Chaos, Chests and Chocolate. And Size 14.

This’ll be a mish-mash of a mixed up post I think.  I have heaps on my mind and just need to get it all out and off my chest so I can get on with my day.  No alignment or central topic today.

Firstly, Weigh-In-Wednesday today.  I weighed in at 112.9kg.  I’m happy with that :)  I lost 1.8kg.  Greedy perhaps but I wanted more.  However I really like seeing the ‘2’ in that figure.  Going down slowly but surely.  I’m so close to the 30kg mark – I can’t wait to hit it!  I think I need to up the ante a bit.  It’s been a very slow pace from 20-30.

One exciting thing though is that yesterday I wore a Size 14!  A Mish crop top.  It was very, very cool.  For the record, I am not a Size 14 yet.  I am struggling with the fact that some Size 16’s fit.  I am still wearing Size 18-26 pants!  I still have no idea what size I actually am.  However, this Size 14 fit.  And while I wore that, I was a Size 14 – well in the chest, in that particular crop top, anyway.

Yesterday I celebrated Christmas Day with my family.  My immediate family do this post-Christmas when we go away.  So it was present time!  My presents were pretty funny.  Polar opposites.  Here are some photos:

LOL.  So half of my presents was chocolate, and the other half was One Active / Mish stuff, multivitamins and $ for some extra boot camps that I want to do.  Funny.  My family is extremely supportive about my weight loss.  I know that chocolate gifts can be seen as sabotaging efforts in some families but mine wasn’t, they just didn’t think. :)  In saying that, after they gave it to me they did say that they don’t mind if I give it away, and then my parents even offered to keep it at their house to stop temptation for me.  I was really impressed they thought of that – so I left the chocolate behind.  I love the other stuff and can’t wait to get into these boot camps which start next week.

I’m having a frustrating morning so far.  Just one of those mornings where everything goes wrong.  Getting up on the wrong side of bed, fretting about someone, yoghurt spillages on work clothes that I don’t see till I leave the house, later than I like to be for work, being late means I miss out on 2 of my walks, not finding a carpark, leaving lunch in the car, boot camp got cancelled, blah blah blah – nothing major but it’s annoying stuff that is snowballing to upset me a bit.  But there’s something bigger that I think is the real thing that is bothering me.

My last blog post I wrote was all about NYE, goals, and relaxing about them.  Something hasn’t been sitting right with me since I wrote it.  Don’t get me wrong, I still agree wholeheartedly with everything that I wrote.  I truly believe that perfection doesn’t exist, and that we can do whatever we want whenever we want – we don’t need NYE to do things.

However I think I went too far in that line of thinking.  One thing I have never been wonderful at, is balance :)  I am the biggest planner, list maker, organisation obsessed person I know.  2012 circumstances made me the most disorganised person I know.  My life has been in complete chaos for at least 8 months now.  It was a coping mechanism.

But now things are sorting out and the disorganisation is getting to me.  I strangely feel like I’m being left behind this year already – yes, on Day 2 – everyone around me seems to have these major goals in place and plans written down.  Usually that is me.  I feel like my ‘relaxed’ view has been quite pessimistic.  I am usually a big-fresh-start-you-can-do-anything-a-brand-new-year-brings-new-opportunities type person.  Yet I think I have become a slightly ‘yes-that-is-right-and-dream-big-BUT-everything-will-probably-change-or-stuff-up-so-don’t-expect-anything-to-go-right type person.  Huh?  How did that happen?  Here I was the other day on here saying ‘don’t stress ---- it’s all good’ but I think a happy balance is ok and that is the missing key here.

I think I have become SO good at realising that plans can change and goals need to be flexible, that I’ve gone too far the other way.  I haven’t worked out the direction I need to take, I have goals all over the place and no clear view of them, my life is in a highly disorganised state --- 13000 emails in my Inbox is just part of the very huge iceberg of backed up everything that is holding me back.  I think 2012 railroaded me so much that I am now expecting things to change so much that I haven’t tried to be slightly organised yet.

And it’s driving me crazy.

I think a happy balance is in order.  Calm the chaos, slowly chip away, make plans and be vigilant with my goals again, BUT just be open minded at the same time.  No more extremes: balance is required for a happy Kate.  I’ll let you know how this goes.  I think I need to work out what it is exactly that I want and need.  I’ve had enough chaos, I want to go back to being organised.  I think I need to be a little bit more optimistic that things will go right, because most stuff probably will.

I also think I over-think things!

Time to focus on my goals, plans, resolutions, dreams, mantra, vision, rewards: get it all down and make it happen.  And clean up my chaos.  Speaking of rewards, I was looking through some old diaries a couple of weeks ago and found some old ‘diet plans’ from when I was a young teenager.  I have plans everywhere.  It had a reward system attached and it made me laugh.  My “5kg lost” reward was to “eat KFC”.  My “10kg lost” reward was to “eat at a buffet”.  Yeah – I won’t be having rewards like that anymore :)

Anyway I am off to plan some stuff.  Get some balance.  And some perspective.  And think positive.  The best laid plans can unravel.  But we have to plan and work like they won’t.  It’s ok to do that.