So....I quickly scanned over my previous post, from last week, and man do I sound whiney! Geez...I deserved a lot of violins for that little outburst. I'm a bit embarrassed; I know I was a bit over the top. But truly, Hangriness is a real condition:
and I had it bad. Looking back, I can't get over how angry and upset I was - one day of no food - get over it, Kate. But, in the moment....!
Anyway, the procedure itself....where do I start.
It was horrible. Keep in mind, I've been putting this off for a year. So for a whole year, I've had the exact same conversation with so many people. Truly, it sounded scripted, it was that uncanny that everyone said the same thing to attempt to comfort me:
"It's not that bad. The preparation is the worst part, the actual procedure is nothing."
As much as I was terrified, in the back of my mind, I actually did believe the 36 friends, family and GP's who said this to me in the lead up.
But for me, it wasn't like that. Aside from my hissy fits about wanting food in the lead up, the preparation for me wasn't too bad at all. The stuff I had to drink wasn't that awful. Yeah, it cleaned me out, but I wasn't attached to the bathroom full time all night like I was expecting.
What I was doing all night though, was staying awake. I could not sleep. It must have just been anxiety about the next day. I ended up sleeping 4am-6am - before that though, I was annoyingly wide awake.
The reasons I was so nervous about it, and put it off for a year, is that two of my biggest fears, are surgery, and anaesthetic. I don't know why, maybe just because other than 2 moles and a tooth that I've had cut and pulled out, I've never had surgery. And I've never had anything more than a local anaesthetic. I'm such an independent control freak, that I'm petrified about being knocked out, and having people do things to me while I'm not aware. Terrified. And while a colonoscopy is a procedure, rather than surgery, in my mind it's just as bad. Besides - mine ended up being surgery.
On top of that, despite what you may think if you ever saw my before and after underwear photos on Instagram (that I've since deleted), I am the most private / modest / prudish person in the world. I can't handle anyone seeing anything....
So it's little wonder that I put it all off for a year, and then couldn't sleep the night before. I was battling 3 of my fears in one. Not to mention potential results.
In procedural medical terms, the colonoscopy itself went well, as it should. In Kate terms, it was traumatic and devastating. I won't put you through the detail, but I am genuinely still reeling. All of those people who said it wasn't that bad....I wish they were right. My apologies if you're reading this and about to have one yourself! I'm sure you'll be fine :) Mine just happened to be just very situationally upsetting, while facing 3 major fears at once.
And sadly, the results weren't entirely happy-go-lucky. They could have been worse, so I'm very grateful, and relieved that I've had it done now so we know what's going on. But it's been a pretty horrible week, and one of the worst parts is, I have to do it all over again in 12 weeks! :( :( :( :( Mark that in your diaries and maybe skip reading my social media around that time: Hangry Kate will be lurking, I am sure.
I'm still trying to understand the results and what it all means. It's pretty confusing. (And it didn't help that my doctor didn't come and speak to me, and my nurse read out my results to me as I walked through a busy waiting room and in the hospital public lift, and when I asked what it all meant, her response was: "look it up on the internet"......) I had a very anxious few days Googling / trying not to Google before I got to see my GP's. :(
The positives are that I've now had it done. I've also popped my surgery / procedure and anaesthetic cherries. (Although it was only twilight sedation). And despite me having an awful experience, and the private / naked issue thing is still very much real, I'm now not AS scared about surgery and anaesthetic.
I didn't realise how terrified I really was about it all. I've had 4 years of literally dozens of hospital visits. So much so that a hospital admin staff commented on how thick my patient file was. I'm so familiar with my hospital that I know which rooms have the best mobile
|Selfie snap to a friend to say it was over!|
I know it was such a little thing, and people have major actual surgery every day: so of course I have perspective. But we can only be scared of our own bucket, and can't always control what makes us anxious messes. This is just mine.
And do you want to know the worst thing? I say the word 'worst' in jest, don't worry.
Leading up to this whole thing, I thought that one HUGE positive is that surely after a 'colon cleanse', I will lose weight! I heard you can have kilos of waste in that area, and this was the only part I was looking forward to.
I weighed myself before and after said cleanse, and do you know what?
I PUT ON 500g. WTH?? So.not.fair. What is with that!
Anyway, enough chatter about my backside I think!
You'll be proud to know that even after an anxiety filled week, I am still Diet Coke free. :)
I did however, have 2 soft drinks. Like my ones I mentioned in my previous post, though, there were reasons behind them. I had a frozen Coke with my sister-in-law as she drove me home from hospital. I hadn't eaten in 36 hours, and she went through drive through to get me some food. A drink came with it - and I chose a frozen Coke. At the time I was thinking 'frozen = refreshing' and wasn't even thinking that it was Coke! (Not DC though).
It was fine....but then on the weekend I was at a pub for a family event and my Mum asked me if she could buy me a drink. I'd traveled interstate and had stayed with family the night before, so I'd been on the go and didn't have my usual access to my home or work fridges. I was actually a little dehydrated. I'd had a sparkling water when I arrived, but it hadn't hit the spot, and I really wanted something refreshing. So I asked Mum for a lemonade.
It was perfect and it was just what I needed. So that was fine.
However. The days that followed, I found myself craving soft drink again! Just after that seemingly harmless frozen Coke and refreshing lemonade over a 5 day period!
I don't know whether it means I'll always have a risky desire for soft drinks - I hope not. It might just be too soon to quitting my DC to make assumptions like that. Either way, it was a bit scary and very annoying! I really, really wanted one. I got through it though, and after about 2 or 3 days the craving was over. My quit thing was DC, but as I've said before, I don't want my new crux to be one of the other dozen or so soft drinks, as they're just as bad for me. And addictive.
Anyway I am outta here, I will be back very soon as I have a few more stories from this week to update you on!
Ciao bellas. xo