The Quiet Life of Bees

I haven’t written for a loooong time!  It’s only been just over a week but it feels like forever.  So much has happened and I didn’t know where to start updating you. So I'm not going to worry and I'm just going to write. 

So for starters, it’s been a bit of a hell-ish week medically.  2 hospital visits + 5 GP appointments + 2 ultrasounds + 1 CT scan + 1 X-ray + 5 blood & urine tests this week = a lot of my physical and mental energy.

I’ve had a few issues going on.  Two potentially extremely serious, two not so much but still a cause for concern.  All of them hold their fair share of anxiety.  One of the main things this week has been trying to figure out what’s been the cause of the pain I had a few months ago – it has been with me for 12 weeks, and last week it started getting a lot worse.  I tried to cope with it for so long until it got too much to handle, and I started asking for help. 

Took this photo for a friend - now you get to see it! Gowns are sexy.

Ovarian cysts?  Appendicitis?  Endometriosis?  So many possibilities, no definitive answer.  I just knew I was in pain, so I spoke up.

And no-one seemed to listen.

When I was about 8, I went to a school friends birthday party after school one day.  We were going to go swimming in the creek on her property.  So us gaggle of girls jumped in the back of her grandfathers ute and drove through the bush until we got to the creek.  On our way we had to climb through a fence – and at this fence was an angry swarm of bees.  Two of us got stung all over.

Sam, one of the girls, screamed and cried and carried on, running around, completely hysterical, and understandably, causing a bit of a scene.  Everyone rushed over to help and we bundled back into the ute tray. The other girl who got stung was me.  I remember just silently crying in the corner of the ute.  I was as quiet as they came at 8.  Eventually the birthday girls grandfather noticed me and called out that there was 'another one' and I got fixed up too.  There’s no right or wrong way of reacting to something like that, of course, Sam and I were just different. And besides, we were 8.

But even now, as an adult, I cry and whinge and complain with the best of them and I may seem pretty dramatic sometimes.  But generally speaking, when it comes to things like this, I am still completely no fuss.  Together with a high pain threshold, I rarely let on to things like this.  I open up about everything: almost everything.  When I was in the Top 20 last round, on stage in Brisbane, all dressed up, grinning for the cameras and cuddling Mish, I was in a lot of pain and I tried not to double over. Smiles can hide a lot.  A couple of times now, over the past year, I’ve had ambulances arrive for me, and they’ve asked me where the patient is.  Umm, right in front of you, it’s me! 

At Round 4 finale

I’m no Sam. :)  I’m the silent one in the corner of the ute.  And that’s how I felt this week.  I've been in chronic pain for months, and this week, when I finally said enough is enough, no-one seemed to understand.  I felt like I had to scream and cry and be Sam just to get someone to listen.  Everyone kept dismissing me and it really hurt.  I tried and I asked and I kept going back but everyone seemed to just pat me on the head and say that I’m fine.  It got to the point this week that I seriously felt like I don’t deserve medical care.  It sounds dramatic but when you’ve been turned away so many times, it’s pretty hard not to feel like that.

My GP who I had been seeing for at least 5 years, deeply offended and annoyed me last time I saw him – so I am in the middle of trying to find a new doctor.  He said that “all fat people are bulimic” and that all humans should starve for 2 days a week, and some other ridiculous stuff.  Needless to say, that did it for me.  At a fun run a few weeks ago, I got turned away from the medical tent which was a bit upsetting.  And then this week, doctor after doctor kept dismissing what I was saying.  My friends kept saying to cry and yell, but it is just not in my nature and as much as I am an actress by night time profession and often get overwhelmed and excitable, I simply can not be high fuss.  Maybe I have to be?

After one hideous appointment this week, where the doctor refused to help me, snatched things out of my hands, yelled and snapped at me amongst other stuff, I couldn’t hold it in any more.  He was not someone I believe anyone should have to put up with in a doctor/patient relationship – but particularly in the middle of my week, he was not the person I needed to see, at all.  As I walked out, a nurse noticed me about to lose the plot and ushered me into her office where I finally broke down: “no-oooooone will listennnnn to meeeeee!’  I sobbed and I sobbed.  Why is it so hard to ask for help, and then when you finally do, you get ignored? Just because things can't be seen, doesn't mean they're not there...

Waiting...waiting...

Anyway, I felt better after my meltdown to the beautiful nurse; Potential Serious Thing #1 is clear (thank goodness); Potential Serious Thing #2 is clear as far as I know; the pain has reduced and the other things I'm still sorting. I'm putting a complaint in about the horrific doctor, a compliment in about the beautiful nurse, and am on the search for a new doctor who will listen and take me seriously. Or at least treat me with respect. Apparently there's some out there.

Apart from all of that, Operation No Diet Coke is still going really well! I haven't touched one thing that isn't water, mineral water (or 1 soda water) in 2 weeks. I've stopped the food replacement and since I took the pressure off with all of that, things have been so much easier. I've stopped weighing in 3x a day and have stopped being obsessive.  I'm still pining the 99 but I'm waiting excited rather than upset. And I dropped 3.5kg this week and another kg since Wednesday! This morning I was 100.1kg. My scales are teasing me but I am so close! 200g to go!  I've had John Farnham's "Take The Pressure Down" song in my head lately...

I haven't been perfect though. My snacks are a bit out of control and I need to be a little more strict with myself on a few things. But one thing at a time. 

I'll write another post or two to tell you about that and other stuff that's been happening, and some pretty incredible (to me) events that I've been doing. We have everything from an almost having to be rescued event to the most heart warming event I've been a part of to date, and everything in between.

Just wanted to say hi - will post some more soon..

Happy Week 9 xoxo