Head down, bum up

Hello!

I'm going backwards in time but I said I'd do a Week 4 round up and it's Week 5 at the moment so I have to get onto it! Making sure I post this before Wednesday WWW tomorrow at least. Firstly can I just whinge? I am sooooooo sore from Sunday! I haven't had DOMS this bad in a while. I've been limping around work for 2 days. Yesterday it took me so long to put my lunch in the microwave (as I had to crouch down to do so) that a girl standing nearby offered to get it out for me when it was done ha! I faded fast as well. I was pretty bright and sprightly (albeit limping) first thing in the morning but I got more tired and lethargic as the day wore on. Everyone laughed at my limping, I kept groaning without realising, everything hurt and it was a squealing on the toilet seat type day. Today was just as bad but this afternoon I've gotten rapidly better. Aughhhhhhhh. Thanks for listening - whingeing helps ease the pain by like 1%.

Anyway - Week 4 round up! So this round is going really well! I did up this picture on my Instagram to summarise it. My stats as at Wednesday last week (Week 4) were I've lost 10.8kg and 15.8cm this round so far! There's still 8 weeks to go and I have a long history of getting off track so maybe I won't continue at this rate! But...I really feel like this is working and quietly I have a special faith in myself that I've got this. I don't think I've lost this much in 4 weeks in any of my rounds. 

Aside from the scales and tape measure, I can also see improvements in other stuff I’ve been working on: 

• I’ve increased my 12min. run test distance by 130m. I know that’s not much but it’s awesome for me.   And a special shout out to my Instagram buddy @vichoskin for encouraging me to go for it each Wednesday.
• I’ve improved my stats on 4 of the 5 things we have to do for our fitness test. My Week 4 wall sit was a fail, I couldn’t beat my time. I’ll just have to try again to improve it in

  

  My current star sticker chart

  Week 8.
• My yellow dress items are fitting better! I’ve been updating the pictures on here, too, (faiiiiiirly timely), rather than just saying that I will! 
• My sleep is slowly improving. 
• My sticker chart has been working really well and the results have been interesting. I’m not as awesome with water as I thought. It’s such a good visual aid as I try and focus on my magic 4: nutrition, training, sleep and water.
• I started my marathon training. 
• I’ve done 2 of my 4 weekly personal challenges! I giggled at a Mish video the other day. She was explaining milestones and said something like “and we try and schedule one in for every 4 weeks.” In my head I whispered “except for Kate, who loves them so much she does them weekly!” I’ll do an update below on these.
• And I ran 30km. Ok this was on Sunday, not before last Wednesday, but it technically was still within Week 4. And besides, I had to include that one regardless! And mention it again. ;)  It still hasn’t sunk in. 

So my weekly challenges check in: 

• Week 1: Fitness challenge training: I have started! Man alive it is so difficult! I don’t think

  

  Finally started "Start the crazy"

  I’m going to be ready any time soon but I won’t ever get there unless I start working towards it – so I finally have!
• Week 2: School cross country: I haven’t done this yet. Rain delayed this once, I delayed this a few times. But I’m set to go again this Sunday! I have my outfit laid out and everything…..
• Week 3: Relax: I did this! It may not sound like much but I watched a DVD. Relaxing is huge for me, in that I can’t ever do it. Lately I decided to watch a DVD once I get some tasks done. Kind of like a “you can only relax once all the work is done” thing. I decided this mentality isn’t helping my poor relaxation skills, so as my challenge, I watched the DVD and tried to relax purposely before I solved the worlds problems. I can only keep trying.
• Week 4: Story Bridge run: Rain delayed this one as well – as did my mindset. It’s rescheduled for Thursday though.
• And Week 5’s Breakfast mountain climb is scheduled for Sunday and Week 9’s theme park visit is scheduled for January! (And others are scheduled too).  So these goals are ticking over pretty well. 

I'm just loving this round and am using all of the magic tricks I know of to get to my goals:

Can you tell which movie I chose?

Focus, consistency, organisation, applying myself, believing in myself, working hard and trying my best. I’m keeping a close check on my nutrition and I think my calorie free days are what are really doing the trick for me. I have more to write on this one day – I have to find a certain article I read so that I can explain it well. But aside from that, I’m making sure I plan and prepare my meals each week. It’s a pain in the butt for a few hours each week but the time (and temptation!) that it saves every day is worth the effort triple-fold. My epic cook up earlier in the round has really helped also. 

My star sticker chart and rewards jar are working wonders and are just little things that keep me motivated each week. I've earnt myself $126 so far!  And I’ve started a little weekly ritual of taking my ‘Yellow Dress photos’ each Tuesday and doing a mid week mini food prep each Wednesday, to prepare / pack foods that don’t have a weeks shelf life and that I can’t prepare on the weekend. I’m trying to make most of these things routine. Personally I’ve also been really trying to cut down on social events, to spend more time getting organised and less time getting stressed. Not the best time to attempt this in the silly season, but I’m giving it my best shot.

My jars

It hasn’t all been ticks and stars in Weeks 1-4. I haven’t finished my updated Inspiration wall yet – in fact I keep getting woken up by Blu-Tak giving way and the cardboard I stuck it all onto falling down one by one so I practically need to start again. I haven’t finished my last Pre-Season task, Organise and Diarise, which is annoying me but I am going to make an effort to try and get that done this week. There’s reasons I haven’t but they are just excuses I need to squash. I’ve had a few days where I’ve slipped up in a minor way, I skipped a couple of training sessions and have had a couple of weak moments where I’ve eaten Samboy BBQ chips or a chocolate bar. But nothing even close to major and nothing that’s sent me flailing. My new rules are really helping with this - in 4 weeks I’ve had no unplanned visits to Binge Town. My star stickers have dropped over the past 2 weeks so I need to up the ante and focus a little more on these. It’s good to have a visual record of how I’m tracking, and how this affects my results. 

But overall I’m so so happy with the first 4 weeks of the round and I intend to keep this up. Essentially all I’ve been doing is ‘head down, bum up’ – doing what I have to do and working really hard at it. That’s it. I’ll catch up on more updates soon…but for now I just wanted to share my first 4 weeks results from this round. Chat later!!! xxx

"You've come this far, you can't give up now"

Where do I start?  I have so so so much to tell you.  I have a whole foray of posts to catch up on too...I am going to make myself write them in the next 2 days...  I want to write!  Things are

just so busy.  But for now I need to write about today to help me process it!

A while ago I got invited to an event on Awesome Runners (literally an awesome running group I'm a part of) called "Kurrawa 2 Duranbah".  Never heard of the places, or the event.  Turns out Kurrawa is a Gold Coast suburb - essentially Broadbeach near Surfers Paradise - and Duranbah is 25km south of that - in NSW!  Over the border!  It was an event that had 50km, 30km, 15km or 2x25km run or walk options.  Automatically I started daydreaming and tempting myself...with the 30km that 'just' went 15km south to Currumbin and back.  That's the number that jumped out at me.

So a quick catch up on my running, especially if this is the first time you've read my blog.  18

Arriving with the beautiful Court x

months ago I ran for the first time (200m).  I worked my way up to a half marathon (21.1km).  In the last few months I've done 3 half marathons and I'm currently in training for a full marathon (42.2km) in July 2014.

I have a neat little training plan to work up to that length...and it has me running my first 30km in like April-May, something like that.  Not now, in December, off the back of running 21.1km, that's for certain!

However.

There's always a 'however' with me...I thought I might be able to do this!  Probably not.  But

My biggest cals in one session.  I ran non stop for 4:45!

maybe!  Possibly...I'm not sure.  Yes...no...I don't know.  In the end I decided to sign up.  It was also a walking event so I decided that worst case, I would run as far as I could go - if I could beat my 21.1km distance PB then that would be a win and I could walk or walk/run/walk/run for the rest of it.  So I signed up.  I hardly told anyone I was attempting this.  I thought it was because I didn't know if I could make it.  I realised yesterday though that that wasn't it.  I would share if I failed at something like I always do.

The real reason I didn't say anything was I was scared that someone would pipe up and say that I shouldn't try and do this.  I know it was big.  Huge in fact.  And such a big jump from 21km.  But I needed full self conviction that I could do this, otherwise I didn't stand a chance.  I didn't want to risk anyone adding to the doubts I already had.  I knew it was a big call.  And I was worried about the heat - the December sun by the beach on QLD's Gold Coast...but I prepared myself, hydrated plenty in the lead up, sunscreened it up, wore a hat, long tights, a sleeved top...  This was big.  I doubted myself already.  But I didn't count on that little thing I have in bucketloads: determination.

I turned up.  My beautiful friend Courtney was doing the 15km event and we drove to the coast together after a 2:45am wake up call!  Poor Court was doing this off the back of 3-ish hours sleep!  I was lucky and got 5-6.  I was a bit distracted on the way there, doing my usual

thoughts I seem to do quite often lately...because I always find myself about to do some crazy event!

Essentially the gist of it is me wondering what the hell I've gotten myself into!  And wondering if I can do it...and telling myself it would be so much easier to be comfortable and not push myself...and how much I would prefer to be in bed right now...  Usually what happens is that I think all of these thoughts and then go and achieve the event!  But today was a big one.  My biggest yet.  Did I really stand a chance?

We picked up our race packs, sunscreened it up, and suddenly I was off!  (Court's event started an hour later).  I ran into my lovely friend Michelle and her husband Keith who were doing the 30km as well.

The first 15km was pretty uneventful and nothing to write home about.  The scenery was so beautiful.  I passed through the most beautiful beaches.  I didn't realise how many gorgeous beaches are so close to where I live.  I was in awe.  They were stunning.  Each time I ran past a surf club or a place I have only ever heard of or read

Hell yeah we're #1!

about, I made a mental note of where I was and kept getting excited that I was visiting all of these great places...practically in my own home town.

I got to the 15km turn around point with a fair amount of ease.  (As much as running 15km in the Australian Summer sun is easy!)  I got really excited to see an amazing view of the Surfers Paradise high rises, this little city look so far away from where I was at the turn around point; and I was so proud that I had run from there!  I just now had to run back...

I managed a first, I had a shower while running! lol sort of.  They encouraged us to use the beach showers to cool down along the way.  I only did it once - I refuse to stop running in my events, not even for a split second, so I jogged on the spot as I ducked under, and kept going on my way.

Soon after the turn around point is when it all started going a bit awry. :/

I felt a twinge in my back - it's a familiar twinge I know well.  I have major back issues - quite bad.  The least of the problems is that I've got Scoliosis, Osteoarthritis and it gets worse than

that - and I've have had major trauma on my spine.  As far as we can tell that's a result of a school playground attack when I was 9 where I was thrown on the ground and kicked like a rag doll, and my back jumped on my some older boys.  It's quite complicated but one of the results of that is that, ever since I was 16, every few years my back gives way, and I collapse.  Not faint, but my back physically won't hold my legs up and down I go.  It happens very randomly.

I haven't had that happen for a couple of years...I'm due for the next one!  And so when that twinge happened I freaked out - I didn't want it to happen mid run!  It happened a couple of times but it was only twinges, I didn't actually fall.

But it unsettled me and soon after that, a combination of being worried about my back and it just being SO hot, I decided I couldn't breathe.  Aughhhhh another one of my little quirks!  I've got a bit of anxiety about breathing - again long standing and again a long story - but it's just something I do.  It happens occassionally and often when I'm running.  I've worked on this for a year and I don't often get running breathing anxiety anymore.  But guess what happened again today? 

I basically just felt like I couldn't breathe.  I was breathing.  I was fine.  I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to run for another 10km if I wasn't breathing ;)  But when I'm in that

state I don't believe I'm fine.  It got pretty bad from about the 20km mark.  The mind games had started at 3km but they intensified at 20km.  My breathing was going slightly haywire and my back wasn't good.  I didn't know what to do.

I had run for 20km.
If I went for more than another 1.1km then I would have beat my distance PB which is all I really needed to do.
But I really needed help.
I didn't want to give up.
But if I stopped now I've just run a half marathon!  That's still an achievement Kate!
But...if I keep going...I could run 30km!

See I have this pig headed, dogged determination about me - that for the most part - is fantastic - it helps me to achieve a lot.  But times like today, it's simply bloody annoying!  The sane part of me would have stopped - or at least stopped running!  But no, in my head I was thinking it's only another 7.5km now!  That's nothing!

Around this time, a volunteer called something out to me.  He had no idea what was happening with me, or maybe he could see the pain on my face.  But he called out "You've

Before I really struggled (lol at the lady behind)

come this far, you can't give up now."

Far out.....................

I said that through my head repeatedly, for the next 7.5km.  I couldn't give up!  He was right - I had come so far!  

But it was so hard :(

By the time I got to the 25km mark I was a mess.  My vision went blurry a few times and I was struggling like nothing else.  I couldn't talk.  More and more people started asking me if I was ok.  I was so determined to finish it.  But now it was more than that.  It got to the point I knew I needed help.  So many times I thought I could collapse.  Not from my back, but just drop to the ground - I couldn't do this anymore!  I needed someone to help me breath!  I needed to be cooled down.  I needed fluids - even though I'd been drinking a mountain of water on the way and filled my water bottle up every 2.5km.

I couldn't do it.  I don't know if I've ever struggled as much, physically and mentally, as I did today.  But as much as I was in a state, the logistal side kicked in.  (What the?)  I realised that

Court texted me this :)

I had the car key and Court was at the finish line.  It would be so convenient if I made it to her first before getting help!  As much as I know she'd be ok and was almost horrified when I told her my reasonings later, this was a major consideration I had.  I didn't want to leave her stranded.  But besides, I didn't want to be lying on a random street somewhere.  It's funny how our minds become very logistical in times like this.  I realised if I could just make it to the finish line, there would be some first aid person and they could help me!  Yes!  That's what I needed to do!  I needed to get to the finish line.  My mindset went from having 5km to go to finish running 30km, to having 5km to go to get help.  I started running towards help.

In my more dramatic moments, I felt like I was one of those girls in those Hollywood movies, who had just been in some freak of nature accident, and, wearing a torn dress and covered in

Cathy texted me this :)

scratches, has to run through desolate corn fields to a lone farm house to call for help.  She just needs to make it there, then everything will be ok....

See, I told you I had too much sun - I was becoming delusional!  It was pretty much like that though!  Except I wasn't running from a typhoon or gorillas, and there were no corn fields or farm house....thoughts of Hollywood blockbusters aside, there was just one Finish line and I needed to get there.  At one point I considered even calling my mum to tell me I was ok and I could breathe!  But I couldn't say the words or I would have crumbled.  Court was texting me and asking how I was and all I could say was "1.8" (I had 1.8km to go).  I almost told her I needed help but I feared if I did, I would make it real in my head and I wouldn't be able to continue.  I kept starting to cry but I wouldn't let myself.  I realised that if I started crying, I truly would struggle to breathe and then I'd really lose it.  I think I even told myself "you can cry at the finish line!"  I had to draw on

Can you see the buildings in the far background?  I ran from there!

so much strength.  And that guys voice kept going through my head..."You've come this far, you can't give up now."

It got to the point where I actually Google mapped the finish line location so that my phone would show me how many metres I had to go.  I had just run almost 30km and here I was worrying about 750m.  When I checked again and it said 350m, I knew I would make it.  I just had to get through the banner.  I pushed myself like nothing I have ever done before.

As I got to the last stretch, people started clapping, and then, as much as I was an absolute mess (remember, Hollywood starlet in a scratched up dress!), my face lit up when I saw Court, Michelle, Keith and some Awesome Runners, Ann-Marie, Ingred and more,

Doc had trouble finding space to check my pulse...this isn't even all of them..

surrounding the finish line.  They were cheering - they were clapping, they even called out "Give me a K!  Give me an A!" etc.!  If you see the photos at the finish line you'd never guess I was in a state.  I was grinning and smiling from ear to ear and saying thank you.  Smile for the cameras.....then....

Collapse.  That was my limit.  I made it through the banner, and I was on the ground.  I was safe in the farm house now, I knew I'd be ok.

Afterwards sitting up in a chair

Court ran to get a medic (amazing friend who had just done a 15km event and could hardly move herself, goes and runs for me!) and the others were amazing.  I was surrounded by them all and they just got to work.  Someone took off my shoes and socks, some were pouring water up my top, someone was feeding me an energy gel, another feeding me water.  Ingred massaged my legs and Michelle propped my head up onto her.  I was still not well but I suddenly felt ok as I had all of this care around me and thats all that I needed.  I was lucid enough to know that this whole thing was mainly anxiety and being overheated.  The medic and another sports trainer came to help and he said it was a bit of dehydration and hyperventilation.  I started calming down and the medic took my pulse...he almost couldn't though because I was wearing event wrist bands all up my arm!  I may need to stop doing that...

They had free ice baths at the finish line so they put me in one of them and FAR OUT it was cold.  The trainer said 2min. in, 2min. out, then 2min. in and I should be ok.  Ingred went and got me a lemonade and my free T-shirt and BBQ lunch - I couldn't eat but after having the bath and the lemonade I was so much better.  I was limping but I always do after big events,

In the ice bath

because my leg muscles contract.  So I was ok.  Court and I went to the beach on the way to the car, just for 5min. to jump in the water - I'd had enough water by then but Court jumped in.

The rest of the day I've just been keeping up my water and have been eating.  As I was this morning - but making sure I keep it up.

This morning, while I was going through my epic of epic runs, a few other friends were doing their own events - Court, Martine, Maz and Cat to name just a few from 30+ alone - all 5 of us set ourselves a goal and we each worked our backsides off to make it happen.  Each of our events were important and personally huge for our own different reasons.  I just wanted to shout out to these girls because I know each of them pushed through their own stuff to achieve what they did today.

I learnt a lot this morning - I have some research to do to make my next runs better - I often do after events.  It also made me more aware of my back issues and that I'm going to have to keep this in mind as I train for the marathon.  My back often gets sore in 10km+ runs.  But after today I realise that if my back happens to actually go and do it's usual every few years

No idea how I managed to do my fist pump photo today

give way thing, when it's just sore from running, then I won't stand a chance.  I'm now going back to my normal marathon training plan and sticking to the events I have planned for next year.  There's a few half marathons in the lead up to the full.  My next event run is 11km in January.  Today's 30km was a crazy pushing myself thing that I just had to try.  I tried and I did it - now I can relax and do my normal thing and work at a better pace.  I feel like a bit of a freak of nature.  I have literally gone from running 200m, to 1km, to 5km, to 11km, to 14km, to 16km, to 21.1km, to 30km.  I jump distances so much.  The reason is, I can.  So I do.

A lot of practical stuff came up for me today.  But it also reinforced for me what I already knew about my own mental strength.  It reminded me that no matter what - when I think I really can't go on - well, I actually can.  There's this little thing inside you that keeps you going during the most trying of times.  Sometimes you just need this magic 'thing' and some dogged determination and you can make anything happen.  I'll share with you now what I wrote on my arm before this mornings

event. 

"You didn't think you could run 1km either".

Coming in for the finish... #mess

Ice baths are called that for a reason...

All I could think about

We did it :)

Beautiful beach

#bestmedicine

Carb loading the night before on 12WBT Broccoli Pasta with Ricotta!

The 'laying out everything for the next day pile' photo

#sunsmart

Awesome Runners shot x

The sign that made me smile...Currumbin was my half way turn around point

It's all fun and games when you start a run...

From Cathy x

Keep your head held high v2

Hey there….

I wanted to write a short follow up to my post from the weekend.  I’ve been slightly inundated by support since I wrote what I did.  I keep getting tagged in and sent the most beautiful and thoughtful posts, comments and messages and I felt the need to write a little response.  So this is like a bit of a collective and as always, thoroughly genuine, thank you.  Out of respect to the places where some of this feedback lies, I wanted to address it all here, on my blog, so that I can try and protect and not clog up groups with this kind of stuff, such as the precious 30+ Crew.  My last post was of course very different to my usual and I feel very uncomfortable about it.  I hate conflict and drama like you wouldn’t believe.  I get enough of that when I’m on stage and also in my accidental self-created day to day adventures that often involve things such as kangaroos, chook feed and princess bushwalking. 

Firstly thank you so much to everyone for your support.  It’s been incredible and has helped to pep me up.  I won’t pretend like it’s not; it’s been a tough few days as I feel like it’s happened all over again.  It hasn’t – but talking about it brings it all back up.  Maybe that’s a good thing.  I don’t know – I’m just Kate from Brisbane trying to deal with things as best I can.  I’m not Super Woman, despite some of the costumes I’ve previously worn bushwalking.  It’s been a little hard, all over again.

However one really cool thing is; I’m way stronger than that.  I’ve been through a lot worse and as much as these small incidents knocked me for absolute six, they’re just going to have to be another lot of life’s little hurdles that we don’t expect, deal with as best we can, then move on from stronger than before.

Just to be clear from some things I’ve read, the stuff that rocked me certainly wasn’t about Trevor’s comment that I mentioned.  My gosh, when you’ve been a Size GG, any comment about my chest reducing, however non-eloquently said, can only be taken as a compliment.  Nor was it about the selfies.  My friends dig me about selfies every day.  It would take a lot more than a selfie comment to get to me – I jest with the best about that one, in fact I start the digging myself.  From my own part, I’ve tried to get through this by not being a public train wreck and by keeping the details in private discussions with friends, which is where these comments should have belonged in the first place.  And it remains this way.  For my own pride though, please understand that what was said was a lot more than the small part I’ve alluded to.  I’m sensitive to the extreme but I’m not that bad.  There was a whole lot more which included negative and criticising judgements on a range of topics including on my body and how much I weigh, how much my friends weigh and much more.  Yeah – when you’re on a weight loss mission, that part got me where it hurts.

I’m just here doing my own thing, for my own body. To get suckerpunched mid-way of this took me by surprise. I thought people in this game would understand or at least respect that people are at different stages. I guess not.

This weight loss thing is hard enough without people trying to pull us down.  Far out, life is hard enough without doing the same.  We need to support, understand, cheer each other on and lift each other up where possible otherwise how the hell are we ever going to get through anything.  Yes, I have struggled with my weight.  I am faiiiiiiiirly certain that I’m pretty transparent about that.  However I am doing my best, and that is ALL this thing is about.  People should not be judged for doing their best.

All is ok, all will be ok.  For those who have sent me messages all over the place, thank you from the bottom of my heart for having my back and for giving me the strength to speak up.  For those struggling with your weight, who have wins and then falls, don’t lose hope.  You know I’ve been doing the exact same thing, and one day we will get out the other side.  For those who have been bullied, don't ever think it's ok or acceptable. There is NEVER a case where it is. Speak up if you can but above all else, keep your head held high and keep doing what you’re doing.  The greatest thing you can do right now is to carry on.  That is where your strength lies, not in what is said to you by people trying to cut you down.  And for anyone who is just simply following my journey, thank you for watching this space – keep watching.

Do you remember my infamous first triathlon where after I almost fell apart at every leg, I looked at the finish line, grit my teeth and clenched my fists, blocked out everything around me and made it through?

Yeah.

That’s what I’m gonna do again.

Thanks for your support xx

Next post: My Week 4 update with all sorts of positive stuff! :)

Thank you for this pic Mish x

To the bullies, haters and trolls,

Please either watch this awesome You Tube clip...or read what I have to say below.  (It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure - you can watch the movie or read the book) :)

Well it's been 18 months now of having a blog in the public domain so I guess it was inevitable to eventually happen: dealing with negativity.  I've been fairly lucky.  Until recently, apart from anyone maybe speaking behind my back, the closest I've come to negativity was some guy named Trevor elegantly pointing out that my "tits had gone" under a before and after of me that 12WBT posted on their Facebook page.  Thanks for pointing that out, classy Trev.  You sound hot.

That's all I've had.  That's as bad as it's gotten.

Until recently.  I wasn't going to say anything publicly, because that's just not me.  No, it's not sweeping it under the carpet, or burying my head in the sand, or wearing rose coloured glasses.  Despite what some people think, I can see everything quite clearly.  I just choose not to let on and waste my time with those on that level.  And I wear pink sunnies coz I think they're pretty.  That's the only reason.

I just don't see the point of bringing stuff up.  And anyway - don't they tell you at school to ignore the bullies, don't give them the satisfaction of seeing they've upset you, coz that's what they thrive on?  Does the same go for when you're an adult, when instead of it being in a playground, it's behind the safe confinements of a keyboard?

There's no rulebook in life, so as with anything, we try and deal with things as best we can.  I was going to leave it, I started dealing with it my own way.  But after one friend, who is so supportive she makes my heart physically ache, posted on behalf of me and some of my friends behalfs today, I decided to say something.  I don't want it to seem like she has to do all of the standing.  And also - maybe - one day - there might be someone who has the unfortunate experience to go through similar, and this post might make them feel less alone.  Who knows.

Recently there were some comments made, both publicly and privately, which were not very nice.  I'm not going to say any more than that.  If I do, I fear I'll be down at their level and besides, unlike some, I try my best not to hurt people.  I won't go into it, the comments can remain on the screenshots we have saved.

Instead, as an adult, I'm going to tell you how this feels.

When I was in primary school I got chased.  I got thrown to the ground.  I got my head held down, pushed into snow and ice, suffocating me while someone else jumped on my back and kicked me.  One day I had a gang of kids march me out of school grounds, yelling and mocking through the streets of the village where I lived until I escaped.  I had bloody noses from being kicked in the face.  On a couple of occasions I ran from the girls bathrooms where they had followed me into and tried to grab me through locked cubicle doors, all the way home to find my mum as I couldn't find protection in the school.  (Hey, maybe that's where my running started?)  For a while, I got pinned up against walls in the school corridor and punched, on a daily basis.

This feels worse.

What was written isn't funny, it's not smart, and it certainly isn't true.  There's a name for what was written, and it's called cyber bullying, and it's down right cruel.

They say that what bullies and trolls write, says much more about them, and while this is definitely true, I wonder if they truly understand just how much their brave words can affect those they're targeted at.  You may suggest they don't care.  Maybe they don't.  I'm going to go out on a limb and say that they actually do.  That sticks and stones rhyme?  It was wrong.  Words can hurt.  They can hurt very much.  I'm not going to be all fake and pretend like they don't.  Maybe we can tell 8 year olds that names can never hurt them.  But when we do, we're lying.  They can sting - bad.  They can crumble the strongest of people in a flash.  Let's just say that as a result of this, I have a new found understanding and respect for Charlotte Dawson...  YES, that's what I mean.  That is how deep words can be felt.  I know - my reaction shocked me too.

I've wasted enough time with this - late night chats with equally as hurt friends, answering Inbox and posts from supportive angels, 10min. of the finale group workout in tears because a beautiful someone tried to pep me up, two hours writing this blog post....wayyyyyyy too much of my time so I'll try to be brief so that I can move on.  Move on with losing weight, which is all that this journey has been about.

I will not change who I am, I will continue writing honestly and living truthfully, because I don't know any other way how.  When this girl -----> see picture on the right -----> started losing weight, it was not for anyone other than me.  And that is still the case.  If I was losing weight for someone else, I would have stopped ages ago.  I take 400000 selfies of every event I do for a few reasons:
    1) I am obsessed with photos.  My mum nicknamed me Katie Kodak when I got my first camera at 13 and I've just gotten worse.  This habit formed pre-full blown puberty and weight issues.  It's pretty ingrained and aint going anywhere soon, I'm sorry to say.
    2) Seriously?  Have you seen the length of my blog posts?  If I didn't have photos to break up the novels I write, people would seriously hate me.
    3) Because - every single one of the 400000 selfies I take represents every single time I hid behind poles in nightclubs because I felt I was too fat to be physically seen.  For every single time I sadly had to 'Hide' a photo posted on my Facebook profile and not share what I had been doing, because I was too ashamed for people to see how fat I was.  For every single time I took 50 selfies of myself until I thought I got a decent one, only to look back, crushed, and realise I looked just as huge as the other 49 and I was kidding myself that I could ever get a nice photo.  That is why I take selfies now.  For that girl above.  Because I can finally stand to look at myself.  Please don't try and take that away from me.

And please also remember, that the little you see of me and the 400000 selfies, that there's another 900000000 selfies that you don't see.  It's kind of like reality TV - they show you 22 min. of footage out of 24 hours in a day.  You don't see everything that happens.

I have been honest, upfront and truthful in my journey from the start.  I have shared more things in the past 18 months than I ever have before.  I have shared my ups and downs, my yellow dresses and my underwear.  I have been brutally honest even when it's been downright humiliating to do so.  If I wanted to make myself look 'good', trust me, I would.  Instead, I'd told the world about dirty green socks and bingeing.  About coming last and - oh - about coming last.  Again - and again.  About falling and about failing.  About starting and restarting again.  About the shame that I've felt and about the pain that I've had.

And I'll continue to do so.  Because that is who I am and I wouldn't want to be anyone else.  I'm trying to lose weight - that is all.  It's not simple and it's not quick.  And if my ups and downs help someone feel they're not they're not alone in this weight game, then this putting myself on the line by sharing what I am personally going through is worth it.  If not, then no harm done - I was doing it for myself anyway.  From the messages I get though, I know it's the former.  So, as hard as it is sometimes, and as much as it can hurt, I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve.  And take photos of it.

As the tongue in cheek You Tube clip that I posted above says, I actually thank you.  Whenever I go through something in life, I feel thankful because it teaches me how to deal with something so I can then help other people.  I've never experienced cyber bullying first hand before, and now I have some insight - however small on the scale it is.  I thank you, because now I can have more of an understanding on how to help my innocent baby nieces and future children, if anyone, God forbid, ever EVER even TRIES the same thing on them.  I thank you for being one of many catalysts who have helped in reminding me of how much support I have around me, how amazing my friends are and how beautiful strangers can be.  I thank you for giving truth to the chorus in Kelly Clarkson's famous song.  And I thank you for making me even more steadfast than I already was in myself and my own ideals, in that I will never stop being who I am.  

When you keep your head held high, no matter what is happening on the ground below, you will always come out on top, always.  I've still got weight to lose and am in the middle of doing so, so please, no more wasting my time.

As you were.