Controlling an elephant

Hi guys :)  I promised I'd write tonight so here I am :)

Thank you to Dane and Jules for your comments today.  I was feeling a bit down and out this morning (I am surprised I made it out of bed) and Dane commented on a forum post and her words really lifted me up.  And tonight I was sitting at my laptop, quite despondent and not sure what to write, and Jules made me smile with her words too :)  Thanks girls, and thanks everyone for your messages.  One thing that is on my 'list' is to go through these comments properly and respond to them because each one means so much.  It makes it so special that people do read this...I'm not just talking to myself here :)


Okay....so I am feeling really overwhelmed.  I know I need to make a re-commitment tonight.  Why tonight?  Because I promised you (and therefore myself) and because why not tonight?  The quicker I get back on track, the better.  I shouldn't have been off for this long already.

But I made time as promised and sat here for ages, thinking.  I was just feeling really overwhelmed.  I have let everything spiral so far out of control that I don't know where to start.  And it got me thinking of that saying:


"How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time."


It's so true.  How am I going to do EVERYTHING if I look at EVERYTHING and freak out and therefore do NOTHING?  If I do SOMETHING then I am on my way to getting through EVERYTHING.  Right?


So...my plan is:

Monday (tonight):

• Recommit to my commitment and regain CONTROL of my life

Tuesday (tomorrow):

• Re-read my commitment: http://cocogirlbutter.blogspot.com.au/p/cocos-commitment.html
  Re-read my list of 100 reasons why I want to lose weight: http://cocogirlbutter.blogspot.com.au/2012/05/100-reasons-why-i-want-to-lose-weight.html
• Number crunch - reassess my number goals compared to where I am
• Fix up my training schedule - get it up to date and plan out the next 2 weeks of training
• Plan my next week's meals and order groceries
• Update my diary - this will make me feel so much better.  I am usually obsessed with my Calendar but lately haven't been updating it at all.  So I will update all appointments, and then red flag days, shopping days, 12WBT related things eg. Mish's next live chat, and of course training as mentioned above.
• Update my To Do list.  This is usually my big thing every day.  Every day I usually check it obsessively - it has all of the little things that I need to do listed, and mini goals to work up to my big goals.  I use an awesome app on my phone by Appigo called ToDo.  I haven't used it in about 11 weeks - no wonder I feel off centre!
• Reply to all of my SMS's that I haven't answered lately.  My poor friends are very understanding...! :)
• Email my real estate about 2 items that are broken - this is random and one TINY little thing out of a million things but it's something that I have been meaning to do for weeks and weeks.  It's just one thing that I keep putting off and it's been getting me down.
• Book in car service (another thing that I have been putting off).
• Move any of these tasks that I don't get done today to Wednesday as I don't have much time tomorrow- but I will try to get this all done tomorrow.

Wednesday:

• Weigh in and not get upset that I have put on weight (because I know I will)
• Watch all of Mish's latest videos.  I haven't watched the last few properly.  The reason being, I love these videos so much and I don't feel I've deserved to watch them over the last week.  I get so inspired watching them, and don't want to 'waste' them when I'm not being serious (if this makes sense).
• Clean my house thoroughly and vigorously (as a workout!)
• Sit down with my finances and sort them out: Part 1
• Redo my pre-season tasks

Thursday:

• Sit down with my finances and sort them out: Part 2 (this is really out of control - this will take some time) :)
• Read my Coco Butter comments and reply
• Spend time in the 12WBT forums.  I get inspired in there.  And in the 12WBT Facebook groups that I'm a part of. 
• Write a blog post about my home gym that I made!  Because I've been meaning to.

Friday:

• Work on getting my personal emails up to date
• Get my laptop up to date - files and photos are everywhere (yes, I'm a bit OCD when it comes to organisation) :)
• Update my filing at home (paperwork)

Saturday:

• Finish getting my personal emails up to date
• Go on tour (just for the weekend) for my play and have FUN!

Sunday:

• Have a bath (something I've been meaning to do for well over 3 years - yes I know!  I haven't really had a bathtub at home in that long - I shower), be kind to myself and go to bed early.  (I have a big weekend coming up and will be exhausted on Sunday night).

So there we go :)  There are many more things that I should have listed, but I think that's a good start.  I have another busy week but I will work hard to get these things done, and yes, I will report back here. :)

I'm feeling overwhelmed, but I will feel worse if I continue being run over by my own wagon.  I'm scared because I am so far behind, but I have to get back up there now.  In a years time, this week or two of being off track won't matter.  But if I don't get back onboard now, in a years time it will still matter because I'll be on the same merry-go-round.  I need to get my head back in the right space and I think I need to watch Mish's videos and podcasts - not just the ones I've been saving up, but her old mindset ones too.

My control post is still yet to come, but for now I am just adding the control back into my life.  I need to control my life - no-one else will!  Good news from yesterday/today though: my play opened so that is one thing that is on track now, and I accepted a new job out of some offers I had.  I start in 2 weeks after I finish my current one.  So that major stress will be off my shoulders.  Come to think of it, I started getting off track with everything other than my health as soon as I found out about it (my job finishing).  I think that has been a bigger cause of stress than I realised.

Anyway I am blabbing now - the short of it is, I have a new job and am sorted in that respect.  Now to sort myself. :)

I'm going to post this now as I promised it would be Monday night and it's 11:54pm and I'm a woman of my word! ;)

Thanks for listening guys.  I'll keep my plan updated and I will keep you updated.

Love Coco :) xo

Being gut wrenchingly honest...

Ok.  Time to be gut wrenchingly honest.  This is a term Mish used in one of the Round 2 pre-season videos.  Gut wrenchingly honest.  I usually am, with everything.  I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve and open up to people a lot.  But this is something that I haven't been honest with, even to myself.

I've been off track for a few days.  And that's just with my nutrition.  It's been longer with training.

I have no idea how but I still lost 2.6kg this week - it's completely undeserved - I think it was the hard work I put into the week before.  Also on a side note, I got an email from Mish saying that I'm in the Top 15% of transformations so far! :)  I am so excited about this.

BUT

I didn't want to admit this, because I had a vague feeling that I need to be upbeat and on track and perfect (there you go, the ultimate word!)  This challenge is the life turn around for me that I needed.  So how can I first fail to carry on, then fail to admit it?

The start of the 'fall' is a bit hazy.  I've been super-stressed lately.  I've been looking for a new job as my current contract is ending so I've been having interviews and feeling completely unsettled.  I'm single, I rent, I have no savings and a monument of debt so I need to have that job security to survive.  My play that I'm producing and directing (and wrote and am acting in!) opens tomorrow: the week before opening is always crazy - I'm working or organising my play from 6am-12am each day.  My house is a brothel and it's doing my head in as I'm usually a neat-freak.  My correspondence/paperwork/emails/messages/finances are out of control.  A young girl in my care had a car accident leaving my house the other day but is ok and it gave me quite a scare.  I ended up in hospital myself after I got home from being there with her as a pre-caution for my PE's (see "Who is Coco Girl?") for a coincidental knock to the head I received.  (I'm ok).  And that's just this week.

But do you know what?  Every single thing I listed just there is an excuse.  Maybe not the potential excuses I preempted in pre-season, but they're all excuses.  Even last night, I was telling myself that it's ok that I'm eating complete crap and not training, because this week has been out of the ordinary full on, and I will get back into it.  ('Editors note': ummm, when?)

It's only by writing this post (my gosh writing is therapeutic!) :)  as I write it all out that I realise some cold, hard facts:

• These happenings are all excuses - they should have no bearing on my nutrition and training.  What Coco, because you haven't paid your phone bill yet, it means you can eat an Aero Bar??  Seriously?
• I was lying to myself that this is ok "because I'm having a bad week".
• Crazy weeks like this always happen, to different extents.  What, I can only eat well and train when things are going peachy perfect in the sunlight with rainbows?  Ummm, when are things perfect?
• This all comes down to two things.  CONTROL and PLANNING.

The control factor has got me thinking.  I'll write another post on that soon.  But right now, I need to consider PLANNING.

Apart from simply allowing myself to go off track, the reason I haven't been on track, is simply down to poor planning.  I confess, I haven't been doing my planning.  *hangs head*.  There you have it.  It is so important!  It's vital for success!  I've let life get in the way.  I realise that when things get hectic, as they often do, you do have hope of making good choices if you have planned.

I haven't planned.

Also, this week has made me realise how much bingeing is a comfortable 'part' of me.  It's not some sort of fault that you can just dust away into the rubbish bin forever (well, not easily anyway).  It's a huge dirty habit that lurks and can reappear as soon as you move your eyes off the goal post for one second.

So.  My commitment to you, is that by Monday night, I will report back here with my updated plan of attack.  I will do the following:

MAKE THE TIME.  Not freak out at how far behind I am.  Sit down with paper and pen (okay, laptop and mouse!) and PLAN everything that I usually do.  My diary - meals - training - grocery shopping - red flag days - do my numbers - reassess - look at where I am - re-focus and re-plan.  My life is out of control right now and it makes me feel sick.  But if I PLAN (and of course DO), I can pull myself out of this little ditch I let myself fall into.

I will be accountable to you, my readers and my 12WBT family.  Watch this space by Monday night and I will re-commit by having re-focussed on my plan, and having updated my goals.  The plan works.  If you follow it.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I've let myself fall.  But I'm taking ownership, changing my ways and being gut wrenchingly honest...with you, and with myself.

Have a great weekend :) x    

Cute

I've been struggling with something over the last day or two.  It's so minor it's hardly worth mentioning, but it's really bothering me so I wanted to write about it.

One of my male friends who I adore called another friend of mine "cute".  He didn't just say that she was cute, he said that she was and that I wasn't.

I know it sounds harsh but it wasn't in a mean context.  We were talking about something specific that we do.  And in doing that thing, he said that we were different - and that she was cute, and that I was funny but not cute.  I have to reiterate that he wasn't saying that to be mean, but I of course took it to heart and have dwelled on it ever since.  Of course ;)

I think it's because I realised that that is one thing that I have never been but I want to be.  Ok, maybe I have to admit that I'm past it - I'm 31! :)  I don't mean baby ga-ga cute, just cute.  I take that word as in pretty, gorgeous etc.  I realised that I don't think I've ever been called cute.  He also called her little.  That word got to me.  How can anyone so big and lanky be called little and cute?

It's not a biggie in the grand scheme of things but it's played on my mind.  It made me feel deflated and sad, and then today I just felt a resolve of "I am going to train like a nut until I can be called little.  And cute."

It's just a 4 letter word but it means so much, especially when you're not called it.  Hopefully one day someone will call me cute. :)

Today is your day

Me again!  I thought I'd share this video with you.  A friend recently introduced me to one of Dr Seuss's books: "Oh, The Places You'll Go".  It's a brilliant book about life's ups and downs and it helped me at a difficult time.  Soon after I got given this book, another friend shared this video with me - it's a video based on the book, created by Burning Man 2011.  I have watched it over and over, and it seems apt for today.  I honestly encourage you to play this to yourself every day.  I hope you like it. :)

Wow. An amazing 48 hours

I have just had the most amazing 48 hours.  So many goals have been met and SMASHED!  I wanted to tell you about them!

I kicked Kickboxing's butt!
Read my previous post about this one :)

I caught a train!
Yes, I did it!  After 3 years I finally did it.  I mentioned in a previous post that I was planning on doing this so that I could achieve my Mini Milestone for Week 4 of 12WBT.  In the end, this ended up being almost a bigger milestone than the planned milestone itself.  My Mini Milestone was to walk home from work, door to door.  It was just something that I had always 'meant to' do.  I live exactly 10km from work but I estimated that walking would be approx. 8-10km.  Anyway - to walk home from work, I had to get to work in the morning.

I've been driving to work for 3 years and the bigger I have gotten, I have developed a bit of a social anxiety issue with catching a train.  I could have driven to work and left my car there overnight, walked home and then walked back to work the next morning....I even contemplated catching a cab.  But in the end I decided to JFDI and train it in.  Eeeek!

I caught an early-ish train so there'd be less people.  To be honest it wasn't that early, and there were a fair few people on the train.  I armed myself with a big dose of JFDI and my iPhone earphones, playing Mish's podcasts over and over.  I was feeling sick walking to the train station and almost turned around and went home.  I recognise how silly this sounds - I used to catch it daily without a second thought!  And it's only a 15min. journey!

Anyway, I did it! :)

I walked home from work!
It ended up being 8.36km and took me 1 hour 57min.  And Murphy's Law paid a visit...it hasn't rained much in Brisbane lately at all.  Until yesterday.  By the time it came time to walk home, it was pretty heavy.  My colleague's boot camp got cancelled due to an electrical storm warning.  BUT NOTHING WAS GOING TO STOP ME!  Friends at work was kindly suggesting to do it 'tomorrow' when it wasn't raining.

Well 'tomorrow' for me had turned into about 3 years of 'one day' so I was going to do it, electrical storm or no electrical storm!  It ended up just being heavy rain and no storm thank goodness.  But I borrowed a friends umbrella (I had left mine at home that day to save weight in my bag, thinking it hadn't rained in so long that it wouldn't matter!) and I was off!

I felt a bit dizzy at times but I powered through.  8km may seem like an every day thing for some people but that was huge for me.  A bigger thing than the distance to overcome for me was the 'walking in front of people' thing.  It helped that I had an umbrella to hide under, I must admit :)  But I walked and I walked and I didn't care.  I burnt just over 900 calories - score!  (Although I thought it would be more?)  I'm so proud that I did it.

I became a runner!
After I got home I had time for a quick warm shower and then had a rehearsal for a play that I'm in.  After it finished, I launched into my Week 4 fitness test.  I improved on all of my tests!  Some only slightly, but it was an improvement all round.  But the test that excited me the most was my 1km Time Trial.

When I did the Time Trial in Week 1, I did it in 10:21min.  After 100m of running at the start, I had to walk and I felt sick - my throat seized up and I didn't know if I could continue.  Honestly.

Last night?  I ran for 1km straight.  YES!  I RAN FOR 1KM STRAIGHT.  Oh my gosh!  Seriously!  I feel like I am dreaming.  Running is a huge goal for me and something that I've never been able to do - well, apart from Primary School I guess.

So last night's Time Trial was on my treadmill, and it was a slow run (my time was 9:50min.) but I still ran!  Far out!  I heard someone say recently (I think it was Mish?) that you are a runner as soon as you: run.  So, as of last night, I am now a runner.  And I couldn't be prouder. :) 

5% baby!
I did my weigh in this morning and I've now lost 5% of my weight since the start of Round 2!  I just realised I've lost more than that because I 'started' myself a week earlier...I've lost over 7% of my weight!  But officially 5% in the round.  So excited!  And this morning marked the 10kg weight loss from my start also.  AND I've lost 31.6cm since the start of the round too. :)

Other stuff
As if I wasn't already on a high this morning, today I got offered a job that I wanted!  And got an extension on my current work contract!!  Still a few things to organise in this space but I just wanted to mention it as a part of my amazing 45 hours.  My job situation has been a major cause of stress for me lately, and it has taken up a lot of focus that I would prefer to have put on my health.  Anyway it is slowly getting organised now which will help me a lot.

The best thing of all
These things have been great but the thing that has made me smile the most was waking up this morning to an email from Mish.  It was raining outside, I didn't want to get out of bed, I was exhausted (again).  I grabbed my phone and skimmed my emails.  Mish had sent her usual Wednesday email which I love.  It was the only email I read (as much as I can read when I'm half asleep).  I had my eyes half closed and skimmed the email.  She announced her Top 10 blogs for this round.  "Coco Girl" was listed.  WHAT?!  I thought I was dreaming and rubbed my eyes for a closer look.  My name was actually there!  This definitely got me out of bed. :)

It took me a few hours to believe it was true.  Thank you everyone SO much.  To everyone that has read this / is reading it, to the people who have left comments and to those who nominated this blog and to Mish and her team, thank you so much.  Your comments have touched me so much already - and to then be recognised for this as well?  I am over the moon and so excited.  It'll take me a few days to get sorted and I am working on a few 'extras' for my blog, but in the meantime I just wanted to say a big thank you.  This means a lot and has spurred me on already.  But thank you for this everyone.  I will continue to write from my heart and just hope that I can inspire and encourage people with it.


So there we go!  That's been my 48 hours!  I'm feeling more pumped and excited and thankful.  I realised a few things over the last couple of days, namely that I have to revisit my goals.  I'll keep you up to date on this.  But I just wanted to drop in to let everyone know that I'm smiling. :)

Thanks everyone!

Love Coco :) xxoo

I walked away twice. And then I went in.

I did it.  Kickboxing.  After 6 months of weak excuses, tonight WAS the night! :)

I put on my shoes.  That's always the first step.  I picked up my gloves and I was ready.

The drive there wasn't too painful ;)  I arrived and sat in my car for a few minutes.  That's when the nerves kicked in.  Cars were driving past me to park - they looked like boys cars.  Tough, strong boys.  This was supposed to be a beginners class - I wanted to see girls like me!  

I was strong and hopped out of the car.  It was dark and the academy was in a huge industrial shed.  I walked towards the shed and could hear the advanced group before my class, smashing it out.  Pow! Pow! Pow!  They were full on.  I stood outside and waited.

People from my class walked past me and walked inside.  I waited more. 

Then I decided I couldn't do it.  I was out of my depth!  These people were good!  (I just decided that).  They were advanced people in a beginners class and I was kidding myself that I could join them.  I'll come again another night with a friend.  That's a good idea!

So I turned and walked away.  I paused.  I had come all this way.  I had put my shoes on (and my One Active Mish purple jumper) :) and had my pink boxing gloves with me.  Just go in!

So I turned and walked back to the entrance.  I waited some more.  I stared at the strong boys inside as I stood with my pink gloves and purple shoes outside the door.  I then seriously lost my cool.  I couldn't do this!  Who was I kidding to think that I could!  I'll come back when I'm more fit.  With a friend.  Drunk!  (I'm kidding).  Just in any state, on another night, would be easier than right now!

I turned again and walked back halfway to my car.

Again, I stopped.  JFDI!  I don't know how, but I turned.  I SMS'd a friend and asked her to tell me to go inside.  I threw my phone in my bag and walked inside.  There was no turning back now.  I don't know how I managed to walk in there!  But I did!  I paid my $ and we started.  I heard 2 other people say that they were new and this helped a lot.

But I actually almost walked out again.  The warm up was skipping.  I haven't skipped since I was 7 in a field of daisies.  Seriously - skip?  That's for fit people, hello??  I tried but I looked like I was 7 in a field of daisies.  Everyone else were doing this quick 2 step skip thing.  I was so embarrassed and almost walked out the door.

But the skipping ended and I managed.  The boxing itself was great and it was like riding a bike.  I did a few classes about 10 years ago and it all came back to me. :)  The lady I was paired up with was encouraging.  I was ok!  My heart rate was higher than usual - ouch!  432 calories in 53 min.  Should have been higher I think - my average heart rate was 138 but most of the time I noticed it was up around 180.  But it was a great work out and the best thing was, that I kept up.  I surprise myself sometimes!  It was fun and it all came rushing back to me why I love kickboxing.

I was glad the class finished though - I was a total beginner and I felt it.  The others were a lot more advanced than me.

But I'm just proud that I did it - it was a 2012 goal, and it was a huge one to overcome.  I thought it would be easy to turn up and just do it.

6 months of excuses wasn't easy.  But tonight, I turned up.  I walked away twice, but then I went in.  And I kicked it's butt. :)   

1 hour and 20min. to go...

I'm about to do it!  One of my goals this year...get back to kickboxing!  I've done Steps 1 and 2 of my grand plan of this goal....I've bought boxing gloves and sourced a good company/class.  Surely that's it?  Ummm ok, so Step 3 means that I have to actually GO. :)

I'm sure I'll be fine, but I am still nervous.  It's a beginners kickboxing class.  I used to do it years ago and loved it.  It was one of my big goals this year.  But every week this year, I have made an excuse and put it off to 'next week'.

I emailed the instructor a few months ago and he assured me that there are many different people who go, at all levels, but I am still packing it!  I just had to check in here to tell someone that I am nervous, but also to assure you that I am going!  Seriously, 6 months of excuses...no more excuses.  I tried to make some up today, and although valid, they're not big enough.  I will go tonight.

Ahhhhh!  Wish me luck!  I'll report back in later.  And then I'll be having a freak out about Goal #2 and #3 for the week that I have planned for tomorrow.  But enough to think about now is tonight.  I will be back into kickboxing in 1 hour and (now) 15min.!

I will do it!