Last week, when I did my 32km (33km) birthday walk, I felt like stopping to eat a banana that I had brought with myself. I had already walked 11km, I hadn't really eaten breakfast, I was about to run 5km flat out, and I was hungry! I just felt like sitting down and resetting, with my banana. And Diet Coke.
I mean, water. (haha yes it was Diet Coke - this was the week before No More Diet Coke).
I almost didn't let myself sit down and enjoy it. I got concerned, thinking, if I sat down and
|I actually took a photo of the banana (of course!)|
I've alluded to the fact on here that over the past few weeks, I have been struggling, weight loss wise a bit. Well, it's not a bit, it's a lot. It's culminated to the point of, over the last week, I have gone back to old habits...Binge City.
Part of the reason was The 100 Issue. The whole "I can't bloody get past the 100kg barrier" thing. That was getting me so down. I had been working so hard for weeks. Eating perfectly - exercising like a mad woman (I mean MAD) - doing everything right - yet the scales were not shifting. It got to me so much and I imagine it got to everyone around me. Because from someone who was doing ok on this journey, I suddenly turned into this whinging complainer girl.
I then gave up Diet Coke and as I explained in this post, I suddenly realised that I no longer had an unhealthy addiction to turn to when things get tough - and even when they don't. The 4th thing in the magic 4 addictions was gone - bye bye alcohol, cigarettes, food and diet soft drinks. Such a big thing for me to say goodbye to the last one.
So what do I do? I turn back to one of my old habits, food. So not cool.
The non Diet Coke thing has actually been going well. Aside from a few habitual moments
that have me a bit flustered, it's been ok. I was out the other day and didn't think there was any drinks that I could order from the menu. I almost burst into tears as I felt so upset. It wasn't fair! Going back to work today after the long weekend was hard. I was walking to the office and my first thought was "I'll sit down to a nice, cold Diet Coke when I walk in." Umm, no. I keep forgetting that I don't drink it anymore. I announced it on my personal Facebook to tell as many of my friends and family as possible that I no longer drink it. This move was specifically to try and help me me tell as many of them as possible, to try and reduce the times they might offer it to me moving forward. So far so good and everyone I've spoken to so far has been supportive.
It's now Day 4 and I have not had 1 headache yet! I'm on fairly strong painkillers at the moment though so I think that they are masking any potential headaches before they appear, but still, I am surprised.
So, when people ask me how I'm going with the no Diet Coke thing, I have been saying that I am coping quite well!
Then I got honest with myself with what I have been doing. I've been eating to make up for the no Diet Coke! Binge eating does not equal 'coping well'. Binge eating is very much so not coping well! So, I guess, I may not have had any Diet Coke, but no, I am not coping well with it.
On the weekend I tried on a crop top that when I bought it a year ago, it didn't fit. It now fits! I was so excited that I took a photo and compared it to one of me last year, trying it on when it didn't fit. This in turn saw me comparing different undies before and afters, and publishing one on Instagram etc. It started off just being a "crop top fitting comparison" shot, to just a general before and after undies shot. Which turned into me sharing it. Which turned into me taking a good hard look at where I have been, where I currently am, and where I am headed. I realised that I needed time to refocus. When you have 76kg to lose, it takes a while to do. So maybe now that I'm halfway I'm having a little reshift? Kind of like a mid life crisis, but it's a mid weight loss journey crisis. :)
A few things over the past couple of days have made me realise some stuff. I had a D&M with one of my best friends who's known me since I was 12. I have never opened up to her that much about my weight before. But it all came tumbling out. She sees sense, she knows me and she's 1000% supportive. After chatting to her, I realised what I needed to do. I also had a chat to another friend which helped. She's like my sister, she also sees a lot of sense, and even though she's only known me for less than a year, she knows me so well. It's quick random chats like these that can help change you so much.
And there's something that I heard Mish say on The Biggest Loser last night. I can't remember it exactly, but whatever she was saying, she said to a contestant, "if you're serious about this..."
I realised immediately that I am. That word just made me stop. I realised that I have to stop dicking around and going back to old habits when the going gets tough. I mean, I can go back there, sure. But am I SERIOUS about getting to my goal weight? I knew immediately, that yes, I am. That's all I needed to realise.
So tomorrow I reset. I quit Diet Coke again. Not in the sense of stopping drinking it - I haven't touched any since Saturday. But masking the void with food is not really quitting it. Tomorrow I don't turn to Diet Coke still, but I also don't turn to food.
Tomorrow I realise that I am halfway and it's ok to stop for a while, reset, refuel, mix things up, replan and then keep going. It's a long journey. I don't know of many people who could go through this whole thing with no issues or stuff ups. I've had my little mid way crisis, my 100 breakdown, my relapse. Time to move on.
Tomorrow I realise that I don't need everything in my life to be going swimmingly to be able to put my health at the forefront of my focus. I've been 'doing it' through rough times before, I can do it again. Things are a bit tough right now; I have a few things going on in my personal life that are causing me a lot of stress and worry. These take so much of my focus and energy. But working hard on my weight loss helps me in the other areas anyway. I have to separate these things and get back on track regardless of how the rest of my life is. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, new week, new month, special dates, they all don't work. There's always going to be a tomorrow that you can push getting back on track off to. The trick is to WANT to do it.
Tomorrow I remember that I am serious about this.
Tomorrow I start my home run. And I know there'll be bumps and falls and lessons and the whole shebang I had in the first half. It's cool.
I said at the beginning of this post, if I stop to eat a banana in the middle of a 32km walk, did I still walk 32km?
If I give myself time to stop, refocus and reset in the middle of losing 76kg, did I still lose 76kg?
It's just part of the journey. I just had to accept it.
I keep going back to this quote that I stole off Sarah McGee a long time ago - it's so true. I felt better telling some friends about this past week/weeks - so time to put it out there even further. Saying it out loud. Let it all go, all unravel.
Giddy up, the rest of it is about to start :) xo
P.S. Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement with my Diet Coke project, and my 100kg complaining...you'll all be the first to know when I finally hit it :)