Well it's been 18 months now of having a blog in the public domain so I guess it was inevitable to eventually happen: dealing with negativity. I've been fairly lucky. Until recently, apart from anyone maybe speaking behind my back, the closest I've come to negativity was some guy named Trevor elegantly pointing out that my "tits had gone" under a before and after of me that 12WBT posted on their Facebook page. Thanks for pointing that out, classy Trev. You sound hot.
That's all I've had. That's as bad as it's gotten.
Until recently. I wasn't going to say anything publicly, because that's just not me. No, it's not sweeping it under the carpet, or burying my head in the sand, or wearing rose coloured glasses. Despite what some people think, I can see everything quite clearly. I just choose not to let on and waste my time with those on that level. And I wear pink sunnies coz I think they're pretty. That's the only reason.
I just don't see the point of bringing stuff up. And anyway - don't they tell you at school to ignore the bullies, don't give them the satisfaction of seeing they've upset you, coz that's what they thrive on? Does the same go for when you're an adult, when instead of it being in a playground, it's behind the safe confinements of a keyboard?
There's no rulebook in life, so as with anything, we try and deal with things as best we can. I was going to leave it, I started dealing with it my own way. But after one friend, who is so supportive she makes my heart physically ache, posted on behalf of me and some of my friends behalfs today, I decided to say something. I don't want it to seem like she has to do all of the standing. And also - maybe - one day - there might be someone who has the unfortunate experience to go through similar, and this post might make them feel less alone. Who knows.
Recently there were some comments made, both publicly and privately, which were not very nice. I'm not going to say any more than that. If I do, I fear I'll be down at their level and besides, unlike some, I try my best not to hurt people. I won't go into it, the comments can remain on the screenshots we have saved.
Instead, as an adult, I'm going to tell you how this feels.
When I was in primary school I got chased. I got thrown to the ground. I got my head held down, pushed into snow and ice, suffocating me while someone else jumped on my back and kicked me. One day I had a gang of kids march me out of school grounds, yelling and mocking through the streets of the village where I lived until I escaped. I had bloody noses from being kicked in the face. On a couple of occasions I ran from the girls bathrooms where they had followed me into and tried to grab me through locked cubicle doors, all the way home to find my mum as I couldn't find protection in the school. (Hey, maybe that's where my running started?) For a while, I got pinned up against walls in the school corridor and punched, on a daily basis.
This feels worse.
What was written isn't funny, it's not smart, and it certainly isn't true. There's a name for what was written, and it's called cyber bullying, and it's down right cruel.
They say that what bullies and trolls write, says much more about them, and while this is definitely true, I wonder if they truly understand just how much their brave words can affect those they're targeted at. You may suggest they don't care. Maybe they don't. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that they actually do. That sticks and stones rhyme? It was wrong. Words can hurt. They can hurt very much. I'm not going to be all fake and pretend like they don't. Maybe we can tell 8 year olds that names can never hurt them. But when we do, we're lying. They can sting - bad. They can crumble the strongest of people in a flash. Let's just say that as a result of this, I have a new found understanding and respect for Charlotte Dawson... YES, that's what I mean. That is how deep words can be felt. I know - my reaction shocked me too.
I've wasted enough time with this - late night chats with equally as hurt friends, answering Inbox and posts from supportive angels, 10min. of the finale group workout in tears because a beautiful someone tried to pep me up, two hours writing this blog post....wayyyyyyy too much of my time so I'll try to be brief so that I can move on. Move on with losing weight, which is all that this journey has been about.
I will not change who I am, I will continue writing honestly and living truthfully, because I don't know any other way how. When this girl -----> see picture on the right -----> started losing weight, it was not for anyone other than me. And that is still the case. If I was losing weight for someone else, I would have stopped ages ago. I take 400000 selfies of every event I do for a few reasons:
1) I am obsessed with photos. My mum nicknamed me Katie Kodak when I got my first camera at 13 and I've just gotten worse. This habit formed pre-full blown puberty and weight issues. It's pretty ingrained and aint going anywhere soon, I'm sorry to say.
2) Seriously? Have you seen the length of my blog posts? If I didn't have photos to break up the novels I write, people would seriously hate me.
3) Because - every single one of the 400000 selfies I take represents every single time I hid behind poles in nightclubs because I felt I was too fat to be physically seen. For every single time I sadly had to 'Hide' a photo posted on my Facebook profile and not share what I had been doing, because I was too ashamed for people to see how fat I was. For every single time I took 50 selfies of myself until I thought I got a decent one, only to look back, crushed, and realise I looked just as huge as the other 49 and I was kidding myself that I could ever get a nice photo. That is why I take selfies now. For that girl above. Because I can finally stand to look at myself. Please don't try and take that away from me.
And please also remember, that the little you see of me and the 400000 selfies, that there's another 900000000 selfies that you don't see. It's kind of like reality TV - they show you 22 min. of footage out of 24 hours in a day. You don't see everything that happens.
I have been honest, upfront and truthful in my journey from the start. I have shared more things in the past 18 months than I ever have before. I have shared my ups and downs, my yellow dresses and my underwear. I have been brutally honest even when it's been downright humiliating to do so. If I wanted to make myself look 'good', trust me, I would. Instead, I'd told the world about dirty green socks and bingeing. About coming last and - oh - about coming last. Again - and again. About falling and about failing. About starting and restarting again. About the shame that I've felt and about the pain that I've had.
And I'll continue to do so. Because that is who I am and I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I'm trying to lose weight - that is all. It's not simple and it's not quick. And if my ups and downs help someone feel they're not they're not alone in this weight game, then this putting myself on the line by sharing what I am personally going through is worth it. If not, then no harm done - I was doing it for myself anyway. From the messages I get though, I know it's the former. So, as hard as it is sometimes, and as much as it can hurt, I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve. And take photos of it.
As the tongue in cheek You Tube clip that I posted above says, I actually thank you. Whenever I go through something in life, I feel thankful because it teaches me how to deal with something so I can then help other people. I've never experienced cyber bullying first hand before, and now I have some insight - however small on the scale it is. I thank you, because now I can have more of an understanding on how to help my innocent baby nieces and future children, if anyone, God forbid, ever EVER even TRIES the same thing on them. I thank you for being one of many catalysts who have helped in reminding me of how much support I have around me, how amazing my friends are and how beautiful strangers can be. I thank you for giving truth to the chorus in Kelly Clarkson's famous song. And I thank you for making me even more steadfast than I already was in myself and my own ideals, in that I will never stop being who I am.
When you keep your head held high, no matter what is happening on the ground below, you will always come out on top, always. I've still got weight to lose and am in the middle of doing so, so please, no more wasting my time.
As you were.