If at first you don't succeed...

Sometimes you just have to try again and everything will be ok…..

A year ago I did my first triathlon at the Gold Coast.  I’ve mentioned it on here many times – it

As of yesterday I am no longer a sucker for punishment

was the day of many really, really bad crying breakdowns.  My second triathlon earlier this year wasn’t any better – it ended with me rocking back and forth, shivering on my friends floor…  It appears I either have a very short term memory or like to feel pain - a lot - and I went back for a third time, in April this year, to do another triathlon.  And it happened to be awesome :)  It made up for the first two.  I was flanked by friends and everything went ok.

Well yesterday was the same event as Triathlon #1 – the Gold Coast one had rolled around again.  Never short on ideas to torture myself, I signed up for it again.  I was determined to do it a year later, I guess to prove to myself that I could improve.  Does that make any sense?

Triathlon #3 had gone so great that I didn’t think I’d have any issues with it…but as the day rolled around I started getting apprehensive.  I’ve had a really bad couple of weeks – I have been in a bad way.  It stemmed from someone who I put complete trust in pushing me to one side, and I've had a lot of trouble dealing with it.  It doesn’t help that that person is a professional.  It hurts enough

Rina, me and Bron after our 5km

when anyone breaks your trust....but when you pay someone to help you and even they don’t care?  It’s heartbreaking.  Its been really, really hard.  Without getting too down and sad in this post, I’ve been feeling awful – like I’m not a good person – not worthy – all those kind of lovely, positive thoughts. :/  I sound like I’m 5 when I say this but it’s still so true…….Why are people so mean?

So this was my motivating lead up to Triathlon #4! :(  To say I didn’t have much faith in having a good day was an understatement.

Not one to do things even by full measures, I also signed up to the 5km fun run held a couple of hours before the triathlon.  I did this last time and it just added to the personal challenge for me.  Why do just a triathlon when you can do a triathlon AND a fun run in the same morning? ;)

Event #1 of 2

Last year I arrived feeling hopeful and left feeling crushed.  This year…I arrived feeling crushed…and left….on top of the world!!  It went so well!  I had THE BEST day!

All the memories came rushing back when I arrived at the sports super centre but this time it was different.  It’s a year on, I'm a lot lighter and way more fit.  I knew what I was doing and knew what to bring.  I was relaxed and happy.  I did the 5km fun run, got my first medal of the day, and hung out with my lovely friends as we leisurely racked our bikes and got ready.  We headed to the pool for our race briefing, all was calm.  As soon as I laid eyes on the pool, I started to doubt myself quite heavily.  The swim is my weakest leg and this was the pool where it all started to go horribly wrong last year.  Bron and Court pepped me up and I was ok.  I just took my time and tried to calm down.  As I swam past the lifeguard I willed them to not attempt to throw me a noodle as they did last year.  I almost whispered it out loud “don’t offer…don’t offer…don’t…” and they didn’t :)

I kept going, I had one moment where I almost panicked when I got water in my mouth and a

#hotstuff - Courts, me and Bron ready for the swim

bit further on a girl hit me by sort of swimming into me, but I kept my wits about me.  AND I WAS NOT THE LAST PERSON LEFT ALONE IN THE POOL!  I fit in with everyone else!  I ran out and transitioned to my bike.  I borrowed a friends bike again and this is what helped me.  It was amazing.  It was so easy to ride and I started riding like the wind.  I couldn’t help myself but I just zoomed off, I kept overtaking people!  I have never overtaken anyone on my bike before!  It’s not a competitive factor that excited me, it’s just that I’ve physically never been able to overtake anyone before – it was so weird for me not to be all clunky, hundreds of metres behind everyone else, watching them all disappear from view.  I zoomed around the track grinning my head off, loving it.  There was no trying to read supportive texts from friends through tear filled eyes.  There was a small hill and I got determined to ride up it.  I pushed and pushed and as I got to the top, the volunteer who was there clapped for me and I gushed as I rode past him “last year I walked up this!”  Said it all really.

Coming in strong from the 5km!

I transitioned to the run and it was great.  There was no hyperventilating like last year – no official marshall riding past ignoring me as I couldn’t catch my breath, breaking down, no being left 100% alone on the running track by the volunteers.  And that infamous moment on the running track where last year I had to dig my fingernails into my hands just to push myself to get to the end and not completely lose the plot?  Well that thought was long gone.  Instead I was linking arms with Courtney and Bron, Court who had stopped and waited for us to catch up – and we ran through the finish line together, just like we did at Brisbane tri.  Smiles and grins and jumps, a second medal for the day, and the MC even interviewed me!  One question he asked was why I did the event.  And I said my answer I’ve been saying lately: “because I never imagined I could.” :)

There was no breaking down in the car park this time – instead this was my face:

A beautiful girl called Shellie witnessed me in the car park last year - check out my face this time Shellie! :)

I didn’t need to pull over to the side of the road as soon as I left the car park because I was crying so much and couldn’t see the road, I drove straight past grinning and happy :)

We had lunch at the Subway I went to last year (on purpose lol – I am very ceremonial, have

Bron, me and Court: finished the tri!!

you noticed?) and then Courts and I went to the shops so I could finally start finale dress shopping – yes, I left it to the (almost) last minute again!  And…..I didn’t think this would ever happen but I found my dress!  In the first shop we went into!  We did look around all the other shops and came back to this one, as you do, but still!  

I love the dress :)  I don't know if I actually look that good but I feel like a Cinderella princess in it.  I NEVER feel like Cinderella or a princess.  But this dress.... I think an apt description is that the shop assistant, when she saw me after trying it on, said "ooh I wish I had a fairy wand to give you!" haha!  It's just an awesome dress and Cinderella is my personal little 12WBT theme story so it is just perfect.

So two successful events, finding my finale dress, then I got home and my brother called me and I heard my beloved baby niece say my name for the very first time :)  It was an awesome day and just what I needed.

Yesterdays medals!

I feel like I can put that tri pain behind me now.  It was a good lesson for myself.  Try again.  Always try again.  You never know how much you might just surprise yourself if you do.

My tri jump :)

The lovely Rina and I before the events

Bron and I on the run :)

My 5km jump ;)

We keep practising the 'magazine pose'...hahaa I need to work on mine!

Such lovely support, thanks Tracey, Rina and Courts xx

I wrote the word 'GRIT' on my hand as that's what I needed the first time I did this.  I think I need to start doing my 'G's' a little differently...they look like 'S's!'

Fist pump

Triathlon #4 done and dusted :)

Life is rarely smooth sailing

Just a quick post tonight to give you the cruise update from my last post.

It went well!  I am not going to go into the food factor because - well - you don't want to know.  Trust me.  Let's just say it started with all you can eat red velvet cupcakes and went from there.... ;)

I had a great time - we were at sea for less than 2 days but I really felt like I got a break, and

2011 cruise vs 2013 cruise

I had fun also.  I went for a run around the deck of the ship.  To be honest the main initial pulling power to get me in my running shoes was the novelty factor, of going for a run in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.  I thought I'd just do a quick lap to experience it and that would be it.  But as soon as I started running, I was enjoying myself so much that I ran for 25min., around and around the decks, surrounded by ocean.  It was beautiful.

I took my comparison photos as promised, so here they are.  I discovered I had a few more 'before and afters' that I wasn't expecting, too.

I'm sure my next post will delve into this a little deeper but just to let you know where I've been at since then: not in a great place.  You know I never lie on here.  I'm not going to write and say I got back onto it and everything is going so great.  Monday morning was ok - I got my backside into gear and started the day as I had intended: nutrition, training, sleep and water were my only goals.

Recreate all the photos 

But by mid afternoon I had stuffed up - started by my usual trick but continued by a really rough time I've had since Monday afternoon.  I've spent the last 2 days in an awful state of tears and devastation.  I wish I could go into what this is about here: at this stage I won't but I think I will cave soon.  Unfortunately because I

My run around the deck

have been dealing with this huge hiccup, I've let it (the magic 4) all go.

I know what's wrong with this picture.  I know what I need to do.  But at the moment I don't see my way out.  I'm sure I'll get there but for now I can't.  I thought I could do this 2 day cruise then jump back on the wagon.  I think I could have, but I haven't.  I've stuffed it up.  Just keeping it real and telling it like it is.  I'll get there I'm sure...but for now? xo

I took the above selfie with my Dad in a car a couple of years ago and have always wanted to share it but wouldn't because I look so huge. I did another selfie on the weekend and like it better :) 

Running surrounded by the sea!

Life jacket drill in 2011 vs 2013 - I remember bring nervous of the 2011 one that the jacket wouldn't fit around my neck and I'd be embarrassed. It was fine but this time I had no fear factor :)

A lesson in moderation

Hi! Hope you had a good week! Week 9 is almost over, this is crazy, time is flying by. My week's been ok - sticker chart wise it's also been ok. Yes, ok, not great. I had a rough day on Sunday - some things happened and I let it send me into a bit of a spin. In turn I let that send me to the Thai takeaway restaurant across the road for dinner that night....

I had had dinner planned - in fact I had it in the fridge. I didn't need Pad Thai Chicken. But, I had it. Ok, not great, but not a massive deal.

But for Miss Struggling to Stop Being All or Nothing, well, it was a tough one. I tried my hardest to let it go & to just carry on with my meal plan. Stop the damage in its tracks. But then another thing came up that stilted these efforts. It's a really cool thing! But it's been stressing me out.

I got the opportunity to go on a cruise for 2 nights. It's a massive ship that does continual world voyages but I got the opportunity to sail (for free!) for 2 nights from Sydney to Brisbane. I feel so lucky - it was a whirlwind organisation effort but suddenly it was happening. It's amazing - what a cool little break. Out on the open seas, entertainment, wining and dining for 48 hours. 

But there's the word that has had me terrified all week: 'Dining'.

I have been on a few cruises before and I know what's onboard. Lots and lots of food.

Cruise in 2011 - I found this photo last week

Multiple restaurants, buffets, food on literal tap. 

As much as I was excited about the cruise, I was suddenly panicking. How on earth was I going to cope? I was on a new roll! I just started Operation Finale! A ship full of amazing food at my disposal was not on my 6 week star sticker plan!

HELP ME!

Usually I allow myself to relax while away from home and not count calories. But I am just getting myself back on track now - of all times this could come up - I'm in that 'habit reforming' stage where I'm a little delicate.

I have pretty good self control when I'm in a fit of determination....but I also didn't want to feel deprived - I don't go on cruises every week! But if I started eating then I would find it hard to stop. And 2 days of uncontrolled eating would set me behind.

I'm in Mish's new book!!!

More than anything, if I allowed myself to relax for 2 days then I was concerned about how to get back straight into it once I get home. This has been my constant battle through the years. Stuffing up a little but then stuffing up big time and making it a hundred times worse than it had to be.

Are you thinking what I am thinking? Kate, SHUT UP already!!! Talk about an over thinker!

After a not so perfect food week caused from unnecessary worrying, I had a chat to my mate Court and realised that there are things in life that are going to happen like this. Times where we may not be able to be as perfect as we'd like to be. Or times when we can be really good but we want to just relax and not think for a couple of days. And times where we want to jump back onto it straight away because we have goals to meet. It's life. Things are not always conveniently timed.

So I decided to RELAX. I'm going to enjoy the cruise - not worry, not stress, and as soon as I get back to Brisbane, I'm going to test myself - to get back onto it straight away. I am usually

Sneak preview of Michelle Bridges' new book ;)

bad at this and I allow 'relaxing times' to linger.

But I'm really going to try. I hate this but I'll be honest, the word 'moderation' is still a foreign word to me. But I'm going to really try and relax and test myself on getting head first back into my routine and into Operation Finale.

Two quick things before I go, I'm in Mish's new book! Apparently it's released in bookstores on the 20th November. It's got heaps of my friends in it too and Page 76 is all about me! A bit exciting!

And...just over a week ago I actually found some photos of myself (the ones on this post) on a cruise I went on in 2011! I looked so grotesquely overweight. And I felt grotesque. I actually shared these on IG and coincidentally a couple of days later is when I found out I was going on the cruise this weekend! So, I'm going to recreate these photos with a 'Now' to match that 'Then'! :) Will be back after the cruise to show you the results!

Cruise in 2011 - photo #2 that I found

P.S. It took me a few days to post this so I'm actually already back from the cruise! Will post as soon as I can to let you know how I went! :) xo

My latest crazy adventure

When you send these kinds of texts to your friends the night before a new adventure, you know you're in for an interesting morning.  Or that you're a bit loopy.  Or both - they're the

Oh, it's just your usual Saturday morning, getting chook feed strapped to my stomach ;)

same thing really:

"OMG what are we doing?"

"Do you have some spare chook feed for me?"

"Yes!  I got some strong masking tape from Fiona!"

HA!  See what I mean?  Yes, my life is always a little wacky.

So we all know that almost weekly, I come

Em starting her walk interstate!

up with these crazy ideas.  And I don't plan anything or think it through very well.  'It'll just work out' - I tell myself.  Then the night before I kind of start wondering what I've gotten myself into.  Especially like when I was discussing chook feed in detail at 11pm last night.

So - this week's personal challenge was to do the Kokoda loop at Mt Coot-tha - the usual 5km loop with the crazy 1km steep incline that we always do, but with 40kg of weights strapped to

I felt like I was wearing a fat suit!

me!  The idea was modelled off The Biggest Loser - how they have to walk up a mountain carrying the weight that they have lost.  It's to remind them of how far they've come, and I guess to let the weight go....physically and metaphorically.  I wanted to do that!  And I have friends who are as crazy as me and also wanted to do that!

One of these friends who I met through 12WBT, Emily, wanted to do it but she lives in NSW.  Which is an awesome place to live!  But a little far away when I live in QLD.  757km in fact.  But, what's 757km between friends?  Em had the brilliant idea of doing it together, just not actually together.  We decided to do our own walk, up our own local mountain, at the same time, and call/SMS/message photos etc. through to keep each other company!  My equally as crazy friends, Courtney, Bron and Tracey, also were keen.  Court and Bron are the more sane ones of the group - they decided to write letters to themselves to let go of at the top of the mountain instead of tying themselves down with weights.

However, Tracey, Em and I, well we're the nutty ones.  Em and I have each lost 40kg and Tracey's lost a huge 50kg!  And we were each determined to carry that weight on us, up the hill!

And that's where the chatter about chook feed came in.  Tracey went and bought and bagged sand and chook feed late last night.  Whereas I personally didn't think things through and

Weighed down....and out!

decided to use hand weights.....

Last night I tried on a backpack with 27kg in it and toppled backwards.  Hmmm.  After some very smart advice from friends and trainers about how to do this, we remembered that when we were 40 and 50kg heavier, yes we carried it with us, but it was distributed all over.  And we were also reminded that our backs aren't meant to carry 40kg alone.  So I rethought it all.

We all met early this morning and got to work with our support crew, Bill and Bob, getting the weight distributed.  While Emily patiently waited in NSW, Tracey strapped her left over sand and chook feed to my stomach!  I then distributed some sand but mostly hand weights - in a back backpack, a front backpack, down my top, in the pockets of the shorts Tracey lent me, and in my jacket pockets.  Tracey also wore ankle weights!  It was crazy!

And then we started out.  

It.....was.....so.....hard.

We usually do Kokoda in about an hour.  I've run it before....  Once I did it 4x in a row.  I've done it in a moon boot.  I've done it and had breaky with Mish at the bottom of the mountain

So steep.  So hard.

(I'll never forget that day!) ;)  I've done it so many times.  But nothing prepared me for today.

It took us 3.5 hours.  I was supposed to be running a group fitness test this morning after the walk and had to message the RSVP's to explain I was in the middle of Mt Coo-tha strapped with weights and couldn't make it in time.  I grossly underestimated how long it would take!

Every step was an effort.  Court, Bron and the B boys helped us down every step and called

The girls taking some sand out of Trace!

out when there was uneven ground.  We couldn't see our feet!  We stopped so many times I couldn't even begin to count.  Tracey had the best idea of releasing sand and chook feed along the way - brilliant - she released how many kg's she had lost each round.

Me on the other hand of course didn't think this through and mostly had hand weights which I couldn't leave in the bush.  Soon after we started I also realised I can't count and had accidentally strapped 46kg to myself!  I took 4kg of sand bags off me but I still did the walk with 42kg!  Bron took 3kg off me towards the end.  If I did it again I would do it differently but it's done now and you've gotta live and learn.

It was emotional for us all for our own personal reasons.  Us girls all even colour coordinated and wore the same shirts!  And as much as we all chatted, called Em, laughed and sang loudly to Katy Perry and Little Mix, it was completely a very

The gorgeous Em at the top of her mountain!

personal experience.  I personally have well and truly left my 40kg on Mt Coot-tha and as much as I will return to Mt Coot-tha I will not be regaining that 40kg, ever.  I can't believe I used to walk around like that.  We had to stop so many times to have a break because of the weird weights on us, but we realised that we would have had to stop that many times if we were 140kg as well!  We would have struggled just as much.

And, well, we realised that we actually would never have attempted the walk in the first place at 140kg.  And that's what it's all about - that's why we did it.  

Because now we can.  Bye bye 40kg xx

Enjoy some of our photos:

I did it! :)

Tracey's handiwork

My chook feed belt....awww

The beautiful Bron

The phenomenal Tracey

Me...weighing 141kg again!

The amazing Courts

Bron keeping an eye on a 50kg heavier than usual Tracey

Court tipping out some of my sand

Court and Kate

Me!

I felt so heavy.  I was so heavy!

Girls selfie

Our support crew, the B boys - Bob, Bill, me, Tracey and Courts

 

Starting to offload the weights at the end

Struggling - with Bron helping push me

Those of us who let stuff go on that mountain

An amazing photo from Em

Em tipping stuff her kg's out along the way

Em's view

Court helping me redistribute weight along the way

The beautiful Em!

Unhappy campers :)

Me taking a break lol

 

The yellow pole!

What I carried for 5km and up Kokoda

The current me!  The real me!

Thanks for sharing this with us Em!  Across 2 states xx