But you don't understand, I'm actually too fat for the stairs?

This is a text I sent a friend this morning. Today was the day I had planned to walk the infamous Kangaroo Point stairs with a group of 12WBT friends.

What I stared at for 20min., not my phone

I wrote this fairly lengthy blog post about this morning and every thought and action and....I've just deleted it. Because I'm trying to increase the red in my life - I don't need to harp on about what happened this morning, just as much as you don't need to read it :) Nothing 'happened' as such. It was simple. Essentially I was looking forward to it. I was fine until I got there, and I panicked- I couldn't do this. I was actually too fat for the stairs. Don't start yelling at my for using the 'f' word, I'm being completely serious. I wasn't too wide to stand on the stairs, but I was too wide to stand 2 people deep. And that's what freaked me out. And that's why I couldn't do it. I stood frozen at the top of the stairs for 20min pretending I had received a very important email on my phone that required my undivided attention. I texted my friend who I was meeting, 'R', the text above. 

She turned up. She said I could actually do it. What I didn't tell her was that I was actually too fat for the stairs. She said I could do it, and come on, let's go. In my head: "yes but you don't realise, I'm actually too fat for the stairs?" My legs were actually feeling like they'd buckle. 

'Unfortunately' for me I don't lie, I don't like making a fuss, and I avoid confrontation. So.......... I walked with her. Ummm what the? How did this happen? I just told her I couldn't do it! I don't think she heard me ;)

I was still telling myself this, the whole way. Even when we had gone down the path towards the bottom of the stairs and were ready to tackle them on the way up, I still thought I might be able to get out of it. Because I didn't tell her this, but I was actually too fat for the stairs. 

And thanks to R I took that first step at the bottom of the stairs that I decided I was too fat for. And we walked to the top. And it was ok. And then we did it again. And then I had to go but we still did it one more time :)

And it was ok. And I could do it. I may have been too wide to stand 2 people deep but I can still walk those stairs. I still fit. 

Sometimes we forget we can do things. Simple things. Like climb stairs that we tell ourselves that we're too fat for. And we just need a little reminder. Yes, this is leading into my upcoming blog post. :)

Thanks R :) xx

Is it just a matter of standing tall?

I want to write about bullies. This has been on my mind all week for various reasons- it came up for me a lot this past week and it's been heavily in the media.

From the outset of this post, I'm going to say that I don't have the answers. I'd like to tie this post up with some sort of deep and meaningful insight into bullying and how to stop it, but I don’t know the answers.

I've been bullied, I think most people have. Varying degrees, varying ways, at varying ages.

But how do we define bullying? And why, as adults do we still 'allow' ourselves be bullied?

I had a flashback this week of when I was about 5 years old. Some older neighbourhood kids tied rope around my neck - two of them pulled the rope on either side of me, strangling me. I recall my mum rescuing me but I remember just standing there frozen, I don't remember standing up to them. And this was a regular thing. But was that bullying, or just kids being naughty? Does physical bullying have to have taunting / bad intentions behind it?

In primary school I was hit and chased and stomped on a lot. One incident I was thrown to the ground and my face was pushed into the ice and snow (I went to school overseas) so that I couldn't breathe. So while I was struggling to breathe, two bigger boys jumped on me, on my back, and kicked me.

Soon after that, I had an ongoing incident with a boy called Thomas. I was 9 or 10, he was 12. He was a very strong and big boy - full of muscle and STRENGTH.

He used to chase me and pin me up against the corridors at school, and try to punch my face. All I remember is trying to dodge his fist as he'd have me pinned against the wall. I'd try to run away, once I made it to the girls bathroom, I thought I'd be safe in there. I was locked in a cubicle, but he came in, and put his hand under each cubicle door, trying to find (and reach) me. I'd often run out of the school and run home to escape him.

Unfortunately, as much as my mum would be wild and tried to help, there was zero discipline in this school. You'd be lucky to be thrust a tissue from a teacher if you got a blood nose from being kicked. I was also shy, 9 years old, in a foreign country speaking a foreign language. I didn't have much power. So I had to put up with it.

Fast forward to my working life, and I've been bullied on several occasions from work colleagues. At least no punches have been thrown in the office (!) but the behaviour is just as, if not more, intimidating.

One man I worked with would talk down to me. He'd talk over me and embarrass me in meetings. He'd make me do menial tasks such as put a piece of paper down on the table FOR HIM. He'd question me constantly about my lifestyle. He'd ask me if I was exercising. He'd leave gym brochures on my desk. He told me that his family discussed my lifestyle at their dinner table! He looked me up and down and talked about my weight every time we spoke.

This was just part of what went on, but it broke me apart. I remember one day breaking down in tears and shaking uncontrollably in the lunch room because I *thought* he walked in. It wasn't even him, just the thought of him sent me into a spin. Wow. Again, for different reasons to when I was a kid, I was trapped. The situation I was in meant that I could not complain without putting my job at risk. Apart from him, I adored my job. So I put up and shut up. Again, my power was lost.

I've had other work bullies too but this one stands out to me. And it has come up a lot for me this week. Because, even though this situation is very much in my past, this week I found out that this man’s daughter is attending one of the events that I’m attending this week. I know it’s not him, it’s his daughter – two separate people there – but it’s still really bothering me. Maybe because with him, he had an issue with my lifestyle, and from what he told me, his opinions on me were such a family affair. >:

It’s kind of a case of when two world’s collide. This event and my whole transformation is amidst a world of support and is kind of like a sanctuary for me. So I’m finding it hard to have someone come in who is connected to someone who caused so many tears. And the fact that both the issues with him and this event are both to do with my lifestyle, it’s messing with my head :)

I’m sure it will be fine, and I have to keep remembering that it was him, not her. But in my mind I’m thinking what if he drives her in or picks her up? Which is likely to happen. It frustrates me that as an adult, I am letting myself be affected by this. Intimidation, harassment and bullying can affect anyone at any age. As an adult, I should be old enough to deal with it effectively shouldn’t I? Surely I should have all of the knowledge and self assurance by now to successfully manage such situations?

Because if we can’t as adults, what hope do our kids who are being bullied have?

Food for thought.

Do all the events

Hi guys! 

Growing some wings ;)

Just stopping in to say a quick hi. I have been off the radar this week I know- I've had a big, big week. I've been really wanting to share it with you and have been trying to find the right clarity behind it all but I'm still processing it so watch this space. :)

But I still wanted to drop by and say hi. I thought I'd let you know what I'm up to for the next few weeks, training wise. I have a lot planned. But I'm loving it. These training sessions or events are the current highlights of my week----so I'm not about to give them away. I'm stealing this (modified) picture that some friends used when we went to Perth. Because this is how I feel.  "Do all the events."

Ok we can't always do all of the events, but why not try them - if we're enjoying them and if we can manage them, and if they're making us happy, then why not? This is something I've been thinking of a lot lately. You gotta do what makes you happy!

Boot camp with a view!

I've completely changed lately, if anything just in regards to training. On Thursday I took an annual leave day- my first paid one in 8 years. It's not a common thing for me. And I spent it doing something that isn't common for me either. I got up mega early and made my way up the coast for boot camp. My old annual leave days wouldn't have involved surfacing from bed before 11am- now I'm getting out of bed in the dark and driving for an hour and a half to do a boot camp to kick start my day off? Weirdo :P

On Friday night my Mum rang me. The conversation went something like this:

Mum: "Hi darling, where are you?"
Me: "Maroochydore" (1.5 hours drive from me)
Mum: "What are you doing there?" (I'd only finished work a few hours earlier).
Me: "Yoga"
(Pause)
Mum: "What? You went to the coast to do yoga?"
Me: (pause) "Yep"
(Pause)
Mum: "Have you been drinking?"



Boot camp this morning


So she was joking about the drinking (I'm not really a drinker) but there was an element of truth in her question and it took a bit more to convince her that I did travel on a Friday night to do....exercise. Shock horror! :)

Anyway- back to my upcoming stuff.


Boot camp on Thursday


On Friday I'm going to join some 12WBTers to climb the Kangaroo Point stairs here in Brisbane. It's a bit of a big step for me, it's something I've always been too nervous to try before. I've always thought that the 'KP stairs' were for other people.....essentially fit people.

Then this weekend I'm doing my first triathlon!!!! I haven't thought much about it or talked about it. It's a goal I've had for a few years now and never got around to or bothered with or thought I was fit / good enough to do.  So I made it as my Week 8 mini milestone. Its a small triathlon, it's not exactly Ironman, but this will be a huge thing for me.


The morning of the tri, I'm going to climb a mountain. Haha! No wonder my mum thinks I'm under the influence ;) It's a fundraiser for an event I'm doing and I want to be a part of it.  We're climbing Mt Coot-tha- doing the Kokoda track again. I really wanted to do it but it was in the same day as my tri. But looking at the times, I can manage both. Kokoda is at 6am in Brisbane; it'll take about 1.5 hours to do that, then I'll hot tail it down to the Gold Coast for the triathlon. Crazy girl but I can't wait.

Recovery time at boot camp - why not be a plane?

The weekend after I'm doing another thing that scares me, Parkrun. Ahhh. For those who haven't heard of it, it's an organised (& from what I hear, very popular) 5km run each week. My fit runner friends do it and again, it's something that I've never even considered doing myself at this point. Besides, I've only run 5km that one time. And I've seriously been feeling like that was a fluke. But a friend said I should come along- apparently people walk it, there are all different levels, and above all, she thinks I'd be fine. So I have agreed to go along. I'm petrified but I'm going to do it. Apart from the obvious mindset hurdle, my other big thing to move past will be my breathing. The reason I've been feeling like my 5km run was a fluke was because ever since then, I've been having trouble breathing while running. And I can tell it's predominately anxiety based. Hmmm. Have to fix that somehow!


New addiction


So that is in the morning. That afternoon I'm taking part in Relay for Life, an 18 hour relay walking event. It runs from 3pm-9am and teams have to walk/run a track all night. We don't have to walk individually for the entire 18 hours, but at least one team member has to be on the track at all times. It's an event to raise money and awareness of Cancer. So Parkrun will be our warm up to the 18 hour walking event that afternoon!

Over the next couple of weeks I'm considering doing a couple of events - my friend is organising a 50km+ bush walk - I'd like to do it but logistically and endurance wise, I have to be smart about it. I'm looking at Warrior Dash also. Then I have my Week 12 major milestone, I decided on a new one seeing as I achieved my original one in Week 1! I'm going to run 5km with a mate, and aim to run it in under 45min. I chose this as my major milestone as it'll prove to me that my 5km wasn't a one off fluke and I want to now work on getting my time down (my Bridge to Brisbane time was 48:47).

Then we have finale in Sydney, so the big workout with Mish. The following weekend is a boot camp being run by the one and only Hoffy, who's coming up to Queensland to train us. The next day is another triathlon that I'd like to do- we'll see how I go. 

And in between, just my usual boot camps that I am now addicted to! This week is Week 8 so we have our fitness test and time trial. Eeek we'll see how I go.

Anyway that's all from me tonight, I just wanted to drop in to say hi and that I am still here. I will write more about my big week soon. Just give me a few more days to process it all :) Have an awesome week and go for gold every day.

Love Coco Girl xo

Join me on Facebook

Office supplies come in handy in the 'in between clothes' phase

Good morning :)

Just a quick update to say hi and to let you know that I have a new Facebook page. My old Coco Girl page has been quite neglected as I have it on a different account which I never access and therefore never update! So- I have set up a new page which I will update more often as it's joined to my usual Facebook page! There's nothing on there yet but there will be. It's linked to Twitter - which I now believe is linked to my newly discovered Instagram. And somehow this is linked to my YouTube channel. Look at this social media go! :) Some things are too small to do a blog post about but need more room than Twitter gives me. Just branching out to help me along. Links are below :)

Mini update: All is tracking ok in the weight loss track-o-sphere. Nutrition and training are ticking along nicely. I'm in Sydney for the day for my baby niece's Christening. I took a few photos to reflect how I'm keeping on track while I'm here for 24 hours and just some general photos. <3 Instagram. Yesterday I packed my shoes only, and then the rest of my stuff was thrown in my bag in 12 minutes :) #showswhaticareabouthey

I'll be on the run all day with family, as well as what I assume will be 'party food' at the Christening, late flight plane food tonight and no access to my own food. So I ducked into Woolies when I got into Sydney late last night an bought some fruit and yoghurt to keep me going through today. Not exactly my ideal meal plan but it's the best I can do and it's all about doing the best you can, right? :)

I slept in my training gear last night and got up early to go for what was planned to be a run on the beach during sunrise. It looked so magical in my imagination. In reality, there was no sun, it was raining, I had to wear my jacket on my head like a hajib to avoid frizzy hair for today, my HRM wasn't picking up my heart rate, my feet were sinking into the sand but I tried. It wasn't a SSS by any means but I'm proud I JF got out there. I did my push ups challenge #14today and it was actually just nice to have a bit of time to myself by the ocean before the world woke up.

Anyway my friends, have an awesome day, if you're doing SSS, go hard, if you're having a rest day, nurture yourself. But whatever you're doing, just be the best that YOU can be. That's all you need to do xx

Like me on Facebook: cocogirlbuttertransformation
Follow me on Twitter: cocogirlbutter
Watch me on Instagram: cocogirlbutter
Check me out on YouTube: cocogirlbutter

:)

Cinderella v2.0 :)

All you gotta do is have faith and believe in yourself.  And you can achieve ANYTHING :)

Here's my mindset lesson for Round 3:

Those magic changes... Bloggers Challenge #3

This week's Bloggers Challenge topic has got me thinking - it's a perfect topic for me at the moment - it completely resonated, thanks 77Noni (check out Noni's blog: http://fitandhappynotfatandhippy.com/

So this week the questions surround what changes we have made, and success. I've been thinking about this a lot today.  I don't know what helped me today but I had a good day.  Shock horror that I could actually have a good day!  It's not like that :)  It's just that this past couple of weeks have been particularly awful and today was set to be a shocker day at work (my workload officially tripled today) so to be honest I wasn't expecting much from life today.

I don't know if it was one of my brothers cooking me breakfast yesterday 'just because', or the pink butterfly stuffed toy that a friend randomly bought me (she knows nothing about this blog or my pink butterfly symbol!) :) or the online chat I had to a friend over the weekend, or the fact my boss was away today, or the motivational lecture I watched at lunch on YouTube or something that clicked when I read 2 friends blog posts today or my clean eating and training or something else or a mixture of these things, but the world seemed a little lighter and I'm seeing things a little more clearer today. 

This quote in the Bloggers Challenge is exactly what I was feeling all day:

"Some people dream of success... while others wake up and work hard at it."
(Author unknown)

Just like the quote I used at the start of this post.  That's how this journey started for me - I haven't had one defining and earth shattering moment that spun me into a weight loss marathon.  It was a build up of years of little moments (as quite accurately described in this post: Written by a fat girls heart).

But what I did do was that I decided to change.  Just like that.  What I guess I'm realising is that I have to feel this again to propel me forward.  The journey itself is long (and exciting - it sounds dumb but I'm having fun with it!) but it is long and it can be easy to forget how we started.  And there are points in the journey (as in life) where things do go wrong.  Things do fall apart.  I never professed to myself to be perfect.  As much as I expect of myself, I'm still learning.  I don't have all of the answers yet.  But what I have done is a lot of things:  I have been changing my mind and my body to extremes that I didn't even dare dream of just a few months ago.  Ok, life has been weighing me down in a huge way.  And I still cry over my back's 'love handles' in photos and make the wrong decisions sometimes.  But I have to remember HOW I started this journey.  I didn't want to 'feel like that anymore, or ever again', so I changed.

I know what I have to do.  Some days it will be hard.  What happened to my 'roll with the punches' mantra for this year?  It seems I've forgotten that lately. :)  I never promised myself an easy ride (who can?) but I did promise myself that I would change.  I know what to do.  I just have to do it.

Just like that.

I lost 20kg then cried at fat photos: the ups and downs of Week 5

Hey guys :)

Wow, what a week.  It's been a big one in Coco-land.  Or, thanks to my last post, should I say Kate-land ;)  Firstly I'd just like to say a huge thank you to everyone who read or gave me so many encouraging comments after my last post, Undressing myself...  The feedback I got was completely unexpected and so very encouraging.  I truly thought that I'd be lucky if I found just a couple of people who could appreciate where I was coming from.  Instead, I was overwhelmed with many, many people's reactions to this, talks of tears and mentions of "me too". 

It's funny when we think that we're alone with something, and we finally get the courage to tell someone (or in my case, the 'world'!) and we find out we're not the only ones.  Thank you to everyone who made the time to read this post, and write to me.  Please trust how truly thankful I am (and overwhelmed) by people's reactions to it.  Please let me know if you too have, or get the courage to share a bit more of yourselves as I would love to celebrate this huge step with you too. :)

It's been a big week for me.  In a nutshell, I've had massive highs (I finally lost 20kg!) and struggle street lows (battling with self confidence) and everything in between.  It started with climbing the mountain / hill: Purple vs blue shirts and the yellow pole, ended with clanking coconuts in a hula luau themed boot camp by the ocean and in the middle there I unleashed my photo to the world wide web and have had to reassess some goals.

I LOST 20kg!  One thing at a time though - yes, I finally lost 20kg!  Oh.my.gosh.  I took my time with it!  It was an awesome milestone to finally hit.  I started at the end of May at 141kg and on Wednesday's weigh in, I hit 119.6kg.  So that took me from starting in the '140's' to being in the 'teens' - that was a huge milestone in itself.  Yes, I was barely in the 140's and am barely in the teens, BUT from a mindset point of view, that is big. :)  And so that also meant I surpassed the 20kg loss barrier!!  It's been a battle to get there and I took my time but I did it!  That also means I am now a quarter of the way to my goal weight.  Only 61.6kg to go!  It's a long road :)  Every 10kg marker will be a big milestone - next one on the horizon is the 30kg lost mark!

Umm, what am I doing?  One thing I have been struggling with since then is slipping into old habits as soon as I reach a milestone.  I did this at the end of my first round, after final weigh in.  I started eating--- let's just say "unclean"...for a few days after.  I did the very same thing this week!  As soon as I hit 20kg lost, out came the bad food.  This has really gotten to me - but looking at it rationally, I am kind of glad that I can see this pattern emerging.  It's a shit pattern and I wish I wasn't doing it (!), however I am glad I can recognise that this is something I need to fix, STAT.  It's like I get to a goal and then my mind thinks "cool, done that, now I can relax!"  Hmmm, ummm, no.  I have to fix this soon because I don't want to keep repeating this, especially when I get to goal - what, am I going to lose 83kg and then put it all back on again?  No way.  This is something I am going to try and get my head around now.  At least I recognise it now.  I am not expecting a big loss this week - to be honest, I will be lucky to get a loss at all.  I am working on it but there were quite a few stuff ups.  Whatever the number is on Wednesday though, I will own it and keep going.  

The girl in the photos.  One thing that I have really, really struggled with this week is my confidence.  I've gone from climbing a mountain, losing 20kg and revealing who I am, to crying in shock and horror at current photos of myself.  This week there just happens to have been a lot of photos of myself appear - I've been to quite a few events over the past week or two and all of the photos have suddenly come out.  I have been truly horrified at how I look.  I'm talking swearing to myself with a shocked face and tears.  I guess what has horrified myself the most, is that these are current photos.  Photos taken even just yesterday.  I had no idea how I looked at the moment.  I've been beside myself thinking if I look like this now, what the hell did I look like 20kg ago??  In my mind, the photos from this week are how I thought I looked back before May.  Over the past 17 weeks of 12WBT my mind has been slowly getting stronger and I guess my self confidence has been slowly increasing.  So to have this reaction just shattered me.  It's one thing for me to cry over old photos, but this is how I look NOW!  I look awful.  I've been working hard at this, I thought I would increasingly like photos of myself as time goes on and the kg's go down.  Nope :(  But I can't do anything - I just have to suck it up, maybe not look at the photos and just keep going.

Self talk.  Maybe because of this, my confidence has just gone splatter all over the ground over the last few days.  Yesterday I went to a boot camp by the ocean with some other amazing 12WBT'ers.  The theme was 'Rock-a-hula-luau' and we all dressed up in lai's, hula skirts and coconut bras :)  It made for an interesting work-out!  Coco Girl in the coconut bra ;)  We looked cool and it was a bit of fun. :)  But oh my, my self talk was awful.  We did sprints up a hill.  These boot camps I go to are not competitive - there are no races and our trainer is very supportive of everyone doing it at their own pace.  I think that's one reason why I love going so much.  The only person I race against is myself, and I always feel like I keep up because of this.  But yesterday, I was a shatter-confidence-girl. :(

That's me in the pink hula skirt :)

We were sprinting up the hill and I was pretty much last.  Again -- this wasn't a race against each other -- this was all in my head.  But all I could see was everyone else in front of me sprinting forward, and then me in my obesity (and coconut bra!) struggling up the rear.  There were actually 3 girls around my pace, but I didn't notice them.  Funnily enough, a photo was taken of me at the back of the pack so I've included it here so you can sort of see what I saw.  Self talk is so damn strong.  The things I told myself were awful.  The stupid thing is, I am not usually like that.  I don't compare myself to others on this journey very much.  To an extent, it's natural to do so, but I am pretty good with this and just compare me, to me.  But yesterday I reverted to this "I'm not good enough" type kid.  I then remembered the 3 girls who ran at a similar pace and I didn't feel so bad.  Until I heard that all 3 of them were sporting an injury / going slow to prevent an illness.  That spiralled me down and I was out of sorts for the rest of the day.  Dumb, hey. :(  The issue wasn't even that I was last, it was just that I was being negative.  I will say it again that this whole mindset issue was all coming from my own self talk.  The boot camp itself is the most supportive environment!  Can't say as much for my own self talk though! :)

Resetting goals.   I've had to do a bit of resetting of my goals.  Last week I finally went through my general 2012 goals, to get them all up to date and re-focus.  One of those goals was to donate blood.  This is a big one for me - all my life I've had a phobia of needles so donating blood was always out of the question.  Until this year of course, where needles for me have become just about as habitual as eating.  (Almost off the rollercoaster!)  I decided that I finally want to donate blood.  I wanted to help anyway, and when I heard how many people had to donate to keep a couple of friends of mine alive, it was a no brainer - so on my list it went.  But then the blood clots happened, and because of the medication I was on, I wasn't allowed to donate.  Until I came off it, which I have now done!  I made sure I would be allowed to donate.  I took the "can I donate blood?" quiz online - tick.  I went to my GP and got a letter saying that I was clear of clots and it was safe for me to donate - tick.  I scrutinised every question and answer on the FAQ's section of the Red Cross website - tick.  I made an appointment and geared myself up - tick.  I went along on Saturday and was excited that I could finally donate.  And they turned me away :(  Because of the stupid clots.  Apparently I not only have to be off the medication, I have to wait for 1 whole year from when I recover, before I can donate - my blood is fine, it's just for my own safety.  I was so disappointed, I could barely wait till I left the blood bank before I burst into tears.  I had geared myself up so much to do this, realistically, over years - when I finally decided to I still had to wait for 7 months, so to then go in and be told to go away for another year?  I know it isn't a big deal, but I was really disappointed and it just brought up the whole emotional clot saga for me again.

An update on the yellow dress: not much different (yet)

Anyway, since then I have been playing around with my goals, my 2012 goals and my weight goals and trying to be a bit more realistic.  I've moved the donate blood one to 2013 and in a way it's been good because it's allowed my mind to be a bit more open and realistic with other goals.  What do they say the 'R' in 'SMART' goals stands for?  Realistic.  Well sometimes mine aren't.  I get very passionate and determined and go out all guns ablazing - I have to take a step back sometimes and be a bit more sensible and accepting. :)  My next step is to make a little inspiration board to look at when I'm in my home 'gym'.  I need to focus now - we have 7 weeks left of the round of 12WBT and I want to meet my goals.  I won't meet my goals with negative self talk or eating crap, nor by expecting myself to build Rome in a day.  At least give myself 2 days ;)

We'll see how I go with Week 6.  Tomorrow morning I'm starting to train with a fellow 12WBT'er who lives very close to me.  I'm stepping up my training from now on and I'm going to try and surround myself with positivity - people and things.  I'll let you know how I go on weigh-in-Wednesday...I will own whatever the number is, I promise.  It's set to be an even tougher week at work so I have to be strong.  And as for the photos, as one wise and awesome friend said to me last night when I opened up about my fat photos: "Today is the WORST you will ever look again, each day you get better and closer to being who you want."  I am working on it.  And that's all I have to remember, and that is all I have to keep doing. :)