Sunday, 14 April 2013

Why doesn't it feel real?

So above - that photo?  10 and a half months ago, that happened.


And this morning, this happened:

And it feels so weird!!

Jumping on 'Sarah'
I don't know how I feel.  We all know how much I have been pining for this moment for a long time now :)  Maybe because I've been wanting it for so long, it doesn't seem real yet.  I have been racing to the scales for weeks now - there's been a few teasers but it ultimately keeps ticking over to a number starting with "1".  This morning - finally, after many weigh ins, complaints, whingeing, bingeing, annoyance, shocks, not to mention the 10 months of bloody hard work, it actually happened.  For those who read an earlier post of mine, I told my friend Sarah who happened to be staying over that I would jump on her in the morning when I got under 100.  That was a few weeks ago now so this morning I fake jumped on 'her' anyway and sent her the pictures instead ;) 

I still have 35kg to go - so there's a few more milestones to be had, not to mention my ultimate goal.  But today's one is such a significant one.

Yet I don't feel it.  I guess I still feel like the 100+kg girl.  I've been her for so long - she doesn't just leave because the scales flick over on a random Sunday.

My beautiful friend MAK <3 said to make sure I celebrate today on the inside as well.  Such wise words - coz it's not all about the body, or the kilos, or the outside.  I was supposed to be doing Colour Run today but it's been postponed due to the weather.  How awesome would that have been, to do the happiest fun run on the planet the day I get under 100? :)  I'll have to celebrate that way at a later date now.

But for now, I have to start trying to shift my mindset to truly believe within myself that I weigh just '2 digits'.  It doesn't resonate yet!

I was telling someone new to 12WBT a few weeks ago how the journey itself is so amazing and I suddenly got all teary eyed.  I guess it's because in that very conversation, I realised that if I started at 141kg and got down to 65kg overnight, I would be skinny.

And.....err.....that would be it.

The way we're doing it is this exciting adventure - and I love it!  Doing it this way I laugh, I meet these amazing people, I learn about myself, I get stronger inside and out, I run, I fall, I slide down mountains, I run up them, I 'tri', I push myself, I better myself, I share, I fuck up, I stand up again, I fuck up again and stand up some more, I make goals and sometimes I reach them, sometimes I change them and sometimes I don't make them, I get more comfortable with my body each day, I realise that I can do things I never believed I could do, and I realise that there is comfort in failure.  Because it gives me this freedom to try whatever I want to do, or whatever I want to achieve, at any given moment.

About 10 years ago I lost 30kg - I specifically remember the day I got to 30kg down - because I was crying in the gym.  Something upset me, I don't remember what - but the point is, it was a great lesson because I realised that day that losing weight doesn't make you happy.  Shit still happens whether you're 70kg or 170kg.  Today I had a similar thing.  99kg whoohoo!  Yes it is whoohoo but something today also seriously upset me.  99kg doesn't make you happy.  Losing weight doesn't protect you from life upsets.  Learning this is just another part of this whole adventure.

This is my vlog for this weeks 12WBT weekly challenge, about how we are making the impossible, possible.  It's just 1 minute of what I think it's about.  It's not about the's about creating ourselves and learning about ourselves each day.  You have to love the adventure, otherwise you won't stay on it.  It's not all great - some of it is bloody hard.  But it is worth it.  The key is to love it.  Even when it takes so bloody long to get to the 99 :)

Next step = feeling like I am in the 90's.



  1. You did it, baby! I'm so proud of you my heart hurts! :)

    1. Sweetest thing anyone has said to me...thank you so much :) :) xoxoo

  2. Soooo proud for you! Well done!

    Lisa Q

  3. You did it!!! You little ripper.