Saturday, 21 December 2013

My First Bra. Well actually, My First Pair of Shorts. Pretty much the same thing!

There comes a time in every young girls life when she wears her first bra.

And there comes a time in every ex morbidly obese adults life when she wears a pair of shorts for the first time, in public.

Pretty much the same thing. Both experiences are racked with a zillion emotions and indescribable fear, trepidation and total overwhelm-ment. 

I wrote a diary entry when I was about 12 titled "My First Bra". And here I am writing a blog post about my first pair of adult shorts. 


The bra entry had me sticky-taping the tag from said first bra into my diary....this entry will just have a lot of selfies.

Oh yes indeedy that is where I'm up to in this weight loss adventure of a million milestones: My first pair of shorts.

I started the story in my last post about how the shorts came about in the first place and about failed Attempt #1 of wearing them. I said I'd try again the next day.
Trying to get confidence in my bedroom

Well the next day (yesterday), was boot camp - just a normal, regular session - and actually our last regular session of 2013. I've been training with this group for so long and I feel so comfortable there that I decided that if anyone's going to have to see me exercise in public in tiny pink shorts, then this is the group to try it out on. My first time needed to be in a safe space. :)

I woke up pretty confident and put the shorts on. I pulled at them and inspected them and took selfies in my bedroom of them and studied them. Then before I could let myself change my mind, I left the house and drove myself to boot camp. I didn't know if I could do it so I brought along 3 different length pairs of 'emergency pants' to put on at any stage if I decided I couldn't carry through with Operation Wear Shorts For The First Time.

Not believing the sight of myself in shorts
I arrived and tried to be strong despite me being so overwhelmed. We started boot camp and I tried to tell myself that they were fine. I truly felt like I was training in my undies! They are so short that I may as well have been! I was incredibly self conscious and spent so much time pulling at them and touching them and fixing them each time they rode up, but I powered through.

I'd like to say it was liberating but that only kicked in after the fact. At the time I was just anxious and self conscious and feeling like I was naked on a soccer field.

Oh dear, here I go
I'm making out like this is The Hugest Deal in the world. I know it's not - you know I write dramatically - but really - this was still a big thing for me. This represented body image self confidence - of which I have had zero for as long as I can remember. When you're Size 28 (like I was just last year), you don't wear shorts. You cover up everything you can. You cower. You hide behind your hair! YOU DO NOT WEAR LITTLE SHORTS IN PUBLIC.

I'm just trying this whole thing right now. Finding my own place and trying to gain confidence to do all of those little things that I will never take for granted, because I spent 16 years feeling like I didn't deserve to be seen in public.

Anyway, I did it :) I wore them for the whole session and as hard as I found it, I didn't let myself resort to emergency pants. I think they'll be better suited to running - boot camp has a lot of moves like burpees and squats that maybe aren't too nice for Kate in little shorts :) I didn't think that one through too well. You live and learn.... I powered through the session anyway. But running should be better. That'll be my next challenge.

But for now, I'm really proud that I've worn them. It was a huge deal but now that it's done, the next time should be better. And the time after that and after that and that.

When I wore my first bra I felt like everyone could tell and it didn't feel right - it felt weird and strange and I didn't like it much. I guess it's similar for the little shorts after losing weight. I'm not used to them just yet, but I'll get there.

Improving my body image / self confidence, one day at a time. :)


1 comment:

  1. well done on the short wearing excursion!!! you look great in them :0)