I lost 20kg then cried at fat photos: the ups and downs of Week 5

Hey guys :)

Wow, what a week.  It's been a big one in Coco-land.  Or, thanks to my last post, should I say Kate-land ;)  Firstly I'd just like to say a huge thank you to everyone who read or gave me so many encouraging comments after my last post, Undressing myself...  The feedback I got was completely unexpected and so very encouraging.  I truly thought that I'd be lucky if I found just a couple of people who could appreciate where I was coming from.  Instead, I was overwhelmed with many, many people's reactions to this, talks of tears and mentions of "me too". 

It's funny when we think that we're alone with something, and we finally get the courage to tell someone (or in my case, the 'world'!) and we find out we're not the only ones.  Thank you to everyone who made the time to read this post, and write to me.  Please trust how truly thankful I am (and overwhelmed) by people's reactions to it.  Please let me know if you too have, or get the courage to share a bit more of yourselves as I would love to celebrate this huge step with you too. :)

It's been a big week for me.  In a nutshell, I've had massive highs (I finally lost 20kg!) and struggle street lows (battling with self confidence) and everything in between.  It started with climbing the mountain / hill: Purple vs blue shirts and the yellow pole, ended with clanking coconuts in a hula luau themed boot camp by the ocean and in the middle there I unleashed my photo to the world wide web and have had to reassess some goals.

I LOST 20kg!  One thing at a time though - yes, I finally lost 20kg!  Oh.my.gosh.  I took my time with it!  It was an awesome milestone to finally hit.  I started at the end of May at 141kg and on Wednesday's weigh in, I hit 119.6kg.  So that took me from starting in the '140's' to being in the 'teens' - that was a huge milestone in itself.  Yes, I was barely in the 140's and am barely in the teens, BUT from a mindset point of view, that is big. :)  And so that also meant I surpassed the 20kg loss barrier!!  It's been a battle to get there and I took my time but I did it!  That also means I am now a quarter of the way to my goal weight.  Only 61.6kg to go!  It's a long road :)  Every 10kg marker will be a big milestone - next one on the horizon is the 30kg lost mark!

Umm, what am I doing?  One thing I have been struggling with since then is slipping into old habits as soon as I reach a milestone.  I did this at the end of my first round, after final weigh in.  I started eating--- let's just say "unclean"...for a few days after.  I did the very same thing this week!  As soon as I hit 20kg lost, out came the bad food.  This has really gotten to me - but looking at it rationally, I am kind of glad that I can see this pattern emerging.  It's a shit pattern and I wish I wasn't doing it (!), however I am glad I can recognise that this is something I need to fix, STAT.  It's like I get to a goal and then my mind thinks "cool, done that, now I can relax!"  Hmmm, ummm, no.  I have to fix this soon because I don't want to keep repeating this, especially when I get to goal - what, am I going to lose 83kg and then put it all back on again?  No way.  This is something I am going to try and get my head around now.  At least I recognise it now.  I am not expecting a big loss this week - to be honest, I will be lucky to get a loss at all.  I am working on it but there were quite a few stuff ups.  Whatever the number is on Wednesday though, I will own it and keep going.  

The girl in the photos.  One thing that I have really, really struggled with this week is my confidence.  I've gone from climbing a mountain, losing 20kg and revealing who I am, to crying in shock and horror at current photos of myself.  This week there just happens to have been a lot of photos of myself appear - I've been to quite a few events over the past week or two and all of the photos have suddenly come out.  I have been truly horrified at how I look.  I'm talking swearing to myself with a shocked face and tears.  I guess what has horrified myself the most, is that these are current photos.  Photos taken even just yesterday.  I had no idea how I looked at the moment.  I've been beside myself thinking if I look like this now, what the hell did I look like 20kg ago??  In my mind, the photos from this week are how I thought I looked back before May.  Over the past 17 weeks of 12WBT my mind has been slowly getting stronger and I guess my self confidence has been slowly increasing.  So to have this reaction just shattered me.  It's one thing for me to cry over old photos, but this is how I look NOW!  I look awful.  I've been working hard at this, I thought I would increasingly like photos of myself as time goes on and the kg's go down.  Nope :(  But I can't do anything - I just have to suck it up, maybe not look at the photos and just keep going.

Self talk.  Maybe because of this, my confidence has just gone splatter all over the ground over the last few days.  Yesterday I went to a boot camp by the ocean with some other amazing 12WBT'ers.  The theme was 'Rock-a-hula-luau' and we all dressed up in lai's, hula skirts and coconut bras :)  It made for an interesting work-out!  Coco Girl in the coconut bra ;)  We looked cool and it was a bit of fun. :)  But oh my, my self talk was awful.  We did sprints up a hill.  These boot camps I go to are not competitive - there are no races and our trainer is very supportive of everyone doing it at their own pace.  I think that's one reason why I love going so much.  The only person I race against is myself, and I always feel like I keep up because of this.  But yesterday, I was a shatter-confidence-girl. :(

That's me in the pink hula skirt :)

We were sprinting up the hill and I was pretty much last.  Again -- this wasn't a race against each other -- this was all in my head.  But all I could see was everyone else in front of me sprinting forward, and then me in my obesity (and coconut bra!) struggling up the rear.  There were actually 3 girls around my pace, but I didn't notice them.  Funnily enough, a photo was taken of me at the back of the pack so I've included it here so you can sort of see what I saw.  Self talk is so damn strong.  The things I told myself were awful.  The stupid thing is, I am not usually like that.  I don't compare myself to others on this journey very much.  To an extent, it's natural to do so, but I am pretty good with this and just compare me, to me.  But yesterday I reverted to this "I'm not good enough" type kid.  I then remembered the 3 girls who ran at a similar pace and I didn't feel so bad.  Until I heard that all 3 of them were sporting an injury / going slow to prevent an illness.  That spiralled me down and I was out of sorts for the rest of the day.  Dumb, hey. :(  The issue wasn't even that I was last, it was just that I was being negative.  I will say it again that this whole mindset issue was all coming from my own self talk.  The boot camp itself is the most supportive environment!  Can't say as much for my own self talk though! :)

Resetting goals.   I've had to do a bit of resetting of my goals.  Last week I finally went through my general 2012 goals, to get them all up to date and re-focus.  One of those goals was to donate blood.  This is a big one for me - all my life I've had a phobia of needles so donating blood was always out of the question.  Until this year of course, where needles for me have become just about as habitual as eating.  (Almost off the rollercoaster!)  I decided that I finally want to donate blood.  I wanted to help anyway, and when I heard how many people had to donate to keep a couple of friends of mine alive, it was a no brainer - so on my list it went.  But then the blood clots happened, and because of the medication I was on, I wasn't allowed to donate.  Until I came off it, which I have now done!  I made sure I would be allowed to donate.  I took the "can I donate blood?" quiz online - tick.  I went to my GP and got a letter saying that I was clear of clots and it was safe for me to donate - tick.  I scrutinised every question and answer on the FAQ's section of the Red Cross website - tick.  I made an appointment and geared myself up - tick.  I went along on Saturday and was excited that I could finally donate.  And they turned me away :(  Because of the stupid clots.  Apparently I not only have to be off the medication, I have to wait for 1 whole year from when I recover, before I can donate - my blood is fine, it's just for my own safety.  I was so disappointed, I could barely wait till I left the blood bank before I burst into tears.  I had geared myself up so much to do this, realistically, over years - when I finally decided to I still had to wait for 7 months, so to then go in and be told to go away for another year?  I know it isn't a big deal, but I was really disappointed and it just brought up the whole emotional clot saga for me again.

An update on the yellow dress: not much different (yet)

Anyway, since then I have been playing around with my goals, my 2012 goals and my weight goals and trying to be a bit more realistic.  I've moved the donate blood one to 2013 and in a way it's been good because it's allowed my mind to be a bit more open and realistic with other goals.  What do they say the 'R' in 'SMART' goals stands for?  Realistic.  Well sometimes mine aren't.  I get very passionate and determined and go out all guns ablazing - I have to take a step back sometimes and be a bit more sensible and accepting. :)  My next step is to make a little inspiration board to look at when I'm in my home 'gym'.  I need to focus now - we have 7 weeks left of the round of 12WBT and I want to meet my goals.  I won't meet my goals with negative self talk or eating crap, nor by expecting myself to build Rome in a day.  At least give myself 2 days ;)

We'll see how I go with Week 6.  Tomorrow morning I'm starting to train with a fellow 12WBT'er who lives very close to me.  I'm stepping up my training from now on and I'm going to try and surround myself with positivity - people and things.  I'll let you know how I go on weigh-in-Wednesday...I will own whatever the number is, I promise.  It's set to be an even tougher week at work so I have to be strong.  And as for the photos, as one wise and awesome friend said to me last night when I opened up about my fat photos: "Today is the WORST you will ever look again, each day you get better and closer to being who you want."  I am working on it.  And that's all I have to remember, and that is all I have to keep doing. :)