|Second workout today. No excuses.|
I'll try to keep this a brief post but I just wanted to share where I'm at, and share my goals for this round.
Really, to put it bluntly, this whole year has been a write off in the weight loss stakes. When I say 'whole year', I mean from February till now. Up to February I was smashing the kg's like there was nothing else. And I plan to do the same from here on in.
But all those months in between, well....they weren't so great.
This is no secret, I've shared this here before. But I guess what I haven't told you, is just how bad it has gotten.
Do you know how some people (maybe it's you, maybe you've heard of people doing this),
|Top up grocery shop + cool stuff in the post (no bills!)|
Or have you seen those reporters on current affair TV shows don fat suits and go undercover into malls, to film how they are treated when they're bigger?
Well I've done something not so great. I've done it, for real. If I forgot what it was like to carry extra weight, well, I've taken the experiment too realistically, because boy do I remember now! Instead of wearing a fat suit for an hour (or adding weights to clothes like I did once), I've added the kilos, for real.
No ----- I am not back where I started. No. However, I have still gone so far backwards, that it's pretty shocking to me.
No, I didn't plan on this. I didn't lose 50kg by January and feel absolutely amazing, starting to really allow myself to remember.
|Day 1 back into it, and I am faced with 90 free pizzas for lunch! Augh!|
I did not plan to do this.
But somehow, it's happened. It doesn't matter 'why' too much - I've analysed myself thoroughly anyway. What matters moreso, is how terrifyingly awful it feels, to find myself reverting to previous behaviour, that I had when I was bigger.
Before I lost weight, I had 2 outfits that I wore day in, day out. I recycled these outfits
|I broke my parkrun drought this morning!|
Guess what I've found myself wearing lately? All black.
It's terrifying me.
I left my all black clothes days way back ages ago. To find myself reverting to black again, and having to wash said black clothes almost nightly, when I have a walk in wardrobe filled to the BRIM with awesome, colourful clothes, is almost soul destroying.
This is just one of my old behaviours I can see creeping back in. I've started getting anxious about seatbelts on planes again. They fit fine! But the fact that I'm getting anxious (for good reason, mind you), is a bit of a worry.
|Greek salad I made yesterday to accompany the next 6 meals|
I've started hiding from photos again.
My worsening back isn't helping with this, but my running is getting more painful, and more slow....
There's more stuff, but they're my main pain points.
It's like a nightmare that's actually come true. Or like I've closed my eyes and pretended I'm wearing a fat suit for a day. But I've opened my eyes, and it's stuck on me. It's not a suit, it's me. No! It's like I've taken an experiment too far. I don't mean this has been an experiment though! Not at all. It's just how it feels.
If I kept going, I would eventually get back up to my start weight, and even heavier. There's no way that I want that, or would let myself. The damage I've done already is more than
enough. I need to stop it here, before I go too far.
I've had a few false re-starts this year, like 152. But I tried for the 153rd time, at the start of the October round last week. New rounds give fresh hope to everyone. It's like New Years Day. The day is no different to the day before, but everyone feels hopeful. Me included. I love it.
So I geared myself up and tried to pull myself out of the hole I was digging for myself for the 153rd time. I went ok, until I went away for the weekend. I allowed myself to relax with food while I was away, but I am not good at stopping that relaxed mindset, once I get home. Week 2 has been an up and down battle to get myself back on track. I tried again yesterday morning, for Attempt #154.
So we're 2 weeks in, and I've had a stumbling start to the round, but I'm ok. I know inside me that I've got this.
I have a whole list of stuff that will help me, including some mini goals that I've set, so that I won't get overwhelmed by the big picture.
I've split the weight I have still yet to lose up into 8 parts. Each mini goal is pretty significant - either a number on the scales that I want to see, or a point in time where I want to feel good about myself.
Goal #1 is my boot camp trip, to Stradbroke Island (Straddie). It's 5 weeks away, and I want to feel confident when I go across with my team mates. So this is my first goal.
Goal #2 is Christmas Eve.
Goal #3 is New Years Eve.
Goal #4 is Week 12 of this round.
|The clothes I had collected|
Goal #5 is my birthday.
Goal #6 is weight based.
Goal #7 is also weight based.
Goal #8 is my ultimate goal - goal weight.
So while I have 8 little goals, all I'm trying to concentrate on for now, is Goal #1, Straddie. The beach. All I have to worry about is the next 5 weeks. Then I can move onto the next goal. But one thing at a time.
One of the new things I've done (as in, I just put it together last night), is redoing my rewards system.
My old rewards system was a bit outdated, as in, I set the rewards so long ago. The other issue is, I can never afford my rewards when I achieve them!
So I'm in the middle of rehashing them. Yesterday I went to the $2 shop and spent $8 on
buying little gift bags. They're presents for me. I've gotten a few pieces of One Active clothing lately when it's been mega cheap, on sale. With the tags still on, I've put a piece into each bag, that I can start wearing each piece when I reach each goal. I also have an anklet that I bought months ago, to give to myself when I got to a certain weight. I've put that into my Goal 4's bag. :) I'm going to try and add to each bag the small things I'm aiming to reward myself with, along the way. Things like new nailpolish, movie tickets, magazines etc., or the cash for these things. Nothing too extravagant, but some pre-organised little presents. It's saving me money and making me excited to get each bag. It's probably a little weird, but man, seriously? I would wrap myself up in banana leaves and chant "Mary Had A Little Lamb"
|8 presents ready for ME!|
And I need all the little things right now.
I've also set my 12 mini milestones for this round - I'll add them to my Goals page, but here's a little overview:
Week 1: Girl In Blue. Yes, this one is back again. I still haven't done it! I set this goal ages ago and explained what it is in this post.
Week 2: Try a new parkun. This one is pretty self explanatory! I've been to 4 different parkruns before, and tend to stick to these ones. (When I actually go!) But I'd like to spread my parkrun wings and try a new one, just for a change.
Week 3: Walk home from work. I live 8km from work and haven't walked home in ages!
Week 4: Makeover and dinner. I did a mini makeover for myself last round, but didn't really feel anything at the end of it (probably because I did it over a week - one small thing a
|The anklet I've been waiting to wear|
Week 5: Iceskating. Another carry-over goal. Just for fun.
Week 6: Run Mt Coot-tha's loop road. Yep, another carry-over goal, explained in this post.
Week 7: Go to Luna Park. I've never been! Each time I'm in Sydney, I remember that I want to go. So I am aiming to do this, this round!
Week 8: Play a game of baseball. I haven't played it since I was in primary school. I used to love it!
Week 9: Buy togs. Wear togs. Explained in this post!
Week 10: Beach workout. You guessed it, explained in this post.
Week 11: Do the steep hill next to my old work. The title of this is pretty self
|Yesterday - 35 days till Straddie|
Week 12: Do a photoshoot. Another carry over goal. I just have a couple of vouchers that I haven't used yet. I was meant to do this last round but lost too much self confidence to do it...
I'll of course keep you up to date with how I go! And just a little message to anyone who's been in the same boat as I have been lately:
We always have the power to stand up and dust ourselves off. Forget about the failed attempts, just know that they've made us even stronger, and know that we can still get to where we want to be. It's not too late. We always have the power.
"Anything worth having is worth fighting for."