March: good start, slipped up middle, hangry end

Hi hi!

A little bit long time, no speak!  I've been blogging in my head, and taking pictures along the way, but to actually sit down and type and press "Publish", I haven't quite gotten there.

Before I go on, I need to share something that's not entirely weight loss related, but it is to do with food!  This post was going to be a general update, but to be honest I can't think of anything other than the fact that I am frigging HANGRY right now.

I'm not being silly and not eating by choice.  Tomorrow I have to have a delightful

#todaysfooddiary :(

Colonoscopy.  And despite the fact that I am beyond terrified about the whole procedure, anxious about the (very small chance) potential findings and I'm about to spend the next 4 hours on the toilet, all of that feels insignificant right now because all I can think of is I want fooooooooooood.

This Colonoscopy prep is the absolute universal proof reason why I could never do a diet that didn't include actual real life FOOD.  Aside from the fact that I'm not a shakes / tablet / powder etc diet person myself anyway, I just couldn't do it, even if I thought it was a great way to do things.  It's why my juice diet I attempted 4 years ago didn't make it past the lunch time of Day 1.  I am a person who needs actual food.

So, as you can imagine, I am not enjoying this prep process and my Easter has not been one of sitting around a table spread with culinary delights.

From Good Friday to Easter Sunday, I was on a strict low fibre diet, able to choose from a list of certain foods.  To be fair, the list was actually quite kind - there was a fair bit of choice.

But oh no, of course all I could think of, crave and salivate over, were the foods that I wasn't allowed to have.  Good Friday, Day 1, was the worst.  I didn't cope well.  I was agitated and annoyed and felt so deprived it wasn't funny.  I wanted everything I couldn't have and my language when talking to friends was as pleasant as it is when I'm road raged.

Saturday and Sunday I was a lot more accepting and mature about it and just took it (mostly) on the chin.  

I took so many photos of me drinking mineral water

However today, Easter Monday, is another rampaging, hangry story.  Today I'm not allowed to eat a thing.  I ate at 9:30pm last night, and now am not allowed to eat again until after the procedure tomorrow, maybe around lunch time.  Not a thing!  Not even one tiny little mouthful of anything.

I'm trying not to swear - I've done enough of that on texts and snaps to friends across the last 4 days.  This feels torturous.  

I know I sound like the first person who's ever had to prep for a procedure, but when you're as hangry as I am, you don't care. :)  Seriously the way I am carrying on in my head and my swearing text messages, you'd think I hadn't eaten for weeks.

I'm currently drinking the prep stuff so am trying to get this blog post out of the way before I am attached to my ensuite for the rest of the night.  I've turned my TV around to face the bathroom.  What a fun Monday night I have planned! 

Now that I've shared the load of my hangriness to anyone who'll listen (read), I now feel I can continue on.

Ignore my desk calendar - I am lazy. This was March.

So, March.  Where has it gone?  I haven't used the month as much I wish I had.  Four weeks: I could have done so much, and I didn't.  I had a rough month so that's the reason, but it shouldn't be the excuse.

I did well the first week, then fell over like I usually do.  It's the same old story, I don't need to explain it.

I was doing really well, even though I got so busy.  I was walking to my car eating yoghurt, eating lunch in meetings, still sticking to my plan no matter how hectic things were.  But one thing snuck in - but that was ok, because for the rest of the day I made good choices.  But then the next thing snuck in, then the next, then before I know it, it's a free for all.

You know, for someone who falls over so much and has next to none self confidence or self esteem, I have an uncanny amount of belief in me reaching my goals.  

A friend who's on a similar journey asked me recently if I ever got scared that I wouldn't make it (weight loss journey wise).  With total and utter conviction, I responded, no.  There is not one doubt in my mind that I won't make it.  I know I will.  I just happen to also like torturing myself in the process, by dragging it out something silly!

One of my very few boot camp seshs

I lost 4.1kg in the first week of March.  Week 2, I put on 1.8kg.  Week 3, I put on 1.2kg.  So hey, I still lost 1.1kg this month!  That is something.

After this hangry causing, torturous no food long weekend is over (approx. 18 hours to go...), I'll enjoy the concept of eating again, and get myself back on the wagon.

On a brighter note, as of today I am now 4 weeks Diet Coke free!  So proud of myself!  I know that I've kicked the habit.  I sound very sure of myself, but I know it.  I continue to liken it to quitting smoking.  Once I'd made up my mind, I just did it.  4 weeks ago I made the choice to no longer drinking Diet Coke, and that was that.  I know that I don't drink it anymore.

I won't lie though - the first few days were a bit hard.  I had a slight headache for just 3 days, and probably the first week I had to keep reminding myself that I don't drink it anymore.  Habitually there were reminders everywhere.  The first one of the day...driving...the vending machine at work...lunches and 'coffees' out... various scenarios that kept popping up that kept me practicing getting used to the fact, that I don't

The month of eating on the run - this was in a lift

drink it anymore.  

Even now when I go to the grocery shops, it feels strange not putting 2 cartons in my trolley, or getting excited when it's on special.  In fact I was so used to my habit, that I bought 1 carton too many, the week before I quit.  I had a carton of 30 cans sitting idle in my pantry - I'd just habitually stocked myself up, completely not thinking that I wouldn't need to do so anymore.  My parents were pleased with their free carton I delivered to them!  It goes some small way in paying them back for all of the Diet Coke's they've supplied me with over the years.

After about a week of giving up, the habits got a bit easier.  That was about the time I probably stopped craving it, too.  Thinking back on the process, just 4 weeks later, it really was quite easy.  I put the 'ease' down to me cutting down from the 1st of January.  I think it would be quite a different story if I'd cut it out cold turkey, like my last attempt.  Going from 2-3 a day down to 0, is a lot easier than 6-9 a day to 0 overnight!

I'm proud with every bottle!

Plain mineral and sparkling water has been my saviour though.  It's definitely "my" new drink.  I've been having it first up each morning as my first Diet Coke of the day was always my favourite.  I don't think I'll need it as regularly as I've been having it, ongoing, but I'll just see how I go.  It feels similar to how after I quit smoking, I continued to take "cigarette" breaks for a week or so.  I didn't smoke when I went on them, but I was so used to taking those regular breaks that it felt unnatural not to do so after I quit.  By walking outside for 10min. a few times a day it took away the edge for the first little while, and then I stopped needing to do so.  

I've hardly had any mineral / sparkling water compared to the amount of Diet Coke I used to have, but it's been a nice little replacement every now and again when I feel the need for something other than water.

My 1st time in a bar post no more DC. Soda water!

My decision was to stop drinking Diet Coke, but I also meant any soft drink and diet drinks as well.  Because it would be very easy just to switch from Diet Coke to even diet flavoured mineral water, which I've done before.  My emotional addiction was to Diet Coke, so as long as I could stay away from that, I'd be happy, but I still didn't plan on having any other soft drink, either.  

In saying that --- I ended up having soft drink twice this month.  I'm not worried about it, as both times were definitely not Diet Coke replacements, or satisfying a craving or anything like that.

The first time was at a friends house.  She'd very sweetly gone to the trouble of buying me mineral water for our catch up.  She'd bought flavoured mineral water, but the one I opened was diet soft drink.  It was accidental and it wasn't even a regular soft drink brand; it was just orange drink.  I'd opened the bottle so I went ahead and drank it: I felt a little guilty but just tried to enjoy the one glass.

The second time was today: I went and bought myself a bottle of lemonade to use as a

Medicinal lemonade today

chaser to the prep drink tonight, as I was allowed to drink lemonade!  It genuinely felt medicinal though, and no way like the hold that DC used to have on me.

I *almost* had Coke another day, about a week after "D(C) Day".  I had a little (unrelated) fainting episode :(  while I was at work.  My boss helped me out and while I was partially out to it, I heard him asking if he should get me some Coke (sugar).  I couldn't speak, but in my head I was screaming to myself "no!  no!  I only quit Diet Coke last week!"  Lol of all the times for someone to feed me Coke / Diet Coke when it was really not up to me, it had to be just a week after quitting, when I was still a bit DC vulnerable. :)  Fortunately he made me a Milo instead. :)

I found these through the avo shortage! Really good!

So that's where I stand, at the end of March!  Very uneven and inconsistent with the weight loss efforts and awesome with the No More Diet Coke.  I still get surprised that I've given up DC.  As I type this on the 28th March, I haven't had a DC since 29th February, very late at night.  Last month.  Not that long ago I'd feel the agony if I hadn't had one in 3 hours! :/

My exercise this month has been nondescript.  I've been to boot camp on average once a week (I usually go 3 times a week), and I've been doing nothing else exercise wise.  Even my "reach 50 parkruns in 2016" goal hasn't been getting me out there.

I came up with what I thought was a great way to get me out of bed for Saturday morning parkruns.  While during the week I have a trainer and friends who are expecting me at boot camp, on Saturdays I don't always meet friends to parkrun, so it's all too easy to turn over and go back to sleep.

So I started organising breaky with friends on Saturday mornings, at around 8:30am, which gave me enough time to complete parkrun and turn up for a catch up and some breaky.  I thought if I had to get up and go and meet a friend for breakfast, then I'd get up and do parkrun beforehand.

What I didn't forsee, is that it's just as easy to turn over and go back to sleep at 5:30am/6am

Airport lounge - better choices

and skip parkrun, and instead just get out of bed at 7:30am/8am for breakfast!  I think I'm up to 6 or 7 weeks of consistent Saturday morning breaky dates, yet I haven't been to parkrun once throughout that time. :/  I haven't been getting any closer to the illustrious 50, but I have been seeing my friends more often!

I'm the type of person who once I'm on a roll, I get out there and do it all.  So I know once I really get myself into it, there won't be any stopping me.

All I can do is keep trying.

After I eat something tomorrow.

Happy Easter xx

Happy Easter

Wahhh.

Just a mega quick post as I'm trying out blogging from my iPhone. I rarely do this as its so clunky and I haven't found a great platform to do so. So just a quick one for now! 

And I don't even have that much to say, other than today kind of sucked. It started when I skipped my morning exercise. I feel like shit because of it. I planned on going for a walk before boot camp, just my usual, and then parking further away from work- something I have conveniently not been doing lately.

I woke up at 4am and thought I could hear it rain. I checked one of my weather apps, and although I don't think it was raining at 4am, it said there was a prediction of a thunderstorm at 5am. I didn't want to go to the effort of getting up at 4am just to have it storm just as I start walking. I can't use my treadmill at the moment as I have a friend staying in the room where I keep that. So I decided to sleep an extra hour, and just get up at 5am for boot camp.

I slept through my alarm slightly, to the point I would have missed too much of boot camp to make it worthwhile still going. So I went back to sleep, slept a little too late again, and because I was focusing on the time of getting to work, I parked close to work without even thinking, so essentially skipped my third 'session' in a row! :(

I felt so annoyed at missing my exercise. I stuck to my food, but I had a headache for a lot of the day. Then when I was leaving work, a friend asked me how I went today (with the no DC), as we'd had a big discussion on it earlier in the day. I was so out of it and a bit dizzy again that I looked at her blankly and had no idea why she was asking me how I went today. She had to remind me of the no DC...I was so not with it.

Quitting Diet Coke and going back to eating well on the same day was quite ambitious. Although risky, I'm going to ride with it. That doesn't mean it's not hard though. :( The withdrawals from DC and caffeine are not fun, but the food factor is even harder - I can't comfort myself with half a tub of ice cream after a bad day like I could have just a few days ago. I had a bad afternoon which wasn't helped by not being able to binge on DC or food.

I don't know if I was actually hungry but when I got home or just annoyed at my day and frustrated I couldn't stuff my face, but I ate a 1/4 of a packet of cheese Peckish crackers. I turned the oven on to cook my dinner. I then said to myself I had no motivation or desire to cook, and all I wanted to do was eat the rest of the rice crackers. So I did. One packet of Peckish rice crackers as dinner - ahhh Kate.

Oh well. I'll just hope tomorrow is better. I know I have to put the effort in to get to where I want to be....but some days it's really hard. :(

Day 1: tick

20 hours no Diet Coke, and counting.

Haha just kidding.  Yes, it's been 20 hours without Diet Coke, but I'm not counting.  I'm going ok!  I got faint signs of a slight headache around 5-6pm, but it didn't really eventuate.  I actually felt slightly dizzy, but that could be also my body crying out in shock because I had less food today, too.  I had plenty of food - but I cut out the bingeing crap today, so essentially it was a lot less food!

I weighed myself and did measurements today and it's pretty horrifying.  One day in a little

while I'll share my weight again, but for now there's only 1 other person who knows how much I've stacked it on.  The numbers themselves don't horrify me, it's the way my body feels when it's this size.  The number just labels how my body feels.  And it feels awful.  Ill fitting clothes is just the outer tip of the iceberg that is weight gain.  I'll slowly share other such stuff that I've accounted again, soon, too.

But yep - other than the 'almost headache' and feeling a bit faint for like 5min., I got through it ok.  Habitually I kept wanting to go to the vending machine, but it was just out of habit rather than craving, so it was ok.  I think cutting down over 8 weeks has been the best thing for me, as it wasn't a harsh shock today, physically or mentally.

Anyway, just wanted to touch base (in one of my shortest posts ever!) and to check in.  I

signed up for March Round of 12WBT today also, and that starts in just under 2 weeks.  That's just to keep me on track, but I know what to do and I'm already doing it. 

It's a little hard tonight food wise, but I have to remain strong.  I hate everything that comes with being this size, so if I want everything that comes with being smaller, I have to stick with it.

Day 1 of restarting (for the 452nd time) is a bit more crushing than Day 1 of starting.  Regaining weight is not fun, nor is having to lose it again.

But that's where I find myself, so I have to suck it up and put in the hard yards.  Again.

Love ya, 
Kate xo