So this is a post about where I have been lately and where I am going. When I say 'lately', there is no definitive time frame, but essentially I kind of mean the whole of this year. I've been pretty open with the fact that I have lost 'around 40kg' and have made no secrets in that I haven't shifted much past that weight. I've explained how I've put on a few kg's here and lost them, then a few kg's there and lost them. I guess this post is to give you a little more insight into this. To tell you about just how much I've been at a stand still. About how I stopped myself from going too far backwards. And about how I am planning to fix this whole thing for good.
So I explained a few posts ago how I had been in a bit of a state of weight limbo - always 'around 40kgs down' - and was going to go back to being more accountable. I set myself up so well for this round - was going great guns!......until my car accident a few days into Week 1. I let myself unravel....and unravel....I actually stopped posting my weigh ins and Yellow Dress photos for a few weeks. Not because I didn't want to share, but because I was going so far backwards that sharing was having the opposite effect. Sharing became an upset and embarrassment for me at a time when I needed time and space to get my head together. Not only was me sharing unmotivating for those reading it, it was unmotivating for myself.
If you're a regular reader you'll know this isn't the first time I've had this caper. I've done the 'stuff up and reset' thing more times than I care to think about. But, in true 'Kate Time', I've finally processed what was going on and am back to having a clear focus of what I want. And this time, in a big way. I knew I wanted to get back into the game properly and stop this half assed shit. Which is quite lucky because I had been unravelling so much that I was out of control. On the day I kicked my own ass, I checked and saw that I had made it back up to 111kg. That number horrified me and it confirmed for me that enough was enough. I appreciate getting back up to 111kg though - because all my life I would have let that continue to rise and I would have gone right back up to where I started. However seeing 111kg and wanting to take action confirmed for me what I already knew - that this time is forever and I will not let myself go back.
Seeing the 111kg coincided with me realising that I was over not being at goal weight. I
was over not being consistently on my way to goal weight. I was over
having to make the same resolution every New Year, that *this* year I
would get to my goal weight. JFDI was at the top of my mind. There's
only so many months I can be at a stand still for before it starts
becoming an issue. I just want to get there! The stand still is officially over.
Those who know me know that my middle name is 'Goal' :) so my first step was to go about making my new goals to start getting me back on track. Some people may not see the importance of having an end number or date in mind. That's fine. I personally though thrive on dates and numbers. Without goals, I falter as I have no aim. I need goals like I need air. I am extremely flexible and change my goals all the time - things don't need to stay set in stone. But I need to have them there to start with, otherwise I don't know where I'm going.
But this time my goal setting was different. It took me a couple of weeks to settle on them. And here's why.
I worked out that my birthday falls on the exact same day as the Week 12 weigh in for Round 4. What a perfect date to aim to be my goal weight by! End of the round and my birthday? The numbers/details part of my brain started doing flip flops in prospective excitement of having such a perfect and well rounded date.
Until I realised how much I would have to lose in how much time to make that happen.
It wasn't realistic.
But it was such a perfect date!
But it wasn't realistic.
This sounds quite heavy but in doing this particular goal setting,
I was also trying to cure myself of the eating disorders I've had since
I was 16. Most of that stuff is in the past, but I
realised finally that there was one thing I was still very much doing wrong.
I was making S.M.A.T. goals.
I didn't spell that wrong. I meant to write, S.M.A.T. Using the
popular S.M.A.R.T. goals analogy, my goals were always Specific, Measurable, Attainable & Timely. Totally. I had the S.M.A.T. part downpat, baby! What I definitely didn't have downpat, however, was the magic letter 'R': Realistic. When it comes to weight loss, the 'R' is kind of an important one. My 'dream big' life mantra is wonderful but with weight loss I need to remember to 'dream big realistically'. Otherwise it just aint gonna happen.
So I realised that this perfect end of round / birthday date that I could aim for wasn't realistic. The last 16 years worth of Kate wouldn't have cared about this tiny yet essentially important piece of detail. She would have made that the goal anyway.
I finally realised what I was doing to myself. I live by this analogy:
"Aim for the moon, if you don't get there, you'll fall amongst the stars."
What I was doing with weight loss goals though was aiming for bloody Jupiter or Saturn - setting ridiculous plans in place to make that happen, then failing miserably.
So, for the first time ever, I allowed myself to dabble with the option of making a realistic goal date to reach my goal weight. I almost lost the plot by trying to be realistic :P - it was hard! I sat down and number crunched for a few days. I let myself just imagine being normal and dare I say it 'realistic'. Augh! ;) But as much as aiming for Jupiter doesn't help me, nor does aiming for the top of a tree. I need to have some challenge or slightly out of reach component to help me. The moment I considered an extremely safe and realistic goal, I felt like reaching for chocolate because there was no urgency whatsoever.
I confided in a couple of friends and deliberated for days. I worked out a possible goal date that lay somewhere between Jupiter and the top of a tree. 19th March 2014. It wasn't going to be easy and I would have to work hard to make it, but it was within reach. It was realistic. And it was a personal compromise - it was attainable yet had the slight edge of a challenge to make me excited. Yet all I could think about was that there's nothing remarkable about 19/3/14. Ummm....it's a couple of days after my brothers birthday? And...that's about it.
But I knew that it didn't matter. What was special about this date was that it was realistic. Now that was really special.
I knew what I had to do. But it was hard for me to actually make the decision. I realised that by choosing a middle ground date, I was saying goodbye to years and years of self sabotaging and a large part of my eating disorders.
I made the decision.
My new goal date is 19/3/14. The 19th of March has gone from a non special date to a very meaningful date. I may change the date over time but just choosing this unspecial date right now marks the end of some of my struggles. Funnily enough it worked out to be exactly 6 months away at the time. So I gave myself 6 months to get to goal. I don't need to do it by my birthday in January. If I aim for January then I will likely fail and stuff around like I have done for the most part of this year. If I aim for March then by my birthday I will be at an awesome weight anyway! Even if it isn't the end goal. I also realised that I love the journey just as much as I believe I'll love the end goal - so who cares if it goes for a bit longer? I'm enjoying it!
So I've spent the last couple of weeks getting myself back on track and putting things in place to make this now happen. Operation Goal Weight has begun. I haven't felt this focused or sure of myself in a long time - I have complete faith in myself right now. I want to share with you my plans and goals and what I have set up.......but one of my new daily goals is to get at least 7 hours sleep a night. I'm trying really hard on this and I currently have to be up for boot camp in under 7 hours so I am going to sign off this post and will try and post again tomorrow with what I'm doing. For now though, I wanted to explain where I have been. And just know that I am excited. And completely focused. More tomorrow. Sweet dreams xx