Coz this is the day I made a decision and I started to change my life. Things haven't gone smoothly and so many times since then, I've had to reset, or pick myself up and get back on track. But on a whole, it's been 1 year since a promise to myself. I didn't even know what the promise exactly was the day I made it. I wanted to lose weight, and I wanted to quit smoking, but those two things were masking the real underlying thing. I wanted to save my life. I just didn't know it yet.
This year has been indescribable. I've been thinking about "the 1st of March" all day. I feel like I should mark it somehow. I pierced my ears on another anniverary in January --- maybe a blog post is enough for today. ;)
Tomorrow is my tri and nothing has changed since this post - I am still terrified. I picked up my race pack today and I am #502. Keep your ear out for #502 in tomorrow nights news bulletin. :P
So I was thinking, maybe tomorrow's tri can be like a significant thing for my "1st of March" thing...even though it'll be a day later. Maybe last year was all about saving my life. Now I've started to save it, maybe now I need to create it.
Through the process I feel like I have stuffed up so much. Yes, I have done heaps of positive things and achieved a lot. But on the inside, right now, I feel like I have screwed up big time. I feel sometimes like there is no way of fixing things - things are too big.
One of my lovely readers, Jil, said she thought of this when she read about my tri: "feel the fear and do it anyway." I love that. Maybe it's ok to be scared. Maybe it's ok to believe other people, if you can't believe in yourself for a while. Maybe it's ok to feel like this. Maybe it's ok to be overwhelmed and not know what to do. Maybe it's ok to fail and fail and fail over and over again. Maybe one day I'll get it right. One of my favourite lines from a song, "Jessie", is: 'maybe this time, things will turn out just the way you planned'. Maybe screwing up is good because you can then create the life that you really want. Maybe I was right the other day when I said:
If it doesn't challenge you.....it doesn't change you.....and I really need to change....?
Maybe I need to take my own advice from my 1st tri:
Keep your head held high.
And maybe I just need to keep trying.
Feel the fear and do it anyway. :)
Wish me luck for tomorrow - and let's hope for no tears, hyperventilating or police loudspeakers for #502. ;) Happy 1st March everyone xx
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI competed in my first triathalon in January and I completely understand how you feel - I was SO nervous that I spent all morning thinking I was going to vomit or drown. I didn't do either and neither will you! :)
I also LOVE the song "Jessie"
Thanks for another great post.
OOHH didn't realise yu were a Joshua Kadison fan....Haven't heard that song in about 12 years.
ReplyDeleteWell done on putting yourself out there and it is okay to fail. What is the alternative? Never having a go like the rest of us and wishing later on in life that you had done it. Well done and keep on shooting for the stars. You just might catch one some day.