|Thanks Claire for this xx|
Since my quite public little set back earlier this week, I've had a couple of days of doing some intense soul searching. My brain has been on overload and I've been thinking, thinking, thinking. It's only been two days but I've done a lot. (No....Kate, thinking too much- really??) ;)
Instead of boring you with an indepth recap story of the lead up of events and subsequent discoveries I made, here is a summary, in point form of what this is all about:
- I've always been an All or Nothing type of girl.
- I have never been good at moderation or balance.
- Events from last year shook me up.
- An after effect of this is that I became completely and utterly disorganised: because I had to focus on myself and what was happening in my life, just to get by. As a result, everything else fell by the wayside.
- It is now a year later, and the disorganisation has piled up so much that it seems impossible to start to tackle to rectify.
- I had a tough week last week. These weeks happen.
- For some reason, this particular week made my trail of destruction feel like it came to a head.
- I didn't cope too well with this.
- For the first time in a very long time, I spoke up. I told people how I was feeling. And I actually asked for help/support.
- I retreated and freaked the hell out because I had made myself so vulnerable.
- When I dared to open my eyes, I realised that the world didn't end just because I had spoken up. In fact, it was the opposite.
- I had people: friends; extend their love to me: via comments on Facebook, comments on my blog, SMS's, private messages, on my wall, emails, phone calls, and even in person on my doorstep. No-one shut me down. No-one made me feel like I was annoying/a burden/a dickhead like I assumed.
- I did some intensive soul searching. I realised that I lied in my blog post the other night. It wasn't intentional, and it wasn't malicious: but I was lying to myself. I said that it wasn't about being perfect. IT WAS. I have still been trying to be that 'All or Nothing girl'. If I can't do everything then I may as well do nothing. I am passionate and wear my heart on my sleeve and give everything my all. I don't do things half-hearted. This is just who I am. And this is why it's hard. :)
- I realised that I have lost so much confidence in myself over the past year. I realised that this is what has been lacking. I need control back in my life but I can't do this if I don't believe I can do it!
- I realised a huge lesson: that we will never 'get it'. We'll 'get' things - many things - all the time. Some huge things. But the 'getting' of things will continue. Always. The end of our rainbow isn't about having all of the answers.
- As for it being Week 2 of Round 1 and me not being on track yet, well I can change that right now. Ok so I didn't start the round off ideally. I can choose to wallow in this fact or I can choose to kickstart it from here on in. And go hard.
- I worked out that it's not worth 'fixing' some things, or going back. Some things I just have to accept that that is how they are now and then move forward. It should be about creating, not rectifying.
Thanks everyone for your support - thanks doesn't seem enough. Tomorrow's a new day. Next blog post = how I am getting back on track.
It's time to say goodbye to the things that are dragging me down, and hello to how I would like my life to be. My future's pretty awesome, I have to say. Because I get to create it. #justsaying.
I have been embarrassed and mortified this week by being so honest. I feel opened up and vulnerable to no end. But:
--It's refreshing to admit that despite the fact that I love wearing my cape, I am not actually Supergirl (shhh).
--It's comforting and 10+ years worth of healing to know that I am not actually alone. I truly thought I was.
--It's relieving to acknowledge that I will never be perfect and never actually have all of the answers.
--And it's inspiring to allow myself to open myself up to life's possibilities.
My friend said to me yesterday "you need to write yourself a map to get to the end of the rainbow."
I panicked as I didn't have one!
There's no need to panic- that map is at the tips of my fingers and up to me to create: As best I can with how things are. A true Supergirl #isntactuallyperfect. :)