The C word

Ahhhhh hello :)

My name is Kate/Coco and I write this blog. You may however forget this...because lately it’s been so long in between blog posts!

Things are ramping up for me with theatre and I barely have any spare time at the moment…………………………………………….................. and while this is true, it's a bullshit excuse as to why I haven't been blogging very much.

The fact is I've been struggling with this whole weight thing. And you don't want to hear about that, right? Just the same as I don't want to write about it. I'm down enough about it, why also validate it in writing? And besides, ignorance is fake bliss. I tend to ignore, procrastinate and delay the inevitable. And as much as it's a lovely little rainbow world at the time, doing this gets me into a lot of stressful situations.

Soooooo I've had time to process it all myself, so it's time to come clean on here.

The crux of it is, I returned to old habits and gained weight.  This isn’t a new thing for me.  For 16 years I have done this, and even though the last year has been different, I have still had little slip ups.  I battled with trying to work out why I keep doing this and why this time it was going on for so long.

Was it a 40kg mark thing?  Half way thing?  1 year fitversary thing?  MY thing?  If I could just figure out what the thing was, I would be able to stop it, you see.  I needed to figure out the Why

I fit into this shirt I bought years ago this week

before I could Stop.  I used some tools to help me work this out: a lot of chocolate, chips, takeaway, ice cream, lollies...you name it, I shovelled it.  It was Bingefest 2013+.  That quote that says 'Dance like nobody's watching'?  Well, I 'Ate like nobody was watching.'  It was quite disgusting.  And it went on for a while.  Hand in hand with my stopping training.

I started the training back up again but the food thing set back in.  For a whole 2 weeks of this round.  Two wasted weeks, two bingefest weeks.  Why Why Why Why do I do this to myself, ALL the time?

I worked so hard to get under 100kg and made the biggest song and dance about it, and then I made it.  And then I began this crap.  I got up to 107.9kg.  Have I completely wasted this year?  I was around that in January!  People keep asking me how much I’ve lost and my answer is always the same:

“Oh, around 40kg”.



“Around 40.”

“About 40kg.”

I wasn’t lying, I was just being ignorant to the up and down around 40kg that I was doing.  A little bit over, a little bit under, I stopped remembering the exact number on the scales.  “Around 40kg” was true and felt safe.  Coz it was around that.  (See, ignorance is bliss!)  …..She says as she inhales a Cadbury Marvellous Creations Jelly Crunchie Bits family block…...

There was one point on a struggling / teary boot camp morning last week where I actually asked myself whether it would just be easier to go back to where I used to be.  141kg and morbidly obese, and all the emotional and health things that came with it.  I seriously considered it.  I’ve never done that before.  The fact I actually asked myself this was a bit of a wake up call.  I seriously contemplated allowing myself to go back to crying in clothes shop changing rooms and hurting my feet from trying not to weight bare on friends’ rickety chairs?  Really?  Is shovelling a Hungry Jacks Tender Crisp meal

A special Gold Coat boot camp

(upsized, with a vanilla thick shake) into my face in my car really worth all of that?

Well I may not have learnt everything over the past year, but I have worked out one thing, and that is that I am finished with that morbidly obese crap, and this time is for real.  I know that much.  I may slip up still but each time makes me a little stronger and each time it gets a little bit less often.  I’ve never lost that.

So you know what I did?  I picked myself up and sorted

my shit out.

I did some soul searching.  I decided to stop worrying about why I keep doing this, and just get on with it.  That’s very unlike me but I was wasting too much time trying to figure out the answer that never came… I even used Google.  It turns out you can Google inspiration.  I found this quote from good ol’ Bill Cosby:

The quote that changed me

And I realised that it was true.  It was all about the ‘C’ word: commitment.  It reminded me that if I’m committed then I am unstoppable.  I’ve done it in the past, it’s still within me.  My blood DOES have that particular thing in it.  It’s just a matter of keeping your

Making an effort to make food look more appetising

soul firmly on the goal.

  Roadblocks, detours and slip ups are there but if you firmly believe and keep running, none of that will touch you.  You won’t even see those things.

I had a massive D&M with my beautiful trainer and I committed.  I started to feel really blessed that I have so much support around me.  I know I’m lucky with that.  A few people in particular really believe in me…I feel so overwhelmed that they do…it’s amazing how much it helps when you have someone that does.

I got busy planning and preparing.  I did a little Operation Organised with my nutrition. 

Operation Anal

Actually it was more like Operation OCD!  I went overboard.  I sat down and customised my menu for the following fortnight.  I worked out my shopping list and went grocery shopping.  I then spent hours in the kitchen preparing my food.  Not so much a big cook up, although there were extra meals made.  But moreso I got really anal and put my food for each day into piles in my fridge.  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday etc. 

Mondays pile had all of my Monday meals and snacks ready to be picked out in the morning.  Everything was portioned out and bagged up.  Right down to bagging 20g of spinach leaves & 3 tomato slices in a little freezer bag to add to a particular meal.  And taking an egg out of the carton to put with the pile.  Everything was set.  I took anal to a new

level.  It took a while but it’s been so helpful each morning to just grab and go.  I’m out of the house most days from 5am to 10pm so it’s been great just to have it all done and be ready to go each day.

I started to pay more attention to what I was eating.  I was getting bored and starting to look elsewhere for food so I started concentrating on making my meals look colourful and appetising.  I took a lot of photos and Instagrammed them (some of them are on this post).  I remembered how important it was to really love what you are eating.  I am enjoying my food.  You want to do everything possible to not feel deprived.

I kept pushing it at boot camp after my little hiatus.  It has been hard.  But I’m so happy to say that most of my fitness has already returned.  I did lose it – but it wasn’t too far away :)

Yes it would be easier to go back to where I used to be.  If easy means a sad life... My trainer taught me that you either do this or you don't do this.  It's that simple.

I didn’t make a big deal of announcing that I was recommitting because frankly there’s no point.  I've said it before, who would believe me?  And maybe I'll stuff up and fix myself again, and that's ok.  The thing is, the proof is in the actioning, not the promise.  And besides, I know that ‘thing’ is in my blood and that’s all I need to know.

So back to it, and 4.3kg down this week.  Moving on.  It’s not about what’s happened; it’s about what you do next.

And thanks to Google, Bill Cosby, my trainer and the ‘C’ word, what I do next will be pretty damn awesome, just watch this space.  No more “around 40.”

:)

I can see the light!

(If I look really really closely).

Ok not really.

But I can see that I will soon!

Let me explain.

On Saturday I went to visit a friend in hospital. On my way out I had to go to the bathroom. After I washed my hands I saw something in the mirror........I'd just come from training so was wearing tights. As I stood there, I realised that if I stood with my legs slightly apart, there was a very special and welcoming curve of my inner thighs!

Do you know what I mean? I don't know what it's called because I've never ever had one.

You have to look really really closely! There IS a hole!

But I do know that on non-overweight girls, they have a gap between their legs, right at the very top. My thighs have personally always just squished together like unsmoothed pizza dough meets playdough. There aint no light shining through mine!

But, if I stood with my legs ever so slightly apart, there was a tiny gap of light! And my thighs did this curvy thing! Don't get me wrong, I don't have 'the light' yet, it's still total Squishy Dough Land at the moment, buuuuut for the first time I can see my thighs changing shape and I can see how 'the light gap' will work when I lose more weight. Woo! A bit exciting :) And weird. Yes, I know. But still exciting :)

Unfortunately Miss Clutz here, because I was so intent on marvelling at my almost there gap and trying to take a good selfie of it, I didn't realise that my non screwed tight water bottle had tipped over in my handbag and was dripping throughout my bag and onto the floor. A lady walked in a moment later, to find me staring at myself spreading my legs apart, then manically changing to throwing masses of paper towel onto the floor to dry the water up, making it look like I'd had an unfortunate accident. And in this process it wet inside my camera, which is now officially broken.  So my thigh selfie shoot was interrupted.

BUT I can see what the light will look like soon, and that is really cool. I've never been so excited about a gap between my legs before. ;) 

Ciao!

I do like cuddles!

Helloooooooo!  So I've been very quiet on here lately, I'm sorry.  I've been really busy but also I've just been taking some thinking time...this week is one year since I started 12WBT and so maybe I am just doing some old fashioned reflecting.

I thought I'd stop by and say hi and tell you about this little thing that happened tonight.  It's not really significant but I want to tell someone...anyone reading this, this is your lucky day ;)

Some of you may remember a month or so ago I had some issues with GP's.  My long standing GP deeply offended me for the last time - and then I had a horrific week of hospitals and tests, amidst multiple GP's, one of which reduced me into hysterics in a waiting room.  Fun times.

Well I've miraculously managed to steer clear of doctors since then.

Then, the other night, I had a massive pain in my chest.  Huge pain.  It literally felt like someone ---- or an elephant --- was sitting on my chest.

Uh, oh.

It lasted for a good 5 minutes.  It was the worst chest pain I have ever experienced.  I was scared and I didn’t know what to do – I deliberated for ages but in the end I took my advice I give everyone after my experience last year to NEVER ignore that kind of pain.  I sought advice, and it resulted in me visiting my old GP tonight for a check up.  I didn't feel like going, after my last visit I haven't been very impressed with him.

He checked me over and said that he was confident that it wasn't a blockage.  He said that I don't really have any risk factors.  My age was one – generally speaking I wasn’t old enough to have had time to develop a blockage.  He told me to come back in 8 years!  He said my cholesterol and blood pressure were brilliant.  And he was super impressed (read: surprised!) that I quit smoking.  I have practically lived in his office since I quit over a year ago, but hey, I'll take any kudos from him while I can.  He then said "You're a bit cuddly, but..."

Cuddly?  Last time it was 'obese'.  I am now cuddly?  Awesome!  I do like cuddles!  I felt like a teddy bear rather than an awkward rhinoceros.  After our last chat I am hyper sensitive to his every word, but I think ‘cuddly’ is good.  I know I’m still 40kg overweight, to be called cuddly instead of obese by Dr Blunt is pretty good, right?

In not so many words, he basically said that my health was too good to be of any concern.  After the medical year of hell, everything he was saying was music to my ears…it was akin to….well, a cuddle!  It was like he was sprinkling fairy dust on me and saying ‘well done’.  It felt kinda awesome.  He did say he believed the pain to be anxiety and stress exacerbated heart burn, so not all is great, but at least that’s something I can manage.  (It’s been a tough week). 

I didn’t start this journey with health as my top priority or goal.  That fell into the mix after I had started.  I began it for more emotional and superficial reasons.  But I realised tonight that to be told that I am not a huge risk, and that a lot of that was my own doing, made me feel happy, relieved, and a bit proud.  We actually have a lot of control over our health.  I saw this picture a year ago when I started this thing and I kept it and it’s always stuck in my mind.  See what we can do?

Don’t underestimate your ability to improve your health…one step at a time.  It all counts xx

Happy 12WBT Sign Up Anniversary to me!

Exactly one year ago today, I signed up for 12WBT....!

Best decision ever.

Bring on the next year xo

Operation 'Yellow Dress' returns!

Soooo…I have a new ‘yellow dress’!  And when I say ‘yellow dress’, I don’t mean an actual yellow dress, and when I say ‘yellow dress’ I actually mean several.

For anyone who doesn’t know the yellow dress story, see here.  Essentially it was a random dress I wanted to fit into, so I took weekly photos of how it was fitting to keep me accountable.

I have a few items that I have tried on lately that I would love to fit, so I decided to try to help me keep going, I would do another “Operation Yellow Dress” project, however this time it will be “Operation Green Dress”, “Operation Leather Jacket” and “Operation Denim Jacket”.

The thing about Operation Yellow Dress (or OYD) is that it doesn’t have to be your absolute favourite clothing item, or your ultimate goal outfit.  It just has to be something, that you really want to wear or fit into, for whatever reason.  Hell, there doesn’t even have to be a reason! :)

Like my green dress….

Introducing ‘The Green Dress’:

 

Now this is a funny one I chose.  My gosh I have much nicer dresses than this one in my cupboard.  But this is one I found in an old keepsakes box a few weeks ago.  I wore it when I was 15.  It was from Supre, before Supre became cool.  It’s a baby doll dress, and to be honest, it’s not that pretty or flattering!  But I noticed that I had written on the tag of the dress, and it cracked me up: “The dress I wore at 15, lying on a couch with my boyfriend Michael.”  Can anyone say ‘LOL’?!  Now I have to say 2 things here: 1) I don’t usually document my clothing!  This was a one off item that I had kept as a keepsake (and obviously thought it was important that I record when I was wearing it!)  And 2) Nothing happened on that couch.  Trust me.  I remember the day, we were in a group of friends, and lying on the couch cuddling while watching a movie was the extent of this relationships boundaries.  We jumped up when his mum entered the room, and I remember feeling like a ‘daredevil’.  ‘Innocent’ would be more closer to the fact!  But that was it.  Besides, the fact that Facebook told me that Michael recently got engaged to his boyfriend, kinda helps prove that nothing was ever going to eventuate out of that relationship, ever. ;)

But I thought it would be fun to try the dress on.  And I could get it on!  But it was way too small.  The arms were cutting in and my boobs are bigger than when I was 15 and I had to tug for a while to pull the dress down.  When I eventually did, the babydoll seam was tight and my boobs were flattened and squashed from my neck to my belly button.  Not a nice look.  So I thought it’d be fun to keep tabs on when I can wear it again.  Oh, to fit into a 15 year old dress again!

Introducing ‘The Leather Jacket’:

 

This is a jacket I bought for $6 from a Melbourne op shop a few weeks ago at finale.  I fell in love with it – it fit me, but I couldn’t do it up.  If I really tried and risked popping a button, I could get one button done up.  So I promised on my Instagram that I would wear it with the buttons done all the way up, come Adelaide finale at the end of this round :)

Introducing ‘The Denim Jacket’:

This is a jacket I forgot that I had.  I found it in my cupboard on Saturday night, and tried it on.  It was a Size 12 and it was one of those tiny pieces of clothing I bought when it was on sale to ‘fit into one day’.  Obviously never worn!  I tried it….and I could get it on!  Size 12!  I can’t remember the last time I wore Size 12, it would have been at school.  Now in saying this, it didn’t ‘really’ fit.  As you can tell from the photo, the buttons didn’t even reach, let alone do up!  But I thought it still looked ok and it felt fine on, so I wore it out.  Did I mention, it was Size 12?  Haha.  So I thought it would be cool to monitor this one also, so I can wear it one day with the buttons done up.  Then I’ll know that I’m actually a Size 12.

Just a side note, yesterday I tried on this dress as a potential costume for my play.  It is Size 10.  And it went on!  It did not look attractive and showed every lump and bump and my friend

Size 10 baby!

had to help me zip it up, but check it out!  Size 12 one day, Size 10 the next!  Haha not at all.  I am officially Size 14-16.  But I love that the jacket and this dress actually went on regardless and I just had to share. ;)

So there you have it!

Operation Yellow Dress v2.

I’ll keep you up to date via the Operation Yellow Dress link at the top of the page.  It’s just a bit of fun and I can’t wait to upload a photo of each item fitting properly!

Choices and consequences: you have the power

So have you ever stuffed up?  Like, a little bit, or even a big bit?  In life, at anything.  I’m sure you have; we all have.  I guess my question is, what do you do about it?

a) Do you continue to sabotage all efforts, ramming yourself further into the ground?
b) Or do you try to fix your mistakes, sending yourself into a punishing challenge to go backwards and rectify stuff that happened in the past?  At the same time trying to forge ahead to be perfect ‘from now on’.  Which in turn creates so much stress that you often end up back at a)
c) Or do you recognise, acknowledge, accept, learn, and start afresh?

While c) is the obvious ideal answer, I rarely do that.  I often do a) a few times through, then step in and stress myself silly by trying to do b).  And I say ‘trying to do b)’ because really, it rarely works for me.  Depending on the magnitude of the stuff up, b) can be simply futile.  Yet I continue to attempt it.

Kind of like this transformation thing.  Some people say “I’m a new person” and people say this to me also: “Love the new Kate!”  They’re trying to be nice and I don’t judge them on this – a compliment is a compliment!  But it does make me think.  I think that yes, I am becoming more fit/smaller etc. and changing, but on the inside?  I am still me!  You don’t die and get born again when you lose weight or transform your life.  The person you are becoming is the same person who got you into whatever mess.  She doesn’t leave you!

You are just improving her. :)

I saw this quote on a work colleagues desk today and it struck a chord with me.  I think that so much of our (ok, I mean my) energy goes into analysing why something happened, and stressing out over the fact that it did.  Whereas time would be a lot more better used if we just

focussed all of our energies moving forward.  Imagine what we could get done if we just looked ahead.  Your past is your past, you can’t change your childhood, you can’t realistically make up the 15 training sessions you’ve missed over a few weeks, you can’t regurgitate the Top Deck chocolate you ate last Sunday.  You’ll still have shit times and will probably skip a session again and will undoubtedly one day eat more Top Deck chocolate.  But you have a choice today, to wallow in what has happened, or to get up, and forge ahead, trying to make things better from now on.

I’ve been struggling lately.  About 5 weeks ago, I stopped going to boot camp, and I haven’t been training properly since.  There’s a lot more to this of course, but that is the essential fact.  The longer this went on, the harder it was to get back to it.  That was probably the case for the first 3 weeks.  The last 2 weeks of it though, I have just been panicking about how much fitness I have lost.  Fitness can go very quickly!  My mindset has struggled to do anything because I don’t believe I’m fit enough anymore, and the ‘no can do’ attitude has been intensified by me being down on myself because of this. Option a) from above has been winning…

Over the last few days, I opened up to a few people, did some things that tested my confidence, and was fortunate enough to have some stars align.  This all gave me the confidence and path to get back to boot camp this morning.  Even still, I woke up at 4:30am and lay in bed, with my eyes closed, thinking.  I realised that it’s true what they say, about choices.

I was scared of going back today.  But as I lay there I said to myself that I had the choice of either going back to sleep and continuing on this ‘easier’ path of not turning up and allowing my fear of lost fitness to dictate me, or I could get my ass out of bed and down to the cold and dark soccer field to face everyone and improve myself, no matter how hard it might be at the start.

I felt like I was back at the start of my weight loss mission again.  Scared, unfit and overwhelmed.  That thought in itself is very unmotivating.  But I said to myself that I could choose to continue this way, or not.  The choice was mine.  Where would I prefer to be in 12 months time, or 6, or 3?  Yep I stuffed up recently and today would be hard, but wouldn’t this be better than in 3 months time, me wishing that I had I kicked my butt today?  Which choice was bringing me closer or further to where I wanted to be?  When does this cycle end?

Essentially I could choose the easy road, or be a big girl and face my current fitness level head on.  If I struggled to keep up then that would be a smaller price to pay than not trying at all.  If I’m at the back of the pack or have trouble breathing then that is just something I have to face – it’s the consequence of what I chose to do up till now.

I don’t know how I ever got so philosophical being half asleep.

Anyway, I got up, and I went.  And, like most things we conjure up, it wasn’t as bad as I had imagined.  I stopped running at one point.  In the moment it was because I needed to.  In reality, if I’m completely honest with myself, it was because my head told me that.  I was ok.  Yep, I need to regain my fitness, I have definitely lost some, but my trainer reckons that will happen very quickly and maybe I haven’t lost as much as I have been telling myself.

So from now on, I will try to focus my energies on where I want to be and live in the moment to help this, rather than dwelling on ‘stuff ups’ and sabotaging myself by allowing them to continue.

I get to choose what I do.  I just have to choose to do what is going to get me closer to where I want to be, no matter what.

You are what you are told

I had a bit of a light bulb moment this afternoon.  Sort of.  It was a light bulb moment without much resolution.

Some friends were talking about whether we feel attractive or not.  One friend said she had a

core belief from childhood that she was ugly and awkward.  Now, as an adult, she still absolutely believes it.  Another friend said she couldn't relate, as her mother always told her that she was beautiful.  We talked about how whether now, as independant adults, we feel 'pretty' and 'beautiful'.

It got me thinking, how do I feel?

I'm a self professed selfie addict.  An actress.  Never in my life have I shied away from a camera.  I've modelled, acted and entertained: on stage, on TV, film, catwalk, photographic.  I wear makeup every day, dress as best as I can with the clothes I have and the weight I am.  I do the whole girly hair and makeup thing for big events.  I smile, I appear confident, I obviously respect and care enough about my body to try to lose weight.

I must have a pretty healthy confidence about myself, hey?

Nup.

I am fat and ugly and I am a pig.

Why do I say this?  Because truly, on the inside, at my core, I believe this.

Don't feel all sorry for me and tell me I'm not.  This is just something I believe.  This is the light bulb moment I had this afternoon.  I've been called fat, ugly and a pig so often, and have told myself this as well, that it is now a firm belief.

Yeah, it is pretty sad, I know.

But what we chatted about today, is how do we change this?  When the belief is so ingrained in us?

I'm not 14 anymore so don't draw fat/ugly/pig picture of myself in my diary with arrows pointing out my fat/ugly/pig bits and angst-y entries scribbled across the page: "I am fat and ugly".  I don't dwell on it, in fact, I don't even think about it.  It's just a belief.  I go to work, I rehearse, I sleep, I eat, I socialise, I train, I'm fat, ugly, and a pig.  It's just there, underneath, just a part of me.  I don't tell myself this bad stuff anymore.  I just know it.  Because I was told it so often.

They say you are what you eat, well yeah maybe, but even moreso, you are what you are told.  And this doesn't have to be someone saying this stuff to you, we are more than capable ourselves of instilling beliefs.

A few years back, one of my friends started calling her little daughter "Piggy".  It was a term of endearment - she ate a lot and my friend thought it was cute.  But I was horrified and tried to suggest that she doesn't.  Because I don't think everyone realises just how much words can impact, for long after the fact.

Sticks and stones and all that.

My friend from this afternoon said something really smart, and I asked if I could quote her: 

"It made me realise that beauty is how you feel about yourself. If you think you are some way, that is how you will carry yourself in this world - regardless of how your actually look on the outside. You will shrink and the things that you don't like about yourself will get less attention. So by thinking your ugly you will actually make yourself ugly. You will not be kind to yourself or your body. You will choose clothing to cover up rather than accentuate your body."

Smart woman, my friend, hey.

It makes me wonder how much I have limited myself because of this belief I just happen to have.  I don't ever think about it, it's so ingrained that I just know it.

I don't have any answers here, and I don't know how to fix it.  But maybe my friend is right.  Maybe if we start to think differently, we will believe differently.  Well I know that is true, but maybe it would work for this.  Like the whole "If you believe you can or if you believe you can't, you are right" type of thing.  Like 'fake it till you make it.'  Like the new Dove commercial.  Like the experiment of the water jars, where the one labelled as 'ugly' goes brown, while the 'beautiful' one, stays gorgeous and clear.

It's food for thought, if anything.

And as much as I truly mean that it doesn't affect me, maybe it should be a bit of food for action for myself as well.

x

My friend Sandra took this pic of me after Sydney finale last year, about 25kg ago.  She was watching me and said to hold position while she took this photo, because she thought I looked beautiful.  I thought I looked ugly and so never shared this photo.  Who is right? :)  Yes, both of us are :)