Twilight '15 limp report

I decided to do the Twilight 5km in Brisbane last night, despite my knee injury meaning I had to walk / limp it.  I'd been planning to do the 10km - it's an event I enjoy and it was on "the list".  But with my running plans temporarily put on hold, as the event drew closer, I naturally

Wet selfie photoshoot in the car post run

assumed I wouldn't be attending.

This'll make more sense once I get time to write my next blog post, but I decided to enter anyway, because I needed to show myself that there's different ways to do things - you can still achieve things, even if you have to take a slightly different path, one you didn't originally plan on.  Obviously I mean this on a larger, more symbolically, meaningful scale.  But today, it was simply about me being able to attend an event I'd been looking forward to, get through that finish line (and get a medal).

So I signed up.

My entry was for the 5km walk rather than the 10km run, but hey - I was still able to go.

My Twilight run in 2013 was highly dramatic and my Twilight run in 2014 was highly emotional, so I was hoping that 2015 would have no drama.

This is, of course, a big ask, when emergency vehicles are commonly synonymous to Kate running, but hey, a girl can dream.

It'd been raining all weekend in Brisbane, and cleared about an hour before I left home.  Dark clouds were hanging around, so I grabbed a bunch of zip lock bags for myself and

Zip lock bags

friends, just in case.

Apart from the zip lock bags, I felt a bit under-prepared before I left the house.  Things have been a little hectic and I just didn't have things ready.  I scrambled for clean clothes and my Garmin was flat.  No big deal.  As I hopped in the car to head to Twilight, I decided that if a flat Garmin was the biggest thing that happened today, then we were going to be ok.

On the way there though, I had a bit of a traffic scare / upset thanks to another drivers impatience and indecency.  It surprisingly shook me up so much that I started crying and sort of hyperventilating, which turned into a panic attack, which caused me to pull over to the side of the road to calm down before I continued to drive.

Seriously Kate: I hadn't even gotten to the event yet, and I was already in a state, struggling to breathe and sobbing.

I pulled myself together and made it there, but I was pretty shaken.  I told myself that it was fine now, I'd had this years dramatic moment, everything would be calm and normal now.  Though, and I know this sounds silly, but as I walked from my car, I heard a siren and that,

Courts :)

and the combo of the lurking weather made me a little unnerved.  I'm sure my reaction was exacerbated because I was already unsettled, but it was still like little flashbacks to the 2013 event.  (The story is at the link above, but the short version is, we were stuck 5km out on the course when a ferocious storm hit.  We couldn't see, the sideways rain was making it difficult to breathe, we had to run (opposite) sideways through flooded roads holding each others hands, in parts using lightning to help see in front of us, people were screaming and all we could hear were sirens.  It was one of the scariest times in my life.  And that was just my experience - there was worse).  I imagine that with the questionable weather yesterday, other 10km and half runners that were stuck out on the course that year may have also felt a little anxious?

I got to the event and met up with my friends.  One of them, I actually 'met', in the true meaning of the word!  Leanne, aka Annie, aka this warm, funny, wonderful woman is someone I've 'known' for a couple of years now through 12WBT, but we actually only got to meet yesterday.  Leanne writes one of my favourite blogs: Finding The Thin Within Me, and has been one of my biggest online supporters throughout my journey.  She lives interstate but was in Brisbane for this event, so we finally got to meet.  And she's just as warm, funny and wonderful in real life. 

You know those people who are just beautiful, and you just adore them the moment you meet?

That's Leanne. :)

Leanne :)

Anyway, talking to friends, the general run atmosphere and receiving a phone call from my 2 year old niece (with my Dad) and hearing her say " 'luck " (good luck) and " iluboo " (I love you) :) calmed me down, and as soon as I went through the Start banner, my worries were completely forgotten.

Leanne, her friend Fi and I stuck together for the entire event.  I'm so grateful for this.  My knee was holding up really well.  I did my last 5km at the Pinkie Fun Run, walking like Bambi - so apprehensive, slow and stumbly.  Whereas today, I was walking normally.  I say 'normally' because I wasn't power walking, but I also didn't have to go at snails pace.  It was a great speed all things considered, and my knee held up the whole way, really, really well.  I was limping a bit, but that was more me referring weight to my 'good leg', rather than it being caused from pain.

About 2.5km in, we were walking over the bridge, and that's when we saw the clouds.

Thick, grey, menacing clouds...

We were literally in the same spot I was in 2 year previously, when I noticed similar clouds

Clouds on the bridge

and it began to rain back then.  And here we were again.  It was slightly different this time though: I was almost at the turn around point with not as great distance in front of me, and this time I had zip lock bags for my precious, information filled iPhone!

The clouds were dark for a reason, as the rain started as we got to the turn around point, just after the bridge.  By the time we got back over the bridge, the paths and road had begun flooding.  Ankle deep water, underlying panic about my iPhone not holding out through plastic, and absolute drenching rain weren't great, but all I could do was think back to 2013 to put things into perspective.  We were fine.

Leanne, Fi and I muddled through the water; we only had 1km to go.

As we neared the stadium, we realised that the 10km and half marathon events had started, and they were about to run past us.  Officially they were only supposed to take up half of the

The volunteers were the best!!!

road, as there were still people in our 5km event finishing, on our side of the road.

But like a few events I've been in now, the vast numbers and speed of the oncoming event quickly outweigh my side, and before we knew it, they'd taken over the whole road, and were coming right at us.

I really don't know what event organisers can do in situations like this, because a few traffic cones become invisible when you're talking hundreds of very fast runners outweighing a few on the other side of the road.  This event isn't alone in this issue.  Runner education and warnings are the only thing I can think of, apart from expensive barriers. 

We moved as absolute far left as we could, but the 10 and half'ers were still coming right at us: they'd taken up the whole road.  Unfortunately we couldn't move any further over, as the road to our left was flooded probably up to our ankles.  We were already walking on the border of it.  I was already drenched so you could argue it didn't matter, but when I saw there was an older woman alongside us in my event / direction who was getting pushed into the water, I suddenly got very protective of my event, and refused to budge any further over,

which would mean into the water.  Leanne, Fi and I had long been pushed into a single file, which was fine, but we were still getting pushed even further.  I tried to look after the older woman as best I could, by making sure she (and I) felt we had every right to walk on the tiniest bit of road in between the water and the running barrage: I kept guiding her out of the water.  I refused to walk through more flood water than I had to, just because the next events had taken over our side of the road.  I decided they could at least give us a persons width grace.  Oncoming runners had to jump out of the way as I kept a firm hand on the womans shoulder.

It wasn't a huge deal but runners coming at you makes for pretty anxious times - I was also trying to be careful, I can't have any sudden movements to my knee.  Fortunately this part didn't go for very long, and we got to the finish chute, the 4 of us now, and walked through.  Some of the sitting crowd clapped, a few people called out, my beautiful friend Courtney was at the finish line taking photos for me, it was still raining very hard, and we walked through and made it.

We didn't hang around; to the point I didn't even get any selfies at the finish line, or any jumping photos!!  I was too anxious about my phone to take it out until I got to my car.  But it was safe and 99% dry.  I've decided to get a waterproof case, just for use in events.  I've never bought one as to me they're so big and cumbersome, but I've had too many anxious

events and close calls now: even if I just use it for events, it will be worth it.  The fact I have a bag of rice in the pantry labelled "iPhone rice" says it all, really....

Like in 2013, the half marathon ended up being cancelled half way through, as the rain just got worse and worse.  Tough call for the organisers and heartbreaking for the runners mid course.  I felt fortunate I got to finish my event; albeit getting beyond drenched, and drove very slowly (safely) home, and into a very warm shower.

It was hard not running: very hard.  But it's ok.  I just need to be patient.

I didn't think of it too much throughout the event itself, but as I went through the finish line, I did get a little pep up as I reminded myself what I just proved.

That it is still possible to get somewhere, even if you have to do it by different means, or attack it by a different angle.... :)

Struggle Corner

I say Struggle 'Corner' because I'm not in Struggle Street or Struggle Town just yet.  It's easier and quicker to turn a corner than it is to get out of a street or leave town!

So if my last post was about how I was going along pretty swimmingly, this post is, well, sort of the opposite.

Welcome to the life of Kate: where nothing is ever boring or straightforward.

I will start with something positive though: I did promise to write my next blog post about Pre-Season, and where I'm up to with that.  Well, I did!  It's just that I didn't post it on my blog here!  It's on another special blog, the 12WBT blog!  It was an honour to do a bit of writing for the 12WBT team, and share a little of my thoughts on Pre-Season!  The blog post is here if you wanna read it. :) 

That was the highlight of my week.  Unfortunately I had a few too many low lights to scramble through, too.  Just your average week, I know.  But this week just seemed a little tougher than most.

I'm not going to do a depressing play-by-play, but at the same time this blog has been, for coming up to 3 years, like my little outlet of all things health / weight loss / fitness gain related, and blogging about it will at least get it off my chest, no matter how high level I describe it.

So I last posted at the 6 week mark of this year.  I was on track, I had not strayed, I was so proud of myself.  I have never been on track for 6 weeks straight before.  It's now 8 weeks into the new year and as much as I would love to say I kept it going, I slipped. 

I can't even pinpoint just how I did so.  It started with a pub meal that I allowed myself to have.  I often have treats but they're well planned for and written down.  This pub meal was not planned for, well at least not until that afternoon when I just 'felt' like it.

I'm forever going after that happy medium / non 'all or nothing' / middle ground / non deprivation way of living: I'm not very good at it yet, but I am improving. 

I just wanted a chicken parmy.  So I let myself have it.  It somehow went hand in hand with a long night of Long Island Iced Teas.  I don't drink very often anymore, so the whole night was really a once off.  It's ok, it happens.

But, my old trick immediately crept back in, and I kept it going.  It's a behaviour I've had since I was 16 so it's a bit hard to shake.  The ol' "well while I'm at it, I may as well...." and I continue the unclean eating.

I kept it going for the rest of the week.  By Weigh In Wednesday, I'd eaten off plan for 4.5 days.  I put on 2.3kg.

I don't often ask for help and as much as my openness on social media would suggest otherwise, when things are wrong, I don't usually talk about it.  But I'm very lucky to have a supportive relationship with my beautiful trainer, Margie, and I spoke to her one morning and just said it as it was.  I tell her just everything (the poor thing) but this issue seemed hard to admit: that it had crossed my mind to quit.

A week down the track now, I can't comprehend how I could ever feel like that, but, I did.  I also can't recall how I had the strength to pull myself back up so quickly, but, I also did. :)  Sometimes it helps to lighten the load if you share with someone else.

I went strong for 3 days.  On the 3rd day I had a sudden medical issue - one moment everything was fine - and then suddenly I ended up having to visit my second home: Emergency.

Sick of this view

I don't know yet if I'm ok: I think I am, but I won't have confirmation for a little while.  I have to have further testing which will involve surgery and a general anesthetic: two of my biggest fears.  I've had a lot of medical tests in my time but have never had any of that, and I am beyond terrified about it.  I've had nightmares all week, one dream involved someone giving me anesthetic and knocking me out while at my desk.

One thing that really affected me from that night is that at one point a doctor explained we had to wait for a test to come back to see if I needed to be given a blood transfusion.  It's such a small part in this whole week's story but it's possibly the part that has affected me the most.  I didn't end up needing one.  But I was, and am, in shock that they had to check.  For an hour I lay there, waiting for the answer.  I had only donated blood myself 1 week earlier.  When I donated, my thoughts involved how much it hurt this time (it usually doesn't), being offended about something weight related that happened when I was there (another story for another blog post) and which snack I would choose at the end.

Never, ever did it occur to me that day, or ever, that I may need blood myself.  Especially not only a week later, on some random Friday night.  Other people need blood, not me.  I give it!  So yeah, such a little thing has shaken me up a bit.

Anyway, a combo of me just letting loose after this night and going away for that weekend saw me indulge for another 2.5 days.  And, like the previous week, I let it continue on Monday and Tuesday as well.  Two weeks in a row, I did well Wednesday - Friday night, then Friday night - Tuesday, let it all go.

This Wednesday my weight remained the same - to the exact gram - which was a surprise.  I was pretty lucky I didn't put any on.  I broke the new Friday night tradition this weekend and am proud to say I've been back on track since Wednesday: and plan to continue this way.  I could clean up my act a little, and pull in the reigns, but overall I am doing ok.

So that's been the gist of the past 2 weeks; food and weight wise.  Exercise wise I'm still in a little bubble of frustration, still on limited duties.  I'm going with it, and mostly I'm patient, but I have little moments where I get so down and frustrated that I can't do more.  I see my team mates going nuts and pushing themselves to their limit, and I'm over in my little corner, hobbling along feeling like I'm doing nothing.  At least I'm doing something, I know.

Other than that, I've just really, really struggled through this week.  I've been riddled with stress and anxiety.  I'll talk about anxiety another day, but stress wise, it's been a shocker.  Stress has absolutely consumed me.  I think I cried about 5 or 6 times over Thursday and Friday - which is very unlike me.  Always at the worst possible moments, too: when someone has asked if I was ok.  So embarrassing.

I've also been so negative, and that in itself has been dragging me down.  I'm not a negative person by nature.  I don't think I'm a smile-always-glass-is-always-brimming-over positive person either, but I am definitely not negative.  My nickname with one friend is 'Sunshine' and most of my friends see me like this.  So to be negative is out of character, and that in itself is getting to me.

There's a lot of negativity around me at the moment: 7 friends and family have been diagnosed with Cancer this past week.  It's gotten to a point where I'm actually not dealing with it.  That is way too many, especially in such a small period of time.  I also had 4 friends in hospital the day before me, and I can't stop thinking about all of these people - each of them have been constantly on my mind.

One smart friend of mine helped me work out the link between my negativity and my shock about all of the people around me.  It sort of seems obvious now that I write it out, but I hadn't seen it before she connected the two.  It's sort of no wonder I'm feeling negative.  It was a relief when we worked this out, because I was starting to get concerned, because it's just not like me.  I think also that all of this has put an even greater negative outlook on my own medical stuff.

I don't really have any answers or inspirational way to finish this post, to tie it all together.  It's just been a really shit week and I've struggled a lot. I'm sure next week will be brighter.  I can't really easily describe where I'm at with weight loss either, as I am literally muddling my way through day to day.  I guess I'm imperfectly on track with food and am barely doing the amount of exercise I should be, but am doing what I can. 

Do you like my new doona cover? <3

I had some down time (quiet time) this weekend which really has helped me get my mind a little more positive.  I cleaned the house and put my new doona cover on my bed: little things like that make me feel more positive and in control.  I was productive today and got my food prepped for this week: it's all ready to go.  This week is going to be one of my slightly challenging ones with staying on track as I'm traveling for 3 days of it and also working through the night one night; so I'll have to adjust my meal and sleep times a little.

If you've read this far, thank you for listening to what has been a fairly unstructured, long getting-it-off-my-chest rant.  Life is so topsy-turvy, we can only do the best we can xxx

P.S. To end on a positive: I quit smoking 3 years ago today! :)

Food prepped for Week 5

6 weeks in: still going strong. On my right side, anyway.

Hey hey hey!

Just dropping in to say hi, as I realised I've been a little blog quiet for 3 weeks!  Eeek!  As always I'm still over-sharing pretty much daily on my Instagram, but 3 weeks is a little too long

Hill walk/runs after boot camp. Getting it done.

between posts here, sorry!

Overall, I'm going well.  Operation Comeback is still in full swing.  It's been six weeks.  I don't believe I have ever, in my 18 years of weight issues, ever been this consistent.  There was one day I had a few unplanned chocolates.  And I'll talk about this weekend in another post.

But aside from that, I have not faltered.  As at last weigh in, I'd lost 7.4kg since I started on 1st January.  Pretty damn proud of myself.

I think there's two main things that have helped me not stray: My planned 'calorie free days'.  'Calorie free days' are the Kate version of treat meals...extended.  They did wonders for me a year ago when I was on an amazing little streak (I explain how they work briefly in this post). I've officially done the 'Cal free day' thing for the past year, but it hasn't done it's trick.  But this year, it's been working. 

The other thing that's working, is that I'm determined to get to goal weight.  That's all.  I want it so bad, that even though I sometimes do want to stray, I want to be at goal more, so I don't stray.

Sounds simple, but really I'm a consistent fail-er who's just finally, so far anyway, managed to get myself together to make this work.

Amidst my 6 weeks, I started the 12WBT February Round on the 2nd Feb, but I'm panicking a bit as I still haven't finished my Pre-season tasks!  I don't know what to do.  Well, actually, I do.  And that is to just bloody do them!  I'm a little behind in things at the moment. :(  I'll report back on that soon.

So, for the first 4 weeks of this year, I consistently ate within my calories, and trained every single day (apart from Rest Days).  Each day I've pretty much burnt 800 calories.

Fight Club (boot camp). That is all I'm allowed to say.

I have never done this before!  The food factor is one miracle, but the exercise side is a whole other.  It's another thing that I've never consistently mastered.  Ever.  Until 2015. :)

I think what's worked for me here so far, is that I just make sure I get it done.  Every day, no matter what, I just ensure I train to my 'calories burnt goal.'  One night I went for a run around the streets around my house at 11pm (I realised this was stupid ie. dangerous soon into the

It was my birthday and boot camp gave me these <3

run, and ran home to finish training indoors, but the intention was honourable).  There's been many days that I've been just so tired, but I've gotten up anyway.  One day it flooded, but I continued running through the water to get it done.  I had a 3 day work trip and traipsed around Sydney for hours, pounding the pavement in my minimal time on the ground.  

Stuff like that.  Nothing dramatic, but I've just adopted the 'no excuses' ideal and have been doing it (all), without thinking.  The habit formed over the first few weeks and just continues to get easier.

Note that I said I trained consistently for '4 weeks', not the 6 I've been on track for?

:(

That's because I have an injury.

And it sux.

I don't know exactly what's wrong yet but it's my knee.  My GP believes it's overuse, but I think there may be something more seriously wrong.  I wasn't entirely convinced when he

R.I.C.E.

gave me his verdict.  I decided to go with his advice, with plans to see my Osteo and/or a specialist if it didn't improve.  

I have now been on 'partial rest' or 'light exercise duties' for 2 weeks now.  The whole of this round: literally, I woke up on the morning of Day 1, Week 1, and that was the first day I couldn't train. :(  I spent the day elevating it and icing it, and went to my GP the next day when I got home (I was away for work when it started really playing up).

And it still hasn't gotten better.  The doc suggested a few days of minimal activity.  Two weeks later, I'm still waiting.  For 2 weeks, all I have done is boot camp 2-3 times a week, and have done very minimal stuff while there: basically only upper body.  We've had to modify a lot, and I just do what I can and haven't pushed myself at all.  Aside from that, I've done nothing.  I haven't walked, ran or done stairs for the whole 2 weeks.  It's really, really hard not having that exhausted and sweaty 'I pushed myself to my limit' feeling at the end of each session.  I'm burning decent calories still, and still doing something, but it's a little deflating not being able to do any more when I really want to.

On a positive note, I'm proud that I've been taking care of my injury.  I've been taking anti-inflammatories and resting it and trying to be patient.  I had an interesting couple of days

Hotel room pre-workout mirror selfies

with my knee this weekend: I had registered for the 5km Brooks Fun Run at Triathlon Pink Brisbane, that was on today.

On Friday I knew I had to make a decision: could I even run it?  I hadn't been able to walk (any decent distance I mean - I've been getting around fine) for 2 weeks; was my knee going to hold up to a 5km run?

On Friday morning I went for a walk.  It was probably only 200m max.  I also ran part of the way to test how that felt.  I knew straight away that I shouldn't do it.  I was pretty (very) disappointed - long term / regular readers will know how determined I am and that I don't let ANYTHING stand in my way when it comes to completing events.

But I sometimes try the 'being smart' thing, and so resigned myself immediately to the fact that I would be walking it.

However, Friday night and all day yesterday (Saturday), my knee was aching.  I think it was probably from me testing it out...and exacerbated by me (as carefully as I could), chasing my 2 year old niece <3 around an indoor playground.  I had to walk for 1km (to get to my car) on Saturday morning, and that was also a test: that was the longest I had walked in 2 weeks.  I

Before injury struck a couple of weeks ago

coped, but it wasn't good timing to have to do that after it had been aching the night before.

Augh.

I didn't want to do more damage or prolong whatever's wrong even more, so I spent a lot of time trying to work out an alternative for today.  Obviously, I could have simply just not done it.

But you know me, there's often a way around things and I at least need to try.  I don't give in that easy.  I was annoyed at myself for being so pig headed about it: I don't know why I wanted to do this event so much.  My friend suggested it's because there were BIG PINK medals at the finish line, and yeah, that's pretty much it. ;)  I was chatting to another friend today though and I realised that it was also something else: This day last year was my crazy day where I did a 5km fun run and 2 triathlons in the same day.  I don't do tri's anymore, and I very happily made that decision for myself, so it's fine.  But today, 1 year later, I was choosing to only do the 5km run: and now I maybe couldn't even do that??  I think I was doing a bit of comparing of myself, to me last year.  Ok, I wasn't doing 3 events or anything crazy, this was just one 5km run.  But not being able to even do that, was hard to deal with.

Also 14 of my friends were doing their first triathlons today (so amazing!) and I think that probably added to my little determination to get my BIG PINK medal in the one event I was

What keeps me going

going to do this time?

Soul searching aside, I started to get creative with my ideas.  I chatted to my mum and I asked her advice.  I thought of using crutches, but I thought that would look pretty bad and I'd get a lot of hate mail so quickly scrapped that idea!  My mum didn't want me to do it at all, but I pressed her for creative alternatives, and the best she could come up with after a skateboard idea, was to borrow someone's scooter, and use my good leg to push me along....

Apart from the fact I don't know if that would have even be allowed on course, I decided that it just wouldn't be a good look, and the mere fact I was considering these things was becoming sign enough that I really shouldn't compete at all.

But I'm so damn determined, I wanted that BIG PINK medal, and there had to be another way!  One of my favourite quotes is Martin Luther King's:

And I've had those words going through my head constantly.  I would have literally crawled the course if crawling didn't involve knee pressure!  When I got to my roly poly'ing (body rolling) the course option, I realised I had to stop thinking of crazy ideas and be, umm, normal.  So here's what I said to myself that I was going to do:

I had to fake jump for today's photo :)

-There was a 2.5km option, as well as the 5km.  I was going to downgrade to that event.
-I was going to turn up today.
-If I felt ok I was going to go over the Start line.
-I was going to walk: very slowly.
-And if it hurt at all, even the slightest twinge, then I was going to stop immediately.

It's a fine line between dog determination and wanting big pink medals; and being smart about my body.  This was my compromise.

So being sensible to a degree, that's what I did.  I was part of an inspiring group of 12WBT women, who we called ourselves 'Tri Royalty', and one of the girls in that, Nikita, offered to walk with me. <3  So Nikita, her fiance and myself, set off, Bambi-fragile-Kate setting the pace.

And I made it. :)  I got the whole way (33:01 for 2.5km) with absolutely no pain.  I was so envious seeing everyone else with those glistening post-run eyes :(  but I still ended up actually being so proud of myself.  This is the 3rd year in a row that I've done one of the Pinkie Tri events in Brisbane.  Every year has been different.  

My little cheersquad <3

-2013's event was an incredible day where it was my 3rd tri, and I finally did one that didn't involve hysterical tearful breakdowns, because I did it in a group of supportive women who didn't leave my side.

-2014's events were the ones I mentioned above, where I really pushed myself and I felt like Superwoman earning 3 medals before lunch.

-And now the 2015 event, I realised, was something I should have been just as proud of.  Ok, barely hobbling 2.5km at a snails pace pales in significance to the other 2 years, but I achieved something.  I worked with what I had, and did what I could do, under the circumstances.  Yes, I seem to get worse with things rather than improve :/  but hey, non-perfect one, that is ok.  We do what we can.  I'm so proud of myself, the Tri Royalty gang and my other friends who were competing today: everyone did so, so well.  I teared up so many times today seeing people's faces as they pushed themselves, and watching them realise what they could achieve. <3

I'm seeing my Osteo this week and will hopefully get an X-ray or something, as something is

Tri Royalty!

not right.  I'm trying not to scare myself or jump to conclusions, but I'm quietly terrified that it could mean the 'S' word: surgery.  Apparently my grandfather, mum and brother have all had knee surgery for what sounds very much like I have. :(  I'll keep you updated.  My 2015 running dreams haven't been smashed just yet :(

It's been hard not exercising so much every day when I had finally gotten on a roll: but I know that this is me managing an injury, and certainly not me just being slack and going off track.  I've done that so many times in the past, that I worry that my brain will get the two mixed up.  I just have to keep reminding myself that this partial down time is different to previous down times.  I am not off track ....it just feels the same.

On a brighter note, one cool thing to happen a few weeks ago was that I got to spend the day at 12WBT HQ with the team!  It was the most incredible day and it made my whole

Me with Gorgeous Gabi

month.  This is the program that got me out of where I was at, and continues to do so.  I have so much love for the program, so to spend the day with the team made me feel like I was going backstage at my favourite bands concert. ;)  Julie, Gabi and the team looked after me so, so well and made me feel so welcome.  I even got to go to one of Gabi's yoga classes while I was there!  She is amazing and she made me realise that a good instructor is worth their weight in gold and can make your session.  Any 12WBT'ers reading this, I'm sure you already know, but trust me that the team behind your program do care: they have hearts of gold.

On another bright note, guess who became a Garmin girl last week??  My beloved Polar has finally had it's last day, so after a couple of months of really wanting a Garmin, a couple of weeks of doing my research, a bit of birthday

My 1st Garmin workout :)

money and ringing 24 (!) stores around Brisbane before I could find someone who had it in stock, I went and got it.  Because of the rest factor, I haven't really used it too much yet, but I am sure I will be sharing more purple watch face photos very soon.  (It is awesome). :)

In other Kate / weight news, there's one major thing that's happened over the past 2 weeks that has had a huge impact on my weight loss journey, but I'm not ready to blog about it yet.  (I want to, I just don't know how to articulate what I want to say just yet).  So expect a post on that soon....

Anyway, for a 'quick' update, this is actually quite long.  Like there is a real surprise there.... But I will sign off now.  I'll be back in the next few days and report back in about the next step in my injury; how I actually tackle the pre-season tasks; tell you something else about this weekend; and let it all out about the major thing I just mentioned...

Elevator selfie series...

Hope you've had / are having an awesome weekend.  6 weeks into 2015 and 2 weeks into the February round for those doing it...hope you're all going well, and simply working with what you have.  That's all we can do.  Love Coco Girl xoxo 

The BIG PINK medal :)

Always try one more time

This is a blog post for myself: for me over the past 11 months and for me in the future.  I won't be writing it conversationally or in the first person because that just sounds weird.  But it is, at the same time, a bit of a keepsake post for me.

As always though, this is also a post for you!  And so it should be, when I check the date of my last blog post!  That's a bit embarrassing!  I didn't post once in December!  I'm sorry that I've had a bit of a break, it wasn't intentional.  December was beyond insane for me at work, and then of course it was Christmas. And hey, it's also just me! #hopelessatcomms

The only social media that I'm 'good at' (as in, actually use, regularly), is Instagram.  Someone described my Instagram as a bit of a 'mini blog' the other day, and I liked that description, because that's really what it is.  You should always be able to see where I'm at, pretty much day to day, on my Instagram.  That doesn't mean I'm going anywhere here!  Quite the opposite.  I need to blog for myself this year, so be ready for an (appropriate amounted) onslaught of posts coming up. :)

I have heaps to catch you up on, but I wanted to write this out first.

So, where am I?

My last post I was up to Attempt #39981 of my weight loss journey.  I was going great guns, I

Me training last week

was 13 days into it, and....

Would it be any great surprise if I said I stuffed it up?

I then attempted for the 39982nd, 39983rd and 39984th time throughout December.  I failed each of those times, also.  I didn't get to where I wanted to be by our Straddie boot camp camping trip, nor did I reach many of the other goals I set myself around that time.

Because that's what I do - I fall over and fail all the time.

But if you've followed me for any short amount of time, you'll also know the other thing that I do.

I get up every time.

Every single one of those 39984 times, I got up.  Sometimes I wonder to myself, how on earth I have the stamina, the desire, or the confidence to get up - all the time.  And I guess, the answer is, because deep inside, I want it bad.  The stamina comes and goes at different levels.  Usually I don't have the confidence, or I fake it.  But the desire - that's what keeps me going.

After the several new restarts and fails through December, I started again on the 1st January.  A totally cliche date and I couldn't care less.  It suited me.

I have so many goals for this year - so much I want to do, big, huge dreams.  But the first 3

weeks of 2015 has seen me focus on just one thing: getting back on track.  Yeah yeah, I do that with every attempt.  But this year, I have put my heart and soul, and all of my effort into it - and have been focusing on getting into a routine that works for me.

It's now the 22nd of January and I really haven't done much else towards my other goals yet.  But this goal is one of my biggest this year and it's so important to me - so I've really put everything else to one side to get this one going well from the start.

And I'm happy to say, that I've made it work.  I've gotten my nutrition and exercise star every single day of this year, as in, I haven't strayed once from what I set for myself, and so far I've lost 5.9kg.  Yep, it's only Day 22 - but this is the longest I've stayed completely on track in about a year.  I seem to fall down at the 2 week mark, usually.  When I surpassed the 14th January, it felt pretty good, and just further cemented what I already feel inside: that this time it's working.

Now do you know how embarrassing that is to say?  If you've followed me for even a month - let alone the whole 2 and half years I've been on this journey, you would have heard me say that very thing before.  "This time it's working."  "It's early days but I know I've got it."  "I'm back on track." etc.

So to be saying it again, as public as this blog is, is extremely embarrassing.  But that's the very reason for this post.

Back in December, when I got on track one of the recent times, I told myself that I need to

More stars than I've had in a year!

record this!  How did I turn it back around?  I needed to write down how I did it!  Because in a years time, I may want to remember, or someone might need some encouragement, and I wanted to be able to tell them what I did.  I was all set to blog about it, my turnaround point, and ......

Yeah you guessed it, I stuffed up.

So here I am again.  I've turned it around (again), and now I want to record how.

This is for anyone out there who may have fallen down for the 6000th time and be feeling a bit hopeless. 

This is for me, in a years time, when I want to look back and think 'wow, that time actually worked.  How on earth did I do that?'

And it's for me - the past 11 months me - to show myself that it is possible to pull yourself back out.  It can be done, and I did it.  (Well, I'm starting it at the moment)!

To go so far backwards in your weight loss journey isn't an overnight thing - just as how you got there in the first place wasn't.  Nope - it starts off gently, and it develops gradually.  Little by little, things: behaviours, feelings, thoughts that you thought were long gone, creep back in.  Clothes that you worked so hard to fit into, begin to become a little tight, until they no longer fit. 

Gradually though...

I think if you went to sleep and woke up (in my case) 11 months later, you'd be horrified and jump straight into action.

But when it's gradual, it takes a while for you to notice the little things.

I wrote this blog post when I started this journey.  It was about why I started to lose weight.  I didn't have one big defining 'moment', such as an awful holiday photo or publicly breaking a chair.  Instead, I had a multitude of little moments that built up and finally got me to the point where I knew that I wanted to change.

Late last year, I started recognising myself revisiting many of these moments.  It's horrifying stuff.

• I started wearing mainly all black again, because it hid so much.
• I went back to only having a few outfits that I could wear and having to wash clothes every 1-2 nights.
• One day last month, my thighs started chafing from rubbing together, and bled.  This used to be a regular thing for me, when I was 141kg.  To have it happen once again was awful enough.
• Buttons that were loose earlier in the year, began gaping.
• I went out to dinner with some friends from boot camp and was so hot - I'd been wearing a jacket all day (in December!) because I felt so uncomfortable with what I was wearing.  It was now a spontaneous dinner and I was just over it and all I wanted to do was to take my jacket off.  I texted my trainer who knows how I feel, who was seated across the table, to tell her how terrified I was (and how hot I was).  She had to coach me, via text, through taking it off.  Earlier in the year I was wearing tight singlets.  And here I was seated amongst a group of girls who I'm comfortable with - they see me sweating and heaving with weights etc., and I was feeling like this.
• I became slower and less agile.
• Aeroplane seatbelts still fit, but I started having to lengthen them to do them up...
• My sides started touching the plane seat arm rests, as well.
• I started shopping occasionally in the 'big' clothes sections again.
• I started worrying about my weight on chairs again, and stopped sitting as much.  I thought those days were over...
• And the most heartbreaking one: Last year I sat on a couch next to Mish and told her about how I used to hide behind poles in nightclubs when I was younger, because I was so embarrassed about my size.  She commented on it, something about what a sad thing that was, that I felt the need to hide in my every day life.  Her response resonated with me and it was a pretty defining and special moment, because I was able to smile and say that I'm not like that anymore - now I can walk around now with my head held high.  That was in February.  By December, I started hiding again.  Not exactly behind nightclub poles (!) but I started hiding away again, rushing through the shops with my head in my phone, trying to avoid eye contact, and trying to get out of there as soon as possible.  Every time I 'hid', in whatever form, I remembered that special conversation and it disappointed me so much that I was heading back to that state.

I guess it just gets to a point where there's just too many moments reminding you of how you used to be, and you realise that you have to change things soon, otherwise
you're going to have ALL of the moments again.

But this time is different to how you were when you started out, at your heaviest.  The good part is, this time you already know what to do.  You've done it before, so you have personal proof that it's possible.  But the bad part is, this time: you've beat yourself up so much, you're feeling horrified at where you are, you have zero self esteem or self confidence, and, for me anyway, you're also feeling pretty down, or depressed.

This time it feels harder to get into it, if that is possible.

Me now (on the right lol)

It took me a good 11 months to both stuff up to ridiculous proportions, and to turn it all back around.  11 whole months.  What was more heartbreaking than seeing myself stuff up some very hard work of mine, was to recognise what I was doing, but seemingly have no power to stop it.  There were some times last year where I thought that I really can't do this!  I'd stuffed up so many times, I stopped believing in myself, I'd gone so far backwards and I had no confidence.

How do you try again when you're feeling like that?

You do it anyway.

I realised to myself that when I started back at 141kg, I didn't feel confident, or great about myself, or happy.  But I started anyway, and those things came over time.

So I decided I had to do the same now.  I didn't have to feel amazing to start.  Those feelings would come, once I worked for them.

And the other thing is, I just had to keep trying.  No matter how many failed attempts I had in the last 11 months, I had to keep trying again.  Sometimes it takes a few attempts to make something happen.  In my case, it can take 9214 attempts.  But hey - whatever it takes.  If I didn't try that 9214th time, I would have never have known if that was the try that I would actually make work.

I guess my little #operationcomeback has been a combo of:

• Knowing that I can't let myself go back to where I started from.  I was moving so dangerously close to my start weight (I'm still a long way off - but heading there!) - and I know in my heart that I can't let that happen.  Those little moments that were starting up again, terrified me as much as they did when I started at the beginning.
• 'Trying anyway' - no matter how bad I feel right now, just doing it anyway.
• And just trying, time and time again.  Never giving up.  It's funny how when you don't believe in yourself, there's something inside you that helps you try just 'one more time.'  If you keep going, eventually it has to work.

So, this post is for me, and for anyone out there who may have 'stuffed up' like me.  You're not alone.  There are so many people in a similar situation.  This is just life, we're human, and it's just one of those hurdles we have to jump over.  Ok, it's a frigging huge ass hurdle.  But it's normal, and it's ok.  Whether you've slipped a little, or gone the whole way back, I want you to know that it is possible to move forward again.  Yes, it's heartbreaking.  It's also embarrassing.  And it'll probably be harder than when you first started out.

But it is possible.  Just keep trying again and again, until you get it right.

And you will.
xo