Touching base in May

Hello :)

Since my previous post, I've had a bit of an up and down month. Up and down in weight loss pursuits anyway.  To be honest, it's mostly been down in all other aspects.  But speaking weight loss, it's been a little more positive.

parkrun collage from yesterday

This is just a super quick post with just one photo because I want to go to bed but am keen to do a quick update.  I have heaps of photos to share in my next few posts.

So since 2nd May, my weeks have gone like this:

Week 1: -1.3kg
Week 2: -1.2kg
Week 3: -1.1kg
Week 4: +1.3kg
OVERALL: -2.3kg

So, it's gone okay.  Not exactly outlandish, thrilling weight loss, but it's still loss overall.  My eating has been mostly good, apart from this past week, where I've gone a bit haywire.  I haven't done my usual complete ALL or NOTHING thing, but it still hasn't been very strict.  I'm pretty sure I will put on weight this coming Wednesday, too.  The positive is that I've been making healthy choices in between - something I usually don't do.

I have been terrible at turning up to boot camp, or going for walks.  I think I've done about one of each all month.  I did however manage 2 parkrun's, yesterday and last week.  So exercise can definitely be improved.

I just did a check in of my 2016 goals, to see how I was tracking.  I started the year with 58 personal goals to achieve.  5 months down, and I have:
 
Achieved: 4
Been actively working on / on track: 20
Haven't started / need to work more on: 30
Moved / changed / deleted: 4
Added: 1
SUMMARY: 4 goals down, 50 to go

This post is a little random for me, just throwing some stats out there with not much storytelling, but I will expand in the coming week.  I have bits and pieces to update and quite a bit to chat about so I will be back soon - for now I just wanted to touch base. :)

Love Kate xo

Tracking goals in ugg boots tonight

Dog with a bone

So, it's Day 1...again.

I've been way off track for however many weeks, so I'm giving it another whirl.  I signed up for 12WBT May round, and I think this'll be my last round, at least for a while.  I've lived my

life in 12 week blocks for almost 4 years now!  You know when it's time to fly from the nest.  In the meantime though, I intend to put my ALL into this round.  So far, so good, although it has only been 7 hours (that I've been awake).

I went shopping on Saturday and stocked up on my basics to make my favourite meals for the first few days.  I put them in one section of the trolley, and all the junk I wanted to inhale before Monday came around, in the other section of the trolley.

I haven't meal prepped yet, but I'll do that later today (it's a public holiday in Queensland today!  Woo!)

I'm starting off slow with the exercise, as I'm so out of condition.  I don't need to smash myself from Day 1.  Far from it.  Instead I'm going to go for a walk each day.  Literally, just around the block, and slowly increase from there.  I haven't set time limits or distance goals or calorie targets, instead I just need to make sure I move.  I feel like Karen Gatt, the author of The Clothesline Diet (if you haven't read it, you should - I read it years ago and it's so inspirational).  She started off walking around her clothesline, as that's all she could manage, and she slowly increased it as she lost weight and gained fitness.

First healthy shop in a while

I'm heading back to boot camp tomorrow, too.  Since the end of January, I've only been going once a week or fortnight.  I do a very low impact version to everyone else, and adapting everything to suit my body, fitness and injuries.  Boot camp is Monday, Wednesday and Fridays (it's different this week because of the public holiday), so the plan is to walk on the alternate days, and get back to parkrun, too.  I need to put some effort into my goal of 50 parkruns this year, as it's already May!  My "meeting friends for Saturday morning breakfast so I'm inclined to go to parkrun beforehand" plan failed miserably.  I think I attempted this 12 weeks in a row.  I may not have done parkrun since January, but I have enjoyed catching up with a dozen friends and sleeping in!

Mindset lessons

I'm switching things up in the "extras" department, too.  This is really unlike me, but I'm going to pull down my pink sticker chart and not use my $ rewards jar.  I packed away my marbles jars recently, too.  I still wholeheartedly recommend these things, but only if they help.  They helped me so much over the last couple of years, but they're no longer serving me.  I don't get motivated by them anymore, and they actually feel like a chore, so it's time to put them away now.

I've had a really horrible couple of weeks.  Health / medical stuff wise it's just been one thing after another, and I'm truly over it.  This week alone, I had 7 medical appointments in 4 days.  Some other stuff has also been really hard to handle.  I've really struggled.

On a slightly related, brighter note, though, I did have a moment this week, in which was a big growth step forward.  I feel so childish to say it like this, but I really felt myself maturing with this thing.  

Side note: Am I the only one who sometimes actually recognises the exact moment when they mature in some ways?  Obviously we're continually maturing, and as an adult I should probably feel like I've reached some elitest level of growth, but I think we all know that it doesn't work that way.  But sometimes, with certain lessons, I recognise myself growing in the actual moment it happens.  Maybe I'm the only one... :)

Breakfast this morning

Anyway this life lesson was about me being like a dog with a bone.  I've always been that way.  I hold onto things and will not let them go.  As a teenager with my mum, this trait wasn't highly successful.  But as for my goals and dreams, it's been a pretty handy thing.  I will go after them and never give up, no matter what.  It makes sense how I'm today standing up for the 400'000th time, with a sense of ease.

But I realised this week that some things I have to let go of.  Not that I have to - but perhaps for my own worth, dignity and wellbeing, it's the better choice for me to make.  Sometimes. :)

Anyway that is a little off track!  But it's all to do with wellbeing.

I'll check in after Wednesday's weigh in.  I'll only have 2 days under my belt for weigh in this week, but I think it'll still be quite positive, as my body will be reeling from 2 days of no crap food.

Good luck to everyone starting up May round today, or restarting because it's a Monday, because you like the date or the name of the month; or because you're also like a dog with a bone, and you'll never give up.

xo

Gold Coast Bulletin recap

I've taken my sweet time to recap my first event of the year, the Gold Coast Bulletin Run, a

couple of Sundays ago!  Better late than never though.  I just never imagined I'd be recapping an event where I was so nervous even just to walk it all.
I got down the coast early with my amazing friends Court and Mel who stuck by my side all morning.  Literally.  Mel drove us, and when we arrived, Courtney put my shoes on!  Could I have been more looked after?  

I'm not a princess when it comes to shoes, don't worry.  My back was really bad last week, probably the longest stretch of pain I've had.  Usually it lasts for 2-3 days, this time it was 6-7.  I had to work from home two days (so I could lie down) and I had a lot of trouble walking and dressing myself.  A new clay heat pack (I get sick when I use wheat bags and found this one) and Physio made me so much better.  

But this was only Day 2 and I was struggling putting my shoes on so Courtney took over.  All I could think of (apart from being so grateful) was this was not a good start!  Eeek! 

This was the first time I'd done this event.  Because of this and it being at the Gold Coast (an hour from home), I didn't think there'd be many people I knew doing it, if any, and thanks to this I wasn't too socially anxious.  

When we turned up though, I did get a bit anxious.  Other than parkruns, this was the first big event I'd done since the Gold Coast Marathon (5.7km) in July last year.  Something that used to be second nature was suddenly a bit overwhelming.

It'd been so long since an event that I forgot little things, like my HRM.  I remembered as I left the house so ran back to get it.  I put the strap on but then ended up forgetting my Polar and left it in the car, so couldn't use it anyway.

Arriving

I was feeling so uncomfortable and was wearing my "black uniform" that is my staple when I'm heavily overweight.  Black top + black pants = staple outfit.  I was even wearing black underwear and crop.  I didn't wear tights like I usually do as they're getting a bit tight and show...everything.  Instead I wore baggy pants that are kind of like non-fleesy track pants that I wear around the house and to bed.  I didn't realise until I got home, that I had a little hole on the upper leg seam.  Temporarily gone are the days of wearing my cute, bright active wear.

I even forgot to put sunscreen on (I left it in the car), and forgot to wear a hat.  Fortunately they had communal sunscreen at the registration desk so I slathered it on, and we got free visors for participating, which I didn't realise.  So I had my bright orange visor, baggy black holey clothes and my bright pink, very bad, old and tight Big W shoes.

After picking up our race packs, we had about an hour to wait, and watched people finishing.  It was held in a huge sports stadium, and we got to finish by running into the stadium.  I love that!  

As it got closer to line up, we went and watched the 10km'ers coming through, just before entering the stadium.  Like I'd done with my friends running photos the week before, I just stared at them in utter amazement, at how they could do this.  How could they run like that?  I was in awe.  It was utterly ridiculous that someone who's run over 80 events including 7 half marathons could now not imagine doing that myself.  I truly couldn't though.

I watched in total envy at runners walking around in their medals, because they'd already finished.  It's not that I didn't want to do the event, but I usually feel like that at starting lines.  In saying that, I genuinely wouldn't have gotten out of bed that morning if I wasn't meeting friends.

Both girls had offered to do the event at my pace, and were happy to walk the whole thing.  They didn't say anything but each stood on both sides of me, which was completely comforting.

I jogged for the first 20m or so, just to see how it felt.  I was able to, and that's all I needed for myself.  I changed to walking straight away though, because I didn't want to worsen my back, and I didn't 'have' to run.  All I needed to do was walk.  5km.  And get through that finish line.

Almost immediately after going through the finish line, it all came back to me.  I absolutely could picture myself as a runner.  Literally 10min. earlier, I couldn't even imagine it.  The concept was forgotten.  But actually going through a start line and participating, now I could remember.  Pretty silly, huh.  I can't believe I couldn't imagine myself until that moment.  I have been so out of condition.  There's no

way I would go out and attempt a 30km, or half, or even 10km today, but I knew now that I could work back up to it.  For now though, I had to just walk 5km in blistering heat, in my unflattering, holey black clothes and tight shoes.
It was SO hot.  Autumn on the Gold Coast.  Humidity was up, and I envied the girls running in their crop tops, while I huffed along in my hot, black T-shirt.

In the start chute

I wasn't too anxious, as I was in the middle of Court and Mel, and there were apparently a few people behind us.  If you're a long term reader, you'll know that thanks to several times when this actually happened, it's an ongoing entrenched fear of mine, of having a course packed up while I'm still participating.

The sun was glaring down and the roads were open, closed to traffic, and sparse of other runners.  (As they were all up ahead).  We came to a roundabout where there was a line up of cars that were stopped due to the road closures.  Like most events, one car beeped in ire.  Drivers hate events, and I walked past the line up, feeling mildly amused at the impatient beeper, but mainly feeling embarrassed that I was walking. As my pace was further delaying this particular traffic jam from being able to be directed through the roundabout while there was a break.

Immediately beyond the roundabout, I spotted a hill.  It was small, but it was still a hill.  I hadn't studied the course map or terrain before this event, so everything was a surprise.  I
may have sworn when I first saw it, but decided to just trudge at an even pace, and try to look down, pretending we were just on flat ground.
It hadn't seemed too big, but halfway up we sort of turned a slight corner, and suddenly it had doubled in length, and seemingly tripled in gradient.

Sunny, empty roads

I panicked about my breathing, as when I'm out of breath, it can trigger me to hyperventilate, or have a panic attack.

Mel touched my back for a moment and we just kept going.  I tried to ignore the crop topped runners coming back down the other side, meaning they had already turned around at the halfway point, and I tried to let it go that once upon a time, I would have ran up this hill.

The girls reminded me that going back down will be 10x easier - and somehow I reached the top with my breathing under control despite my heart rate being tin the 170's (I used a phone app to check it as I didn't have my HRM - and besides, I could feel it).

The start of the hill

We came across a water station which I relished, as I hadn't drunk much water before the event.  (Another thing that being out of practice, I forgot to do).

We made it to the turnaround point, which was a beacon of shining light.  It always feels better when you're running / walking towards a finish line, rather than away from one!

The top of the gigantic hill was a lot more fun in this direction, and we could see the stadium off in the distance.

As we approached the stadium, I could feel the end was in sight.  I just wanted it finished.  I was so glad I'd done it, but it was just so hot, and I wanted to sit down with food and water, with a medal around my neck, feeling satisfied.  I kept visualising myself in the aircon of Mel's car, driving back to
Brisbane, feeling happy that I'd completed it.
We asked each other if we wanted to run the last 150m into the stadium.  I always feel a bit guilty running at the end, if I've walked an event :)  but I was definitely keen.  The slow jogging at the start of the event had given me confidence, and I said to the girls that I was good to go, if we could do the pace that I'd done at the start.

Emerald City

We started jogging, and turned the corner, into the stadium.  There was a scattering of people in the stands, a big TV screen (that we were apparently on!), and a running chute leading up to the glorious finish banner.

I was still in the middle, and we grinned at the cheers, and we ran.

Adrenalin and the atmosphere really kicked in though, and in the moment, we ended up running a fair bit faster than I was expecting, or that I've done in a while.  I was trying to
smile as the small crowd were cheering and the MC spoke on the microphone, but I started to struggle.

Sport lyfe ;)

I literally had possibly 50m to go, and the only way I can describe it, is I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.  My heart was beating out of my chest, and I remember thinking if I wasn't with the girls, and if I wasn't now just 30m from the finish line with heaps of people watching, I would have had to stop.  It was horrible.  We weren't really going that fast, but my fitness was shot, and I was struggling to cope at this pace.

I somehow got through the finish line, and tried to concentrate on my breathing, and on self talk to calm down.  I leaned

forward so someone could put a medal around my neck, I kept breathing, and I was ok.
I did it. :)

We sat down in the stands as they were about to draw the random prize winners, out of the 150 people or so who hung around.

And, after about 10 winners, "1645" was called out!  My bib number!  I won a prize!  I walked down to the field to collect it and be photographed.  I didn't hear what I'd won, but the girls filled me in afterwards.  Apparently the MC had read out that this prize was a $100 Brooks voucher.  But when I got down there, he said "actually, I think we'll give you this one instead."  As I got handed a $200 Brooks voucher!  I don't know if he took one look at my tight Big W shoes or the hole in my pants, or both, and decided this girl needs a new running wardrobe, but either way I was very thankful!

My running shoe situation has been a bit dire since my beloved black "ON's" fell apart.  I

have $ sitting in my account to replace them, but I've been having trouble finding the size and colour I want, as the exact ones I had have been discontinued.  Because I haven't been doing much running (or any exercise for that matter), I haven't missed them too much, but I definitely want the exact pair I had, and will keep on looking (if anyone is a fan of ON shoes and knows of any secret stockists, please let me know).  So to be fortunate enough to get this Brooks voucher is just doubly amazing, as I need to have a second pair for other exercise that I do, to be able to keep my ON's for running.  I've been making do with wearing out each tight or holey Big W pair that I have, and I need to stop it, as runners shoes are like the tyres of cars, and pretty important!  I can't wait to get them.  (TNS x)
I was so proud of myself afterwards.  It was one of my toughest events, both mentally and physically, but I got through (and got there - like physically made it to the event itself!), and was able to recall how it feels to be a runner.  And that was my favourite takeaway from the

event; being able to imagine it again.
Apart from body memory, fitness / running wise I am essentially starting from scratch.  That 150m sprint in the stadium mirrored my very first 200m running attempt 4 years ago.  It sux, but I've sort of come to accept it over the last few weeks, and let the past go.  I am where I am right now.  And at least I have solid, valid personal proof that I can be a crazy fitness / running freak.  So working towards more peak fitness won't be new to me, but it will still require the same dedication, persistence, and time.

And one day soon, I'll be able to say to myself, that I didn't think I could walk 5km, either.

Thanks so much Courts and Mel for your friendship and support xo

Almost there

Left, thank goodness

My name on the wall ;)

 

You didn't think you could run 30km either

If you had asked the Kate of 2013 if she would ever have imagined that she'd be so anxious about a fun run she'd entered, she would think you were crazy.

There was a time just a couple of years previous to that, that I didn't ever imagine I'd consider entering a fun run, full stop!  But since then, of course, things changed, and weekends where I didn't have an event on, were rare.

Yet here I find myself, the night before my first event of this year, just that: anxious and apprehensive.

The fact that it's mid-April and this is my first event (other than parkruns) is strange in itself.

Like previous years, towards the end of 2015, I sat down with a beloved blank Excel spreadsheet and the Australian Running Calendar, and wrote down the dates of all of my chosen events to plan towards for 2016.  I wrote down the early bird entry fee cut off dates for each one, wrote down which distances I planned to do, then budget consciously went through the list again, colour coding each event by ones I definitely wanted to do, those that I wasn't 100% on, or probably couldn't do, and those that I couldn't do.  I then put them all in my calendar, and put the early bird entry fee cut off dates in my To Do list on my phone, that would send me reminders a week out.  #rungeek

I'm often pretty slack with entering events, and sign up the week before, which usually costs $10-$20 more.  I desired to be one of those runners who was money savvy and signed up before early bird prices ended.  With so much pre-planning and organising, I had no excuses, and I signed up for the first event for the year, the Resolution Run in January before the early bird cut off date. *thumbsupemoticon*

That was in October.

As the date loomed closer, apprehension started kicking in.  A small part of it was just due to my decreasing running and general fitness.  Thanks to my knee injury in February 2015, I hadn't done much running at all that year.  I also didn't exercise as much generally, and slowly but absolutely surely, my fitness decreased.  I was worried about making the cut off time, and battling whether to downgrade my distance and working out if I should run/walk/run.

But much, much moreso worrying me about fronting up to the Resolution Run, was social anxiety.  Because, you see, in the past, when I had been at my biggest, I would have huge social anxiety about being out in public.  I've talked on here before about how I'd avoid trains

Mish with a non socially anxious Kate

and crossing by foot at traffic lights, in front of stopped cars.  I sat on a couch with Mish Bridges in early 2014 and told her and an audience about how I'd hide behind poles in nightclubs when I was young: directly because of my weight.  I was at my most recent lightest at the time of this chat, and we spoke about how amazing it was then to feel comfortable enough to catch trains again, to do anything, because I felt confident.

And yet here I was again, getting more and more socially anxious, as the year got on.  

Now this is being 200% raw and honest here...but there was an exact moment where I knew it had gone too far.

It was the 2nd January this year, and I was in a busy area (West End in Brisbane), having coffee with a friend, Tracey.  We'd planned to go to a quiet cafe where tables are sort of hidden away, but it was closed because of the New Year holidays.

We ventured across the street and tried to choose another cafe.  We walked up and down a small section of the street, trying to choose, and the more time we spent, the more anxious I was getting.  I wasn't in a great head space that morning; I'd lost my wallet including all of my cards and $500 including Christmas present money, the night before, and I was a bit rattled and upset about it.  I wasn't wearing clothes I felt confident in, because I'd been out looking for my wallet that morning, and wasn't really thinking about my coffee date. So I already wasn't feeling crash hot.  Because we'd been planning to go to the quiet cafe (The Three Monkeys, for anyone in Brisbane who knows it) :)  I was expecting to just to slide in, to a quiet table out the back and catch up with Tracey.  I wasn't expecting to be walking up and down in front of a few cafes, with dozens of gorgeous young couples sitting outside, seemingly staring at me.

We chose another cafe, which happened to be very loud, and very, very packed.  As we walked in, I was following Tracey, and I found myself putting my hands up, to cover my eyes, like a freaking Kardashian or something.

Wow.  I wasn't hiding because the paparazzi would see me because I'm famous, I was hiding because strangers having all day breakfast would see me because I'm fat.

I shocked myself so much that day.  I never thought it'd get so bad that I'd feel the need to physically shield my face...

Anyway, this is sort of where I was at, the week before the Resolution Run (it was on the 10th January).

As it got closer to the 10th January, I considered pulling out.  There was no way I wanted to: I'd paid for it and it's one of my favourite events.  Of all the events I was considering bailing on, it was the one I'd actually been good enough to pay for so far in advance.  If only I was my usual slack self, I very well may not have registered yet.

I went to pick up my race pack the day before, thinking at least that way I still had both options open.  I downgraded from the 11km to the 5.5km while I was there, thinking that might help.

I deliberated all day and my stomach was just completely in knots.  I was so anxious.  I tried to picture myself at the event.  The running community is so small, and I knew I'd see so many friends and people I know.  I was worried how much my worsening fitness and lack of recent running would affect my speed, and getting up at the crack of dawn and standing in a large crowd with clothes that I was bursting out of was just not encouraging thoughts.

In the end, I decided not to go.  I reasoned that no event was worth that much anxiety, whether I'd paid for it or not.  It was the first year I'd missed it, since my first one in 2013, and I was disappointed, but a lot more comfortable and calm on the day thanks to my decision.

After that, I decided to think very carefully about paying early bird fees, wanting to make absolute sure that I'd want to do upcoming events.

I skipped a few other events I love doing: two Fun Run Pinks, International Womens Day Fun Run, Mooloolaba Twilight Run, and the Twilight Running Festival.  The last couple of months I've hidden away more than usual.  I haven't shielded my face since that week - don't worry - but still, I haven't been my usual self when it comes to events.  The more weight I put on, the less I want to get out and exercise.  

I've noticed myself getting more and more out of breath, and my fatigue issues I spoke about in my previous post have caused me to skip so many boot camps.  I usually go 3 times a week: this year I've been going once a week or once a fortnight.  I haven't done parkrun since late January because of this, too.  It's the least exercise I've done since 2012.

I feel (and am) huge and cumbersome, and the flexibility and fitness I had worked so hard for, is a memory.  I don't want people to see me at this weight, and the few (all black) clothes that still fit, are not at all flattering.  

I went to see The Sound of Music with my Dad on Thursday night, at the Queensland Performing Arts Complex (QPAC, a large state theatre).  We were seated on the top balcony, and had to walk up a few flights of stairs to get to our door.  It truly wasn't many stairs at all, but I was so out of breath, that I was just about to make an excuse and tell Dad that I needed to catch the lift the rest of the way, when I realised we'd reached the top.  We were pretty early, and there was hardly anyone inside yet, so it was really quiet.  I tried to turn my body away from my Dad, so that he couldn't hear how heavy I was panting, as we sat down.  I was ridiculously breathless.

I saw some photos of a friend running at an event last week, and I shocked myself when my first thought when seeing the photos, was "wow.  I can't ever imagining doing something like that."  (Running in an event).

For someone who's done 83 events (I just checked my nerdy running spreadsheet), that's a bit of a shock to think that way.  And it's not me being negative: I can just truly not imagine myself being at a point where I could run a distance, like I saw my friend do.

Of course I intend to try anyway, and turn this all back around, but if you're in a similar boat to me, you'll understand, it feels like a humongous feat.

Enter my friend, Courtney.  I'd mentioned that the Gold Coast Bulletin Fun Run was the next event on my list, and we agreed to do it together.  To be completely honest (sorry Court, nothing to do with you), I didn't think much about it.  Even though I agreed, I was mindfully non-committed.  It felt like so far in the future (it was just last month), and maybe I even thought Court may not end up being able to make it or something.  

She then emailed me to say she'd entered.

Damn.  

So I entered.  

And it's tomorrow.  I'm actually not that anxious about it, I'm just a bit blah and apprehensive.  I'm worried about how I'll fair, considering my knees, my lack of recent running, my fitness, my breathlessness, my anxiety, my random sore ankle I have today (?) and the fact I had a lot of trouble walking today (fun back issues) and had to roll to stand up, and limped around.

I don't have to run, so I can walk it all if I want.  And another beautiful friend, Mel, saw my Instagram post the other day about how I was nervous, and she immediately texted me, signed up and said she'll stick with me the whole way. :)  So I'll have both Court and Mel by my sides: #teamawesome, so I'll be fine.  I have my all black clothes laid out :/  Even black underwear, bra and crop!

I haven't done this event before but have always meant to, so that's exciting.  And we checked: you do get a medal. :)

And I reasoned to myself before: it's *only* 5km - it's just parkrun!  It's not like I'm going out there to do a 10km or half, and have to run!  In saying that, my breathlessness of late with small distances could make 5km seem like a marathon!  But I'm sure it won't be too bad.

So I have calmed down a lot.  That's not to say I'm looking forward to it, but it's not like Resolution Run.

Maybe I've popped my 2016 event cherry by planning this tomorrow - because this week I also signed up for Mothers Day Classic, and got offered to be in the Singapore Airlines team for City2South, so I'm signed up to that, too.  With MDC, I'm doing the same that I did last year: their "I Can't Be There, But..." option.  It's so so so amazing that they do this: you can sign up, and do the event yourself, anywhere, at any time, with any distance, and they mail you your medal.  And it's a cheaper entry price, too!  MDC this year is the morning after my brothers

Court and I in my happier running times

wedding, and I'm on clean up and airport driving duties, so I reasoned it'd be too much for me to get out and participate in the Brisbane event.  And this option suits my social anxiety very much!  I joined the team Rina's Runners, for our friend Rina, for anyone reading this who knows of the team. :)  

And City2South is in June, so I have a few extra weeks to pep myself up for that.

I was telling my GP the other day about tomorrow's event, and how I was feeling about it.  I'd told her the week before about the time I ran my 30km event, and how I wrote on my hand: "You didn't think you could run 1km either" to help me get through the run.  Because at one stage I didn't think I could run 1km.

When I said how I was doubtful about my ability, my GP reminded me of what I wrote on my hand, and it was the best thing she could have said.

So tomorrow I'll remember, that I didn't think I could run 30km either, but I did.

And one day soon, I'll write on my hand "You didn't think you could walk 5km either".

I'll check in after the event.  Follow my Snapchat for the live feed. :)

Sleep study FAIL

As if I hadn't been poked and prodded enough the week earlier, last week I attended one of those overnight sleep studies.

It was never something I ever imagined I would need to do.  I've had sleeping issues off and on, but nothing that dramatic or long lived.  One of my 57 goals for this year is "Sleep more", and I've been doing what I can to work on that.  I've got a list of mini goals that comprises of

the usual things we all know, plus bits and pieces from research I've been doing.  (If you have trouble sleeping, I really liked this article).

Anyway, despite me actively working on this, I've been having issues.  I've been falling asleep between 2pm and 5pm.  It's only when I lie down (TV taping catch ups or on my laptop on the weekends) ie. if I'm active or even just sitting up, there's no issues at all. And then after 5pm, I can lie down to my hearts content, and not even be sleepy at 2am.

I've also been finding it incredibly difficult to get out of bed in the mornings.  I'm not a morning person whatsoever; I get completely motivated late at night - but even still, this waking up problem has been in overdrive; it's been quite out of character for me.  It doesn't matter if I've had 4 hours sleep or 10 hours, I can't seem to get up.  This hasn't helped my boot camp or parkrun attendance records - more on that in another post.  

But most of all, both things are just very frustrating, and strange.  Never before have I been the type to fall asleep just by lying down.  My Dad kindly suggested that I'm getting old.  Thanks Dad!  Yeah, I am, but I'm not that old!  And besides, the 2pm-5pm thing is suddenly new, and like clockwork.

I researched (aka Dr Googled) these symptoms and I matched myself up with Adrenal Fatigue.  It was a textbook diagnosis! ;)  The time of day and everything.  I mentioned it to my GP - but apparently Adrenal Fatigue isn't something that's believed in by the medical community - it's more something that a Naturopath or Homeopath would diagnose.

I didn't care about the symptoms having a label, I just thought it would give us a reason.  I just want to fix them.  She agreed I had some type of Fatigue, and gave me a referral for an overnight sleep study.

For some reason I didn't question the need for this, or ask about alternatives, I just went

along with it.  I think I had too many other health happenings that had priority focus to think too much about this.

I got an appointment, and then the day was here.  They didn't give many instructions at all.  I had to show up at 7:15pm, they would 'release' me at 5am, I could bring any alcohol I usually drink before bed (I don't drink lol), and I must be clothed in bed.  That last instruction was a-ok!  Lol, far out.

I Googled so much, trying to find out more info, but there wasn't much out there, including on the sleep study's website.  I just wanted to know what would happen and how it all worked, but I could hardly find anything.

All I knew about sleep studies were that they looked something like this:

TV shows and movies aren't far off, because this is what I looked like:

Just with bigger boobs

But in reality I didn't know what to expect, and was not looking forward to it. 

I hate with a passion staying the night outside of my own bed.  I avoid it at all costs and have done since I was a kid.  I don't let it control my life, ie I still go away etc., but as much as possible, I don't.  One thing I hate is having to bring everything along with me: clothes, toiletries, I hate hate it.  

Since I had to be up at 5am, I thought it'd be a perfect opportunity to go straight to boot camp.  So I turned up to sleep school dressed in my boot camp clothes, and brought nothing else.  I told myself I was just going to a doctor on my way to boot camp, but would
happen to lie down and sleep in between!  Not having to use the sleep study as a hotel (with packed clothes and toiletries) helped my mindset.

How did it go?  Well, you can read the short version, or the less short version of how my night unfolded.

Short version:

It.was.horrendous.  Use my experience as advice.  Never, ever do a sleep study.

Less short version:
    
I showed up, and a guy at the front desk asked for my questionnaire that I was meant to have pre-filled in.  I handed it over, and he said to come and sit with him behind the desk for a "nose test".  He hadn't said his name, who he was, what the nose test did, or anything.  I sat beside him and I had to put a mask (like an oxygen mask or CPAP mask shape, but with a rubber seal along the edges, and a stick inside with a bit of soft material of some sort on the end.  He said to stick the material stick up one nostril, and then press the mask over my nose and mouth, pushing hard to seal it, and then breathe in through the open nostril only.

The white box

Breathing through one nostril while covering the other and your mouth: this little exercise was not good for claustrophobia. :(  I started panicking and almost took it off, but I pushed through.  I had to then do the same with the other nostril.

He then showed me to my room, and asked what time I usually went to sleep.  I said 12am-1am, and he was horrified.  I said I'd try and go to sleep earlier of course, but I had to wonder, what they expect...?  It was 7:30pm....

He said the latest he could come in to 'hook me up' was 10:30pm, and he then said I was free to relax or watch TV or anything I wanted until then.  I would have preferred to be down the road, at home, for these 3 hours, but anyway!

It's just a work hotel...it's just a work hotel

The room was pretty big, and it looked just like a hotel room, with a big TV and air con.  There were no walled windows with scientists in lab coats looking in, so I assumed there must have been cameras instead.  I wouldn't know, because the guy didn't tell me anything.  (I asked later and he said there were no cameras, they measured everything through the electrodes he would attach later).

I lay there, angry and hating the world, and told myself to just pretend I was in a hotel for work overnight.  I texted a friend who I know uses a CPAP machine, and who I'd expected had done sleep studies before.  She replied and said that she'd done hers at home.

HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS WAS AN OPTION?!  I can't describe how angry I was all day

leading up, and while I was there - my control freak independence was feeling stifled - and then while I'm there, I find out you can do this at home??  Augh!
At 10:30pm, NNSA (No Name Sleep Analyst) came in and said he had to hook me up.  The only words he spoke were answering me when I asked if there were video cameras, and saying "4" when I asked how many sleep patients were there tonight.  

Alright...

He put belts around the top and bottom of my chest, and then stuck an electrode to each leg.  He plugged the other ends into a white box thing, then handed me the white box and told me to follow him.  I had no idea where we were going.

We went to a First Aid looking room, and NNSA asked me to take my hair out.  I know it sounds petty and stupid, but I was so upset about this.  I'd braided my hair because I was sleeping, then going straight to boot camp, and then straight to work - I didn't bring a brush - braiding takes time - I don't like being told what to do with my hair haha - just no, dammit!  If he'd explained why he wanted me to take it out, I would have understood.  In the moment it kind of felt like this was my only controlled thing, and now it was being compromised.  Fine, I'll come to a sleep study, I'll sleep in a strange bed, you can measure my breathing or whatever, but you can't make me take out my hair!!!!

I thought maybe it was because tiny bits of hair were in my face, so I asked him if he wanted me to pull my hair back with my hands.  He said "no, just take your hair out".  Begrudgingly, I took it out, still not knowing why it was needed.  On the inside I felt like my 3 year old niece looks when I make her let me put her hair up!  Us girls are very protective of our hair!

One of the two belts

He then said he was going to scrub my skin to get rid of dead skin cells, so that the electrodes would stick better.

Man, I wish my blog allowed me to use emoticons...

He used the word "scrub" correctly.  He scrubbed the shit out of my dead skin cells alright!  He scrubbed so hard that my skin felt red raw.  He started on my forehead, and then scrubbed at certain points all over my face, and then all through my scalp (that's why he needed my hair taken out - I wouldn't have minded if he'd told me!)

It was hurting so much - if I wasn't so built up angry about the whole night, and perhaps a little more emotional, I could have cried.  He pressed so hard.  About 20 spots all over my face and scalp.

Stupid blue plastic thing

He then got hot wax / glue, and individually attached the end of about 20 electrodes and stuck them to my head, in the places he'd scrubbed.  The other ends went into the white box.

He then got soft plaster looking "stickers", and pressed them over the hot wax glued electrodes on my raw skin, to help secure them.  He was putting the stickers all through my hair.  I asked if they'd pull my hair out in the morning, and he said no, that my hot shower would take them out easily.

I said I was going straight to work (via BC)...he was a bit astounded and said that I needed to have a shower!  He said they had a shower there that I could use, and I said I didn't bring a towel or any toiletries, because I wasn't told I would need said shower.... Grrr the instructions for this place really need to be revised!

After about an hour of scrubbing and hot wax Tuesday night fun, NNSA walked me and the white box back to my room, put some kind of monitor on my finger, some tubes up my nose, and another tube with a stupid blue plastic thing that hung over my mouth.  He told me to lay still, placed a walkie talkie next to my shoulder/face, and told me to follow his instructions.  He left the room and through the walkie talkie, told me to do things on command, like look side to side, cough, move my legs, clench my jaw, things like that.

He came back to get the walkie talkie, and said to go to sleep!  I asked if I could move around with all of the cords, because I'm a really restless sleeper, and he said yes, but to try and spend at least 1 hour in each position.  Eg. an hour on my back, an hour on each side, so that he could get good readings.

I said ummm I'll be asleep....I won't know what I'm doing.  He said he'd come in and tell me.  I didn't argue that I would have already have moved by the time he told me not to....

He left my room around 11:30pm.  I was hating every minute.  That stupid blue plastic thing was leaning on my mouth, the cords were bumpy on the back of my head, and I wanted my own bed.

I tried to go to sleep about 1am, and... couldn't. 

I told myself the sooner I get to sleep, the sooner I'll be able to get out of that place.  I tried everything I could do (within the limitations of being attached to 20+ electrodes) but I was just wide awake.

Every time I opened my eyes, I could see a light flashing.  And that stupid blue plastic thing resting on my lips was grating my nerves.  If NNSA had any microphones hooked up, he would have heard me swearing.

I considered quitting, and going home.  I dearly wanted to, but I kept telling myself that I may as well try to get some benefit from it, and not put all the head scrubbing and hot wax gluing to waste.

But try as I might, I couldn't sleep.  There was an intercom next to my bed, and I buzzed NNSA at 2:50am, and he came into my room.  I said that I couldn't sleep, and asked him what the minimum time was that they needed people to sleep for, to be able to get data.  He said 5 hours.  Seeing as he was supposed to be waking me up in a little over 2 hours, I asked him if there was any point me being there still.  He said that they could still get some data from 2 hours, even though the minimum was 5....

AUGH.

THIS

So I continued to try.  I gave myself a time limit; if I hadn't slept by 3:45am, I was walking out.  I'd given up on boot camp by then, but I still had to work.  I can cope with 3 hours sleep, but cannot do 1 hour.

I closed my eyes again, try try try...nope.  I continued to open my eyes, getting more annoyed by the flashing light, so uncomfortable with the electrodes digging into the back of my head, counting the hours left.  I wondered if NNSA could read my thoughts.  The electrodes on my legs had been accidentally pulled off for ages.  I kept telling myself to try and just get 1 hour; make this horrendous experience somewhat worthwhile...

I yanked the stupid blue plastic thing to rest on my nose instead of my lips, thinking they could have designed these tubes better!  What a waste of plastic.  At one stage through the night, I picked up my phone and Googled "sleep study can't sleep" and found many identical stories to mine.  In one of them it explained the importance of that stupid blue plastic thing, in that it was to measure breathing from the mouth....  Whoops!  I pulled it back down.

3:45am rolled around and I buzzed NNSA again, and I quit / he kicked me out at 4am, after he'd unhooked me.  He left all the stickers in my hair, and wax / glue all over my face.  There's no way I could have gone straight to boot camp or work!  I took this delightful selfie as I left the place:

Ready for boot camp and work!

I said goodbye as I walked past the office where NNSA sat, and he barely looked up.  I drove home and showered and washed my hair 3 times, and slept 5am-9am, in my own bed that had never felt so comfortable, and went to work late.

I was so tired that night, and went to bed around 7:30pm.  I was so, so mad.  What a waste of two nights.  And I didn't even have any data to make it worthwhile!  NNSA said I'd still get a report, but I doubt there'll be any revelating results on there, considering I didn't sleep at all.  I sleep better in loud hospitals and uncomfortable planes.

I might try and do the test at home, I'll see what my GP says next time I'm there.  But there is no, no way in the world I will ever do one of those tests again.  Obviously, a couple of weeks later, I've calmed down about it, but the horrendousness at the time was real. :)


My Mum thinks it's just that my circadian rhythm is out of whack.  She's probably right; I sleep 4-5 hours, and then one 10 hour sleep on the weekend if I can.  I go to bed so late, because I'm so highly motivated late at night.  It's pretty obvious when I now think of it.... I wish I'd spoken to my Mum before my GP!

At least I got some interesting selfies from my annoying night, so not all was lost. ;)