COCO BUTTER: Unlimited possibilities

Friday, 14 December 2012

Unlimited possibilities

#becauseitmakesmesmile

I'm writing this post from a cafe although I'll publish it later.

I came here this morning to sit by myself and dream up my possibilities for 2013. I do this each year. I've been writing notes and I am so excited that I have butterflies in my knees :) There are unlimited possibilities. I have some ideas, and then I have all of this space for more ideas to imagine and dream up.

Running my own race

Being December of course, I've been reflecting on this year - I don't know that I could ever accurately describe it. It is a year that didn't go to plan whatsoever. Almost everything has changed for me. Things were turned upside down almost on a weekly basis. The carpet was pulled out from under me so often when I didn't think there'd even be any more carpet to pull. I lost most of my pride. I became more liberated. I was forced to come to terms with my mortality. I had to deal with the unexpected after effects of that. I became courageous beyond my own imaginable measure. I 'fell into' transforming myself. I thought it would just be a 'weight thing' but it ended up being about transforming my entire life. A transformation of everything. My friend calls it 'The T'. I had a major revelation and thought that was it. Yet I kept getting truck after truck after truck, ramming me on every turn I took. Oh, here comes another truck. Oh, and another one. And... Enough already! STOP IT! What was it trying to show me?

Well somewhere between the Sunshine Coast and a pot of popcorn tea, I realised the missing piece from the puzzle. This week has been a big shift in mindset for me. I thought the constant stream of trucks were over, until 8 weeks ago, I got another couple of major ones. They almost completely railroaded me. I've spent 8 weeks in a tough place. Some days it took me 4 hours to get out of bed in the morning. It's been really hard. I've hardly slept. People know some stuff but not one person knows everything. I haven't been able to bare to put my Christmas tree up yet. I don't know exactly why. I love Christmas and Christmas trees make me smile. Even my first Christmas away from my family when I was shacked up in a lonely hotel room, I bought a tiny little miniature tree for myself and put it up with ridiculously large decorations that were bigger than the tree itself. Yet I couldn't put mine up this year until I had a few things sorted.

I was forced over and over to stop, shut up and listen, literally slapped onto the ground (multiple times on multiple times!), pinned down and choked. I tried to ignore it but eventually everything finally stopped me for long enough to pay attention.

This year hasn't all been bad, by any means. I have met THE MOST...beautiful...friends. I became a first time aunt to not just one, but two most gorgeous little girls. My friends and family stood by my side. I improved my health more than I could have imagined: this sentence alone encompasses so much. There really was a lot of awesome stuff. :)

But the best thing of all- the crux of both the 'wind knocked out of me' moments and the 'precious life' moments, have been this.

I realised how strong I am.

I realised that the brightest light really does come from the darkest places.

I realised that the power has always been inside of me.

I realised that I have been running through life for years at the highest speed, ignoring warnings, consumed in to do lists and diaries and calendars and ridiculous working hours and no sleep and not really living. I realised that people are right - you can only keep this up for so long.

I realised that I was pretending to be happy...even to myself.

I went to a video arcade with one of my brothers and realised that I couldn't remember the last time that I had had fun like that.

I realised that we can use our pasts to walk on- we don't need to ignore them, we just need to recognise them.

I realised that this whole 'T' isn't about becoming who we want to be, it's about becoming who we forgot we were.

I was asked in a game the other day when the last time was that I laughed so much that I cried. I couldn't remember and I realised that is sad and that I want to change that.

I realised that becoming vulnerable is actually self empowering.

I realised that it's ok to forgive ourselves.

I realised that opening ourselves up and letting people in makes us stronger, and the people around us too.

I realised that my friend was right when she said earlier this year "life is beautiful". I agreed but didn't believe her at the time.

I realised that life is not all or nothing and that flexibility and acceptance can propel me forward.

I realised that my mum is right. She said to me when I was growing up that "there is never a problem that is too big that it can't be fixed."

I realised that it's ok to accept help. And that to do that shows strength, not weakness.

I realised that everything is a choice to bring you further or closer to where you want to be.

I realised that my life is now full of possibilities.

I realised that you can live each day as it comes, if that's all you are able to do. And that there is freedom in that.

I realised that faith is the most amazing thing in the world. Faith in God, faith in myself, and just simple, unadulterated, blind faith. Sometimes you just have to trust.