhood incidents in under road tunnels / drains.  There's a few such tunnels around Brisbane where I exercise - I always just go underneath, but each time I get so anxious.

Anyway, I got through the "anxiety tunnels" and soon after, the parkrunners started coming back, the other way.  I was really impressed with how polite they were - pretty much every person kept to their side of the narrow path - they were great.  But seeing runners come back when I'm walking is just so crushing.  I hated it.  I wanted to be on their side of the path.  I kept walking, keeping my head high (for myself, no-one else cared of course) and trying to ignore them.  

I glanced behind me and saw the high vis'd parkrun volunteer who trails the last runners, about 200m behind me.  I was completely last.  Not that it matters - don't yell at me, I know.  But it still doesn't make you feel very good to see that when you're already not feeling very good about yourself.

Deano was in the top ten or so.  I'm always so proud of him and got my camera out as I saw he was about to run past.  He put his hand out to high 5 me, and it completely made my day as the literal moment before, I was starting to get upset:

This pic's going in my grateful jar for today

I kept walking, and started to realise that my knee was niggling a bit.  Just very slightly, to the point I couldn't tell for sure if it was actually sore or not.

As more and more runners, and then walkers, came back against me (against my direction), it started hitting home more about how much not running just completely sux.  I miss it so much!  I hate not being able to do it anyway, but seeing runners in the same event as me, run, makes it really real.

Taken by my on course personal photographer

Courtney ran past me too and we took photos of each other - love her :)

As I reached the turn around sign, 2.5km in, I realised that yes, my knee was in fact niggling, and starting to get a bit sore.  So then I started getting sad, wondering if my running comeback will in fact be in 1-2 weeks time.  If it's still sore while walking....?  

I kept walking, now heading back to the start, thankful now that I wouldn't have to pass any more parkrunners.

I tried to not push my speed, to alleviate my knee as much as possible.

Just to add to my self esteem, I walked past someone I used to work with who I'm pretty sure ignored me.

And then --- an older lady tried to stop me to ask if I had noticed that the cafe I had just walked past, was open.

It was such a weird moment!  My initial thought was that I was flabbergasted that she did this and on the inside, I was (kindly) wild: "can she not see I am in the middle of an event??  You don't stop people during runs!  I'm being timed!  O.M.G!"

But the thing was, I wasn't running....................to her, I was just out for a walk, and it was completely appropriate for her to ask me this.  But in my mind, I'm a runner, and that's why I was so shocked that she tried to stop me.  It really brought home for me how slow I am...I've never been stopped for 'directions' before, mid event. :(

Can't even walk fast

As much as I was 'yelling' on the inside, I was of course kind and answered her.  But I didn't stop walking.  I feel so bad about that - if I was in fact just strolling along, I would have usually completely stopped and given her 120% of my attention and asked her how her day was.

But in the moment, I was in the middle of an event.  A moment before I had looked at my watch and wondered if I could break the 50min. mark.  So even though I didn't do it for time, I still felt like I was on the watch.

I kind of had to walk on the spot as she seemed to want to stop and talk, but I spoke as long as I could and gave her the information while smiling and continued walking.

So then I felt like a bad human being for not stopping to have a big chat.  It felt so weird - someone on the outside seeing me walking, but on the inside me having a runners mentality and not understanding why they couldn't see that.... :)

Just to top the event off, I went through the anxiety tunnels again, and started to see the

Bringing it home hard (not)

finish site up ahead.

Courts and Dean both waited for me which meant so much.  I finished with a time of 56:07, 192nd out of 192. ;)

I decided to lay off training for the rest of the day to rest my knee.  (I was just going to do a little more).  I haven't had a full or partial injury caused rest days in almost 3 weeks so that's pretty good.

Now that I write it out, it's not actually that bad.... This morning though, I was pretty upset.  It's just one of those days where it hits you harder than others that you're frustrated.  I've been so patient but I do have the occasional day like this morning.  I just hope the slight niggle / pain isn't a bad sign...I'll find out in 1-2 weeks time when I go for my first Bambi style run.

Court and I after parkrun