Sometimes I do stupid things and I don't know why

Do you remember this post?

Keep your head held high 

Or this picture?

 

Well check out the potentially stupid thing I did this week:

 

 










SERIOUSLY!

Why do I do this to myself?

If I'm speaking in too much code, or you can't be bothered to read the linked post above, in a nutshell this is what I have done:

• I did my 1st triathlon in October 2012.
• I completed it but came very last out of 4 events that were held that day.  Not only my event, but the whole event that started after me overtook me.  Every single person.
• I was shattered during and after the event.  I hyperventilated during the run when I realised I was the last one there and have never held my head higher than I have in my life as I had to do to get through that finish banner.
• I decided to try another tri in April 2013.
• This month when I was working out my goals, somehow "Bribie Tri" appeared on my Week 3 list.  HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?  It was full on enough I was doing another one in April!  But the start of March?
• I wrote it down but didn't think much about it.
• Yesterday I registered for the event.
• I asked a few friends yesterday if I was stupid - I meant that question to the core of it's being.  Truly - what am I doing??

I am petrified.  The weird thing is, I am not petrified of finishing it.  I know I will finish it.  I probably wouldn't have signed up if I didn't think I could.  I'm not that stupid. ;)  (Well, I think I will finish it!)
 
I've been thinking about it non stop ever since. I am so so scared.  I sat back and was thinking WELL WHY DID I ENTER?  AND WHY, EVEN THOUGH I AM TERRIFIED, AM I STILL GOING TO SHOW UP ON SATURDAY?  I was wondering what am I actually scared of?

I'm scared of the water (just a recently developed breathing/anxiety issue).  Also this is my first open water swim!  I'm a little scared about coming last.  It's not the fact that I would be last --- someone has to be and I know I'm still doing it blah blah blah.   If you've been reading my blog you'll know about THE Bike Ride and since then I have been last at a few events.

I think I'm actually scared of upsetting myself SO much at the event, if this happens again.  My event is the last of the day.  Yes I'm a lot lighter and more fit now.  But it was only 4 months ago!  And I'm still obese!!!!!!  It's highly likely I will be last again.

I have lost all confidence in myself lately and I don't want to break down again.  YET I AM STILL DOING IT.  Why do I do this to myself?  Am I really trying to push through boundaries?  Maybe I am just holding out hope that one day I will do an event that is hard and I will not be last and then that will be an achievement.  Is it just a matter of try and try and try and try again?  Or am I just stupid?  I truly don't know.  Probable self-inflicted torture sounds like fun, doesn't it?  Is it that there is some reward in pushing personal boundaries?  (Over and over and over again).  Or is it just that if it doesn't challenge you.....it doesn't change you.....and I really need to change....?