Wednesday, 20 February 2013

I can wear a cape but I'm actually not Super Girl

Thanks Claire for this xx

Since my quite public little set back earlier this week, I've had a couple of days of doing some intense soul searching.  My brain has been on overload and I've been thinking, thinking, thinking.  It's only been two days but I've done a lot.  (No....Kate, thinking too much- really??) ;)

Instead of boring you with an indepth recap story of the lead up of events and subsequent discoveries I made, here is a summary, in point form of what this is all about:
  • I've always been an All or Nothing type of girl.
  • I have never been good at moderation or balance.
  • Events from last year shook me up.
  • An after effect of this is that I became completely and utterly disorganised: because I had to focus on myself and what was happening in my life, just to get by.  As a result, everything else fell by the wayside.
  • It is now a year later, and the disorganisation has piled up so much that it seems impossible to start to tackle to rectify.
  • I had a tough week last week.  These weeks happen.
  • For some reason, this particular week made my trail of destruction feel like it came to a head.
  • I didn't cope too well with this.
  • For the first time in a very long time, I spoke up.  I told people how I was feeling.  And I actually asked for help/support.
  • I retreated and freaked the hell out because I had made myself so vulnerable.
  • When I dared to open my eyes, I realised that the world didn't end just because I had spoken up.  In fact, it was the opposite.
  • I had people: friends; extend their love to me: via comments on Facebook, comments on my blog, SMS's, private messages, on my wall, emails, phone calls, and even in person on my doorstep.  No-one shut me down.  No-one made me feel like I was annoying/a burden/a dickhead like I assumed.
  • I did some intensive soul searching.  I realised that I lied in my blog post the other night.  It wasn't intentional, and it wasn't malicious: but I was lying to myself.  I said that it wasn't about being perfect.  IT WAS.  I have still been trying to be that 'All or Nothing girl'.  If I can't do everything then I may as well do nothing.  I am passionate and wear my heart on my sleeve and give everything my all.  I don't do things half-hearted.  This is just who I am.  And this is why it's hard. :)
  • I realised that I have lost so much confidence in myself over the past year.  I realised that this is what has been lacking.  I need control back in my life but I can't do this if I don't believe I can do it!
  • I realised a huge lesson: that we will never 'get it'.  We'll 'get' things - many things - all the time.  Some huge things.  But the 'getting' of things will continue.  Always.  The end of our rainbow isn't about having all of the answers.
  • As for it being Week 2 of Round 1 and me not being on track yet, well I can change that right now.  Ok so I didn't start the round off ideally.  I can choose to wallow in this fact or I can choose to kickstart it from here on in.  And go hard.
  • I worked out that it's not worth 'fixing' some things, or going back.  Some things I just have to accept that that is how they are now and then move forward.  It should be about creating, not rectifying.
Life happens.  I screwed up.  I need to get over that and start designing and creating my future instead of trying to fix my past mistakes.  I'm letting it go and reminding myself that I'll screw up again.  Because apparently I'm not perfect and I can never be.  Relief of pressure there, I must say!  And if I don't feel strong enough, I can ask to hold someones hand.  And they will and they won't mind!  #thisisanewconcept

Thanks everyone for your support  - thanks doesn't seem enough.  Tomorrow's a new day.  Next blog post = how I am getting back on track.

It's time to say goodbye to the things that are dragging me down, and hello to how I would like my life to be.  My future's pretty awesome, I have to say.  Because I get to create it.  #justsaying.

I have been embarrassed and mortified this week by being so honest. I feel opened up and vulnerable to no end. But:

--It's refreshing to admit that despite the fact that I love wearing my cape, I am not actually Supergirl (shhh).
--It's comforting and 10+ years worth of healing to know that I am not actually alone. I truly thought I was.
--It's relieving to acknowledge that I will never be perfect and never actually have all of the answers.
--And it's inspiring to allow myself to open myself up to life's possibilities.

My friend said to me yesterday "you need to write yourself a map to get to the end of the rainbow."

I panicked as I didn't have one!

There's no need to panic- that map is at the tips of my fingers and up to me to create: As best I can with how things are. A true Supergirl #isntactuallyperfect. :)

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful Kate!
    Just beautiful!
    This stuff is more important than the workouts and the recipes. this is where the key to lifelong health lies. You are awesome. And don't you forget it.
    Love that the blog-o-sphere and 12wbt has brought such wonderful people into my virtual world!