Blergh

It's one of those nights...

Feeling blergh. I was just sitting down thinking it'd be handy if I had a blog where I could just dump all this stuff out and get it off my chest........

Nothing's actually wrong. I'm just suddenly feeling really unmotivated. I don't know why - just a

Boot camp touch comp tonight

mixture of stuff probably.

I really really really want a break - I get one in 5 sleeps, I just have to hang in there. I'm so stressed during the day at the moment and then so busy at night - dinner at 10:30pm and sleep at 1:45am is not good when I have to be up at 5am. Yet this is what's happening. I'm behind in everything and it's stressing me out. I've been trying to get to the doctor for 2 days and I haven't even had time to ring them (let alone go!) :(  It's just the usual busy end of year thing everyone has.  It sux.  Bring on holidays - 12 whole days off.  Sleeping, relaxing, organising, seeing family and friends - all things that have been neglected lately.

I was posting on Instagram earlier and was writing about my birthday and that's gotten me all down. It's stupid but I haven't been looking forward to it and if anything have been feeling sad about it - this is so unlike me, I LOVE birthdays! I'll copy and paste from my post here which explains it rather than typing it again #cozimlazylikethat

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Throwback Thursday.... This is me at a birthday dinner of mine last year. Every time I look at this photo I remember just feeling sad. I was at my biggest and so unhappy within myself. I was trying to hide - which is a bit hard when you're the birthday girl! All of the photos from this night made me cringe. I was wearing a top that I hated just because it was the only one I could find that fit when I went shopping. I wore it with my staple pair of black fat pants. On top of that I was feeling really unwell. I was in hospital on my actual birthday so I had to postpone my dinner for a couple of weeks which really upset me. I was lucky to make it even this night as I was back in hospital again and got out just in time the day before dinner attempt #2. My friend suggested to postpone it again but I was determined not to change my birthday a 3rd time. I should have though as I was so unwell. All I remember is being all shaky and dazed, while feeling like I wanted the ground to swallow me up because I hated how I looked and hated how I felt. And I hated how that another year had passed and I was still 80kg overweight. It's not nice to feel like that on your birthday.

I pulled myself together to start losing weight soon after so I wouldn't have another birthday feeling like that. This years birthday didn't really go to plan either - QLD floods hit, I woke up to having to throw out the entire contents of my fridge & freezer as my power had finally gone after 4 days, my work got closed because it flooded, I spent some of the day shoveling sand bags for flood victims, then had to get washed, dressed and made up for my birthday dinner in a shopping centre public bathroom because I had no power at home. However I was a lot lighter and happier than I was last year. 

And my next birthday, I plan to feel even better again. (And I am nervous but I'm also am hoping for no hospitals, ambulances or natural disasters!) Each birthday, each new year and just any day of the year we have the opportunity to feel better than we did last year. We'll probably never feel 'perfect' or have everything the way we want it to be, but we can work hard to feel 1000 times better than the last year. We just have to start now. Think of your next birthday, or New Years Day, or any date next year - where would you like to be at? How would you like to feel? 

Start working on that right now. Coz when you get there.....and you feel better than the last year.....that's a pretty damn amazing feeling. Just start now - work towards how you want to feel. #throwbackthursday #transformation #birthday #operationbirthday #12wbt #goals
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So... apart from the motivation theme of the post because I really believe that, and apart from the fact that I love Operation Birthday and it's been spurring me on, I'm just worrying. I'm not superstitious and I don't expect anything to go wrong but I'm still nervous and I just don't want to have any dramas happen on my birthday again. I know it's not big stuff...but birthdays are so important to me.  Not a biggie but thinking and writing about my birthday has made it all come up.

On a slightly positive note though, I got my shit together again yesterday as I said I would. No more slackening off or slowing down. But it's hard...especially when I'm feeling how I'm feeling tonight.

Buying the shorts and trying them on at home

Also I haven't updated it on here, it's all been on Instagram, but....I bought my first pair of shorts last week! Crazy stuff! To try and quickly summarise:

• I got told after I overheated at the 30km run last week that I should be running in shorts 
• I laughed and thought "yeah right" - maybe in 6 months
• A few days later I was shopping and saw PINK MISH shorts! Pink? And Mish? I couldn't help myself and bought them. They are so short they make me feel like they're practically underwear
• I posted a pic on Instagram - coz I document my journey - I didn't think much about it
• So many people encouraged me to wear them now - so much so that they convinced me to! Talk about power of the people! Literally the only reason I considered wearing them now and not In 6 months is solely the encouragement boost from my IG followers!  I was not expecting that - I wasn't expecting anything coz it was just a usual random post of whats happening
• All week I've been trying to get the confidence to wear them. Tonight was going to be the night! We played a championship of touch footy with my boot camp group (SO much fun by the way!)
• I thought I would be ok to wear them for the first time, especially as I was amongst friends. 



Just hanging, waiting to be worn...

• I got out of my car wearing them - and couldn't even walk away - I felt so uncomfortable just literally standing at my car door that when I realised I was too nervous to take a step away at least, then tonight was not the night.  So I lightning speed quickly hopped back in my car and put tights on instead. :(  With the shorts over the top!  
• I just got down because I was like 'am I kidding myself to think I can wear these??' :(

I'll try again tomorrow. 

My very first size 'Small' - ever.  And from tiny SUPRE!

On another positive note though, guess what I bought last night? Two tops from Supre - Size SMALL!!!!! I have never been size Small in anything, ever. I wore one today, so proud.

I feel like I don't have any motivation at the moment to keep going.  Which is ridiculous because I have plenty.  But that's how I'm feeling...

Anyway enough random, non-connecting, not making sense and whining chatter, that's enough negativity and randomness for one blog post. I know nothing sounds bad and it's not.  I'm just whinging and basically telling you a few random things on my mind when really, the crux of my issue is that I am craving motivation.  I'm sure I'll jump back tomorrow. Just now I'm feeling blah and feeling unmotivated even for my Operation Birthday.  I'm not about to give  up or stuff up, but I'm definitely feeling :( tonight xo