GET UP

This is my commitment to Mish, 12WBT, my 30+ers, my 12WBTers, my family, my friends, and myself.

I've written some brave posts before.  I'm sure there's more to come.  And this is one of them. This post has been milling around in my head for a few weeks and I haven't been able to get it right until now.

I fucked up.

I failed. I've been sorting my stuff out for months now and in a few days will complete my second round of 12WBT. It's a life changing program and I know I'm in the process of finally finding the thing that works after battling different eating disorders for 15 years. But I thought I had fixed my 'issues' surrounding my weight.

Turns out I was wrong.

I haven't sorted myself out yet. I am still learning. I didn't want to say anything on this blog because I thought it would be seen as negative, and I don't like being negative. This entire blog is from the heart and as much as I can, I try to keep it positive. But I'm realising that this 'bad' stuff, it's not a 'negative' thing, it's just an 'honest' thing. The other reason I didn't say anything was that I thought everyone reading this would think "ffs Kate- you've done 2 rounds - you haven't learnt it yet??" Well to be brutally honest to myself, no, I actually haven't.

A few weeks ago I binge ate. (I say that like it was a once off thing- it wasn't- but I am talking about this particular week.) I binged and I put on 2kg. I thought I had failed so I didn't say anything. That very day, a brave friend did a vlog, saying she had binged, and she too had gained 2kg. She didn't just write it on her blog, she videoed herself saying it! It gave me a little confidence - not because I wasn't the only one - but because it was refreshing to hear someone say they stuffed up. She was brave and told the world. And it wasn't negative. It was truthful and to be honest, very positive. I hadn't told anyone! I just ate more chips...

My first round of 12WBT was all about my mind. My next round will be all about my body- I realised that this round has been about my spirit. In a huge way. I needed to. And that's ok.  Maybe I needed 100% focus on that before I could hammer the rest of the stuff.

My lesson in failure.  Try, and try again.

As for the failures of this round, I think where I went wrong was poor planning - ok, I lie - NO planning. And dealing with stuff life threw at me, with food. I have done this for 15 years- it's a coping thing. I fed my life challenges with food in my first round, and I have done the same this round. I know there's never going to be a perfect round with no challenges. And as convenient as it might be, life doesn't come in 12 week blocks. :) Life is life. Things are going to happen. We're going to need comfort at some points more than others. The thing I have to ask myself, is am I going to continue doing this. Am I going to continue comforting myself with food. As the picture above says, am I willing to give up being a caterpillar. And most importantly, am I going to Get Up.

I understood the freedom in failure this week.

We have to dream the impossible- aim for the craziest, most elaborate goal. And get to work to make it happen. Because the joy is not only in the ultimate dream, it's in the process and in the failures. And that's why this is ok.

I thought I was a very open person. I could be moreso.

I only lost a little bit of weight this round. I lost 10kg, and then since about Week 5, I have gained and lost and gained and lost and gained again. I'm NOT going to put a positive spin on this, by saying I still 'lost overall.' I did- I am lighter than the start of this round. I've achieved things I didn't think possible on the exercise / events front. But it's not good enough.

I didn't plan. I binged. I made very poor food choices. I didn't train consistently. I didn't finish all of my pre-season tasks.

Owning the Size 16 even if it is a once off!

Oh and you know that Size 16 yellow dress that I said I'd wear in Sydney? Well I stuffed that up too. (See this post: Introducing...The Yellow Dress) It doesn't fit me. I failed that challenge. And that's really embarrassing to admit. I promised here that I would wear it this weekend. Well, I'm not. I'm going to try again for the Brisbane finale weekend in 12-ish weeks and wear it there. In saying that though, I did say I'd be a Size 16 by Sydney and this week I tried on a Size 16 dress that I didn't think would fit, and it did. I was so excited. I am not a Size 16 overall, this dress was just a (very) generous make - trust me. But it says Size 16 so I will be wearing that dress in Sydney on Friday. So I will be Size 16 in Sydney! Just in a blue and white dress....

I stuffed up. Heaps. I can choose to continue like this or I can be really brave and change things. The start of a new round is like NYE- it's an opportunity to have a fresh start - plan new goals - and try again. We all have the opportunity to improve ourselves every single day. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

The thing I have to ask myself, is am I willing to change / stop what I know needs to be done. Butterflies can't fly if their wings are tied up in knots.

There is freedom in letting it all out.  To others, and to ourselves.

I'm not even upset about my results. Because I learnt from them. I tore myself up when I didn't achieve what I wanted after my first round. Then repeated the same behaviour. (?) You get out what you put in. Why would I beat myself up over something I know I've done and learnt from?  My self destructiveness does have limits. ;)  I had some fantastic wins through this round, don't get me wrong. I've told you about them here already. :) This is the stuff I haven't told you. It's not negative, it's just truthful. I'll wear that flukey blue and white Size 16 dress in Sydney and have an awesome weekend. Because it's ok. I'm not professing that I'll be perfect- I've worked out that that kinda doesn't work for me. :) But I am saying that I'll keep going. Keep fighting, keep trying, and never give up. Because each day I get a little better at what I'm trying to do. I haven't gotten it yet. And that's ok. Maybe I'll learn this again a few more times before I get it right. I was born 3 weeks past my due date.  I got my learners permit when I turned 16 and didn't get my P's until I was 25. I quit smoking 3 times before I finally did it for real. But I got there. All in Katie time. I'll get there with this, too. As long as I'm aiming up (come at me, moon), then that's all I need to worry about.

I can choose to do what I have done, on and off, for 15 years. Or I can change it. The power's inside me. I want to fly so much.

I choose to GET UP. :)