WE ALREADY KNOW

I'm lying in bed and can't sleep because my chest and stomach actually hurt. Not from pain, nothing's physically wrong, but it hurts. Like when someone's cruel to you. Or some you care about isn't kind. Like when the blood rushes out of you because someone's pushing you away. Or like when someone stabs you in the back.

It's actually hurting and I can't sleep.

Usually when I blog it's a 5 hour affair. No joke- it takes me sooo long to write. I write directly on my laptop, get the right photos uploaded, proof read, and no matter how much I try, it takes hours. Then again - have you read the length of my posts? ;)

Anyway this one is different. I'm lying in my bed on my side, typing this into my iPhone notes. I don't intend on finding a pretty picture and because I'll be posting it from my phone, I'm limited in what I can do. But that's ok, because (as always) it's the content that's the most important. And I need to get this out before I go to sleep.

If you follow me on social media you may have seen my post earlier tonight about how I read something that I shouldn't have. I'll screenshot it and include it when I transfer this from my iPhone notes to Blogger.

Instead of repeating it, you can just read it yourself:

Firstly, thank you so so SO much for the tons of comments I've been receiving on all platforms and a couple of friends who even called and texted. I feel so supported and you've all helped ease the hurt a little. I'm going to read the comments properly tomorrow but please know that they have not gone unnoticed.

This whole issue has me so riled up that it's ridiculous. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm supposed to be recovering today after an overwhelming day in hospital yesterday yet instead I feel even more unsettled than I did this morning. I was fragile but handling it, but now I just hurt.

I still get incredulous when I find out that people are talking about my weight, as if I don't know that it's an issue.

I read this thing years ago, and I have never forgotten it. It explains how I feel to a TEE. I've had a pretty decent Google search to see if I can find it, as it's right on the money, but I can't. If anyone knows where it originated from, or if anyone has a copy, please let me know as I would love to give credit to the brilliant author.

Basically it was one of those agony aunt /  "Ask Alice" columns in a magazine or newspaper. (I don't know if the authors name was indeed Alice, but you get the picture).

"Alice" or whoever she was, would answer satirical, clever responses to her readers questions.

One day someone wrote in and I'm going to write this out as best as I can remember. It went something like this:


Dear Alice,

I have a problem. My sister is really overweight and my mum and myself don't know what to do about it. We're worried about her health and we know it's a sensitive subject and we don't know how to broach it.

Please help, how do we tell her that she's fat and needs to do something about it?

From L.K.

-----

Dear L.K.,

Thanks for your message. It seems you and your mum really care about your sister.

Now, this may come as a shock, and I really hate to break this to you, but if she's fat,....... SHE ALREADY KNOWS.

Love, Alice


Alice's response was a little longer but I'll never forget that golden line: "SHE ALREADY KNOWS."

We already know! We know people care and I get that people want to help and they're worried about our health and our wellbeing and most of the time it's done out of deep love and concern and is almost always well meaning. 

But, as "Alice" said, SHE ALREADY KNOWS. WE ALREADY KNOW. I ALREADY KNOW.

I know it every morning when I pull on the same black outfits every day because they're the only items that both fit and more effectively hide the skin rolls that I'm so self conscious about.

I know it every time I leave the house and someone, anyone looks at me.

I know it every time I sit in a chair in my doctors waiting room, hoping that when she calls my name, I won't become wedged in the sides of the chair as I stand up, and take the chair with me. It hasn't happened yet, but it's a fear every single visit.

I know it every time I'm a bridesmaid and I go to a fitting with smaller fellow bridesmaids and blink back tears when the bride isn't looking because I don't look as pretty as the other girls.

I know it every time a medical professional uses the "Extra large adult" sized cuff to take my blood pressure, kindly trying not to be obvious about it. I know they're crimson in colour, I know when I see one. We both pretend that it's the normal adult cuff, but we both know the truth.

I know it every time a particular relative glances me up and down every.single.time. he greets me, seemingly believing I can't tell where his eyes avert to. :/ #pleaseforoncejusthugmefirstbeforecheckingmyweight

I know it every time I see girls, women, friends, colleagues, strangers, in gorgeous outfits. In clothes that they may not think twice about but I envy with all my might, mentally visualising what I would choose to wear right now instead of my black "uniform", if I was their size.

I know it every time I take one step inside a clothing store, and the sales assistant either completely ignores me or does the "Pretty Woman thing" to me. Yes, that doesn't just happen in 1990's L.A.

I know it with every break down of tears I have in shop dressing rooms, because nothing fits. That's if it make it in there in the first place. I stopped putting myself through that torture years ago.

I know it with every heavy step I take, with every breath I take when walking up stairs, with every shower I take, with every time I'm in public, with every moment of every fucking day.

I have been trying to take action since I was 16 years old. (And on and off, before that, right from the age of 12). 

You don't need to tell me. You don't need to want a doctor to tell me. You don't need to wish that I would take action.

I've been actioning it for longer than you even recognised it was a problem. I action it every second of every day. Even when I'm not eating well, even when it doesn't appear so, I'm actioning it. I'm slipping in those times - but even that's part of the journey.

I understand that people who have never been overweight, obese, fat etc., don't get it. I'm glad they don't get it! I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

But please - PLEASE. If you know someone who is overweight, please trust me - you don't have to worry about telling them. I don't know what the answer is- it's different for everyone - but maybe just support them, talk to them, ask them questions, ask what you can do to help, stand by them, try to understand, encourage them.

But please don't think that you need to tell them.

Because as Alice says, and I wholeheartedly back up, WE ALREADY KNOW.

And I'll bet you that more times than not, you'll be able to tell this by looking for the constant lump in our throat, choking back tears. I can't speak on behalf of everyone, but trust me, most of us not only know, but we ARE actioning it. 

My subscriber email function has a mind of its own

Hi hi!

I'm in the middle of writing a new post, and started to include this (unrelated) stuff in it.  The post I'm writing is important and is already going to be a Kate style length, so I didn't want to clutter it with off topic random stuff.  Hence, this is a new post just to explain something quickly.

Last week I was trying to clean up some of my posts on here, because I have about 20-30 draft posts.  Some of which ended up becoming published posts but they took 1 or 2 goes; a couple that I published and then changed my mind and reverted them back into drafts; and then a whole stack of posts that I started but never finished.

While I was trying to clean them up, I republished a couple of very old ones, but they

Cartoon Kate

somehow posted as new, and then seemed to have triggered a couple of subscriber emails to be sent out- one highlighting my old/new blog post, and another sending what is approximately the last years worth of blog posts in one email.

Augh.  I don't know why, but the subscriber email thing on my blog doesn't seem to work.  I've always been on my own mailing list, (to see what gets sent out, not because I like emailing myself)😉 and over the years of writing this blog, I've never seen any consistency in the emails that I receive.  I've always just hoped that my mind-of-their-own, irregular emails in my inbox were random because I was the author, and that everyone who subscribed got a clean, pretty email each time I posted, but it appears that I'm blonde, and that's not the case.

So, if you received some oddly timed emailed posts from me last week, then please know that I possibly wrote one or two of the posts a few years ago.  And if you received an email with a years worth of blog posts all on one email: happy reading!  Jokes.

I'll try and work out what the email issue is 'one day', but it's not high on the priority list for now sorry.  If you want to keep up to date with my blog, it's probably best that you read them 'live' here, and don't rely on emails as they seem to come but once a year.😊  And if you've relied on them up till now, you may have a fair bit of catch up reading to do!😑  Sorry.  I've also just disabled the function for now until I sort it out.

So, with that said, I'm off to finish off this other new post.  It'll be up on my blog soon; either tonight or tomorrow.  

And it may or may not be emailed to you, possibly around April next year.😉 

1 month and 10kg down!

A few weeks ago I wrote a post titled "How to put on 10kg in 4 weeks".

Well tonight, I could in fact have called this post "How to lose 10kg in 4 weeks." 

Because I did it!  10.3kg in fact!

So I reset myself on Wednesday 8th February, and today being Wednesday 8th March is exactly 4 weeks and 1 month later!  (#datelover #geek)

This morning I weighed in with a loss of 1.9kg for the last week, which brings me to a loss of 10.3kg for the 4 weeks / month!

This past week has been the 'easiest' food wise.  Only in the sense that I haven't felt pangs to binge, and I haven't binged.  I was thinking this morning that maybe it has something to do with that whole "it takes 21 days to form a habit" thing.  Either way, it wasn't as hard as the previous 3 weeks.

I had my usual Saturday cal free day and went slightly to town with my favourite foods, and also had 2 ice blocks on Monday night.  Oh, and last Thursday night I had a family dinner and joined everyone in pre-dinner chips and dip, hoed into a large serving of my favourite family pasta dish, and then had apple

Thursday night pre-dinner snacks

crumble with ice cream, which I didn't even feel I needed, but just mindlessly had it...mmm I forgot about that night until I started writing this!

But I guess that's the point - I didn't feel I was doing the 'wrong' thing, I was just living normally, without a second thought.  And that's what I mean in that this week has been the 'easiest'.  I haven't overthought things, I've just had my planned meals and gotten on with it.  

Doing my (hated) meal prep has been the key - I haven't had too much room to reconsider things or be tempted to, I don't know, get takeaway sushi on the way home, just as an example....

I've been packing my lunch bag each night, grabbing it in the morning and defrosting dinners and smoothie bags during the day.

I have wasted three pieces of fish though, which is annoying, as it's really expensive and I took time (and a lot of whining and whingeing hatred) to prep those three pieces!  

...and apple crumble

One was because I lost my appetite briefly on Friday night (more on that later) - I cooked it up but just had ZERO desire to eat it once it was cooked.  I think I had two mouthfuls.  SO unlike me.

Another was because my oven broke a couple of nights ago.  The fish usually takes 15-20min to cook, and it was in there for 1 hour 20min and it still wasn't cooked the whole way through.  I took it out and thought it was okay, but in the end I didn't completely trust it, so erred on the side of food poisoning caution, and threw it out.

And the third was because I began defrosting the following nights fish before I realised that the oven was definitely broken.  I kept it in the fridge but I'm on Day 3 of no working oven, so into the bin it sadly went.

Seeing as my planned dinners all need my oven, and I'm eating at home every night this week is annoying, but hey, it's a pretty big first world problem, isn't it?  It should be fixed within a few days.

The first night I had the sweet potato chips that were (semi) cooking along with my fish for that 1 hour 20.  (And I topped my daily cals up with those two ice blocks I just mentioned haha).

Last night I used the microwave to defrost and heat up my second batch of protein pancakes for the day; and then tonight I had breaky for dinner - bacon and eggs on the stove.

Because I'm getting through my pancakes and fish quite quickly, I can see another meal prep being needed quite soon.

BUT!

This week I decided I want to buy a chest freezer.  It's something I've thought of over the years but never really felt it was really needed.  After last weeks prep though, I couldn't fit my meals in the freezer.  I'm VERY experienced at what I call 'freezer

Ha!  I'm not the only one according to Google images!

Jenga', but even I couldn't fit everything I made into the freezer.  As in, 10 containers had to go in my fridge temporarily.  I almost wasted food because of it, and I think I'm just finally sick of having things fly out at me whenever I open the freezer door, so I started researching freezers.

I'm really excited about it!  When I lost that 20kg in 12 weeks a few years ago, I remember Tim from 12WBT bowing to me on stage when I won Top Transformation.  He was so impressed that I had prepared 3 MONTHS of meals and food to see me through the round.

Looking back at it, I'd bow for myself if I wasn't lying on my bed with my laptop propped up on my thighs, typing away.  I can't believe I did that, but I did.  I remember people asking me at the time how huge my freezer was, assuming I had some type of Mary Poppins never-ending spaced freezer.  But really, it's just your average freezer.  It's a good size, don't get me wrong, but it's not anything out of the ordinary.

By the way - TRY THESE. My new favourite snack.

Anyway this thought has been going through my head all week and I've decided I want one!  It'll help me fit ALL of my prepped meals away, and also be able to stock up on things when they're on special.  At the moment I have to limit what I stock up on and I'd love to grab say a few bags of mixed berries if they're on special so that I can save money, rather than just buying one bag because that's all I can fit.

I'd also like to do a larger meal prep, maybe to give me meals to see me through one month.  

Let me rephrase that.  

I am planning to do a larger meal prep, maybe to give me meals to see me through one month.  I won't like it, I will hate it soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.  But when I spend say 4 hours prepping 2 weeks of meals, it wouldn't take me much longer to double the output.  The meal prep itself, cutting ingredients etc. takes up most of the time, so while I'm at it, I may as well make more quantities. (eg. 1x 6 hour prep = 4 weeks of meals instead of 2x 4 hour preps to give me the same amount).

Also, I'd only be hatin' one day a month (having to food prep, doing pained expressions on my Snapchat) rather than twice!

Protein pancake mixture

ANYWAY.  I have literally just rambled away tonight, with no real structure to this post - just telling you my thoughts and that I'm currently working on "Operation Find The Cheapest Freezer" in the background this week.  No more freezer Jenga!

Another extra freezer benefit and one I'm excited about, is that my beloved friend Courtney told me some life changing news this week: that it's possible to freeze green smoothies!  

I know!  This is as incredible as the "you can freeze feta" discovery I had earlier this year.  The feta discovery has changed my life and I believe this will too!  I have to speak to her more about it but what I know is that she's road tested it this week, freezing (blended) green smoothies in mason jars, and it's worked.😊

I've never been a fan of putting food in jars, only because they're glass, heavy, impractically sized, and I always think things will spill out of them.  However I can't

Prepped smoothie bags

judge until I try - and if this will allow me to skip the step of making my smoothie bags and actually allow me to MAKE my breakfasts during food prep instead of prepping them and then blending them up twice a week, then I am there!

Also, coincidentally, the last 2 days my green smoothies have leaked through my lunch bag.  Just a small amount has leaked out - the seals on the bottles I use aren't the greatest.  (By the way I'm so grateful that I found that plastic insert lunch bag!)  But yes - I will be stoked not to have my lunch floating in apple-y spinach liquid anymore!

While I ramble about my kitchen, this week I'm also going to do a big pantry clean out.  I might Snapchat about that because I can't be bothered to explain it - I think I'm over typing tonight :)

Sorry for the rambling but I just wanted to say hey, let you know that I hit the 10kg

Also, I've started doing this calendar!

mark,...and apparently blab about my kitchen...

Don't get too excited, because if you've followed me for any length of time, you'll know that I've lost 10kg before...many a time.  And put it on again...many a time.  But I won't give up, so hopefully this is me on my way to being at a comfortable weight again.

Next step is to start to reintegrate exercise again....but that is a story for a whole other blog post.😊

Sorry about the kitchen talk, chat later,
Love Kate xoxo

P.S. A milestone last week that I can't skip over - on the 1st March it was exactly 5 years since I quit smoking, and 1 year since I stopped drinking Diet Coke!