Ripped off: putting on 500g

Seriously - it's April??  The year is absolutely flying by...how are those goals looking, Kate? :o

So....I quickly scanned over my previous post, from last week, and man do I sound whiney!  Geez...I deserved a lot of violins for that little outburst.  I'm a bit embarrassed; I know I was a bit over the top.  But truly, Hangriness is a real condition:

and I had it bad.  Looking back, I can't get over how angry and upset I was - one day of no food - get over it, Kate.  But, in the moment....!

Anyway, the procedure itself....where do I start.

It was horrible.  Keep in mind, I've been putting this off for a year.  So for a whole year, I've had the exact same conversation with so many people.  Truly, it sounded scripted, it was that uncanny that everyone said the same thing to attempt to comfort me:

"It's not that bad.  The preparation is the worst part, the actual procedure is nothing."

As much as I was terrified, in the back of my mind, I actually did believe the 36 friends, family and GP's who said this to me in the lead up.

But for me, it wasn't like that.  Aside from my hissy fits about wanting food in the lead up, the preparation for me wasn't too bad at all.  The stuff I had to drink wasn't that awful.  Yeah, it cleaned me out, but I wasn't attached to the bathroom full time all night like I was expecting.

What I was doing all night though, was staying awake.  I could not sleep.  It must have just been anxiety about the next day.  I ended up sleeping 4am-6am - before that though, I was annoyingly wide awake.

The reasons I was so nervous about it, and put it off for a year, is that two of my biggest fears, are surgery, and anaesthetic.  I don't know why, maybe just because other than 2 moles and a tooth that I've had cut and pulled out, I've never had surgery.  And I've never had anything more than a local anaesthetic.  I'm such an independent control freak, that I'm petrified about being knocked out, and having people do things to me while I'm not aware.  Terrified.  And while a colonoscopy is a procedure, rather than surgery, in my mind it's just as bad.  Besides - mine ended up being surgery.

On top of that, despite what you may think if you ever saw my before and after underwear photos on Instagram (that I've since deleted), I am the most private / modest / prudish person in the world.  I can't handle anyone seeing anything....

So it's little wonder that I put it all off for a year, and then couldn't sleep the night before.  I was battling 3 of my fears in one.  Not to mention potential results.

In procedural medical terms, the colonoscopy itself went well, as it should.  In Kate terms, it was traumatic and devastating.  I won't put you through the detail, but I am genuinely still reeling.  All of those people who said it wasn't that bad....I wish they were right.  My apologies if you're reading this and about to have one yourself!  I'm sure you'll be fine :)  Mine just happened to be just very situationally upsetting, while facing 3 major fears at once.

And sadly, the results weren't entirely happy-go-lucky.  They could have been worse, so I'm very grateful, and relieved that I've had it done now so we know what's going on.  But it's been a pretty horrible week, and one of the worst parts is, I have to do it all over again in 12 weeks! :( :( :( :(  Mark that in your diaries and maybe skip reading my social media around that time: Hangry Kate will be lurking, I am sure.

I'm still trying to understand the results and what it all means.  It's pretty confusing.  (And it didn't help that my doctor didn't come and speak to me, and my nurse read out my results to me as I walked through a busy waiting room and in the hospital public lift, and when I asked what it all meant, her response was: "look it up on the internet"......) I had a very anxious few days Googling / trying not to Google before I got to see my GP's. :(

The positives are that I've now had it done.  I've also popped my surgery / procedure and anaesthetic cherries.  (Although it was only twilight sedation).  And despite me having an awful experience, and the private / naked issue thing is still very much real, I'm now not AS scared about surgery and anaesthetic.

I didn't realise how terrified I really was about it all.  I've had 4 years of literally dozens of hospital visits.  So much so that a hospital admin staff commented on how thick my patient file was.  I'm so familiar with my hospital that I know which rooms have the best mobile

Selfie snap to a friend to say it was over!

reception.  I've had scan after test after scan.  I've sat, terrified, in waiting rooms, laid, silently crying in cold hospital wards and tried to crawl out of machines in claustrophobic panics.  The receptionist at my local radiology place recognised me by name when I had to go in today.  This kind of stuff has sadly become second nature to me.  So I'd expect myself to take something like a colonoscopy on the chin.  Yet this was so new and scary for me.  

I know it was such a little thing, and people have major actual surgery every day: so of course I have perspective.  But we can only be scared of our own bucket, and can't always control what makes us anxious messes.  This is just mine.

And do you want to know the worst thing?  I say the word 'worst' in jest, don't worry.

Leading up to this whole thing, I thought that one HUGE positive is that surely after a 'colon cleanse', I will lose weight!  I heard you can have kilos of waste in that area, and this was the only part I was looking forward to.

I weighed myself before and after said cleanse, and do you know what?

I PUT ON 500g.  WTH??  So.not.fair.  What is with that!

Anyway, enough chatter about my backside I think!

You'll be proud to know that even after an anxiety filled week, I am still Diet Coke free. :)

I did however, have 2 soft drinks.  Like my ones I mentioned in my previous post, though, there were reasons behind them.  I had a frozen Coke with my sister-in-law as she drove me home from hospital.  I hadn't eaten in 36 hours, and she went through drive through to get me some food.  A drink came with it - and I chose a frozen Coke.  At the time I was thinking 'frozen = refreshing' and wasn't even thinking that it was Coke!  (Not DC though).

It was fine....but then on the weekend I was at a pub for a family event and my Mum asked me if she could buy me a drink.  I'd traveled interstate and had stayed with family the night before, so I'd been on the go and didn't have my usual access to my home or work fridges.  I was actually a little dehydrated.  I'd had a sparkling water when I arrived, but it hadn't hit the spot, and I really wanted something refreshing.  So I asked Mum for a lemonade.

It was perfect and it was just what I needed.  So that was fine.

However.  The days that followed, I found myself craving soft drink again!  Just after that seemingly harmless frozen Coke and refreshing lemonade over a 5 day period!

I don't know whether it means I'll always have a risky desire for soft drinks - I hope not.  It might just be too soon to quitting my DC to make assumptions like that.  Either way, it was a bit scary and very annoying!  I really, really wanted one.  I got through it though, and after about 2 or 3 days the craving was over.  My quit thing was DC, but as I've said before, I don't want my new crux to be one of the other dozen or so soft drinks, as they're just as bad for me.  And addictive.

Anyway I am outta here, I will be back very soon as I have a few more stories from this week to update you on!

Ciao bellas. xo 

March: good start, slipped up middle, hangry end

Hi hi!

A little bit long time, no speak!  I've been blogging in my head, and taking pictures along the way, but to actually sit down and type and press "Publish", I haven't quite gotten there.

Before I go on, I need to share something that's not entirely weight loss related, but it is to do with food!  This post was going to be a general update, but to be honest I can't think of anything other than the fact that I am frigging HANGRY right now.

I'm not being silly and not eating by choice.  Tomorrow I have to have a delightful

#todaysfooddiary :(

Colonoscopy.  And despite the fact that I am beyond terrified about the whole procedure, anxious about the (very small chance) potential findings and I'm about to spend the next 4 hours on the toilet, all of that feels insignificant right now because all I can think of is I want fooooooooooood.

This Colonoscopy prep is the absolute universal proof reason why I could never do a diet that didn't include actual real life FOOD.  Aside from the fact that I'm not a shakes / tablet / powder etc diet person myself anyway, I just couldn't do it, even if I thought it was a great way to do things.  It's why my juice diet I attempted 4 years ago didn't make it past the lunch time of Day 1.  I am a person who needs actual food.

So, as you can imagine, I am not enjoying this prep process and my Easter has not been one of sitting around a table spread with culinary delights.

From Good Friday to Easter Sunday, I was on a strict low fibre diet, able to choose from a list of certain foods.  To be fair, the list was actually quite kind - there was a fair bit of choice.

But oh no, of course all I could think of, crave and salivate over, were the foods that I wasn't allowed to have.  Good Friday, Day 1, was the worst.  I didn't cope well.  I was agitated and annoyed and felt so deprived it wasn't funny.  I wanted everything I couldn't have and my language when talking to friends was as pleasant as it is when I'm road raged.

Saturday and Sunday I was a lot more accepting and mature about it and just took it (mostly) on the chin.  

I took so many photos of me drinking mineral water

However today, Easter Monday, is another rampaging, hangry story.  Today I'm not allowed to eat a thing.  I ate at 9:30pm last night, and now am not allowed to eat again until after the procedure tomorrow, maybe around lunch time.  Not a thing!  Not even one tiny little mouthful of anything.

I'm trying not to swear - I've done enough of that on texts and snaps to friends across the last 4 days.  This feels torturous.  

I know I sound like the first person who's ever had to prep for a procedure, but when you're as hangry as I am, you don't care. :)  Seriously the way I am carrying on in my head and my swearing text messages, you'd think I hadn't eaten for weeks.

I'm currently drinking the prep stuff so am trying to get this blog post out of the way before I am attached to my ensuite for the rest of the night.  I've turned my TV around to face the bathroom.  What a fun Monday night I have planned! 

Now that I've shared the load of my hangriness to anyone who'll listen (read), I now feel I can continue on.

Ignore my desk calendar - I am lazy. This was March.

So, March.  Where has it gone?  I haven't used the month as much I wish I had.  Four weeks: I could have done so much, and I didn't.  I had a rough month so that's the reason, but it shouldn't be the excuse.

I did well the first week, then fell over like I usually do.  It's the same old story, I don't need to explain it.

I was doing really well, even though I got so busy.  I was walking to my car eating yoghurt, eating lunch in meetings, still sticking to my plan no matter how hectic things were.  But one thing snuck in - but that was ok, because for the rest of the day I made good choices.  But then the next thing snuck in, then the next, then before I know it, it's a free for all.

You know, for someone who falls over so much and has next to none self confidence or self esteem, I have an uncanny amount of belief in me reaching my goals.  

A friend who's on a similar journey asked me recently if I ever got scared that I wouldn't make it (weight loss journey wise).  With total and utter conviction, I responded, no.  There is not one doubt in my mind that I won't make it.  I know I will.  I just happen to also like torturing myself in the process, by dragging it out something silly!

One of my very few boot camp seshs

I lost 4.1kg in the first week of March.  Week 2, I put on 1.8kg.  Week 3, I put on 1.2kg.  So hey, I still lost 1.1kg this month!  That is something.

After this hangry causing, torturous no food long weekend is over (approx. 18 hours to go...), I'll enjoy the concept of eating again, and get myself back on the wagon.

On a brighter note, as of today I am now 4 weeks Diet Coke free!  So proud of myself!  I know that I've kicked the habit.  I sound very sure of myself, but I know it.  I continue to liken it to quitting smoking.  Once I'd made up my mind, I just did it.  4 weeks ago I made the choice to no longer drinking Diet Coke, and that was that.  I know that I don't drink it anymore.

I won't lie though - the first few days were a bit hard.  I had a slight headache for just 3 days, and probably the first week I had to keep reminding myself that I don't drink it anymore.  Habitually there were reminders everywhere.  The first one of the day...driving...the vending machine at work...lunches and 'coffees' out... various scenarios that kept popping up that kept me practicing getting used to the fact, that I don't

The month of eating on the run - this was in a lift

drink it anymore.  

Even now when I go to the grocery shops, it feels strange not putting 2 cartons in my trolley, or getting excited when it's on special.  In fact I was so used to my habit, that I bought 1 carton too many, the week before I quit.  I had a carton of 30 cans sitting idle in my pantry - I'd just habitually stocked myself up, completely not thinking that I wouldn't need to do so anymore.  My parents were pleased with their free carton I delivered to them!  It goes some small way in paying them back for all of the Diet Coke's they've supplied me with over the years.

After about a week of giving up, the habits got a bit easier.  That was about the time I probably stopped craving it, too.  Thinking back on the process, just 4 weeks later, it really was quite easy.  I put the 'ease' down to me cutting down from the 1st of January.  I think it would be quite a different story if I'd cut it out cold turkey, like my last attempt.  Going from 2-3 a day down to 0, is a lot easier than 6-9 a day to 0 overnight!

I'm proud with every bottle!

Plain mineral and sparkling water has been my saviour though.  It's definitely "my" new drink.  I've been having it first up each morning as my first Diet Coke of the day was always my favourite.  I don't think I'll need it as regularly as I've been having it, ongoing, but I'll just see how I go.  It feels similar to how after I quit smoking, I continued to take "cigarette" breaks for a week or so.  I didn't smoke when I went on them, but I was so used to taking those regular breaks that it felt unnatural not to do so after I quit.  By walking outside for 10min. a few times a day it took away the edge for the first little while, and then I stopped needing to do so.  

I've hardly had any mineral / sparkling water compared to the amount of Diet Coke I used to have, but it's been a nice little replacement every now and again when I feel the need for something other than water.

My 1st time in a bar post no more DC. Soda water!

My decision was to stop drinking Diet Coke, but I also meant any soft drink and diet drinks as well.  Because it would be very easy just to switch from Diet Coke to even diet flavoured mineral water, which I've done before.  My emotional addiction was to Diet Coke, so as long as I could stay away from that, I'd be happy, but I still didn't plan on having any other soft drink, either.  

In saying that --- I ended up having soft drink twice this month.  I'm not worried about it, as both times were definitely not Diet Coke replacements, or satisfying a craving or anything like that.

The first time was at a friends house.  She'd very sweetly gone to the trouble of buying me mineral water for our catch up.  She'd bought flavoured mineral water, but the one I opened was diet soft drink.  It was accidental and it wasn't even a regular soft drink brand; it was just orange drink.  I'd opened the bottle so I went ahead and drank it: I felt a little guilty but just tried to enjoy the one glass.

The second time was today: I went and bought myself a bottle of lemonade to use as a

Medicinal lemonade today

chaser to the prep drink tonight, as I was allowed to drink lemonade!  It genuinely felt medicinal though, and no way like the hold that DC used to have on me.

I *almost* had Coke another day, about a week after "D(C) Day".  I had a little (unrelated) fainting episode :(  while I was at work.  My boss helped me out and while I was partially out to it, I heard him asking if he should get me some Coke (sugar).  I couldn't speak, but in my head I was screaming to myself "no!  no!  I only quit Diet Coke last week!"  Lol of all the times for someone to feed me Coke / Diet Coke when it was really not up to me, it had to be just a week after quitting, when I was still a bit DC vulnerable. :)  Fortunately he made me a Milo instead. :)

I found these through the avo shortage! Really good!

So that's where I stand, at the end of March!  Very uneven and inconsistent with the weight loss efforts and awesome with the No More Diet Coke.  I still get surprised that I've given up DC.  As I type this on the 28th March, I haven't had a DC since 29th February, very late at night.  Last month.  Not that long ago I'd feel the agony if I hadn't had one in 3 hours! :/

My exercise this month has been nondescript.  I've been to boot camp on average once a week (I usually go 3 times a week), and I've been doing nothing else exercise wise.  Even my "reach 50 parkruns in 2016" goal hasn't been getting me out there.

I came up with what I thought was a great way to get me out of bed for Saturday morning parkruns.  While during the week I have a trainer and friends who are expecting me at boot camp, on Saturdays I don't always meet friends to parkrun, so it's all too easy to turn over and go back to sleep.

So I started organising breaky with friends on Saturday mornings, at around 8:30am, which gave me enough time to complete parkrun and turn up for a catch up and some breaky.  I thought if I had to get up and go and meet a friend for breakfast, then I'd get up and do parkrun beforehand.

What I didn't forsee, is that it's just as easy to turn over and go back to sleep at 5:30am/6am

Airport lounge - better choices

and skip parkrun, and instead just get out of bed at 7:30am/8am for breakfast!  I think I'm up to 6 or 7 weeks of consistent Saturday morning breaky dates, yet I haven't been to parkrun once throughout that time. :/  I haven't been getting any closer to the illustrious 50, but I have been seeing my friends more often!

I'm the type of person who once I'm on a roll, I get out there and do it all.  So I know once I really get myself into it, there won't be any stopping me.

All I can do is keep trying.

After I eat something tomorrow.

Happy Easter xx

Happy Easter

Wahhh.

Just a mega quick post as I'm trying out blogging from my iPhone. I rarely do this as its so clunky and I haven't found a great platform to do so. So just a quick one for now! 

And I don't even have that much to say, other than today kind of sucked. It started when I skipped my morning exercise. I feel like shit because of it. I planned on going for a walk before boot camp, just my usual, and then parking further away from work- something I have conveniently not been doing lately.

I woke up at 4am and thought I could hear it rain. I checked one of my weather apps, and although I don't think it was raining at 4am, it said there was a prediction of a thunderstorm at 5am. I didn't want to go to the effort of getting up at 4am just to have it storm just as I start walking. I can't use my treadmill at the moment as I have a friend staying in the room where I keep that. So I decided to sleep an extra hour, and just get up at 5am for boot camp.

I slept through my alarm slightly, to the point I would have missed too much of boot camp to make it worthwhile still going. So I went back to sleep, slept a little too late again, and because I was focusing on the time of getting to work, I parked close to work without even thinking, so essentially skipped my third 'session' in a row! :(

I felt so annoyed at missing my exercise. I stuck to my food, but I had a headache for a lot of the day. Then when I was leaving work, a friend asked me how I went today (with the no DC), as we'd had a big discussion on it earlier in the day. I was so out of it and a bit dizzy again that I looked at her blankly and had no idea why she was asking me how I went today. She had to remind me of the no DC...I was so not with it.

Quitting Diet Coke and going back to eating well on the same day was quite ambitious. Although risky, I'm going to ride with it. That doesn't mean it's not hard though. :( The withdrawals from DC and caffeine are not fun, but the food factor is even harder - I can't comfort myself with half a tub of ice cream after a bad day like I could have just a few days ago. I had a bad afternoon which wasn't helped by not being able to binge on DC or food.

I don't know if I was actually hungry but when I got home or just annoyed at my day and frustrated I couldn't stuff my face, but I ate a 1/4 of a packet of cheese Peckish crackers. I turned the oven on to cook my dinner. I then said to myself I had no motivation or desire to cook, and all I wanted to do was eat the rest of the rice crackers. So I did. One packet of Peckish rice crackers as dinner - ahhh Kate.

Oh well. I'll just hope tomorrow is better. I know I have to put the effort in to get to where I want to be....but some days it's really hard. :(

Day 1: tick

20 hours no Diet Coke, and counting.

Haha just kidding.  Yes, it's been 20 hours without Diet Coke, but I'm not counting.  I'm going ok!  I got faint signs of a slight headache around 5-6pm, but it didn't really eventuate.  I actually felt slightly dizzy, but that could be also my body crying out in shock because I had less food today, too.  I had plenty of food - but I cut out the bingeing crap today, so essentially it was a lot less food!

I weighed myself and did measurements today and it's pretty horrifying.  One day in a little

while I'll share my weight again, but for now there's only 1 other person who knows how much I've stacked it on.  The numbers themselves don't horrify me, it's the way my body feels when it's this size.  The number just labels how my body feels.  And it feels awful.  Ill fitting clothes is just the outer tip of the iceberg that is weight gain.  I'll slowly share other such stuff that I've accounted again, soon, too.

But yep - other than the 'almost headache' and feeling a bit faint for like 5min., I got through it ok.  Habitually I kept wanting to go to the vending machine, but it was just out of habit rather than craving, so it was ok.  I think cutting down over 8 weeks has been the best thing for me, as it wasn't a harsh shock today, physically or mentally.

Anyway, just wanted to touch base (in one of my shortest posts ever!) and to check in.  I

signed up for March Round of 12WBT today also, and that starts in just under 2 weeks.  That's just to keep me on track, but I know what to do and I'm already doing it. 

It's a little hard tonight food wise, but I have to remain strong.  I hate everything that comes with being this size, so if I want everything that comes with being smaller, I have to stick with it.

Day 1 of restarting (for the 452nd time) is a bit more crushing than Day 1 of starting.  Regaining weight is not fun, nor is having to lose it again.

But that's where I find myself, so I have to suck it up and put in the hard yards.  Again.

Love ya, 
Kate xo

Tomorrow is "Take Control Day"!

Thanks so much for everyone's support about my quest I shared in my previous post, about how I'm stopping Diet Coke...tomorrow.  1st March.  Eeek!  Just one more sleep.  I read my post again and I think I actually came across a little defensive in it.  Everyone's actually been so supportive and encouraging.  I think the comments I

My last "first DC of the day", in the car this morning

get in real life had me a bit nervous that I'd get the same lectures online.  But nope.  So, thank you. :)

I cracked open my last can before, and (a very hopeful sign), didn't feel like finishing it, so I put half in the fridge to finish off later.  I'm sipping on it now, as I type.  Then tomorrow, no more!  

I'm so used to stocking up that I accidentally bought an extra 30 pack of DC last week!  They were on special so I automatically picked up two packs.  It wasn't until I got home that I realised I won't even get through one pack before the 1st of March.  I'm so used to trying to have enough for up to 9 a day, that it was an automatic purchase.  I am going to save so much money from this...

Tomorrow I'm also restarting weight loss wise, for the 622149025th time.  I've been so quiet on social media lately, and when I do that, you can be pretty certain that I've fallen off the wagon.  Which I have.  I can't tell you how backwards I've gone.  Well, I can, and I'm sure it'll come out over the next few posts.

My last DC from the vending machine today

There's not much I can share on Coco Girl stuff when I'm not on track.  Apologies to those who started following me on Snapchat, I was all excited to set it up, but I know my feed has been extremely quiet and boring!  As of tomorrow though I'm pretty sure I'll be posting away on everything again!

I haven't done any preparation or planning for tomorrow, other than setting the date and working towards it mentally, and going to the shops quickly this afternoon to stock up on food for the next 4 days.  I prepped everything when I got home - something I haven't done in a couple of months.  My lunch bag is ready to pick up in the morning.  I got a new lunch bag at Christmas (from Kmart, if you like it).  Tomorrow's the first day I'll actually use it after having it for two months - as I haven't been prepping or packing my food.

My 'new' pretty lunch bag!

There's so much more to chat about, but for now this is just a quick post to say tomorrow, 1st March, is the day I take control back of my health, again.

Remember, we only truly fail if we stop trying.

Love Kate xx 

I didn't know you could get frozen strawberries!

Or mango.  As in, there's nothing else added.

Or mango.  As in, there's nothing else added.

So good when fresh strawberries aren't very nice and are expensive (like now)

So good when fresh strawberries aren't very nice and are expensive (like now)

It's been a long time between meal preps

Sorry I've been quiet

My last DC...

My last DC...