Being gut wrenchingly honest...

Ok.  Time to be gut wrenchingly honest.  This is a term Mish used in one of the Round 2 pre-season videos.  Gut wrenchingly honest.  I usually am, with everything.  I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve and open up to people a lot.  But this is something that I haven't been honest with, even to myself.

I've been off track for a few days.  And that's just with my nutrition.  It's been longer with training.

I have no idea how but I still lost 2.6kg this week - it's completely undeserved - I think it was the hard work I put into the week before.  Also on a side note, I got an email from Mish saying that I'm in the Top 15% of transformations so far! :)  I am so excited about this.

BUT

I didn't want to admit this, because I had a vague feeling that I need to be upbeat and on track and perfect (there you go, the ultimate word!)  This challenge is the life turn around for me that I needed.  So how can I first fail to carry on, then fail to admit it?

The start of the 'fall' is a bit hazy.  I've been super-stressed lately.  I've been looking for a new job as my current contract is ending so I've been having interviews and feeling completely unsettled.  I'm single, I rent, I have no savings and a monument of debt so I need to have that job security to survive.  My play that I'm producing and directing (and wrote and am acting in!) opens tomorrow: the week before opening is always crazy - I'm working or organising my play from 6am-12am each day.  My house is a brothel and it's doing my head in as I'm usually a neat-freak.  My correspondence/paperwork/emails/messages/finances are out of control.  A young girl in my care had a car accident leaving my house the other day but is ok and it gave me quite a scare.  I ended up in hospital myself after I got home from being there with her as a pre-caution for my PE's (see "Who is Coco Girl?") for a coincidental knock to the head I received.  (I'm ok).  And that's just this week.

But do you know what?  Every single thing I listed just there is an excuse.  Maybe not the potential excuses I preempted in pre-season, but they're all excuses.  Even last night, I was telling myself that it's ok that I'm eating complete crap and not training, because this week has been out of the ordinary full on, and I will get back into it.  ('Editors note': ummm, when?)

It's only by writing this post (my gosh writing is therapeutic!) :)  as I write it all out that I realise some cold, hard facts:

• These happenings are all excuses - they should have no bearing on my nutrition and training.  What Coco, because you haven't paid your phone bill yet, it means you can eat an Aero Bar??  Seriously?
• I was lying to myself that this is ok "because I'm having a bad week".
• Crazy weeks like this always happen, to different extents.  What, I can only eat well and train when things are going peachy perfect in the sunlight with rainbows?  Ummm, when are things perfect?
• This all comes down to two things.  CONTROL and PLANNING.

The control factor has got me thinking.  I'll write another post on that soon.  But right now, I need to consider PLANNING.

Apart from simply allowing myself to go off track, the reason I haven't been on track, is simply down to poor planning.  I confess, I haven't been doing my planning.  *hangs head*.  There you have it.  It is so important!  It's vital for success!  I've let life get in the way.  I realise that when things get hectic, as they often do, you do have hope of making good choices if you have planned.

I haven't planned.

Also, this week has made me realise how much bingeing is a comfortable 'part' of me.  It's not some sort of fault that you can just dust away into the rubbish bin forever (well, not easily anyway).  It's a huge dirty habit that lurks and can reappear as soon as you move your eyes off the goal post for one second.

So.  My commitment to you, is that by Monday night, I will report back here with my updated plan of attack.  I will do the following:

MAKE THE TIME.  Not freak out at how far behind I am.  Sit down with paper and pen (okay, laptop and mouse!) and PLAN everything that I usually do.  My diary - meals - training - grocery shopping - red flag days - do my numbers - reassess - look at where I am - re-focus and re-plan.  My life is out of control right now and it makes me feel sick.  But if I PLAN (and of course DO), I can pull myself out of this little ditch I let myself fall into.

I will be accountable to you, my readers and my 12WBT family.  Watch this space by Monday night and I will re-commit by having re-focussed on my plan, and having updated my goals.  The plan works.  If you follow it.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I've let myself fall.  But I'm taking ownership, changing my ways and being gut wrenchingly honest...with you, and with myself.

Have a great weekend :) x